When I woke that morning finding that I no longer had all the answers,
My life changed forever and I could become a friend
I will follow your hand when you say ‘look’, I will follow your eyes, to laugh in the company of a friend.
A thought after reading these lines from Mary Oliver here:
Let me keep my distance, always, from those who think they have the answers. Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment, and bow their heads.
And thinking about how I was always doubtful about my friendship with George, someone who seemed to have all the answers. But then I turned it around to my young arrogant self when I thought I, too, had all the answers. Realising that I didn’t have all the answers allowed me to be able to invite the kind of friends that I wanted into my life. And I wonder if this might be why the ‘wonderful, always smiling, wise’ George, who always professed to have all the answers, actually has few friends.
With the brightest smiles and feined sincerity that serves you so well As the bee flits from candied purple to butterfly blue You’re on your way keeping all that honey as stored ammunition
It’s Me
The facade crumbled the honey on my lips enlightened by my taste Poison to my senses the comfort of your nest no longer warms I’m on my way I’ll make space for the next fool you find
The wise sage, somewhat cynical Knows what to say and when The optimist, still straight and clinical Is in trouble with words again
Yet when the time came to inspire The sage’s words fell short Because one’s dreams also require Revision to what has been taught
Maybe the fire inside was unseen So the sage had to be let go Not understanding what it would mean To be held back by what one would know
Inspired by a newsletter from Daivd Elikwu about the dangers of role models and my own experience I am currently revisiting from 2020 with my then role model, George.
Good once I got going. I woke up stiff but tried my best with some tough ab exercises (tough for me!).
Lin told me this morning that my tummy was smaller today but I think she was teasing me!
I continued with my grade 8 classes in the same style as yesterday and that all went well (for me at least!)
Finishing off with just half of the students in my grade 11 class – the HAP students, as last week I only taught the J-Biz students and I knew the J-Biz kids could go and do preparation work for the Japan Day next month.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
Gui at House contacting me saying that he will open again but he’s starting again at a new location in the city, which is a shame as it will be too far for me to go each day.
It was nice of him to contact me, though and let me know what he’s up to. I think I will try and get out on Tuesdays when I have a four-hour gap between classes. I will go to his new shop and also try a couple of others to see if I can find a nice spot again.
The best thing about today was:
Today was another one of those all-around good days with nothing in particular standing out as better than anything else. I like days like this.
I also think that going back to a full tablet of sertraline has had an immediate effect on my mood. I’m told that it’s such a low dose that it’s not even likely to be doing anything and it’s supposed to take a couple of weeks to take effect and perhaps it’s the placebo effect and all but either way, after just two days back at 50mg, I don’t have any bad feelings or thoughts.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It was a little annoying to me to watch George just sitting in a classroom looking at his phone whilst his class were just playing games, doing make-up or messing around. I teach those students too, so I took the opportunity to help a couple of them whose work I didn’t have time to check during my class with them.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
David was getting frustrated with trying to print out his monthly report today and he asked me to help. I ribbed him about using a Windows laptop and even me trying to help didn’t fix the problem.
I asked him to send me the file so I could try it and, of course, it printed properly on the first try.
With my little windfall yesterday, I sent Anchan a little more money to support her.
I’m also trying to encourage Baipad to get back into drawing more, especially as it is something she shares in common with a boy she likes.
When I was coming back in from the cafe, some of my old grade 9 students were kicking a ball around, so I joined them. Next to us was another group of students also kicking a ball around.
Kru Ell was navigating her way between the two groups when the other group’s ball accidentally hit her on the head and hands, knocking her glasses off and spilling her drink to the ground.
The boys were super apologetic and I got the one boy who had kicked the ball to quickly go back into the cafe and get her another drink. Kru Ell’s glasses were ok and she was more shocked than anything – she didn’t blame the kids.
Toey took this picture of Baipad because they met after school tonight. I think she sent it to me to show how happy she was to meet him! Young romance.
How can you ever let me down? We’re not made to be broken Just like fools, we left so much unspoken Now the future is a past that’s come back around We were made to be broken How could you ever let me down?
Not bad once I got going, it was a struggle to get up this morning and my right shoulder was a little achy from using the new silica scrubs I ordered from Temu in the shower last night. For some reason, I had a sudden urge to clean.
Amy came with me this morning as she had some things to do in the city and she’ll pick me up again at 2.30 for my only day of the week to be able to get home a little early.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
My old students, Ploy and Ozone, playfully begging me to teach them again. I’m not sure exactly what brought this on for them but it made me feel good.
I wish I could teach everyone who begs to be taught!
The best thing about today was:
Listening to my grade 8s attempting to read a reasonably difficult passage of text and doing way better than I expected.
They are no longer afraid to try and to fail or get things wrong. Though some still need to be pushed to work because they are not really interested, I can see that they do have the capabilities if they so desired. Unfortunately, they are too busy with distractions most of the time.
Something I learned today?
Today I learned something that has left me a little stunned.
When Amy picked me up, she told me that she had gone to Nut’s house to have lunch with her and Bee, as Bee was visiting the psych at MFU.
Bee then told the whole story about her and George and it is fucking amazing!
Firstly, Bee moved out of their house about 3 years ago and they have been separate ever since! All this time, we have been saying that George was holding her back and that she was stupid to stay and she had actually already left.
This got me thinking about why she never said anything before and it turns out that George is still trying to influence her and to keep things secret from other people.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We were all shocked to know that they were actually married! Neither of them had ever told any one of us so-called friends about this.
And why did she leave? She finally had enough of his vicious manipulation and control and had to get away from him. She said that he is totally self-absorbed and selfish. He has no friends and only cares about himself.
Well, those things I had figured out for myself and now I feel completely validated. He is indeed the dark empath, the smiling narcissist.
Bee said that he talks badly about everybody behind their backs. This is also a reminder for me to try and not to do the same thing but this one is going to be difficult, as I would love to put him in his place. I’d like to wipe that smirking smile off his face!
Interesting that Kru Mai said George no longer talks with him in the teachers’ room but that George has told others that it is Kru Mai who no longer talks to him!
My mind is blown by all these revelations and it makes me feel more confident in myself. All those times he tried to manipulate and control me, too and got upset when I refused to comply – it’s all making sense and falling into place.
I should never have doubted myself. I realise now that on quite a few occasions in my past, I have been a very good judge of character.
I learned a lot about myself today and that’s great!
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I bought an inspirational poster online and put it up in one of my classrooms today. I will refer to it at different times during my lessons.
I took this picture because today is Halloween and crazy little Winter wore this to school. He is fucking hilarious!
Every accusation a confession; peace through violent aggression
Manipulated media suppression, leading to depression
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good and positive. For some reason, I woke up well before my alarm and was hoping that I still had hours to sleep but I couldn’t calm my mind down enough or get stupid songs out of my head. Never mind.
I skipped exercise but did some dead hangs, which felt good. After breakfast, I picked up a decent coffee at Utopia and, upon arriving at school, set to printing out all my grading files, which involved a bit of dicking around to make them acceptable for the school, such as the girl who never came to class suddenly having 100% attendance. So it goes.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Mai, Jern and PP for helping me sort out the printing of this semester’s grading files.
The best thing about today was:
Writing poetry and reading comics. I also enjoyed playing the guitar today, more so than yesterday, for sure.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As I was sitting in the teacher’s room this morning, at 9 am, all the Thai teachers went off for a meeting, so I was left by myself, busy updating my files to print.
About ten minutes later, George turns up and, on seeing me, just drops off his bag and leaves the room without saying a word. He was pacing up and down outside the room and making phone calls.
About ten minutes later, he comes back in and collects his bag and leaves again, without saying a word. I didn’t see him again, though I stayed around at the cafe until midday.
My lizard eye spies surprise Sideways sly spy in the skies Explain a name, much the same A play for fame explains the game
To beat the heat or face defeat You gotta cheat the play complete I did the do in watching you So talk me through the dimmest view
Before there’s more along the floor See what I see, saw what I saw Split decision at the supervision I got television with precision-vision I got an eye on you
Not as tired as I usually am by Friday which is pleasing. I’ve already done my morning classes again and they went pretty well. Just my lively grade 8s to go and then off home again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last drips and drops of my pay cheque that allow me to buy my yoghurt, that should tide me over until next month.
I don’t have enough money to pay for Amy’s birthday dinner now and have to figure out a way to get the credit card out of her wallet on the night without her noticing!
The best thing about today was:
The many interactions with students again, mostly mine but also a few new ones that wanted to talk.
Days like this make all the effort I put in feel worthwhile. I feel like any little small interaction is helping these kids in some way.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I have a sore spot right on the end of my tailbone. I’ve had it before and maybe it was at the same time last year. It feels like dry skin that has maybe split. It could be from spending more time sitting on hard wooden chairs or from doing more exercise at this time of year. I’m not sure. It’s more annoying than painful.
After my first class, I walked past the classroom where George was with the grade 11s that I also teach. The kids were mostly sprawled out across the floor asleep and George sat at his desk engrossed in his phone.
Well…. That’s not a great look in my book but whatever. It seems most of the Thai teachers don’t care either. But I feel at least a little bit responsible for giving these kids as much as I can, whether they would prefer to sleep or not!
Something I learned today?
China just found a cure for Type 2 diabetes and the USA wants to stop their citizens from getting access to treatment by blocking US scientists from working with Chinese Pharmaceuticals.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
Aida was looking a bit down again today and she said that she has a falling out with a couple of her friends in the class. I encouraged her to not overthink things and that it may already be ok again by next week.
I can feel that she thinks quite deeply about things and maybe focuses too much on the negative.
I took this picture because these fruits (or nuts) caught my eye as I got out of my car after a quick lunch coffee.
Pretty good considering that I was dead to the world until my alarm went off this morning. Managed some exercise and a 5-minute (what could possibly be described as a) meditation.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding that Sydney Swans played yesterday against the Bulldogs and so I watched the Mini Match and happy to report that we pulled through for another win. The Swans are currently well clear at the top but there’s still a ways to go.
I’m still annoyed that I can’t watch the full matches, especially this year, as we’re doing so well!
The best thing about today was:
In my final class of the day with my grade 8s I have what you might call another ‘rogue’ student. She, Sugus, is a friend of Aida’s and has been coming to my class occasionally since last year but now she seems to come all the time.
She’s a quiet kid and doesn’t cause any problems for me but I told her that if she wants to stay then she has to do some work, to which she agreed.
Today’s class is an easy reading class and I asked Sugus to come and read for me and she did very well, better than some of my actual students!
So I talked with her some more about why she doesn’t go to her own class and if the teacher isn’t concerned about her. She couldn’t quite describe why she doesn’t go except that she feels bad when she does.
I’m a bit suspicious that something untoward might have happened but I didn’t push it.
Anyway, I told her that she was welcome to stay in my class and she thanked me and said that my class is fun for her. I was quite pleased about that.
It’s weird really. There’s no pressure on her to perform and there’s no pressure on me to teach her. With us both relaxed about it I think she will learn a lot!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
For my second class today, with the Hospitality grade 11s I suddenly found 12 extra students! Without telling me, and without anyone telling them why they have put two different programs together so I’m now teaching students in the Japanese program too. So much for my plans for this semester! I guess I’ll jag everything in somehow.
Something I learned today?
Chatting with David he told me that George complained to Nancy that he doesn’t want to teach the new Integrated Program to the grade 10s and so, magically, he no longer is. Now he only teaches grade 11 and 12. What a princess!
Last year he refused to teach grade 9 and now refuses grade 10. Maybe time is running out for him.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
This evening I’m still helping my grade 11 students with their presentation homework and replying to their messages.
Did you do something difficult or challenging today?
As I think about it, much of the day was challenging (as described above) but somehow I seemed to take it in my stride.
Tonaor took this picture because as she likes to do sometimes when she sees me she says ‘selfie!’ and so I hand her my phone.
Romans once bathed here Wiping blood from their beat brows Spa after sparring Solsbury Hill looks Down River Avon Valley Somerset steam rose Conscious hearts beating We ran through these stone warrens Love in ancient times Praying at the monastery A different sacking was done
Good though a little nervous in the stomach. I think I have my head around how I’m going to do things in my classes.
I can feel less enthusiasm in the air with everyone this morning as the reality of classes starts to hit.
I have a three-flight climb to my first class too and it was already an English summer 27 degrees at 7 am this morning.
One of the boy students was already smelling off by 9am! And later in the day I saw David in his class of new grade 7s and the whole room stank of rank teenage sweat, like a changing room after five hours of football.
Today I’m grateful for:
Sometimes speaking up and sometimes keeping quiet. I told the school that I didn’t want to teach the new Integrated Program until it was settled in and that I also didn’t want to teach the grade 9s this year and so it came to be.
So when I got new classes scattered around the school and more hours than the other teachers, I didn’t say anything and just accepted it.
My first class today was in a new (to me) building and on arrival I discovered that the internet cable and wifi don’t work which is a bit of a problem for the method that I teach, everything being stored on Google Drive.
I sent a message to Kru Mai that this was going to be a problem for the five classes I have in the building and he quickly scouted out other classrooms that I could use back in our usual building and voila – four out of five of the classes solved!
When I told Kru David about this he mentioned that sometimes it’s good to speak up and ask for some things and not just expect it. He also mentioned that George was not happy that he has to teach the Integrated Program now. He’s had it good for a long time but as soon as something is not to his taste he’s getting antsy.
The best thing about today was:
After my first two classes I managed to get back to House for a coffee refill and sat down to do some writing.
I noticed a pretty young lady studiously working on her iPad in the corner in amongst a lot of people coming and going – probably the busiest I’ve ever seen the cafe. Some days I might be the only customer all the time I’m in there!
Later the lady got up and as she came to the counter, caught my eye and I thought I recognised her so gave a little smile and then when she smiled back I realised that it was Pear, who used to work there. She has changed her style a lot but I could easily recognise her smile.
She was studying hard to pass a university entrance exam as she has taken a five-year gap year! I could sense that she wanted to talk and indeed, she sat down and said that when it comes to English she could read and write easily but doesn’t have much opportunity for speaking.
Actually her listening and understanding is good too and when speaking she can find the words in her head most of the time but it is interrupting her flow. I could feel that she is driving herself to improve so I stopped what I was doing and we chatted until it was time for me to go.
Something I learned today?
I learned bits and pieces about my new class of 41 grade 12 students.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
After I finished my classes I sent Pear a piece of text to practice reading for me so I could help her more with her speaking. She replied quickly and I sent a couple more and I will help her when I have free time.
Did you do something difficult or challenging today?
Motivating tired sweaty students at the end of the day was a challenge and I have three days where classes end at 4.30 pm but it’s looking more likely that I will have to end them all at 4 pm most of the time, which is fine by me!
When was the last time I felt misunderstood?
I can clearly remember thinking that I was being misunderstood by Amy about something that we were quarrelling about but I seem to put quarrels out of my mind (whilst subconsciously learning the lesson of the argument!) so that now I’ve forgotten what it was even about!
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