Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Where does it go from here? Is it down to the lake I fear? – 4th April 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hold on a minute while I catch my breath! We packed up our tents in the gentle rain of the morning and walked a little up the river, relieving ourselves at the top of the field. Even though it was damp and grey our hearts were filled with joy and we ran back to the car laughing and playing. This whole trip has been one big laugh so far.

We drove off through more windy mountain roads, past lakes and moors until we made major freeway and hop skipped out of Wales and back into England. Zoomed past more suburban sprawl and industrial wasteland till we made our exit. I was counting them down eagerly – Bronwyn reading the history of settlers in Britain – the surprise on her face when she looked up and I said it’s nearly time to leave the motorway!

Onwards and upwards we flew, weather still grey and wet but we gradually could make out figures of mountains in the distance. We came up to Lake Windermere and made the mistake of driving into the town. As it was Easter Sunday it was very busy. As we got down to the lake it was so grey there wasn’t really much to see so we, tired by now, thought about heading up towards Keswick.

We turned off up a road to a youth hostel to check it out but the guy in there was really miserable so we gave it a miss. We’d rather sleep in a wet tent than with someone begrudgingly putting us up. Well we drove on, balanced on roads with hundred foot drops to the side and stonewalls on the other, twisty, turny, up and over, round and across, until a long, long descent through a beautiful valley, still scenic despite the misty low-level cloud (it was probably high level – at one point we could see ourselves entering the clouds at one peak top).

Along more we drove into the picturesque village of Patterdale, shrouded by mountain ranges on every side. We stopped in the next village of Glenridding and looked for a B&B. Glenridding is right at one end of Ullswater (us not quite knowing how huge this lake was). Rain is pouring more steadily here and the wind was icy cold blowing down from snow topped Helvellyn and its icy brothers and sisters. No luck at the B&Bs so followed the sign up to a campsite. This site set on a farm with a river leading into Ullswater. We kind of grudgingly decided to stay here and we put the tent and left it to see if it would actually stop water coming in – we were quite prepared to sleep in the car this stage.

We set the tent up on a flat right next to the river – it was raging and roaring past, deafening and drowning out any other sound and it was only a small river no less than 6 foot wide in some places. We paid the chatty landowner – her thinking we were all brave and mad. We strolled upstream a way but soon returned hungry. Our tent still dry housed us as we cooked up soup and shared a beer. We packed up again and sat in the car as a hailstorm hit. The car was looking like our best option to sleep at this time.

Well, Broni went and tried to shower – stood naked waiting for hot water that didn’t arrive. Armpits clean she came back the a-shivering and we decided best course was the pub. The roaring fire warmed our cockles and revived our spirits and then to the hikers bar – a one room stonewall building that, would you believe, actually had Budweiser on draft! We played cards till tiredness took us and drove the 400 yards back to site.

Still raining I ran back and forth with drunken enthusiasm from our car to our still dry tent. Absolutely zonked we fell asleep worrying about flash floods, me with ears ringing with the deafening sound of water crashing by just precious feet away. Tucked up against my baby, rain still a-pouring, hail for all we knew. Sleepy sleep and mad dreams.

Wakey-wakey again and I spy snow outside our tent but we were so toasty warm and dry inside. We snuggled up bleary eyed and not wanting to face the weather. There was no wind and no sound of rain and I opened up the tent and looked out across a mountain whose top was not visible day before. Soon stirred, bright and bushy tailed, we packed up the tent in two minutes flat and packed it into the car – seconds before a ferocious downpour of hail, turning to snow and all melting away soon after landing.

We figured on doing the walk round Ullswater this morning but trembled at the prospects, looking up into sky, white with snow and hail. Took an age to get Broni out of the car and as she did, the hail stopped and we set off. Just yards further down the road sun spilled out over the mountaintops in the distance. We booked a B&B for that night and set off out of the village down by the road around the edge of Ullswater. As we did that, dark clouds disappeared and a beautiful azure sky made perfect silhouettes of the mountains and we stood in awe at this beautiful country.

We filled up our hearts and souls stood in the centre of this valley by a river, sunlight streaming forth and all the peaks visible with their snowy tops. The refreshing wind spurred us on in our walk and we trekked alongside the water. We decided to leave the trail in favour of a higher one and glad we did, as we saw some of the most beautiful sights ever, crossing spring waters trickling down across stone paths of old, up across marsh to a plateau of unparalleled beauty, two deer prancing across after careful study of our plastic covered bodies. This would have been a place to build a house – a sheltered plateau overlooking the mountains and lakes. Wow! And double wow!

We made our way back to the path down through more water and across slippery rocks– my new boots serving me well. On round the lake – not sure where we were. Up and over, walking, walking on and down past sheep a-wondering what we’re doing. Past waterfalls and streams and rivers, past people walking in other direction – not knowing what’s in store for them – kids in tow and all! Eventually reached Howtown and the pier for the steamer (diesel driven!) me skimming stones on the water – some 3 1/2 hours after we started. Like Bronwyn says about walking – you get time and space to think – not like the rush of humdrum life.

Got on the ferry sat up front windchill -1,000,000°! Bought hot chocolate – blown into my face but sat it out upfront with freezing fingers and looked across to where we’d walked this morning gone. Hail in the distance surprised us not but missed us we landed and ran up the road excited and laughing once again – our bodies alive with energy. We got the car and went to the B&B and warmed ourselves in our room – hanging out wet ten,t fly sheet and other wet clothes. Shower next and sweet hot water cleansing us of five days of sweat and dirt. Passion took over and quickly dispensed, dried and wrapped up in layers of cloth, loving each other deeply for our pleasures together, in body and spirit.

Drove to Keswick and checked out good shops. Bought a sleeping bag for anticipated sojourns into cold country in future (£90 pounds the less wealthy– but still happy) and an Indian restaurant and full meal for a change and we couldn’t stuff it all in but loved it, loved at all.

Back to Ullswater and B&B, our one-day home, to write this, ’til phone calls made and pub came beckoning and Budweiser on draft then back once again to sweet home rest, warmth and comfort overlooking lake and mountains, we eagerly await in the morning. Now though sleep beckons and we’ll dream good dreams that purge our old lost memories and welcome in these new.

By © The British Library Board, Public Domain,
https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=19788305

Hello my friend, are you visible today? – 2nd April 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

How much excitement can one boy take! Here’s the news.

Wednesday night I went to get out a video and saw someone get run over in the road. Crowd round, directing traffic in the hazy rain. No one seemed too panicky so I guess it wasn’t fatal. I got out the video ‘Dennis’ but we failed to watch it, favouring ‘Absolutely’ instead. Me, Broni and John sat in the kitchen sculling wine for a good half an hour chatting the time away about all sorts of stuff – it was really enjoyable. John is much more amenable than Simon and in some ways we’re glad Simon is leaving soon. We fell asleep later, happy and contented – Bronwyn looking forward to having the following day off.

Next day work called me at its usual unsociable hour. I left Broni happy in bed to watch the video from last night. My day was very dull and I couldn’t wait to get home and set off on our holiday. Bronwyn spent most of the day packing and buying food, fitting in a quick trip to the gym where she told me she laughed her head off as all the other people sweated away, she was taking it easy and chatting with Kerry. Got a lift back with an irate van driver notorious for his bad moods. He’s a funny (weird!) guy. Really down on himself and thinks everything is out to get him.

Anyway, on the radio in the van I heard of seven mile tailbacks at the Severn Bridge. Just the route we were taking, so I ambled in and said there’s no hurry and somehow this didn’t worry Broni – things not being totally ready despite her good efforts. We ate and ran around like chickens and hit the road at god knows what time.

Broni drove first and the weather was awful. At one stage a truck blasted us with water completely blocking our forward view on a bend. For a brief moment our hearts stopped before we made out the white lines of the road in the darkness. There were several places that were totally waterlogged and impossible to see on the road so we’d drive into them and shit ourselves.

We are running late but made the bridge tailback free where the wind was whipping the water off the road at high-speed. We eventually saw Newport. Eight lights, night sky shining and warmth and comfort with our old pal Simon. We drank tea and coffee till Anne came home from babysitting. Then we cracked open some Hungarian Wine Simon acquired last trip European record fair. 50 pence a bottle – £2.50 over here! We chatted incessantly and by the end of the third bottle it was decided bed was in order. It was nearly 3 o’clock! Simon had to be up at five thirty too! We spent another 15 minutes pumping up an air bed which was fun and ensure us a good few hours sleep. Broni said in the morning I spent the whole night wrapped around her. What other place would I ever wish to be? We got up at about nine and watched two year-old Elliott laughing and giggling at the Rosie and Jim video. He’s a real cutie. 10-year-old Ellen a pretty girl too.

After a couple of coffees and hot cross buns (it is Easter you know!) we got back in the tin can on wheels and made for the freeway. We drove through industrial nightmare cities making me realise how unindustrial Poole is compared with some places. I wondered if there was any nice places in Wales when we were here not knowing of what was to come. We drove on through wide country roads whizzing through 10 house villages heading for the end of land. When we found it we were in awe. We came up a rise and at the top, all of a sudden, was the grey sea crashing violently up to a huge pebble beach, the road running right next to it.

We drove down and stopped in a carpark protected from the sea by this huge wall of pebbles that was the beach. Some of the pebbles were is big as rocks. We got changed in the car and began a day that saw us laughing constantly. We ran up the beach (as best we could), me falling over and playing around. I rolled down the other side of the wall of pebbles and we went up to the waters edge. It was an amazing sight of huge crashing waves – some in the distance smashing against rocks reaching massive heights. The wind was really charged, furious off the ocean and into our faces.We set back off in the search of campsites and comfort!

The scenery here became more stunning as we passed through a village set in a valley carved out by some small river making its way to the sea. The houses perched up the sides of the valley and fishing boats set in the mud at the low tide. Onwards til we came round the bay we had seen from the pebble Beach (Newgale) and were able to look back on it. We found the camp at a place called St Davids and happily set up our tent, laughing our heads off all the while. We walked into the small town – which actually is Britain’s smallest city – it has an old beautiful ruined cathedral and a later one which looked as if it would be ruined soon!

We went into a camping shop to buy some fuel for our oven and came out not only with that but boots for me and a hat too! Then we bought some rations and looked around the city (I’ve seen bigger villages!). I got a coffee and bought a kite. We laughed our way back to the tent, dumped some stuff and took our kite in search of the beach. We trekked the long walkway and down a steep slope onto a paradisical beach.

The cliffs were multishaped and multicoloured and the wind disappeared in this gully (well, a bit anyway). I went and touched the pink rocks to charge myself with earth energy. I made an attempt to put the kite together but very black clouds over the horizon swept quickly over the blue sky – we thought it best to run. We could see rain in the distance and it looked very ominous.

By the time we got back to the tent it seemed to have passed and more sun was on its way so we cracked open beers and sat on the back of the car admiring a beautiful view of the bay. We munched on crisps and drink more wine in the car until it got dark, watching the few lights there were come on gradually. We were feeling very drunk by this time but decided to go into the bar. It was tiny, with two beers on draft and four bottles of spirits! They had a pool table though which we messed around on falling over drunk occasionally. We got really steamed in here and had to go to sleep so we made it the few yards back to our tent, stumbling and being blown by a ferocious wind.

We got to the tent, Bronwyn went inside but I was outside and I noticed a peculiar deep in the tent and saw at my feet several polls on the ground! On closer inspection it looked as if the pins had blown off and we were fucked! They did however bang back into the poles and we drunkenly reconstructed our tent in that midnight darkness!

Sleep came easy – except I had to piss sometime during the night. The sky was a vivid black-and-white with the moon trapped behind a cloud – it looked like a black sun and the end of the world. The lighthouse flashed in the distance. I felt wide-awake but then fell back to sleep instantly.

We get up and packed up and went in search of more fun and beautiful sites. We head up the coast road stopping to eat at a place called Newquay where are we boiled up some water for a Pot Noodle as we looked out across its bay and down on the lobster pots and dogs running along the beach.

Further and further up the coast until into our sight came huge mountains that took our breath away. We drove through the valleys, stunned by the scenery. We passed by lakes and flatlands and on into Porthmadog, across the toll road which also carried the Ffestiniog Railway.

The sun was shining down brighter across the ranges and ranges of mountains, some snowcapped in the distance. We took the shortest, cheapest journey on the train and as we sat waiting a sudden gathering of black clouds turned into a tremendous hailstorm. The views had also disappeared. The train took us about 1 1/2 miles miles away and we missed the return train by seconds and rather than wait 50 minutes we opted to walk back. As we did the sun came out again cheering us up immensely. We saw a little lamb looking lost in a field bleating for its mother’s breast and security. We got down to the toll on the road and the only way to walk over was next to the train tracks. The views were unreal, so beautiful – we felt so in love with each other and with what we were doing. I could see cars on the one mountaintop so I said we should go up there and look back on ourselves.

So we found some old single track roads and headed up steep 1 in 6 slopes. The road was just tarmac laid on the marshy field – no walls no hedges fences and I’m not joking when they say it was a single track road! To top it off another tremendous hailstorm bucketed down around us. We seemed to just go up and up and up and I was wondering if we were lost! After about 20 minutes we started to descend again – down tiny twisty bends in first gear and brakes. Then we came to a gate and thought ‘oh my god we’re going to have to go back! Relief struck us when the sign just said ‘please shut the gate’! Then down, down to relief of the sight of the main road.

We wanted to get near Snowdon and found a campsite close by but I didn’t really have a good feeling about it so we drove on and found another on the beautiful flat land surrounded by mountains in all directions

We got a beautiful spot by the river just before it got dark and thrilled at the sound of the water tumbling past we fell asleep very early, after ravioli, catching up on lost hours awake! The wind had died down and the stillness saw us to sleep and awake again in the morning. At the moment we’re looking out of our tent across the flats and it’s just started raining on us for the first time so far – despite everyone thinking we were mad for camping. The river is on our left, tumbling down. Mountains bleak against the grey sky. Still warm and homely in our tent. Soon time to pack and be on our way. We’ll miss this place like we missed the site at St Davids. It’s very beautiful and we’re having the time of our lives. How much excitement can we take?

Work, work, work away the days of your life – 29th March 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Simon and Mary’s mum and brother are here hanging around the house. It’s like being in an Irish family house! It’s kind of homely. We just come back from Kerry’s. We watched ‘In the Line of Fire’ – a film with Clint Eastwood. It was cool and even Broni (Clint hater) enjoyed it. Now at home and it’s time for bed already. Short day but kinda fun. Work sucked though! Back two days and hating it already – can’t wait to leave.

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike – 29th March 1994

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Sunday – lazy day – with the one hour lost we didn’t really wake up until midday. We bummed around the house til we made a decision (!) to go bike riding.

The weather wasn’t as nice as yesterday but was okay. Quite cold to start on our bikes but we put our hoods up and braved it. We headed for the Branksome Chine woods and threaded our way down to the beach through beautiful trees and paths. It was bitterly cold at the beach but we cycled along to one of the other chines and up that. Our first real leg tester! As we came up to the top of the hill it became warmer and we made our way home through lots of backstreets and woods, passing by some of the biggest houses we’ve ever seen. We had stiff limbs and sore bums after our first bike ride of the year!

Hurray for random images found on the internet.

Time seemed to run on fairly quickly and before we knew it the evening was upon us. It was brilliant that it didn’t get dark until about 7.15pm. Everyone was in a good mood. Broni even washed the floor, now looking shiny and new.

We watched a video about the Australian rainforest (Lamington National Park) where Bronwyn has been! It looks beautiful and we thought we may have our honeymoon there. We curled up into bed late and fell asleep quickly. Our love to keep us warm.

Happy birthday Rob!

Monday morning caught up with us and we wandered our merry ways to work. Coming home was the best thing. Broni’s eyes lit up when she saw me and she dragged me upstairs and devoured me sensually.

We went and got our passport photos done for our visas. Then I dropped my sweetheart at Kerry’s as she was going out to a meal with her and a friend. This left me with a few hours alone so I carried on writing up my story which is coming along well I think.

Broni came home happy and cheerful. We finished our visa forms which really stressed us out – by now it was time to sleep. We slept magically! Hey, you know Broni actually sang in her sleep yesterday night! Weird!

Forever and ever, along for the ride – 27th March 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Ah, the feelings of love flow like electricity when we are in union. Be it physically or spiritually or mentally. It’s great to experience these emotions. She really is a soulmate partner.

Yesterday after protein refuelling we lazily escaped our luxurious confinement and got in the old tin box work van, petrol paid, and merrily made our way up the old well trodden road. How many times had I made this journey now? Who knows? But most of the journey’s have been worthwhile. We turned on the radio and sang all songs we knew. Our mad day was beginning to catch up with my baby and by the time we got there I could tell she was a bit reticent about going to this gig tonight.

I thought we could go elsewhere as I’d never heard the band either (The Wizards of Twiddly). We phoned up Rob and arrange to go pick him up. When we got there we both immediately picked up the acoustic guitars Rob had laying around and showed him our hopeless talents!

Well, we hightailed it back down the roadways to that ever friendly pub the Joiners. The band went on fairly soon and really knocked our socks off. Their moniker really describes their music. Bizarre twists and styles had us in superlatives after their first set. We came up with comparisons like Zappa, Tar Babies, Cardiacs but they had their own style and flair. We bought everything they had for sale! After the second set we were fairly stunned stupid. Such a great band.

We made a vague attempt to get into the Crown and Sceptre but couldn’t get past the gorilla and his girlfriend on the door. This didn’t dampen our spirits though and we went back to Rob’s and played guitars, drank tea and coffee and heard the final tape for the Thirst 7″.

Along the way back home we lost an hour as the clocks went forward so we didn’t actually touchdown home till 2.45am! Needless to say Bronwyn slept on the way home, sweetly tucked onto my shoulder. She even slept as she walked from the van to the house! Bottom lip nearly on the ground but smiling when I laughed. I stayed up and chatted with John and drank coffee before slipping quietly into bed, half three-ish.

With no time and no space and no schedule and no place
And we pass right through it without a trace
And sometimes that music drifts through my car
On a spring night when anything is possible
And I close my eyes and I nod my head
And I wonder how you’ve been and I count to a hundred and ten
Because you’ll always be my hero, even if I never see you again

– The Dismemberment Plan

Let’s get physical, let me hear your body talk – 26th March 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The sun streaming in uncurtained windows, we woke wrapped in each other. Warm and cosy like teddy bears. My usual morning passions stirred I proceeded to kiss my sweetheart all over her soft skin until it had the desired effect and she began to return kisses gently. Our lips met and sparks ignited our passions until our frenzy was spent! Half an hour later we repeated the performance. We later went to town and I got my haircut (quite severely) and bought some expensive chocolate. We came home and once again repeated our performance like it was the end of the world tomorrow. She has also been knitting a new cardigan when I gave her the chance and it looks like it’s going to be a work of art. She doesn’t do things by halves that’s for sure. We went out to the park with John and played for an hour with the rugby ball. I wanted to carry on but they’d had enough. Work hard play hard I say! On our return she returned to her knitting but I soon interrupted with the promise of fulfilment. We undressed and I licked her body into a frenzy and orgasm before entering her from behind until I too reached my climax. It’s been one of those physical kind of days and her body is my shrine to worship.

Your thoughts are chosen, your world is advertising now – 25th March 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Here you are again dear reader.  I’m currently sat here in the van waiting for my physio appointment.  Some old man politely hassling me about how long I’m going to be parked here cos he wants to put his car here.

Had a weird dream last night that involved a known paedophile and bestial man who I saw running naked down a street chasing a pig.  I was with a bunch of youngsters (11 to 12-year-olds) and to show them that this man was wrong I beat him the ground and pissed all over him!  Knowing he’d be mad at me I ran to the next town and went to where I lived (?) with Martin B(!) on a houseboat(!!!).  The man had got there already and had stolen Martin’s dog!  Jeez, what does all that mean I wonder?

Me and my baby are often in dispute these days and I wonder what it is that’s changed.  We are both of strong character but very forgiving so most arguments are laid to rest quickly but what is it that creates them?  Is it being together every night?  Is it how I am busy in the evenings and Broni just wants to relax?  I can’t help busying myself, it’s the only time I get to do things that I like (ie reading, writing etc).  I know these things are mostly to do on my own and in some ways that’s not fair but I do also take time and trouble to make Bronwyn happy.  It is difficult living with someone even if you are as madly in love with each other as we are. 

I wonder if things were any easier a hundred years ago when the men ruled the roost?  I honestly don’t think I could do that in this day and age, though it seems plenty of people still do.  I’m increasingly appalled by man’s treatment of women.  Why is there a page three girl?  Why so many (any) pornographic magazines?  Women blatantly used to sell everything.  Where in the world can I go to get away from it?  Where do people live in some sort of harmony?  With respect?

Sometimes I feel myself falling into these traps because they are ever present, bombarded at you from every media angle.  What future for our children?  So many decisions are made by few people who believe they know what’s best for the majority.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about Rich and how it’d be nice if he loosened up a bit!  He and Rob have their fair share of arguments I understand, and they live together.  Rich tells me some of the tales but I must confess to not being very sympathetic.  He’s on holiday in Europe right now so maybe that’ll relax him up a bit. 

Mostly the other things on my mind involve Australia.  Everyone’s wishing me luck for when I go. (Hey, I caught up with Little Crabby in Safeways and heard the latest gossip!  His parents got divorced!  Wow!  Murray’s still the same and Jasper’s a pothead!  Double wow!  I remember he wouldn’t touch that stuff when I had it!).  I can’t wait to get to Australia – I think it’s going to be a great adventure and a turning point in my life.

I heard someone talking about their destiny the other day and whether they put their success down to luck but he said it was just about making choices and he was positive in his thinking and therefore made the right choices.  This is the way I will be and I know I’m making the right choice in going to Australia.  I know that this country has little to offer me unless I want to work my ass off for the next 50 years (dying in the next 10 from stomach ulcers).

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I’m in search of that harmonious world, not expecting to find but just happy searching.

I want to mention that Kerry has given up drinking and has slimmed down considerably over the last four weeks.  I mention this on looking back at previous entries when she was drunk!  Just wanted to put that straight.

The ice of Boston is muddy – 23rd March 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hey you – what you looking at!  Took my sweetheart some flowers yesterday and left them at work for her to discover today – romantic old thing that I am!  It was hard to keep the secret but it brought several smiles to my face throughout.

Broni had a bad day yesterday so we got drunk to celebrate, Kerry being our taxi.

Several other minor incidents probably occurred but wrist will hurt if I tell in more detail.  So stop looking in here and get your own life!

I sit there in my easy chair, looking at the clouds, orange with celebration
And I wonder if you’re out there

The Dismemberment Plan

We’ve said things you wouldn’t believe – 21st March 1994

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Back to handwriting again for a while – just to see how things go!  Well, lots has occurred once again in the last ten days and too much for me to describe in detail but briefly.

Me and Bronwyn babysat for Chrissy while she went skiing (practising for her trip to America).  I went back to work, though just driving for now and I’ve been continuing with physio.

We’ve had a few frank discussions this week as we’ve both been a bit pissed off with each other at times though I’m confident now that we can sort them out.

We went to see Schindler’s List with Kerry.  What a brutal movie that is.  Went after to a beautiful Thai restaurant.

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Yesterday we went to Southampton and recorded the poem ‘Friend’ for Thirst’s 7″.

I’m here now writing this and chasing monster fleas around the room.  They are huge!  More details as they happen.

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No one gave us the answer to the big question – 10th March 1994

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Jeez, it’s a strange and wondrous world.  What more can happen to a man in the mere space of one week?  Now seven days since last entry and I told of possibilities of fatherhood!  Well! 

In chronological order, Broni was into the forty days and I’d decided this was it so we came up with all sorts of wonderfully colourful names such as Moonbeast Bumflap Snot Nose but settled with Bubka Blue, Bubka being a member of that great band Deep Turtle, though I thought we’d better find out if the name Bubka had a meaning (like it could mean ‘man who milks cows’, not much of a name for a girl!)

Broni was in particularly nasty moods and I acted with little patience on occasion but how easy I forget.  Her cousin Piers was traversing cross country in search of garments for his trip to Pakistan though he had no luck!  He popped in for an overnight stay and we took him to the Piccolo Mondo for our favourite pizza and then to the movies.

While in the bar pre-hand Broni took off to the toilets and I chatted with Piers about jazz music – his forte!  At last, someone who could advise me on jazz.  When Broni came back we headed towards celluloid screens and she told me she’d started bleeding. Hmm.

We watched the film, Mrs Doubtfire, utter crap American trash, unconvincing performances and story with dubious moral ending (what bollocks thought I) and set off home where I talked to Piers with Broni quiet and pondering.  Piers went out to pick up his sleeping kit from his car and me and my baby had a misunderstanding which led to tears.  She told me this could be her period or worse still, a miscarriage.  I had neglected her in favour of looking after our guest and did feel upset.  She retired as I put Piers to bed with some John Zorn which I don’t think he was too keen on!

When I eventually came upstairs I found Bronwyn in tears and we comforted each other but I could not stem the flow and I had to let go too feeling the unbelievable sadness emanating from her soul.  But I felt that this wasn’t a miscarriage and that she was late due to stress at work and from moving house. On the Monday we went to the doctor who indicated that this was more likely.  I hope so too.  I’m comforted in the fact that I could be prepared for the birth and raising of my children someday (soon).

On the Monday afternoon, we watched a great movie called Fried Green Tomatoes which I must confess brought a tear to my eye (and many to Broni’s).  Tuesday, Broni dropped me in Poole on her way to work in Swanage, (with renewed ideas about causing herself less stress – how many times have I told her to cut down on her workload!) where I waited for the library to open.

With horrible coffee and sandwich I watched the world on its way to work and when in library looked at every single book before settling down to read the first part of Vanity of Doulouz (Kerouac again, friends!), what a great story it was too, dealing with his teenage years and commenting, even back then, on the horrendous advancement of car and it’s associated industry, plus noticing how people seem to saunter everywhere in no particular hurry (ie on their way to the car).  It was like the car had transformed everyone into strangely different people without them knowing and just accepting it.  There is much debate these days on the future of transport and despite cars doubling on the roads every few years, it looks to be a wasted industry.  How I wish we could do away with them.  I have been walking to and from Poole all week and it is such a good feeling but then I have the time at the moment.  Most normal days I would not, such a trap.

Well, after that I went to the physio at the hospital, a nice young lady, name of Kate, who prodded by bones, pulled and twisted, unsure of my problem.  I sat seven minutes on a machine that buzzed electricity into me, supposedly to confuse my brain that there was no pain there.  However, that afternoon was the most painful it had been!

Evening passed quiet but I had a fitful sleep complaining of stomach ache and sure enough, I puked up a mouthful in the morning after Broni went to work.  I went back to sleep and was awoke by Broni’s phone call at around 10.  Straight after I puked up the rest of last night’s tea, grape skins and all!  Feeling better I went back to bed and was next awake at twenty to two!  I watched a Jacke Chan movie with John and went back to bed again so tired was I.

Broni cared for me the rest of the evening and we soon fell asleep.  Long gone are the days of wakeness til two in the morning playing with each other under silky sheets, we work so hard and relax little at this stage but I’m eager to tidy things up here for a big relax in Oz when I get there.  I hope my baby can stand it.

And finally, today, Broni once again dropped me into Poole after the most ridiculous argument we had about slices of bread!  I have to tell you, dear reader, here and now I talk of arguments often but our life together is not so, we live in bliss and in love and our affection grows stronger every day.  Each argument is a lesson – but sometimes us pupils are unwilling to learn.

In the book I’m reading, Bukowski tells he enjoys a women’s company at first but soon finds her eccentricities annoying and becomes tired of her but he has little hope of lasting relationships and is unable to deal with problems rationally.  We know we can and our real care for each other will overcome any problems that may arise, never once have I considered walking away from the beautiful woman with whom I now share my life, not for anyone else, not for anything else, what possible reason could there be?

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I waited around Poole before my physio appointment drinking that shitty coffee again, this time reading Neal Cassady’s autobiography, more good reading.  Physio advised I may have a problem in one joint which leads to all the other problems so sent me to pick up a brace from upstairs.  On my way out I met long ago buddy Jeremy, whose pictures me and Broni were looking at only last week!  Last time I saw him was about five years ago and I didn’t really want to talk to him and I felt a bit uncomfortable today.  I told him of my plans but he didn’t seem particularly interested so I let him talk about himself.  He’s been married and divorced after three months, has a child with Vanessa H (from old school days even I remember, short blonde hair) but is living with another girl from Colehill who he was with, arm a-bandaged.  And his story depressed me for we were such good friends and now he seems to have a madness that seems to affect so many people. He told of fights and people coming to his house with baseball bats (this is how her arm was broke!) in search of his blood!  Surely this is madness?  Or mere childishness and oneupmanship. “I’m better than you”.

I feel like I have grown up but not grown old, these people seem to want to recreate their past unhappiness from childhood or teenage years, are they doomed, will they ever see their glory?  Life is so rich and varied, yet it is easy to get bogged down in it all.  I hope one day to look back on these words and be happy that I got myself out of that bog and stayed out of it!

Jeremy still spoke with the humour of old and I liked that but I think he lost his way with women somewhere, showing none of them much respect that I could see.  I wonder if he felt self-conscious telling me all this?  I think maybe when we were friends he looked up to me and often took my advice on things and telling me all this he could sense my disapproval?  It was a strange encounter and to be honest I’d prefer not to meet him again.  When I talk about the madness, I wonder what it is that gets into people.  Everyone seems to bitter and resentful.  Jeremy’s smiles were unconvincing of happiness.  Old Mark B has the same madness, aimless in life and hateful towards women and often others, for no reason what so ever.  Don’t they understand that respect has to be earned, both ways?  Maybe their lives would be happier with that kind of knowledge but with increasing age seems to come a closing of mind.  Fatty I think too, is affected by it.  Maybe I’m resented for being optimistic and hopeful for my future, I wish (I really do) that everyone could too.

Well, all this thought got put on paper, I’m glad.  Now I think I’ll walk out somewhere and write some poetry, it is a beautiful sunny day and my mind is alive once again with a million zillion thoughts.