I’m always changing the people and places just to fill up the empty spaces – 15th December 2019

Don’t set your mind on things you don’t posess as if they were yours, but count the blessings you actually possess and think how much you would desire them if they weren’t already yours.

Marcus Aurelius

What if…

I never met Amy?
Hayden was never born?
I never met Paul and Charlie?
I never saw the Sex Pistols on TV?
I never met the Gaunts Common kids, Rupert, Jeremy, etc?
I never made plans for where I live now?
I never studied anything else after getting my first job?
I never took the chance to travel to China?
I never took the time to study about Asian music?
Hayden had a disability?
I didn’t have my own space?
I hated reading books?
I didn’t enjoy music?
There was no internet?

I have so much in my life to appreciate and I really do!

“You may not sleep again”

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to look forward to ask things in my future. Just as we are now settled and made ourselves a beautiful home the question has been raised about selling and moving to the city. I really really love where I am now but selling this house would give us a huge boost of money that could take all pressure off us having to work all the time. Stay or go – everything is great!

To-do list

  • Read three chapters of Anna Karenina.
  • Sort music files and CDs (ongoing).
  • Upload TCRAH to SoulSeek.
  • 30 squats after waking up.
  • Email to Aaron.
  • Record another TCRAH?
  • Sort more files for TCRAH.
  • Close some Chrome tabs!

Did it list

  • 30 squats.
  • Sorted some music files and CDs.
  • Closed a few Chrome tabs.
  • Dictated and posted 2 blog entries.
  • Had a good time teaching the kids.
  • Went to a craft fair with Amy, Aing, Nu and Gus (enjoyable).
  • Made TCRAH available on Soulseek.

The dearth of new ideas makes us wallow in our shame (The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #16) – 14th December 2019

I’ve been considering what content I can put here as some of my personal thoughts and feelings about this particular place I am now living (and enjoying) could cause me trouble. It’s funny how Thailand is known as the Land of Smiles but often times it feels like the Land of Fake Smiles. Having a couple of years experience here now, I understand these reasons but cannot fully support a positive attitude towards it. This is the balance I am trying to find in my world.

Perhaps that balance has always been there even in the other places I have lived but I haven’t noticed it so much and oftentimes found myself in difficult or at least odd situations. I don’t ‘play the game’ very well still but I’m getting there. If this sounds like generalised waffle, I apologise. I will try to make an orderly composition of my thoughts at some point.

Out of one of the most difficult times I’ve had in Thailand I found myself keen to focus some energy into something personally (and somewhat selfishly) fulfilling. In what little downtime I had when I was pushing myself too hard preparing lessons for my grade 5 English class I would throw my iTunes playlist on shuffle and found myself quite enthralled at the collection of digital music I collected.

The randomness reminded me of those late school nights furtively listening to John Peel’s radio show under the covers, falling asleep as I lay hoping to hear the latest and greatest punk tunes in amongst all the other genres being pioneered. This exposure to many different styles of music laid the groundwork for events many years in the future when I was organising shows for bands in Sydney and subconsciously decided on mix billed being the best way for people to hear new music. Never a way to a successful financial business model, it kept my brain satisfied and able to calmly appreciate music I didn’t particularly enjoy, anticipating music that I would.

So it was that iTunes on shuffle kept popping up a classic tune (classic to me), a dodgy old punk demo, an experimental noise soundscape and a 60s garage rocker, with many things in between. Nothing really modern mainstream though. It’s amazing some of the music from my youth was considered mainstream back then. It shits all over what is mainstream now.

Anyway, digging this vibe I even ended up downloading a bunch of reggae and African music that Peel always used to play – just to try and get that reminiscence in full force. Things I may not listen to as a full recording of suddenly make a lot of sense squished in between things I was more familiar with. I ended up down many paths of discovery of experimental music from around the world – as opposed to ‘world music.’

With need of some distraction, I decided to put together a ‘radio’ show and upload the result to the Mixcloud platform. I mostly take the tracks as they were shuffled through iTunes and do a bit of back announcing. I also decided to play around a little with some of the songs and introduce some moments where I could read a paragraph or two from books from my shelves.

To give this odd mix a little focus I decided to target my audience to the university students at the local uni which is less than a kilometre away from where I am. I roped in a few of my student friends from there and also from my favourite local coffee shop, to do a bit of speaking and to have their pictures taken. So was born The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour and the push for musical world domination.

The tenzenmen music library
Gus, Mink, Nu and Aing – in the music library.

Understanding that my tastes are almost niche beyond niche I would not expect a huge audience for what I’m doing but really that is not the purpose. I do it for myself. I really enjoy putting it together and messing around with things, trying to come up with some new ideas for presentation. I’m contemplating how to do this mix in a live setting and finding a place to do it but I don’t have much time to practice that part as well as not having a completely reliable equipment setup. A new laptop is a little out of reach at the moment.

So, if you’ve read this far you may be curious to hear what these shows sound like? Or scared to find out. Either way, it seems like this is a good vehicle to post links to each show and also force me to write at least once a week as new episodes appear.

“Remember life on earth is but a flash of dawn
And we’re all part of it as the day rolls on”

Music from Ween, Magic Mushroom Band, No Babies, The Ebonettes, goat, Andy Partridge, Acanthus, Banned, Hebosagil, The Yellow Payges, Bad Brains, Daniel Striped Tiger, Martin Archer, Teenage Depression, Mudhoney and Donovan.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I could do so many things yesterday and keep going even though I was so tired by the end of the evening. I kept a good attitude and wasn’t so anxious about things that I wanted to do compared with some things that I had to do.

Did it list

  • Encouraged Fern to learn to make my coffee at Utopia.
  • Got my haircut.
  • Uploaded TCRAH podcast.
  • Recorded new TCRAH podcast.
  • Prepared and executed a quick fun game for my two students today.
  • Got through a little of the never-ending sorting of music, on computer and CDs.
  • Wrote another blog post and enjoyed the process of writing.
  • Got passport photocopies done.
  • Rosie offered to do quick drawings and send them out as postcards. What an awesome idea so I asked her to do Jochen, Lachlan and Kyaw Kyaw.
  • Finished reading Lonely Boy

Steady your nerves – 13th December 2019

Contrasting your perceptions

1. Steady your nerves
– Prepare ourselves for the reality of the situation.
2. Control your emotions
– Domesticate your emotions, don’t pretend they don’t exist.
3. Practice objectivity
– Hold for a moment, let me see what you are and what you represent.
4. Practice contemptuous expressions
– See things for what they are not what you have made them.
5. Alter your perspective
– Limit and expand our perspective to whatever keeps you calmest.
6. Live in the present moment
– Focus on the moment, on what you can control right now.
7. Look for the opportunity
– Does getting upset give you more options?

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that I have learnt that sometimes things go wrong on Monday but the same things go right again on Friday. Different class of students, different reactions. I’ve learnt that Monday is a tough day so don’t make judgements on the quality of my work.


Did it lists

  • 2 more lessons planned
  • Peak and Elevate brain training
  • Dealt with sudden change to my day at school where I could no longer teach a lesson I was looking forward to teaching.
  • Successful lesson with class in morning; really made me feel good.
  • Despite being tired I mentally prepared myself for having to be busy in the evening – pretending that I’m having two days in one!
  • Both venues in Kota Kinabalu confirmed already!
  • Kept Kevin up to date with tour plan.
  • Quick email to Hayden – he even replied!
  • Finished Introduction to Stoicism and found links to even more things to learn.
  • Wrote to Lachlan after reading a little of a free ebook called Philosophy of India.
  • Started reading cliff notes to Anna Karenina and realise I missed little bits which makes me think I will need to read it again! But so much to read.

I got a headache, like a pillow – 12th December 2019

If you got nothing to talk about then there’s always the weather.  Over the last couple of years though, the weather has become a major conversation for most people.  Extremes are getting hit everywhere.  And now having said that……

It’s not just a surprise to me that it’s so cold here in North Thailand at the moment, even the locals say they’ve never felt anything like it.  We all probably forgot what it was like last year.  It’s a bit of a shock to the system though and apparently, this ‘winter’ cold will be over within the week.  It’s actually a nice temperature but I can’t enjoy it because everyone got sick and thought it best to share it with me, so I’ve been rugged up and sleeping it off for what feels way too long.  Hanging out daily with hundreds of sick kids doesn’t help much either.

Another annoying thing is that the temperature had just become appropriate to crack open the bottle of Malt Whiskey I’d been sitting on since last year.  After a couple of nights of enjoyment, the sickness took hold.  Maybe it’s related?  When it’s not school holidays I’ve pretty much stopped drinking now, so I’m a bit out of practice.  This has had some positive health effects in that I’ve lost a little bit of weight without having to do any exercise.  I would like to do some exercise though but……I’m fucking sick.

Anyway, in between working and coughing I’m also in the middle of planning a ten-day or so South East Asia tour for Worlds Dirtiest Sport from France, which is basically Kevin from Trumans Water and his one-man band.  I’m very excited about this.  It’s a great excuse for me to get to see some other parts of Southeast Asia that I haven’t visited yet, to enjoy watching Kevin play each night and to discover the local scenes and bands there.  As well as catching up with some old (and newer) friends.

Whilst doing this I also have to arrange myself a new UK passport, as that is what my Thai visa is attached to.  I got this Australian passport that I’ve never used and not sure when I’ll be able to!  This will mean having to make two quick trips to the British Embassy in Chiang Mai on working weekdays.  This is my opportunity to use the word palaver.

20191212_180145_1576148545420
those days

Dealing with the moving targets of Thai bureaucracy has hardened me somewhat to the bullshit bureaucracy I had to deal with in Australia and the UK with all the visas, passports and information requirements. This time should be a cinch.  Famous last words.

20191110_111903_1576148610845
these days

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be around the kids at school. Even if they are shitbags they never fail to make me smile many times a day. I can go home with those smiles and forget about how little they actually learned.


Did it lists

“You may not wake up tomorrow”

What did I do well today?
Where were my discipline and self-control tested? Where did I do good?
What did I do bad and why did this occur? Furthermore, how can I improve?

  • Wrote in gratitude journal.
  • Understood more about my students.
  • Prepped next week’s regular class worksheets.
  • Downloaded Daily Stoic Introduction and saved to Drive.
  • Cleared a bunch of emails.
  • Added more books to ‘to read’ list.
  • Finished another lesson plan.
  • Contacted Indra and the venues in Kota Kinabalu.
  • Sorted bookshelves a little.
  • Helped Amy with some planning for students.
  • Read Mark Manson article.
  • Posted gratitude to new friends on FB.

No hammer from the judge – 10th December 2019

When you feel overwhelmed or unfocused, what do you do? What questions do you ask?

The last time I felt overwhelmed was at CRPAO. My mind could only concentrate on the injustices I felt at the way I was treated. Obviously, the questions I asked myself were not productive.

The first question I need to ask is ‘is this situation in or out of my control?’ If the situation is not in my control then all I can control is my response. This is a difficult skill that I am currently trying to cultivate. It is easy to think about but difficult to execute.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for another school holiday today. Yesterday was tough and left me in a negative state of mind and this morning I woke up not feeling well. It’s a blessing to be able to spend another day just sitting and reading!

But I’ve got better things to do – 8th December 2019

What new belief, behaviour or habit has most improved your life?

Undoubtedly the behavioural change that has most improved my life is to have stopped drinking so much. The hangovers now are becoming too much of a burden, particularly as I’m working so much and just want to get things done in general.

I’m not going to be a non-drinker but when I do have a drink I will try to be more moderate or be prepared to have a less-than-useful day afterwards.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by the green jungle hills. Last night Amy came into my room and as we hugged I could smell the fresh air on her skin. I love living outside the city.

Every everything (The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #15) – 7th December 2019

It’s taken me more than a year and a half to recover!

When I returned from the CELTA training course I found my brain had changed.  I seem to flip between data driven thinking and artistic thinking and often cannot find a good balance.  The training was very linear and intensive (as it should be) and on reflection now, some 18 months later, was easier to complete than I imagined beforehand and during.  The pressure to achieve was very high but that pressure mostly came from within.  Now, I realise that I can turn my hand to anything if I wish to.

Of course, the circumstances since the training have mostly helped me arrive at this conclusion.  First I started doing some free teaching with students from the local university.  This gave me a little self confidence though I was often shocked at the students poor language levels, in the language they are studying for their degrees, whatever the subject.  I can suggest to myself that I could probably easily complete a degree at the university here purely based on the fact I can use the language fully.  Anyway, that’s by the by for now as I’m not really considering that as an option at the moment.

After a few months kicking around and enjoying much free time I ended up working with Grade 5 students at a nearby provincial school.  I have a million stories from there, many which I would like to forget.  I soon discovered the crazy dysfunction in the education system here.  If it’s obvious to me, an unqualified teacher starting their first job then the system must be pretty poor.

I don’t intend to tarnish the education system as a whole as that would be unfair.  The circumstances I was in influenced a lot of my impressions and I try to understand that what I saw was not indicative of other places.  It was, however, the belief of many others teaching here that things are not much better elsewhere in the country.  There are a million reasons for this and books could be filled trying to explain.  The main down side for me was that I felt that I was unable to do a good job and provide useful learning for the students a lot of the time.  I hate doing a bad job – especially when eventually someone else is going to suffer for it.  So that was the other down side – watching willing students deal with the inadequacies of the system which lead to inconsistency in almost everything.  Frustrating beyond belief.

Beyond that though I have found myself with a passion and love for the students that has made me incredibly happy.  It’s a job that I really love to invest my time in and to go to work to do it.  I’ll talk more about this in future.

Just a short one this time as I push myself to get back into this.

“Every heartbeat, every movement, every moment, every sigh.”


Gratitude Journal

I am so grateful and happy to go to school on Friday, which was hard as I had been sick this week and had a bad experience on Monday. The kids also drove me crazy and made me quite angry but I survived and talked to Kru Noon about strategies to get them to listen more. I will take her advice and try this next week!


The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #15

Music from Hamster Theatre, Super Thief, Infidel-Castro!, Arm, Kultur Shock, Captain Beefheart, Fugazi, Bogshed, Brainiac, Neon Rose, By The End of Tonight, Rafter, Huggy Bear, Jimmy Two Hands, Zu/Mats Gustafsson, Secret Hate and The Ex.

I’ve got my own strategies for my life – 6th December 2019

What is an unusual habit or absurd thing you love?

I’m not sure that I have an unusual habit – if it’s a habit it would be pretty normal.

Absurd things I love though – that would have to be the music I enjoy. I really enjoy music that is difficult to listen to. Cerebral I guess most would call it. Sometimes it’s not even something I enjoy listening to – well, the music – I enjoy the process – the emotional response – even if it is negative.

Amy would be able to list so many things for me here – she really doesn’t enjoy most of the movies I like either.

Despite years of trying to shut my brain off, it looks like I actually enjoy thinking.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to wake up a little earlier than normal today and walk around my garden as the sun was not yet risen over the mountains. It was cold but peaceful. Kim joined me, running with her little legs as fast as she could.