When I woke that morning finding that I no longer had all the answers,
My life changed forever and I could become a friend
I will follow your hand when you say ‘look’, I will follow your eyes, to laugh in the company of a friend.
A thought after reading these lines from Mary Oliver here:
Let me keep my distance, always, from those who think they have the answers. Let me keep company always with those who say “Look!” and laugh in astonishment, and bow their heads.
And thinking about how I was always doubtful about my friendship with George, someone who seemed to have all the answers. But then I turned it around to my young arrogant self when I thought I, too, had all the answers. Realising that I didn’t have all the answers allowed me to be able to invite the kind of friends that I wanted into my life. And I wonder if this might be why the ‘wonderful, always smiling, wise’ George, who always professed to have all the answers, actually has few friends.
With the brightest smiles and feined sincerity that serves you so well As the bee flits from candied purple to butterfly blue You’re on your way keeping all that honey as stored ammunition
It’s Me
The facade crumbled the honey on my lips enlightened by my taste Poison to my senses the comfort of your nest no longer warms I’m on my way I’ll make space for the next fool you find
Can you name even one of the dead? Whilst dropping both bombs and bread You defend these actions instead And defiantly nodding your head
But killing kids is not self-defence Spreading peace through violence This is no place for indifference This is no time for your silence
Since when has questioning charred corpses Been more offensive than actual charred corpses?
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and dizzy, especially after exercise. I didn’t sleep well last night and woke up tired. At school now and feel a little out of it.
Amy woke up coughing and saying she is sick, so perhaps I have something coming on, too.
I felt a bit more with it by the afternoon but also with a blocked nose. I’m looking forward to getting home.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s idea of getting mala for dinner in an effort to blow away any potential lurgy. Not sure if it will work but it was deliciously hot and spicy anyway.
The best thing about today was:
There’s a good feeling around school as next week is a holiday. Students are happy and playful and don’t seem to mind doing some work too.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Watching George turn up an hour late to his class today. Most of his students had already disappeared by then anyway.
It is annoying to watch but I’m trying to put it out of my mind.
Amy took this picture because our bovine visitor came back again today.
The enemies of fun Gather in dim-lit halls Conjuring up devils Eager to answer the calls
The enemies of fun Are sowing their demon seeds Of doubt and despair On which their evil feeds
The enemies of fun Are quick to infect Spread their disease Unable to detect
The enemies of fun Multiply within Mind twisting scared Unable to begin
Today I’m feeling:
Good so far, as I’m waiting for my first coffee. Getting up, exercising, and breakfast all part of the routine now. No cold shower this morning, though.
I remember in my dream complaining about a sore hip and then waking up uncomfortable with an aching hip! Is this what happens when we get old?
Aing was also in my dream and she needed to pee – am I having someone else’s pee dreams too now!?
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
The different pairs of shows that I’ve found online recently. One of the pairs was causing me pain in my big toe again, so I switched to a different pair today and that has seemed to help.
I also came across the fact that there is a podiatrist at Bangkok Hospital and I will save up some money to go there and see if I can get some specific inserts made for me again.
22nd May 2026 – I still haven’t done this…
The best thing about today was:
Talking with Jet and Fah about a topic of debate that they had in a Thai language class about love and sex in school.
I was a little surprised to hear that they both thought that they should wait until they are 18 before having sex. I think it’s a good enough idea though, so long as they are all aware of protection and educated about it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I was annoyed to see George turn up 15 minutes late to class as I heard his students shout over the balcony, ‘Why are you late?’ and then after 45 minutes in class, he let them go an hour early!
I know that I shouldn’t get bothered by what other people do, but it’s hard for me not to get upset by it.
The wise sage, somewhat cynical Knows what to say and when The optimist, still straight and clinical Is in trouble with words again
Yet when the time came to inspire The sage’s words fell short Because one’s dreams also require Revision to what has been taught
Maybe the fire inside was unseen So the sage had to be let go Not understanding what it would mean To be held back by what one would know
Inspired by a newsletter from Daivd Elikwu about the dangers of role models and my own experience I am currently revisiting from 2020 with my then role model, George.
2024-12-08
Today I’m feeling:
Positive and happy, though a little tired.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
Hangie successfully getting Amy home at 2.30 am this morning after a night out in the city.
The best thing about today was:
I got out to my room to play guitar at three different times today and I can see a little improvement. I also fiddled a little with Ableton, trying and failing to get it to do what I wanted. Need to find some tutorials.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As I’m helping Baipad save up some money to go for a health check, I wanted her to come with me to the hospital to get the information on exactly what she needs, and at the same time, the information I need, as I want to do the same thing too.
This afternoon, I dropped by and though she was reluctant to come because she hates interaction with strangers, I convinced her after she asked if Namhom could come too.
We went around the back way to avoid the highway and they both seemed fairly chirpy.
When we got there, I asked Baipad to ask the security guard for information, but unfortunately, he told us that they are only open Monday to Friday (which surprised me a little).
Oh well, never mind. When we got back, I asked Baipad to find the information online and she duly did.
Even though this was just a little thing today, it is the kind of thing that will boost her confidence in the future.
We were both happy to discover that the price is not as high as we were expecting.
Something I learned today?
I started reading Persepolis this morning and immediately wanted to learn more about the history of Iran.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I rescued Piti when he dashed out of Utopua this morning.
Noey took this picture because this is her last day working at Utopia. She has exams next weekend before heading off to her internship but I will likely see her on those mornings as she’ll pick up coffee first.
Good once I got going. I woke up stiff but tried my best with some tough ab exercises (tough for me!).
Lin told me this morning that my tummy was smaller today but I think she was teasing me!
I continued with my grade 8 classes in the same style as yesterday and that all went well (for me at least!)
Finishing off with just half of the students in my grade 11 class – the HAP students, as last week I only taught the J-Biz students and I knew the J-Biz kids could go and do preparation work for the Japan Day next month.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
Gui at House contacting me saying that he will open again but he’s starting again at a new location in the city, which is a shame as it will be too far for me to go each day.
It was nice of him to contact me, though and let me know what he’s up to. I think I will try and get out on Tuesdays when I have a four-hour gap between classes. I will go to his new shop and also try a couple of others to see if I can find a nice spot again.
The best thing about today was:
Today was another one of those all-around good days with nothing in particular standing out as better than anything else. I like days like this.
I also think that going back to a full tablet of sertraline has had an immediate effect on my mood. I’m told that it’s such a low dose that it’s not even likely to be doing anything and it’s supposed to take a couple of weeks to take effect and perhaps it’s the placebo effect and all but either way, after just two days back at 50mg, I don’t have any bad feelings or thoughts.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It was a little annoying to me to watch George just sitting in a classroom looking at his phone whilst his class were just playing games, doing make-up or messing around. I teach those students too, so I took the opportunity to help a couple of them whose work I didn’t have time to check during my class with them.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
David was getting frustrated with trying to print out his monthly report today and he asked me to help. I ribbed him about using a Windows laptop and even me trying to help didn’t fix the problem.
I asked him to send me the file so I could try it and, of course, it printed properly on the first try.
With my little windfall yesterday, I sent Anchan a little more money to support her.
I’m also trying to encourage Baipad to get back into drawing more, especially as it is something she shares in common with a boy she likes.
When I was coming back in from the cafe, some of my old grade 9 students were kicking a ball around, so I joined them. Next to us was another group of students also kicking a ball around.
Kru Ell was navigating her way between the two groups when the other group’s ball accidentally hit her on the head and hands, knocking her glasses off and spilling her drink to the ground.
The boys were super apologetic and I got the one boy who had kicked the ball to quickly go back into the cafe and get her another drink. Kru Ell’s glasses were ok and she was more shocked than anything – she didn’t blame the kids.
Toey took this picture of Baipad because they met after school tonight. I think she sent it to me to show how happy she was to meet him! Young romance.
How can you ever let me down? We’re not made to be broken Just like fools, we left so much unspoken Now the future is a past that’s come back around We were made to be broken How could you ever let me down?
Not bad once I got going, it was a struggle to get up this morning and my right shoulder was a little achy from using the new silica scrubs I ordered from Temu in the shower last night. For some reason, I had a sudden urge to clean.
Amy came with me this morning as she had some things to do in the city and she’ll pick me up again at 2.30 for my only day of the week to be able to get home a little early.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
My old students, Ploy and Ozone, playfully begging me to teach them again. I’m not sure exactly what brought this on for them but it made me feel good.
I wish I could teach everyone who begs to be taught!
The best thing about today was:
Listening to my grade 8s attempting to read a reasonably difficult passage of text and doing way better than I expected.
They are no longer afraid to try and to fail or get things wrong. Though some still need to be pushed to work because they are not really interested, I can see that they do have the capabilities if they so desired. Unfortunately, they are too busy with distractions most of the time.
Something I learned today?
Today I learned something that has left me a little stunned.
When Amy picked me up, she told me that she had gone to Nut’s house to have lunch with her and Bee, as Bee was visiting the psych at MFU.
Bee then told the whole story about her and George and it is fucking amazing!
Firstly, Bee moved out of their house about 3 years ago and they have been separate ever since! All this time, we have been saying that George was holding her back and that she was stupid to stay and she had actually already left.
This got me thinking about why she never said anything before and it turns out that George is still trying to influence her and to keep things secret from other people.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We were all shocked to know that they were actually married! Neither of them had ever told any one of us so-called friends about this.
And why did she leave? She finally had enough of his vicious manipulation and control and had to get away from him. She said that he is totally self-absorbed and selfish. He has no friends and only cares about himself.
Well, those things I had figured out for myself and now I feel completely validated. He is indeed the dark empath, the smiling narcissist.
Bee said that he talks badly about everybody behind their backs. This is also a reminder for me to try and not to do the same thing but this one is going to be difficult, as I would love to put him in his place. I’d like to wipe that smirking smile off his face!
Interesting that Kru Mai said George no longer talks with him in the teachers’ room but that George has told others that it is Kru Mai who no longer talks to him!
My mind is blown by all these revelations and it makes me feel more confident in myself. All those times he tried to manipulate and control me, too and got upset when I refused to comply – it’s all making sense and falling into place.
I should never have doubted myself. I realise now that on quite a few occasions in my past, I have been a very good judge of character.
I learned a lot about myself today and that’s great!
Review your acts, Good and bad.
I bought an inspirational poster online and put it up in one of my classrooms today. I will refer to it at different times during my lessons.
I took this picture because today is Halloween and crazy little Winter wore this to school. He is fucking hilarious!
Every accusation a confession; peace through violent aggression
Manipulated media suppression, leading to depression
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good and positive. For some reason, I woke up well before my alarm and was hoping that I still had hours to sleep but I couldn’t calm my mind down enough or get stupid songs out of my head. Never mind.
I skipped exercise but did some dead hangs, which felt good. After breakfast, I picked up a decent coffee at Utopia and, upon arriving at school, set to printing out all my grading files, which involved a bit of dicking around to make them acceptable for the school, such as the girl who never came to class suddenly having 100% attendance. So it goes.
Health:
Physical: 7 Mental: 8
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Mai, Jern and PP for helping me sort out the printing of this semester’s grading files.
The best thing about today was:
Writing poetry and reading comics. I also enjoyed playing the guitar today, more so than yesterday, for sure.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As I was sitting in the teacher’s room this morning, at 9 am, all the Thai teachers went off for a meeting, so I was left by myself, busy updating my files to print.
About ten minutes later, George turns up and, on seeing me, just drops off his bag and leaves the room without saying a word. He was pacing up and down outside the room and making phone calls.
About ten minutes later, he comes back in and collects his bag and leaves again, without saying a word. I didn’t see him again, though I stayed around at the cafe until midday.
My lizard eye spies surprise Sideways sly spy in the skies Explain a name, much the same A play for fame explains the game
To beat the heat or face defeat You gotta cheat the play complete I did the do in watching you So talk me through the dimmest view
Before there’s more along the floor See what I see, saw what I saw Split decision at the supervision I got television with precision-vision I got an eye on you
Not as tired as I usually am by Friday which is pleasing. I’ve already done my morning classes again and they went pretty well. Just my lively grade 8s to go and then off home again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last drips and drops of my pay cheque that allow me to buy my yoghurt, that should tide me over until next month.
I don’t have enough money to pay for Amy’s birthday dinner now and have to figure out a way to get the credit card out of her wallet on the night without her noticing!
The best thing about today was:
The many interactions with students again, mostly mine but also a few new ones that wanted to talk.
Days like this make all the effort I put in feel worthwhile. I feel like any little small interaction is helping these kids in some way.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I have a sore spot right on the end of my tailbone. I’ve had it before and maybe it was at the same time last year. It feels like dry skin that has maybe split. It could be from spending more time sitting on hard wooden chairs or from doing more exercise at this time of year. I’m not sure. It’s more annoying than painful.
After my first class, I walked past the classroom where George was with the grade 11s that I also teach. The kids were mostly sprawled out across the floor asleep and George sat at his desk engrossed in his phone.
Well…. That’s not a great look in my book but whatever. It seems most of the Thai teachers don’t care either. But I feel at least a little bit responsible for giving these kids as much as I can, whether they would prefer to sleep or not!
Something I learned today?
China just found a cure for Type 2 diabetes and the USA wants to stop their citizens from getting access to treatment by blocking US scientists from working with Chinese Pharmaceuticals.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
Aida was looking a bit down again today and she said that she has a falling out with a couple of her friends in the class. I encouraged her to not overthink things and that it may already be ok again by next week.
I can feel that she thinks quite deeply about things and maybe focuses too much on the negative.
I took this picture because these fruits (or nuts) caught my eye as I got out of my car after a quick lunch coffee.
1994ever 