This picture tells a story But is that story true? Is that picture of you Really a picture of you? Even a full life video Is only a capture of sorts No one can mine the depths Of all your tiny thoughts Be wary of judgements On yourself and others too A picture is not a story It’s just a picture of you
Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
John Wooden
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to inspire myself to get up early and walk and should be able to form a good habit from it.
29th August 2023 – I did form a habit of exercising rather than walking. Walking is all well and good but some summer days make it hot even at 6 a.m. and then the rainy season can be unbelievably wet and winter cold. And as I’m writing this I know they are just excuses but at least exercise counters all my excuses and can be completed indoors in aircon if necessary.
Stuck in a bubble of Twitter chatter Angry at things that hardly matter Guard against drama and distraction Uninvited guests don’t need a reaction
It’s sometimes said that life is a precious gift but I wonder if that’s the best metaphor. Is it better to understand one’s life as a loan? A loan that can be called in at any time, sometimes with no warning at all.
David Loy
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that today the sun has picked up my spirit slightly after the grey old day yesterday. The cold and rain was nice but give me sunshine any day.
Accidents In Too Large Field – New Buildings
I knew this was going to be a challenging listen. Accidents In Too Large Field are a Japanese band and this release is on Less Than TV, run by Yukari’s (Limited Express (has gone?)) husband, Taniguchi, and this disc is one of a handful I received from them after sending them some money and telling them to send me whatever they thought I might like. Everything they sent was interesting but I also remembered that none of them was music that could just be put on in the background and you could do other things. They demanded attention.
A week or two ago I had a listen-through and my recollections were correct. The difficulty with this music is that the guitar is incredibly clean and trebly. As with Limited Express (has gone?) they were self-defined as ‘new rock’, taking post-punk rhythms, punk rock energy and that clean guitar sound and meshing them together in what can be imagined to be a highly entertaining live show if you were ever lucky enough to see them.
Sometimes it’s difficult to catch the threads of the song, to make sense of the melodies and the relentless assault on the ears has to be penetrated deeply with attention. That listen-through was enjoyable. Trying but enjoyable. This is actually the kind of music I like a lot. Right up my proverbial.
So, the sun’s back out and the rain probably won’t be back for three months. Let’s give this a blast.
Introduction
Sounds like a crowded market, overblown and forcing me to turn the volume down immediately. Hints of a tribal rhythm develop and promise. Adjusts made to bass and treble settings. It’s got a nice rhythm that recalls Big A little a.
Pigeon at Belvedere
So, the rhythm maintains into this first tune for real. The guitar squall is intense, with a funk of the Pop Group. It’s dance music for folks who cannot dance, like me. It feels like the guitar is used as rhythm rather than a tune, the bass seems to carry that along. Even more intensity as the song proceeds and disintegrates into a kinda prog breakdown and disappears into a fuzzed-out echo delay.
ノンフィクション落下
A twisted ska guitar, backed by bass and drums all seemingly playing in different time signatures. I think this is why I like this kind of music. Things that shouldn’t make sense, making sense (at least in my nonsensical mind). The bridge twists the song into some normality for a moment. The heavily affected vocals give way to some wild piano bashing as the drums go off into punk jazz spasms.
Diagonal
The barrage is constant. Sharp guitar, funky bass, tribal beat, screaming vocals. This requires study, would be intense in a live situation. Diagonal struggles to stay still, twitching from riff to riff, some Agata-style skronk over-riding the funk. A favourite so far.
Stair
The screaming pace picks up at the start of this track before settling back down into a frantic funk. The guitar and bass are highlighted and clear whilst the drums tend to be spread across the sonic spectrum. When they finally reappear the vocals are buried and operate almost as pure sound. And then an abrupt implosion finishes everything off. Excellent funking funk.
Beat Freezing
Some dynamics break up the relentlessness through this short track. A different vocal style, a monotone, doubled. A sweet guitar plinks through the second half before crazy to a quick finale. So short I have to listen again to comment.
イエストゼロ
Fuck, this intro is magnificent. Super fast delicious bass, deep and melty. The drop breaks things up nicely without slowing down any momentum. The bass tone is incredible, reminding me of Germany’s Megakronkel. Actually, this is a way more intense version of them, perhaps with a little less tempo variety. I guess there’s also some comparison with compatriots Melt Banana but purely in the guitar and bass tones and interactions. Their songs are only similar in speed, brevity and intensity.
August Out
Static, wild soloing chainsaw guitar, rumbling bass, ear-splitting, brain-melting. I’m glad I’m not listening on headphones. There are probably some nice stereo effects happening if you choose to attempt a headphone listen. This makes me realise I don’t own any decent headphones these days. This feels like the wind-down final track. Plodding yet still relentless. This would be ideally placed at the end of side one on a vinyl release but also makes sense on this relatively short CD. The instruments give up and give way to the noise and finally, ear-ringing silence.
I’m glad to have given this a couple of listens and let it earworm somewhat into my headbone though there are no real hummable tunes here. This is more likely to make its way back to my CD player than previously. Stellar, killer and other ars and ers. I feel cleansed and renewed though perhaps in need of a more gentle ear massage. Maybe some Nick Drake. What a way to work towards a Sunday afternoon.
Yesterday’s rain kept temperatures beautifully bearable today and a podcast-listening walk to and from Utopia got me quickly to 9.30 and a thoroughly pleasant day of reading, writing and watching got me to sundown to enjoy more music, a softness in the air, no air con since Friday night feels like an achievement. I would definitely receive an achievement award if my life was an app. Am I some ‘other’s’ sim in their game of life?
Is boredom a quirk of youth? I feel like I haven’t been bored in years now, though I’m sure, looking back, I could find instances; though (to go even deeper) those times of boredom were probably just anxiety. Boredom is a great and annoying inspiration in youth. A bored group of kids will not be bored for long. ‘Why did you do it, son?’, ‘cos I wuz bored, officer.’
Despite this holiday, I was compelled to go off investigating new classwork ideas for next semester. The Xbox beckons but somehow that feels like wasting time. The next step of the technological entertainment systems should provide real-world learning in the guise of games. In games now, all you really learn is the game. At the end of it, you can just say, ‘I’m good at that game’; you don’t come out the other side thinking, ‘now I know how to be a better human.’ Work out a way to combine real-world skills in some engrossing entertainment, as opposed to just having fun for the sake of it.
Power exists in concentrated forms A small group will always control the norms The real directors behind the curtain Your loyalty demanded true and certain
You must serve your master with the purse Even though this way things turn out worse Diplomacy gives your masters the glory Your name erased from the final story
I don’t have to have an opinion about this. I can just let it be, I can ignore it, I can realise it doesn’t pertain to me, or I can just see it as it is… It doesn’t need me projecting my thoughts or beliefs or perceptions on it.
Ryan Holiday
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to receive my pay cheque yesterday and get to the bank in time. I hope the money clears quickly.
It’s hard to tell what time it is today. The sky, a dull mixture of greys. Woke up ok after only six and a half hours and not feeling like it was 7am. It was cold, or just cool that feels cold to me now. An overnight rain had stopped but left its torpor on the morning.
After cat feeding and readying myself to walk to Utopia, the rain returned, so I grabbed an umbrella and walked off the cold, still in t-shirt and shorts. The rain is cold, constant but not heavy, descending from the high mountain air. Too cold to be pleasurable, not like beach rain or Aussie rain; reminds me of Blighty but this rain lacks the bitterness of English precipitation. The colour of today is ideal to find the Death and Resurrection Show documentary about Killing Joke, and I watch it in full with an appropriate and enjoyable two-hour nap break, breaking it up. But it leaves me joyless and, as mentioned, unsure of the time and wondering what to do next and I just feel like sleeping more. It feels like this day doesn’t deserve honouring.
These are days to waste watching sport. It’s a perfect evening for drinking whisky but it’s just weird to think about putting it into my body. I need a beer to kick it off but I would also need some more food around to soak up the alcohol and I don’t have the baht, and any enthusiasm is now fading.
Are you irresponsible in the darkness? Shaded in soft golden neon Does rebellion foment on tarmac curbs? A target found to all agree on
Hidden in plain view The many meld into the cosmic one Mysterious brothers and sisters Measured in memories soon undone
In dream parties revisited Eyes locked for a second brief Know, not knowing Moments of ecstasy or grief
Soft smiles acknowledged A metaphorical tip of the hat Strangers to each other There's nothing better than that
You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t.
David Foster Wallace
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can watch the Swans game later today.
I should get out in the garden and get on top of the weeds in the hedge. Do it like the grass, just a little at a time. Do it properly like the gardeners did the first time we hired them, sure to impress, and then they never did it again.
Waiting for rain. First it was forecast all weekend, then just today, and now just during the night. Maybe it won’t rain at all, though the sky looks like it wants to.
Not only do I realise I am like my mother in that I’m happy to be alone, just as I saw my mother alone for all my growing life, and I can also see that Bronwyn consumes herself in her work and happily keeps herself alone (as far as I can see); I should not worry about Hayden being alone or having few friends. I don’t know who are his close friends, his real friends and I don’t know his interactions with them. But it’s in his blood anyway. When I see myself on video calls, I see a carbon copy of my mother’s face and mannerisms. I don’t know why I don’t like it. Maybe it’s a failed rebellion.
Up at 7 with no place to be, a weekend day made special by it not being the weekend. I have another 30 or so days like this ahead. After cat feeding and some shoulder mobility exercises, I walked to Utopia, enjoyed two coffees and the company of the shop cat Piti as well as a visiting neighbour’s kitten. They tumbled, rolled, chased and darted around, forcing me to look up from the Amy Winehouse biography I’m reading.
After walking back and showering, I settled into the hammock to watch the Swans be outclassed by the Western Bulldogs and after the high of last week’s win, consider the disappointment of this week’s loss. The Swans never look like they are going to win; even when they were Premiers, every game felt like it could all fall apart at any moment of inspired opposition play.
Have since been fiddling around with playing guitar, reading and eating lunch and wondering how I will occupy the evening. I’m down to my last 400 baht and may not have money in the bank for another three days. I think I will drink a beer when I have that balance back in favour.
If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.
Jean Paul Sartre
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that Cap comes and gives me head rubs throughout the day. He’s not a lap cat at all so I’ll take what I can get.
A strange mood today but quite contented at least. Have some struggle with memory and concentration as reading inspires thoughts in many directions, though all leading back to the one place. Me. Concerned I may lose the ability to converse, to communicate. As calm, quiet days wash over me, I have little to report. Will I get lost in my mind? Do we all just thrive on being entertained?
It’s with some relief that today is the last day I have to go to school just to sign in. It is a rigid task that imposes its habit on me and I realise I’m grateful. So, without that stimulus, I must find another focus. 7 am, every day. Get up, exercise, meditate. I must do it for my own health. I should walk too, get out. I will fulfil the desire for a long ride but only once I’m paid.
Struggling through the last dwindling baht of this month’s pay. May not be able until next week, as we suffer the lack of technology, being paid by cheque and receiving clearance on the whim of a bank. Some places we win, others we lose.
I’ve rediscovered, as we do each day, that I’m a country boy. Sure, I love the excitement of the city but I feel absorbed into the peace of nature. Soon (this year, 5 years, 10 years?), I must decide what’s next. Time apart from Amy is manageable but I don’t want it to be forever, at least whilst forever may be avoided. She is still in her honeymoon period and hasn’t had to face any test of her resolve. We form new dreams and make new plans accordingly. She is my other half, my better half.
Hold still, slow down all thoughts Soften eyes and ears A mind racing around all sports Bends on one’s fears
Sit quietly, letting contentment in Soften ears and eyes Craziness begone, deep breathing begin Hear the word of the wise
Don’t be a coward. Have the courage to be afraid.
Günter Anders
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have some smart students who make me laugh a lot and bring me great joy when they want to learn.
Getting out of sync with my habits as I’m trying to push out every spare minute of time in the day but pay in the morning by having to sleep a little more. Annoyed this morning that I was in the middle of an awesome (forgotten) dream which I couldn’t get back to. I did force myself to do a little exercise though and feel better for it. Really have to force myself because it’s too easy to do too much sitting, reading and watching TV.
Once there were rules to the war games A gentleman’s game of death and glory Now our principles attend more barbaric aims And the winners may rewrite the story
No matter what you’ve done up to this point, you better still be a student. If you’re not still learning, you’re already dying.
from Farnam Street blog
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the weird tree/plant that was growing next to our garage. It blew down in the storm last night. It should regrow but will take a couple of years to get as big again.
Another day quickly disappeared. Last night there was a slightly unexpected storm and I discovered this morning it blew down our weird tree thing growing by the garage. It snapped off near the base, so it will probably grow again. I’ll tie it up next time.
The storm left a dampish English grey over today and some temperature relief, though still humid. It feels like the sun never appeared today; a nuclear winter would be torturous for sure. My eyes feel like they are stoned, half open and unable to focus. As I write, the sun glows orange through a gap in the clouds on the horizon, with a few more minutes until it truly disappears. See you tomorrow, buddy. I hope.
Hangry moon rising, tummy rumble thunder Blood sugar doldrums, the thought of going under A credit card expired, what’s there to do? An angel walks forward coming to the rescue Crisis averted, silent applause fills mad hearts Order is restored and the queue soon restarts Grateful is the world for random kindly acts When queueing with the dead – and them’s the facts!
Being a contrarian in the face of bat shit insanity is a good thing.
Caitlin Johnstone
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see the baby cow dancing and playing in the field opposite.
Planned to sign in and go to 22 Grams but got there and they were closed. Picked up a takeaway at House, which was stellar and did a quick shop at Makro before a second coffee at Utopia where I met Didi, the physio students who also worked at House and Utopia. She told me she took a job in Bangkok and leave on Wednesday.
Back home, vacuumed the house, mopped the bathroom, broke the handle of the mop and did a couple of loads of washing. Freaking tired now but waiting for vegies to roast. Maybe take a snooze this afternoon.
*Truth, as terrible as death Yet harder to find* Is there any proof we exist Beyond what’s in our mind? Dark yin and brilliant yang Blind faith in blind fate As good as any other man With enough patience to wait
*from (and inspired by) ‘The Man in The High Castle’ by Philip K Dick
Today, we’re being suffocated by abundance.
Louis Pereira
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to cut the grass in the cooler morning air this morning.
This morning’s wake-up was a struggle but I made it and pushed myself to cut some grass until the petrol ran out. I’m about to go back out again and finish off, now that the sun is on the other side of the sky and due to set in an hour or so.
I didn’t set myself any other tasks and have just been quietly doing this and that, getting things done in the never-ending idea list in my brain.
Amy kept me updated through the night of her Saturday adventures in drinking and dancing, ending up at an Oxford Street gay club and I watched her on video as Runa drove her back to her apartment. And then she is out again today with the girls (May, Muay, and more) and tomorrow again to meet Mam and her kids. Though she isn’t deeply involved with some of these people, I can feel she is happy to meet them in that they have a similar cultural understanding and a concept of the way things are in Sydney. This is something she couldn’t really get with her friends here in Chiang Rai. They don’t understand, or even try to understand, things outside their own cultural context. They want things to be better but don’t know how to work towards it, or are not prepared to put their effort into it.
I’m glad Amy is happy and I hope she stays that way.
Are you too, still searching Looking to bring love to you? All the honey-kissed lips And healing fingertips Those dreams never came true
I struggled and questioned Unsure of each step taken Then I realised One day surprised From my dreams, I am awaken
My search now over And my advice pro bono Trust in your yearning Never stop learning Until you know what you don’t know
Something put that damn U2 song in my head so I started playing with some of its words, and made one up to fit. The limerick was accidental and appropriate.
The only external reality that matters is the misery of the human condition.
John Calder, The Philosophy of Samuel Beckett
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my younger self for at least keeping some diaries. I was never fastidious about it but it’s amazing to look back at what I was doing and thinking.
Today is moving deliciously slowly. I feel very contented. I forced myself up at seven and after feeding the cats put on my trainers and walked up to and around the back of the uni. 10,000 steps all done by 8.30am and I earned myself a blister and a hole in the sock on my left foot.
A couple of Utopia coffees and a few more pages read, I settled in for a fantastic couple of hours watching Sydney beat Geelong and Buddy getting his 1000th goal. Awesome.
Kim came for cuddles and is now lying close by, muscles twitching in her sleep. Talked with Amy a lot. She is very happy after a night out with her new friend Peter (who wishes he was more than a friend but I think Amy can keep him under control). She’s also getting close to her Brazilian roommate, Claudia, who also has a strong independent streak. So she is meeting good people and having a good time.
I am here and quietly contented too. Looking back at old diary entries, it seems to me that this is what I had been looking for, so no wonder I am happy. Of course, Amy and I miss each other and almost everyone she talks to doesn’t understand how we can be apart the way that we are, but it doesn’t really feel that we are that far apart.
I can see that about twenty years ago I was way too wrapped up inside my head and whilst I can still get like that, I have been able to get it under control with much more success recently.
