I’d rather be happy than right this time – 1st February 2018

It was a shock to me, so wound up and heart rate spiralling.  I could feel myself losing control, unable to think clearly and put the words together succinctly.

Mostly, I am very calm and chilled.  Most people’s drama and excitements don’t affect me much – they often seem so petty and inconsequential.  I am not a fan of conflict – I just can’t deal with it calmly.  I recall a particular instance of being accused of always running away when I get into an argument with my then partner.  Damn right I did, she was way smarter than me and could still put together a coherent thought whilst screaming her disapproval at me.  I had to run away and calm down before putting out an olive branch of regret.  Sometimes too early, and I had to run away again.

But, sometimes, in a couple of my work roles, I have felt the need to stand up and say my piece and call out the stupidity I see around me.  And so it was yesterday.

The circumstances are not particularly relevant because, of course, now, I can also see how petty and inconsequential they are.  What stood out to me in the post-conflict situation was how I felt and I struggled to deal with it.  I took a walk and called Amy, though I didn’t discuss what happened with her, just needed some soothing re-assurance of normality.  I checked my heart rate and that was still high, even about an hour later.  I wasn’t re-living the event and going over it so much, cos I was right, goddammit!  I think perhaps I was concerned about the possible escalation and continuation of the conflict for the rest of the day but that never eventuated.

Of course, as I slept that night and occasionally woke, that is when I started replaying the events in my mind.  And the titular lyric came into my head.  Now, if I could just put it into practice!

I used to think that justice had to rule for happy lives, but now I’m not so
Sure at all

…you’re either wrong or right and life will go on either way, whatever
You chose….

 

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