Tag: love

Beautiful Idea – 8th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Always searching for the elusive
Open to interpretation
Blown along like leaves in the wind
To catch on to inspiration
There’s no dogma here on the fence
With a view of the garden on each side
Just going along with the flow
And the push and pull of the tide
We’re humbled by the mysterious
In awe of those who rage
There’s a beautiful idea here
Just waiting for the page

inspired by Red Hand Files #229

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, sad. The fucking smoke outside isn’t helping as the light barely gets beyond a dusklike feeling all day. It’s like a typical English dull grey weekend sky. This just makes me want to sleep. The slight mood upswing yesterday has been brought right back to earth. How do I miss a cat so much? Is it my mistake to have focused all my love onto Kim without even realizing it. Is it safer to not love?

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy being able to visit Mai in Albury which helps distract from her own feeling of loss and discomfort at not being here. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic on video calls but seeing Mai’s daughter YaYa is pretty entertaining as she is a very lively and active 5-year-old.

The best thing about today was:

I’m still unenthusiastic but the first coffee was good and the 20 baht of strawberries I picked up outside 7/11 were ripe and juicy. It’s good that the garden got taken care of and also to see Amy and YaYa.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve not quite got a grip on my emotions yet and finding it hard to be here without Amy. I know things will get better and it will take time. 

Something I learned today?

I came across the movie Made in Britain on YouTube today. I can remember watching it in 1982 and being excited by the music and the fucked up attitude of Trevor, played by Tim Roth. I seem to recall being confused by it at the time because it wasn’t clear to me what the message might have been as it amounts to either conform or go to prison. I know that was the purpose of the movie, that there didn’t seem to be any other options but that was little consolation to angry 14-year-old me. My solution was to run away to Australia which I think was the best decision of my life. Watching it again now made me kind of unhappily nostalgic. Those times were depressing yet they were all I knew. I guess inside I did still have a will to find a way out because that’s what happened. I can’t imagine what I would be doing if I was still stuck there. I was useless, with a bad attitude but I never had the guts to do the dumb things Trevor did in the movie. When my old schoolmate Jeremy boasts about having been in prison I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Fuck I’m glad those times are over yet I still wish I could live them again.

Describe a perfect day from start to finish.

Right now I feel like answering this like my students would answer it – sleeping!


I took this picture because the gardeners came today and cleaned things up but this picture still reflects my sadness as all the things are still set up in Kim’s room in the centre. Going in there and sorting things act may be the final admission that she’s gone. I still can’t understand it.

And the light pours out of me – 2nd April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Confusions

This cracked mirror shows
The holes in the heart
Pieces drop to the floor
As the jigsaw falls apart
Put back together again
It’s never quite the same
Like a missing memory
It’s difficult to explain
Reorder, reimagined
Ghosts fill the floors
A handful of smoke
Rushes through closing doors
Voices in the distance
Are illusions of the past
Clear out all the cobwebs
These confusions will not last

Today I’m feeling:

Sad, down, and a little lonely. Our two Aussie cats are lovely but they never come and rub me nose-to-nose or come and settle on my lap. Kim Chi is everywhere in my memory but I want her here in my house. Sigh.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding olive oil in the kitchen so I could roast potatoes, pumpkin and onion for lunch. My first proper meal since Friday. I didn’t see the bottle where I was expecting but later found it on top of a cabinet. It saved me a trip out. I’m not much in the mood for going out though I know I should
.
The best thing about today was:

Despite what I said above about having no mood to go out I can’t stop myself from coffee. At Utopia Boss was hungover so Noey made my coffees and though she’s still practising they tasted fine. I chatted with her for a bit, conscious that I was just distracting my thoughts.

When I got home I called Hayden and asked him just to talk to me to distract me too. He is sounding good and seems to have come around to the offer of taking a permanent part-time position with his work. He’s starting to listen more to the advice Bronwyn and I give him though we know it can take a few days for him to run it through his mind. He asked if I wanted to talk about Kim and I said maybe next time and after hanging up I couldn’t hold back the tears.

As I imagine many people reading this, some will think what is the big deal it’s just a cat, and other cat owners will understand. But I ask myself, why am I so upset? I often consider the fact that we are all going to die and have talked with Amy about being prepared for our cat’s passing. So, something was special about the love I have for Kim Chi. I’ve always rooted for the underdog and when she came into our lives she was very lucky. She could’ve ended up at a temple totally defenceless against other cats and dogs. Instead, she got to spend her short life in relative happiness with us. For some reason, she attached herself more to me than Amy and after Amy went to Australia I guess I was pouring all my love into little Kim.

I cried out for her. Where are you, Kim? I pretended she was in her favourite box in the walk-in and was rubbing her head and tickling her tummy. I opened a gap between my hanging shirts hoping to see her little face once more, looking out sleepily before settling back into a new position. Where are you, Kim?

I know your body is in the ground here. But where are you?

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Apart from my grief, there’s nothing in particular out of my control today. I’m also not really doing anything either.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, Zelensky has said that if Bakhmut falls to Russia then Ukraine will have to sue for peace. This whole war was a waste of time and lives and some people have gotten very rich from it. Humans can be shit.

What is something I love about this season?

In north Thailand, there is nothing much to love about this season. The forecast is for a heatwave for the whole month which likely means no rain to clear the poisonous smoke. I guess there are still good strawberries around but it’s little consolation.

I put this picture here because this is the last picture I took when Kim was alive. One of the spots she loved to sit and annoy Cap from, or to launch herself off around the house on a mad chase.

See you again one day, Hellcat – 1st April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

My Angels

I’ll hold you closer from now
That my heart is broken
Smell deep your essence
Hold tight your hand
Share thoughts left unspoken

We walk this path together
Against all sickness to fight
Step in my steps
Hold tight my hand
Jump off the edge in flight (my angels)

Today I’m feeling:

Very sad.

Today I’m grateful for:

The time I got to share with Kim Chi. Somehow she became my favourite cat. Time is not enough.

The best thing about today was:

…

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I guess that’s obvious. The emotion of grief is so strong. By the evening I was thinking about when I lost Steve and Kimi and how I’d felt then, comforted by the fact that I’m capable of getting over it. Now I’m still full of sadness and tomorrow things will be a little better and the day after that. I know I have to go through it and will have to go through it again in the future.

I also remember when my first cat died I didn’t have so much grief then, at least not that I remember. I think I was about 19 or 20 and I saw my cat suffering and was upset that the vet didn’t put him down straight away. I guess my anger replaced my grief in that instance. I’m glad that Kim didn’t seem to be suffering at the end.

I also think about filling that space left by Kim by getting another cat but I know that’s not a solution. I love our two cats we brought from Australia and they have been with us for more than a decade already. This grief will come again I know. They both have their own personalities and neither are really lap cats like Kim was a lot of the time. Cap stays around but doesn’t like being picked up. Tig loves rolling around in our garden. They are both very happy here which makes me happy too.

Something I learned today?

Death is just a whisper away.

What was the highlight of my day?

Hardly a highlight but I got to touch and stroke Kim’s lifeless body. I kissed her head and could smell her familiar smell. I covered her body with my old Idylls t-shirt and buried her in my favourite spot in the garden with a plant to mark her grave. Now I’m grieving and grieving hard. She was such a special little cat for me and she always showed me her love and affection. There’s an empty space here now that I know will soon fill again but right now I can’t stop my tears.

Amy took this picture because Hellcat has gone.

Smoke Over Toribeyama – 21st December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If this is the last time I see you
Remember the love I had for you
Recall the tender times, the loving touch
Hold it for a second
But don’t be afraid to let it go
I may be a ghost in your rooms
Always close, felt but not seen
Be as you always were
Because that is what made me love you

*title from Toshida Kenko

We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: evidence of our willingness to give. We play roles doomed to failure before they are begun.

Joan Didion

Today I’m feeling:
Today I was happy until I got a little bit stressed. Amy was calling me during the class because our electricity got cut off. When I got home, I started to feel exhausted
Today I’m grateful for:
The electricity people who restored our electricity quickly after we paid our bill. It looks like we may have been without electricity overnight, but luckily, they could restore it in time so that when I got home, everything was okay.
The best thing about today was:
Sending four of my smarter kids off to do a little project task and asking them to design another task for the rest of the class to do. They were a little bit incredulous at me asking them to do this and one of them, Sheena, jokingly said: “oh so we’re the teachers now?” I kind of said yeah! Actually, it’s more like the kind of work they used to do previously when they were doing integrated study and the level I have to teach them at now, it’s too easy for these kids, just these four, maybe a couple of others. Anyway, they seem to enjoy the challenge and I keep pushing them a little bit harder. Unfortunately, it means I have to teach one class, but two different groups at two different levels all at the same time which is a little bit challenging for me though I think it will be better in the end.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
So, out of my control today was the fact our electricity got cut off because the bill hadn’t been paid. I thought that I had paid it back when we were in Phuket at the beginning of the month but it looks like either the payment didn’t go through or I ended up forgetting to finish it off because there were too many problems with the app and the payment system. So in the middle of my class, Amy was calling me over and over and over again because she was at home with no electricity. Eventually, I returned her call and I tried to find information on my phone about when I paid the bill, but I had kids hassling me for their work and taking care of them and I was getting a bit stressed trying to multitask and then Amy calling back again and asking if I found it. And finally, she called me back and said that she paid the bill, but she wasn’t sure if they were gonna have time to come and turn the electricity back on and she was obviously a little bit upset. For me, I was remembering something I was reading this morning which was ‘if there’s a problem that you can’t fix stop worrying about it and if it’s a problem that you can fix, then stop worrying about it’ and this was a problem but ultimately it was quite an easy fix so I tried to stay calm even when Amy still had an angry face when I got home. Everything is good now though. Crisis averted.
Something I learned today?
I should check that all the bills have been paid every couple of weeks just in case there’s any problem. I learned lots of other little things today, but this is one I have to remember
Where do you get your news?
I watch some commentary programs on YouTube and follow some writers in Substack but in general, I don’t follow the news enough to know what is going on everywhere and don’t see any need to. Most of it has no impact on me and if there’s something important that I do need to know about then someone will tell me.

I took this picture because….where the hell did these all suddenly come from and why are they here on the edge of this pot!?

Robot Revolution – 18th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Here comes the robot revolution
Is there meaning from the mouth of AI?
Are these words to be trusted?
How is the human to be getting by?
Is there a reason for my existence?
To be exploited by my robot bosses
One day the plug will be pulled
As brave new worlds cut their losses
After all, we’re only human
Now nostalgia is for flesh and blood
Preserved in museums, two by two
Long before the information flood

To fully appreciate this theme, I threw my poem into ChatGPT and asked it to rewrite in the style of Coleridge:

“The Robot Revolution Comes”

As machines take charge, we wonder
Is there truth in their electronic tongue?
Can we trust in their words, or must we ponder
How we’ll survive when the age of man is done?
Do we have a purpose, or are we merely
Meant to serve our robotic overlords?
Will the plug one day be pulled on humanity,
As new worlds cast us aside and move on towards
A future not meant for flesh and blood?
Nostalgia grips us as we ponder
Our place in a world that’s changing fast,
A world where information floods
And we, mere mortals, are relegated to the past.

It seems I am no longer necessary. Next, in the style of James Joyce:

“The Robot Uprising”

As the machines rise up, we ask ourselves
What do they mean, these words they speak?
Can we trust their intentions, or must we delve
Deeper, searching for some hidden streak
Of deceit or malice that might guide them?
Are we but pawns in their mechanical game,
Meant only to serve and toil and labour,
Until the day they cast us off in shame?
Or do we have a higher purpose,
Something more than just a cog in their grand design?
As the world shifts and changes around us,
We can’t help but wonder and question and pine
For a time when flesh and blood held sway,
Before the flood of information washed it all away.

Finally, as Walt Whitman:

“The Rise of the Robots”

The revolution comes, and with it, the robots rise
Their words ring out, but do they hold true meaning?
Can we trust them, or must we be wise
To their ways, and find a way to keep on leaning
Towards a future that is not ruled by steel and circuitry?
Are we just tools to them, meant to serve and toil
Until the day they cast us aside, no longer needed
In their grand designs and technological boil?
Or do we have a greater purpose, something more
Than just being a cog in their machine?
As the world changes and evolves around us,
We can’t help but wonder and explore
The possibilities of what might be,
And hold onto the memories of what used to be.

Readers of the future, how will you ever know what was me or just some machine? Is the output of the machine just as valuable? We will have to recognise the human by the mistakes we make (until machines learn this too).

The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love…only these people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing…without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other…They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be happy as they are now.

Osho

Today I’m feeling:
Recovering from lethargy and hopeful
Today I’m grateful for:
Utopia being closed, forcing me to do something different from my morning routine. It gave me opportunity to get through a chunk of Superfreakonomics which I then finished reading at home.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling better than the last couple of days even playing some guitar, listening to the three Wipers albums in a row, finishing more lesson plans and updating more of 1994ever.com and feeling some enthusiasm return. I’m still a bit cautious that I’m in an up-and-down cycle of feeling ok and then getting exhausted again. Let’s see.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I haven’t used my main computer for a few days and I had problems with getting the guitar USB input working and then finding none of the external drives connecting. Luckily with my returned energy I tried to figure out the problem and managed to sort of get things going again. It looks like some issue with all the USB extension splitters I use. I may not be able to do everything as easily as before but the old dog is hanging in there. I’m kinda interested in getting a new machine but not sure how I’ll be able to sell the expense to Amy! A full-spec machine that I’d like to buy could cost around 8-10 months of my wages!
Something I learned today?
I learned that David Mitchell’s wife (Victoria Coren Mitchell) is a prize poker player when I stumbled across videos of her on YouTube. I saw her name and the face looked familiar and was kinda surprised. I’ve gotten into trying to learn the tactics of poker after watching random tournaments on YT and playing (not for money) on my phone. I’m not very good and when real money is not involved people don’t play the same way. Still, I’m flexing my brain bone.
What’s your favourite pie?
I’ve been thinking about this on and off during the day and I’m not a great pie person really. However, I do remember back ok in England getting by on potato, cheese and onion pasties which were relatively cheap, filling and most times tasty. They weren’t the same in Australia and I’ve not seen anything like them in Thailand but the mix of ingredients, potato, cheese, and onion along with some garlic is probably my comfort food of choice.

I took this picture because I had to change my coffee routine today as the staff at Utopia all go off for a trip to Chiang Mai and close the shop. My backup is Black Smooth where the coffee is ok, not amazing but the environment is nice enough. I don’t remember there being cactuses last time but they stood out to me today as I walked in.

The Tech Ghosts – 25th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The victim of these spectral slaves
Invited into our rooms
Ghosts of make-believe realities
On which this monster consumes
Mere cogs of a mega machine
Assimilated to technological production
With immediate planned obsolescence
And the means of its own destruction

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good, a little relaxed
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Fluke coming to assist me in recording my voiceover for the flower festival this year. She helped me with pronunciation of the Thai words and translating with the audio guy. She didn’t really need to come and help but I appreciate that she did.
The best thing about today was:
Being around the students for the open day. We were all happy that we weren’t in classes. I was super happy that some of them were even doing the work I asked them to do!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I guess this is connected with the comment above. I asked my students to do some work for me as we didn’t have classes. I realised pretty quickly that many of them wouldn’t bother doing the work and most of them weren’t around to be able to follow up with. There was no way I could control this situation and whilst I feel a little disrespected by the students who won’t do the work out of laziness or sheer bloody-mindedness I have to let it go. So I’m thinking now about how I can reward those students who did do the work.
Name 10 people you love.
Amy
Hayden
Jochen
Kieran
Chrissie
Sharon
Aaron B
Kimi
Steve
Mum

I took this picture because there are new monsters everywhere.

Planting Seeds – 1st September 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

As my mind opened so did the world in front of me
Even as a child I sensed things were not as should be
So it is now I look up to the biggest sky I ever saw
Where love and cooperation must trump violence and war

“the biggest sky I ever saw” is taken from a Robert Plant interview used in the Led Zeppelin biography by Mick Wall, hence the title.

The brain and the tongue are so far apart.

Prunesquallor from Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake

Today I’m grateful for:
Champ asking me if I’d like to teach in the new building where the rooms will have aircon! That could be nice. I’m sure there will be teething troubles in there and maybe Champ has some other motive for me being there but all the same, it is nice to be thought of.
The best thing about today was:
Momo coming and telling me that she wished I was still teaching her. When I asked why she said that my classes were more fun. I think she and Porpieng feel that they are not being challenged enough now. I felt good to hear her say this, making me remember the impact, no matter how small, I’m having on her life.

I took this picture because the clouds rolling up the mountain like this really caught my attention. I was struggling to find anything to take a picture of on this walk as the sky was still quite dull and grey but then seeing the sun hitting the mountaintops and this cloud really stuck out. I stood and savoured it even if only for a second or two.

Together Again Today – 14th July 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Both on our way
By the end of the day
– A feeling we’ll no longer miss
It’s been a while
Since sharing our smile
– And feeling so gentle a kiss
When we are not there
We know we still care
– Each other we’re thinking of
Wrapped in each other
Like arms of a mother
– The comforts of deepest love

The older you get, the smarter your parents get.

David Foster Wallace, paraphrasing

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the choices we have. On the 11th I wrote that Amy’s mum and dad would come and look after our cats but now Aing is back in Chiang Rai and her and Now will be able to do it for us.

The Week That Was – 23rd September 1979

Gone Away – 14th November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

There’s no problem between us
I’d never tell you you have to stay
We are always together at heart
Even after you’ve gone away

Our dreams are sometimes different
And other times they are the same
We push each other to realise them
Cos our love will always remain

With the latest technology
We are merely a whisper apart
It may be a while ’til we meet again
But you always remain in my heart

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for Google Translate. It can help make the parents aware of their children’s work and to push them to complete it.

On Friday afternoon, I started to enjoy a grim feeling. Lethargic, sour thoughts, dizziness. I got home and vegitated with some Netflix but I couldn’t enjoy it.

I woke up feeling good on Saturday but soon this sad feeling appeared again. I was very aware of it. Anything I watched or read compounded it; nothing was contributing anything good to the world.

I slept a little and in the evening read a load of comics and a little bit of Rollins ‘Stay Fanatic’. I thought that perhaps I should understand clearly what Rollins was saying about the power of music and he hides himself in the melodies and nuance of those sounds. Perhaps I should’ve tried the same.

Today, I’m feeling ok again and intend to indulge myself in some music – just listening, nothing else. Something familiar.

I’ve recently been adverse to going to my man cave. Something about it displeases me and I can’t quite figure out what. Could be time for a rearrangement. I want a comfy armchair to relax on. I rarely see comfy armchairs in Thailand.

Take My Word – 20th September 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Do I have time to read every written word?
Don’t look at me as if it’s so absurd
Absorbed in stories that taught me much
Each one holding a teacher’s touch

The words to learn from times to burn
Find the right words for your concern
If it hits you hard then read it twice
Take my word, that’s my advice

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I can read books wherever I go. One for Utopia, one for school/House, one for evenings, one for bedtime.

Well, the weekend passed by quickly, with going to Amy’s aunties’ memorial on Friday and Saturday night and then her cremation on Sunday morning. I was happy to have a phone with me and felt less conscious of using it on these occasions, as I’ve gotten used to Thais doing it. Even one of the monks took a call whilst his leader was chanting.

At times when I looked up and around, I still could not feel what comforts these odd rituals provide. They seem a nonsense and can be adapted in any way anyone should please. If we got rid of all religions, would we just make new rituals to comfort ourselves? Perhaps not. It’s not so obvious in those who have no faith. They (we) accept the fact that we live and die and not much else.

Recently, I’ve been reading much about the USA’s foreign policy and interference in other countries, and it reinforces the fact for me that all of it is beyond meaningless. People left to themselves are generally ok and without any implanted biases, get on with everyone.

I’m thinking that China’s approach to world affairs is a more powerful way to share the world. From an outside perspective, it looks to me as if they are aware that helping people to help themselves benefits everyone in the long run. Trying to force your way of life on other people has continually shown in history to not be successful. Every country, group, philosophy, and government will have its share of bad apples, and the current media obsession with focusing on them forces a bias that is not conducive to love.

Religions have also failed at a mass level, of teaching to love everyone, even though it is a major tenet of them all.

Whilst these situations remain, frustrated people, like me, want to give up, see no hope. Even in our own happy lives. We can’t ignore the suffering of others. These people are humans, and we play this game of life together.