Are you depressive? Depressing? Obsessive? Obsessed? – 15th June 2020

This is certainly not the rain of England. The snitty spitty in-your-face cold annoying dull grey wet of Atlantic weather. This is the joyous cooling rain of the tropics, life bringing to our plants – flood bringing to the roads and fields.

The fisherman was still paddling his boat around the river and I wished I was him.

Are you someone or no one?
Are you alive or dead?
– Subhumans, ‘Rain’

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the rain today. It’s cool and refreshing and feeding our plants.

Brain dump

Bad weekend full of negative thoughts – still now struggling with it. Hayden and I are the same – I can see now. When I look at his life there seems to be a key event that has caused him problems – i.e. when he got bashed.

I got punched a couple of times in my youth too but I didn’t put much significance into those events – but maybe they did leave some effect. I know I was dark for some time after both of them and when I look at them now I can conceive that I deserved to be punched both times. But does anyone deserve that? Am I selling myself short?

Stopped painkillers for now and double sertraline again – see if I can get some stability back. Feel like I’m too serious and not enough fun.

Talked with Amy last night. She pointed out that I don’t know enough about Hayden and his life. He always gets a little defensive about any questions about what he is doing though so usually I just wait for him to offer up information. This time I guess both me and his mum waited too long. Yes, I blame myself. But at least now is a chance to do something about it I guess.

I’ll try to talk to him about this today. Hope I can keep my own head clear.

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