I am so happy and grateful that Amy had such a good time at the weekend. She came back very happy and a little drunk. I am grateful to Takky for taking care of her and doing all the driving too.
Well, Dylan didn’t make it on Saturday as he went out the night before. I can recall times when things like that would’ve upset me – especially as I was up and waiting for him at the meeting point. But now, I just brush it off and get on with other things and I spent an enjoyable day around the house and even treated myself to my first beers of the year – for which I paid for on the Sunday – but it was OK to remember what alcohol is like! It was also damn hot during the day and through the night now too. One thing I did notice is that my neck didn’t hurt in the morning like it usually does. Just the rest of my body suffering.
Anyway – the best thing that happened today was that I managed to get a lot of posts on to the blog as there is nothing much to do at school this week. Sadly, this morning George was really rude and abrupt with me, not even trying to be friendly with generic conversation, inviting others out for coffee to a different place than his usual DeLanna and not inviting me along or even looking at me. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that I have done to upset him but he seems to have some problem with me again.
It’s sad to be posting up blogs from 2019 and how George helped me a lot and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me. I have my suspicions that it is something to do with his relationship with Bee and her friendship with Amy. I haven’t been the friend he wants me to be and that seems a little sad, selfish and egotistical on his behalf.
George likes his little troupe of followers to go along with him and everything he says and if you step out of line you are not allowed back in. Even Bee says he has problems with friends which is so odd because he is friendly and outgoing on the surface. But all that’s superficial.
Anyway, now is a test to see how I handle things because the environment at work is very uncomfortable because of this.
I’ve been reading Zen Mind, Zen Beginner and some of that calms me – but I can’t quite work out how. Other bits of it seem close to nonsense in a realistic world setting. I can understand it without thinking it’s something I should do – like bowing 9 times or something like that.
Anyway, reading, thinking, growing. It’s the same as it ever was.
I highlighted these quotes as I was reading, as they struck me for some reason. Now as I sit and reflect on them I sometimes wonder exactly what it was that stood out and if it’s not obvious I guess that the truth I saw in these words is not as deep as I thought. Quotes that remain obvious for their inclusion would seem to highlight a deeper belief I have about the world.
Extracts from White Nights (Dostoyevsky)
…you’re sorry that the ephemeral beauty has faded so rapidly, so irretrievably, that is flashed so deceptively and pointlessly before your eyes – you’re sorry, for you didn’t even have time to fall in love with her…
When I was a teenager or twenty-something I would often look at people in the distance and try to see through their eyes at that moment in time and wonder what they were experiencing in their head. Could I jump, movie-like, from this life experience into a totally new one? Would it be better? Did I feel an urge to escape my own life?
Other times I would see a pretty girl and pretend to fall in love in that moment, hear her breath leave her mouth as I softly kissed her neck, then live a lifetime together in blissful happiness. In an instant these thoughts would disappear back behind other inane thoughts I might have. But, for that brief moment, I lived entire lives.
…moments like this are so rare in my existence that I must repeat them again and again in my thoughts.
These are happy thoughts and memories and as I’ve gotten older I realise they are not as rare as I thought. The more I have been writing and remembering, the big transformative negative events have given way to the smaller transformative positive ones. And as there have been less negative events in the last decade or two I feel like I must be getting somewhere. Repeating thoughts of positive memories must surely have the equal opposite benefit of continued negative ones. This could be a valid use of the word exponential.
…deep down the queer fish really means well.
Just call me ‘the queer fish’.
At any moment, I see more clearly than ever before that I’ve wasted my best years.
Everyone must feel this to some degree. It’s kind of relative. I wish I was as wise as I am now when I was a teenager. I’m envious of those who seem to have a level head at that age, yet also jealous of those crazy mad dogs charging into everything without thought and getting away with it. I consider everything that happened to me has gotten me to where I am now. Ok, I’m not as fit and healthy as when I was a teenager but inside I don’t feel any different, especially when it comes to the possibilities….I feel much more capable now, capable of learning new things and persisting. Though falling off a skateboard aged 40 taught me some things are probably too late to take up.
In the end, you feel that your much-vaunted, inexhaustible fantasy is growing tired, debilitated, exhausted, because you’re bound to grow out of your old ideals; they’re smashed to splinters and turn to dust, and if you have no other life, you have no choice but to keep rebuilding your dreams from the splinters and dust, But the heart longs for something different!
I’m not sure why I specifically highlighted this but it is giving me several ideas. Those ‘much-vaunted inexhaustible fantasies’ smashed; due to maturity, due to change, due to circumstance. I think I’ve been quite flexible in this regard and been able to accept changes and moving on as they happened. ‘Rebuilding your dreams’… is nothing to be afraid of.
I was struck by a passage in Sam McPheeters book ‘Mutations’ where he says he suddenly changed from going to see shows many times a week to not being interested in seeing live music at all – like a switch that went off for him. My circumstances in 2013 suddenly meant that I could no longer afford (or choose to afford) going to shows after about 8 years of being out every weekend. I missed the thrill and the camaraderie, meeting friends, frenzied noise and the joys of working together but ultimately I easily accepted this new situation. Perhaps because I had a higher goal at the time – to move myself to Thailand.
‘Grow out of your ideals’….this, I feel, is something that didn’t change for me. I still carry the same ideals – even useless ones. I am an idealist more than a realist. It’s a source of personal unhappiness but by itself a virtue.
‘But the heart longs for something different’…the grass is always greener. I’m learning now to be satisfied. My brain is not switched off to new ideas and possibilities and I don’t wish to become an old man stuck in his ways but I am learning to relax into a peaceful rhythm of life, sitting in my own comfortable space within a beautiful house with a beautiful garden, in a strange otherworld of a foreign country and in the comfort of my own mind. This is what I wanted, this is what I got, so now I must enjoy the reward.
I know exactly why I highlighted this yet I think I only agree the first clause of this sentence. I have some very vivid memories of certain places that contributed to a great passionate love that sticks with me to this day. It was a very special time that I hope I can put into words one day. I would often revisit those places, searching for that brief passion within me, ultimately knowing that it won’t be found again. I have accepted that and even feel happier without that high, because those kinds of highs were always followed by lows, whether the following week, month, year or decade. I am much more at peace these days. I do still wish I was more mature at the time. I would’ve hurt less people, including myself.
It has been a sad, drizzly day, without relief – just like my future senility. I am oppressed by strange thoughts and dark sensations; throngs of vague questions obsess me, but I have neither the strength nor the desire to cope with them.
“…just like my future senility’ made me chuckle. What about my current senility? Although not this day, I am often oppressed by throngs of vague questions. Some days I love them and others I don’t have the strength for them. On those days I usually accept the situation and watch TV. I am trying to be kind to myself, waiting on my future senility.
…our own unhappiness makes us more sensitive to the unhappiness of others.
I can feel this deeply sometimes and the effort to take other people out of their funk may help my own depression yet the advice I can give others is much more difficult to follow myself. This is a common experience for most people and I have tried to practice talking less and trying to find other ways to pick people up. This is particularly interesting when there’s little point in talking to ESL students or friends as they don’t have the vocabulary to understand anyway. Cultural differences often stand in the way too. I don’t want to come across as being some kind of expert or having the right way but can only try to offer suggestions.
Tell me, why aren’t we all like brothers? Why does even the best person hold something from another?
What a crazy world it would be if we never held anything back. All truths were told. There must be science fiction stories about this. A utopia or a place where humans completely destroyed each other? This concept is too huge for my tiny little brain right now. Is it even worth thinking about?
Naval Ravikant suggested that asking the question ‘what is the meaning of life’ is pointless, at least in the purpose of producing an answer, but the process of trying to answer the question will still provide worthwhile results.
…we won’t resent for long a wound inflicted by those we love..
I’m reminded of a recent time when a friend offered me advice along with the statement that “I’m only saying this because I love and care about you.” I forget what the advice was now but considered this statement. I took it at face value at the time though also felt a little strange about it – what was the real purpose of the statement?
A few months later and for one reason or another I had done something to upset this friend and now they no longer talk with me. Of course, I could have behaved better though it’s not exactly clear to me what it was that triggered this change in friendship status. Then I thought back to this statement and I realised that it was said without sincerity. It was said just to make them feel good.
Now, that’s ok. Because I’m sure I do this all the time. But I try not to. I want to be completely sincere (or obviously insincere – that’s the English in me again!). I would be a terrible poker player – I cannot hide my feelings on my face and I don’t care to learn.
As to those I love, all wounds are forgiven but I also don’t spread my love so deep and far. Maybe I should. But I’m afraid. What am I really afraid of?
Now I’m getting to vague questions that I may not have the strength to contemplate.
Brain dump
Take it easy. No need to push real hard, just do something – every little bit helps.
You are a student and a teacher. Clearer mind this morning – not so much in it.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my calm mind this morning. I had a good sleep and woke up with not so many thoughts rattling around and I think it is because I am not teaching proper classes at the moment so I have taken the internal pressure off. I hope I can achieve this state more often when I am teaching normally. Got to balance my care.
Indonesia’s intense, vital experimental duo Senyawa release their newest album Alkisah via a decentralised worldwide co-operative effort. An explosive, exploratory trip through Senyawa’s unique sonics, Alkisah represents these masters of unpredictable experimental music pushing their own boundaries.
Instrumentalist Wukir Suryadi performs on his homemade instruments, created from bamboo and other natural materials, offering a rarely explored link between the ancient, traditional, mystical music of South-East Asia and the contemporary avant-garde.
Vocalist Rully Shabara (also of tenzenmen recording artists Zoo) mines the human voice for its strangest and most challenging sounds, chanting, yowling and throat-singing like a chorus of demons in one song and an arcane, chattering machine in the next.
Rhythms skitter and crash around like gamelan, punctuated with trashcan drums or bulging plumbing percussion, while doomier moments (such as “Istana”) crush with seething waves of distortion and Rully’s mesmeric growls (a mix of Javanese, Bahasa, and other Indonesian languages). The record lurches from urgency to apocalypse, a twisting and twining story with animist mythology and hellish atmospherics.
Recorded and Mixed by Iwan Karak At Eloprogo, September 2020
Soundscape of Eloprogo recorded by tesaran
Artworks by Sopeng
Minang proverbs on “Kabau” compiled by Taufik Adam
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my tooth guard. Without it, I would grind my teeth down to the gums. I think my neck problem comes from doing this too. Maybe it’s because I drink too much coffee but I sleep well most of the time.
I met Bruno for coffee this morning and enjoyed a little ride around on the way there and I felt in a good mood when I arrived. As ever, we discussed our thoughts on teaching in Thailand, our frustrations with it and our solutions for dealing with it. We both feel much the same. We try our best because we want the best for the kids. We work hard for them whether they appreciate it or not. If we can make a difference to one student then our stress has been worth it.
Let’s hope I can remember this with my class tomorrow! Haha!
More importantly for me I brought up my feelings about George. I wasn’t sure how much to say to Bruno as George had said that they were good friends before but I could feel that something wasn’t quite there.
As it turns out Bruno has much the same problems with him. That he’s hiding something, or putting on a facade of happiness which makes us feel like he’s insincere, his patriarchal behaviour and upset when people don’t do what he wants or behave the way he would like. Neither of us dislike him but both feel less need to do things together (with him).
I always liked George for his positive and outgoing personality. He does deal with some things very well but if it is a facade then it puts sincerity in doubt.
I talked with Bruno about how we both feel that we know about our own weaknesses even when we can tell others the best way to deal with something, it can be very difficult to do as you say for yourself. I used the analogy of ‘the doctor who smokes’. And perhaps this has some similarities to my feelings about George. I know the way I should be with him – to let it go, don’t overthink etc but it keeps nagging at me unavoidably.
I also realise that I don’t say he is insincere or arrogant but that is the way I perceive him. That’s all I can control – but how? This is a difficulty for me.
We also discussed how Bruno had mentioned before that I seemed to have peace of mind but I explained that’s not so – as ‘the doctor who smokes’, I know the way to be but struggle so much to achieve it. I said that what my difficulty is is accepting who I am and why I am the way I am. When I’m happy – such as last Monday – nothing can hurt me but when I’m not quite right – such as Friday – I just can’t find that acceptance – though I do generally know that the feeling will go away again. At least I know now that I can accept myself – this actually feels like a recent event though.
And it’s weird looking back at old diary entries, seeing that even 30 years ago, I knew all these things, could say all the right things yet I still haven’t found real peace of mind. I felt good talking about these things and somewhat validated that it wasn’t just me being a bad friend to George and there was someone else having exactly the same thoughts as me.
I am so happy and grateful for the weeds in the garden – a reminder of the constant struggle of life and of the determination to survive. Don’t give up. I am also grateful for the nicer things that grow in our garden. In the mornings there is a beautiful smell from a flowering tree which brings me a great feeling of harmony.
Yesterday was a kind of brought day and got me down a bit. When that happens I usually don’t feel like coming to my room and watched a load of YouTube and a movie instead. It felt like the right thing to do somehow although perhaps I might’ve gotten better quicker if I had come here – maybe I’ll force myself next time.
What a strange week. From a weird ecstasy on Monday to what sometimes felt like tragedy on Friday. I had an ominous feeling before my class on Friday and looked over my lesson to make sure the students could manage it. They actually did well enough but they were difficult to control. Champ came to talk with them though I didn’t know what about and they were all quiet and curious for a few minutes after that. It was difficult to get them to focus after that and I lost my patience, having to repeat myself again and again and packed my things and told them to leave 20 minutes early – they could tell I was upset with them.
Later, I talked with Champ and he told me he had told them that next semester they wouldn’t have a farang teacher for English as they were too disruptive and loud with me – forcing me to be loud (and frustrated) with them. Obviously they kids would have been curious about this and what it actually meant.
I felt better after discussing things with Champ a bit and came to my own conclusion that I’m really only happy teaching students who want to learn and I struggle to control those who don’t. Sometimes I can laugh it off but it often seems to depend on me.
I don’t where my foreboding came from earlier in the day but it certainly proved right – or was it a self-fulfilling prophecy?
I also got really upset with George as he insisted that Dylan play guitar for everyone in the room. George does this often – forcing people to do things whether they want to or not. It’s not normally anything extraordinary but it really grinds my gears and I feel another contribution to my turn around on my like for him.
I can also feel that he has a problem with me now as he no longer includes me in anything – probably because I usually want to do other things most of the time. I feel it’s a little bit like retribution against me somehow. I don’t follow his way so I’m excluded from his chums. I feel it’s a little insincere because also at the same time, he can still be nice and friendly. Maybe I read too much into it and think about it too much – maybe it’s proximity, as we spent too much time together earlier in the school year. Both our bad sides are shown.
His manipulation of people shouldn’t bother me as I can’t control him or the people he directs the manipulation at. He tried it with me many times before and he knows it doesn’t work with me.
Uh – I feel it’s a shame and that all the problems I have with people stem from me. Sometimes that’s ok and other times it gets me down. But I feel it’s not something I can easily fix within myself.
I am a solitary person. I do need other interaction but just enough to satisfy myself. I am jealous of how other people have more social lives than me but don’t want to be obliged into it if it makes me uncomfortable. I find most people boring to be with. That’s the way I am.
Finish ab workout and yoga stretching – feels good, a little tired – less than seven hours sleep – dump thoughts and meditate. What thoughts now? With pain in hand thoughts are difficult – when trying to meditate thoughts come easy. Sat by the river with George yesterday – not much time tho but was pleasant, talked about how different countries have different cultures. When it comes to community, family and sharing things. I mostly recall the sunlight on the river. Anyway highlighted some of our differences in behaviour which we all have to accept and understand – sometimes forgive.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to our neighbour’s dog Tangmo who came to visit yesterday morning before I went to work. He was running around full of energy and ran away from Tigger. I tried to get him to follow me out so I could close the gate but he kept running back inside. It made me smile for the whole day.
Yes, today was pretty good too. Spent a good morning at House – drinking coffee, sketching and reading. I feel like I’m on top of many things at the moment.
The best thing about today was helping students with some difficult L and R tongue twisters – it was fun and they didn’t give up.
Started reading Sartre’s Age of Reason and also completed another sketch.
Aussie day – forgot about already. Remember Cronulla, think logically – leads to Trump. Can people everywhere understand? Do they really think it’s good?
Good sleep – forgotten dreams. It’s okay, body stronger, brain stronger. Love life. Love reading, love music, love clean air – where is it? Where is the rain?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the jukebox in my head, the settings and times in there are the soundtrack of my life.
A bit more subdued today though I did many things. I got a bit annoyed at the students again and sent some video of students playing on their phones in class to Kru Tongjai – when she replied ‘What happened?’ I thought I would try to understand why the situation is the way it is rather than try to fix it. So I told her not to worry about it and that the problem is my way of thinking. I need to accept that I can’t really help the students much more when they have many different factors to contend with going against them. Teaching methods, lazy teachers, parents etc etc.
So, do I just resign myself to having fun in class and not worry about the students? It’s annoying for me because many students are smart enough to understand that their education is woeful. Oh well.
The best thing about today was finishing Notes From Underground. So good. I’m not sure what it all means to me but I could identify lots within the text – whether it was related to me of to other people.
I still have many thoughts and feelings about George that I hope I can express here sometime. They are not clear but starting to have some definition. I have just been acting as normal with everyone but George seems a little off and I’m not sure if it is relative to me or something else going on. He doesn’t start any conversation with me at all now and I always have to push for any kind of talk.
When I have no self-doubt I feel fine but other times when my self-belief is low I wonder what is going on. I just need to be.
I am so happy and grateful for my cousin Mungo. He reminds me of me when I was younger. Searching for truth and meaning in different places. I’m still searching but have a better idea of where to look more that I’m older.
To-do list
Clear stage 4 guitar ½
Study more Ableton
Find things that you can do for others ½
Find a suitable git for Amy
More drawing
I’ve been feeling pretty good all round since I started getting up early again and doing minimal exercise, yoga and meditation. It seems to give me the energy I need for the day.
Going for coffee now is my time to study Thai. I don’t stay much longer than necessary as I used to. It was nice to hang out with George and Dylan at De Lanna in the mornings but it was getting a little repetitive. We would also often stay quite a long time and the coffee is no good now Manow has left and it wasn’t great to start with.
It was a little difficult to break away from doing this each morning and I think George took it a little personally. I also was overthinking everything but all is fine now. I also wanted to spend more time focusing on language learning and it would be kinda rude to do that whilst in company.
I didn’t tell them that I was studying much more as I didn’t want any external pressure about it. I put enough pressure on myself. I’m making slow but steady progress. I challenge myself to do three apps worth of study every day. Some of it is sticking.
I recorded the last Chiang Rai Alternative Hour this week. It’s been fun to focus on that for this past 12 months or so during lockdowns and no travel. I’d like to spend some more time just listening to and enjoying music again. Something which I’m doing as I write this.
I have a few other things I’d like to do more of as well, such as drawing, improving at guitar, learning more about Ableton and reading more. I have to remember that I have lots of time.
I am so happy and grateful for the wind. Hopefully, it can blow away the smoky air. It’s cold. It’s refreshing. It’s unusual.
It’s been a while since writing and it is something I’ve been trying to prompt myself to get back into. I’ve been a bit lost recently – having some negative thoughts that took me into myself.
A lot of this centred around George and while I know he is a nice friendly person and can be a good friend, something’s happened in my head that questions all that. Some of this was based on things that he said and things that I’d heard.
I knew that I shouldn’t judge on some of these things but it became a downward spiral due to such close proximity all the time. I withdrew into myself where I was actually quite happy.
I’m really enjoying working at the moment and the challenge the students give me every day. I feel more comfortable around them and less around George’s alpha-male-ness. Like I said – he’s not a bad alpha male, not a bad person or anything. I just have an aversion to alpha male behaviour. It’s not his problem at all, but mine. Anyway, I apologised to him for being a bit off (which also affected the way he was treating me) and things are more even again now.
13th Dec 2024 – Not long after this, George’s true colours became more apparent and the things that had bothered me had turned out to be good intuition. I do still think though that in some ways, I made it my problem and I should have just let him get on with it.
I’m keeping myself a bit more occupied with learning Thai and staying out a little less for coffee in the morning. I actually prefer to help the other teachers if I can.
Apart from that, I feel OK, though a little flat as we approach the end of this strange year. A lot has changed for the better for me, whilst I can see it has worsened for a lot of others. I need to completely tune out from the news and find some focus on other things I’d like to try.
I want to read more, and try drawing. Learn more guitar, Thai and how to play a keyboard. All these things seem possible.
Wake a little early again but enjoyed snoozing. Seven-minute classic exercise coming up – not looking forward to doing but looking forward to the feeling afterwards. First, a good stretch.
Scribble dribble – what’s in my head. Students, class, study, water, cats, coffee – damn, coffee I can taste it already – preparing my taste buds for that first hit. Am I addicted? No coffee after midday today, okay?
Cracking bones in my body – is it too late to repair my body? Let’s see, let’s try. Smelled alcohol last night and made me nauseous – weird to have such a reaction. Haven’t drunk for about a month, I think.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to take a photo by the river with our barista this morning. Manow is very poor at English but somehow we can communicate our needs.
1st Nov 2022 – I saw this picture recently but can’t find it now. Maybe got deleted whilst trying to figure out how the hell iCloud works across multiple devices and then deleting things off my phone. If you are reading this in 100 years I hope you laugh at how old and dumb this technology was.
To-do list
Savour something ½
Compliments and awards ½
No coffee after midday
7-minute morning workout and squats ✅
As I was sat drinking coffee this morning, sat next to the river, nice temperature, I tried to put myself into a savouring state but somehow I just couldn’t manage it. I think it was because I was thinking too much about what to do with my class when I got back. I even checked my heartrate which was unusually high for me and the fitness app told me that I was stressed! I didn’t really feel stressed – just had that class on my mind.
I tried not to drink coffee after midday but broke down at 1.30 and caved in! It’s ok. I’ll try again tomorrow. Maybe get three coffees in before midday – that worked yesterday.
In general, I enjoyed school today and I’m still really happy. I do think about complimenting people but except for people’s appearance, I’m finding it a little difficult to find some things to compliment on. I do compliment the students a lot though. I don’t really count that though as that feels to me like it’s just a part of the job.
I did spend an hour or so talking with George about Lebanon and religion. I enjoyed that and thinking back to it now, there were moments when I was savouring that conversation.
I still need to practice more listening than speaking and also pushing the conversations to new and interesting places. I don’t really need to share my opinion – is it really important that other people know what I think? It’s still possible to drive a deep and meaningful conversation without committing to absolute belief.
I am so happy and grateful that I have more energy these days. It helps me make better decisions.
To-do list
Awards – why is this hard? ½
Compliment two people ✅
Remember that thing about listening ½
Clear some emails ½
IELTS and TOEFL check ½
An enjoyable day as I only had to teach for 2 hours and it was with 1/9 who are the best students. I felt more grounded today and I was looking for opportunities to do the things on my list but often they came to my mind at times when it was too late to action. I want to keep on trying to form the habits of the first 3 things on my list – I feel like they are important.
Kru Fluke helped me with some printing today so I gave her an award of my favourite teacher of the day but after that, I forgot about any other awards. As I was writing this I also remembered that I told Dylan he was a good guy for helping me with something too – so that’s my two compliments.
I helped Dylan a little in his class too so I’m going to cross off my Random Act of Kindness achievement for today. I’m actually finding it difficult to stay out of other classes because I just enjoy being around the students and helping out.
With nothing much else to do for preparation for work I could spend all day reading or listening to podcasts or watching vides but helping out is making me feel happy. I’m really enjoying working here and I have to thanks George a lot for that.
1994ever 