The view from above A bomb or brain An expanding universe Must always remain The view microscopic Each atom crucial The future in our hands Exploded brutal The view in the mirror Pauses for reflection Thumb on the button Ending perfection
Today I’m feeling:
A little flat still but better than yesterday.
Today I’m grateful for:
The special Royal Canin food that Cap and Tig can eat. It’s expensive but at least it gives them some variety as they don’t have many options due to their health conditions.
The best thing about today was:
Taking my time watching the Swans play well against Richmond. I felt relaxed once we took control of the game in the fourth quarter.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Cap has to drink a supplement once a day. It’s just 2ml and has to be done with a plastic syringe into his mouth. He hates it though especially as it sprays down his throat. As I tried to administer it, Cap quickly moved his head, so I sprayed the liquid into my hand and onto my pants. I just laughed. I’ll get you next time Cap!
Something I learned today?
The one thing I can quickly remember was reading about a Thai guy (one of 9 siblings) who makes around 3 million bagels a year in New York. He works about 100 hours a week and also owns a restaurant. He has an arranged marriage and his wife is still in Thailand. I’m kind of fascinated with New York but not sure if I ever really like to go there.
I took this picture last week because I thought these mini houses, basically just studio apartments have a pretty interesting design and despite my 5 years riding around here I’ve never seen these before and they are probably less than 500 metres from home.
Kick the can down the road It’s a problem for someone else Put the cap back on the bottle Leave it to settle on the shelf Sweep the dirt under the carpet Until there’s someone else to blame Well-versed in this deliberate tactic To put one’s enemies to shame If it ever comes back to bite Just retire and get out of the way Admit that mistakes were made And it’s someone else’s turn to pay
Today I’m feeling:
Tired but a little better than yesterday. It took me a couple of hours to get going though due to lack of sleep.
Today I’m grateful for:
The wind that came today and helped to clear some of the smoke. No doubt it will be replaced by new smoke by the morning. Everyone is hoping and waiting for rain. It’s forecast every day but never eventuates.
The best thing about today was:
I enjoyed watching the football today despite the Swans losing. It was a good game. My mood is slightly improved today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Being unable to get to sleep was difficult and that made it hard to get up when morning came. When I did get up to feed the cats I wanted to sleep more but found I couldn’t properly and just tossed and turned and lucid dreamed for an hour or so. When I did get up I felt exhausted but awake, not sleepy again. I’m getting sleepy now in the evening and hope I can get a good night’s rest tonight. I want to go to the city tomorrow to renew my licences, do a little work at House and maybe do a little bit of shopping.
Something I learned today?
I feel like perhaps I didn’t learn anything that I didn’t already know. Some days that’s ok but I prefer to feel like I’ve learned something new even if it’s fairly inconsequential. I shouldn’t trap myself into a cycle of just seeing, reading and hearing things that just reinforce my beliefs despite how comforting that can feel these days.
What problem do I need to solve this week?
I need to get beyond this grief and sorrow. I know it’s coming slowly and things I have read have been helping. For example:
When you see anyone weeping for grief, either that his son has gone abroad, or that he has suffered in his affairs, take care not to be overcome by the apparent evil; but discriminate, and be ready to say, “What hurts this man is not this occurrence itself,- for another man might not be hurt by it, – but the view he chooses to take of it.” As far as conversation goes, however, do not disdain to accommodate yourself to him, and if need be, to groan with him. Take heed, however, not to groan inwardly too.
Epictetus, Handbook 16
I am the one weeping for grief and I must accommodate myself. Another is not hurt by the events in my life, and neither should I be. It is the view that I am taking. It feels harsh but true.
I am kicking myself too. I know that everything alive will die, why do I fight against this knowledge? In some ways, grief feels selfish.
I couldn’t get to sleep last night feeling hot when it was cold and cold when it was hot. My eyes stung from the pollution and my mind recalled recent events. I consoled myself by looking at photos of Kim, hearing her little purrs and feeling our nose rubs and smelling her head. I was teary but felt better but still not sleepy so I read more Khalil Gibran and was inspired by his quotes, many touching the raw nerve of what it is to be human.
“When either your joy or your sorrow becomes great the world becomes small.”
“The bitterest thing in our today’s sorrow is the memory of our yesterday’s joy.”
These were comforting for me and finally, I got to sleep though not long enough.
I took this picture because it’s unusual to find these two sitting together, both at the door looking out. I didn’t even notice them until I opened the door coming back from coffee.
Stop looking at it It’s all you’ll ever see Your beliefs reinforced Swinging from a tree
Stop picking at it Or the wound will never heal A rising of blood Drowns out your appeal
Stop clicking on it The addict and the fix Knock your house down It’s built on broken bricks
Today I’m feeling:
Quiet, low, not down but unenthusiastic and bored. Missing my little Amy at times like these.
Today I’m grateful for:
A little rain. It’s 8.30 pm and I just went to close the gate. Tigger was around and chatting with me. Light drops hit my skin every step or two and it felt like that would be it. I hung on the straps in the garage for a second enjoying the stretch in my arms, shoulders and back.
Then I came to sit outside our front door and write here. Slowly larger drops fell noisily on our assorted roofs and Tigger looked on bemused.
Then a flash and peal of thunder excited the air. A very slight breeze has made the temperature bearable again and I think even the mosquitoes are hiding. More rain, please.
The best thing about today was:
I think right now, listening to the rain. I knew today that I would watch the replay of the first Swans game of the season but the app didn’t work on the iPad so I checked the website on the laptop, which annoyingly doesn’t have the option to hide the scores. I obscured the screen as best I could but looking around to find the replay button, which wasn’t there yet, I accidentally saw the scores. We won but it still steals the pleasure of watching the game not knowing the outcome.
As I waited for the replay option to become available I played some more Xbox and started on a beer.
Today, I planned to have a beer or two whilst watching the game, as a kind of reminder of days past in Australia.
Amy video-called me as she was on a boat trip around the harbour. A beautiful hot day there, perfect to be on the water. Later she called again, a little drunk and happy but also teary because she wished I was there. And I wished I was too.
Finally, the replay was available to watch and we played well but I felt joyless. After a second beer, I decided not to have more as I was starting to nod off in the final quarter of the game. Enough so that after it finished I got into bed with the fan on me, waking up a couple of hours later in a 31-degree sweat. I felt a little better but still joyless and bored.
Now Tigger is sitting on me here in this chair, purring and observing.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My mood is a little out of control again and I think I want to go back to my full tablet of sertraline again. I’m realising that the deep connection I feel with my students leaves a vacuum in the semester breaks. I need to give some love to myself but don’t feel quite capable.
Something I learned today?
I took a little detour when riding back from Utopia this morning, around the back of the village towards the hidden temple halfway up the mountain. Everything is changing so quickly out there. The temple is no longer hidden and new dirt roads are heading off deeper into the mountains. I’ll go check them out one day soon.
How can I continue to challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone?
Although I fall into laziness quite easily I try to challenge myself into making my classes better for my students. That’s not particularly outside my comfort zone though. My comfort zone keeps me fairly content and I can mostly adjust to any boredom that arises from it. But I don’t want to get complacent either.
Somehow, usually in time, fresh challenges come forth and I’m ok just waiting for them to arrive. It feels like a balance that is usually maintained. It’s not often I need to find things to challenge myself.
I feel like I don’t know what I’m writing here. These thoughts feel very now. If asked this question on a different day I think my answers would be almost the opposite.
I took this picture because Cap wanted to watch the football too.
The temperature is perfect at around 7 pm and I feel like going for a walk but there’s nowhere really to go. I could walk just for the sake of it but feel that my house is so comfortable it’s challenging to motivate myself by this time of day. I think about walking to Daytripper but I usually go there with my laptop to either work or write and I don’t want to carry a bag with me all that way.
First-world problems in a third-world country for this entitled white boy.
Today I’m grateful for:
My work situation that allows me so much free time that I sometimes struggle to fill it appropriately.
I got home before 10am and have been doing all sorts of little things from reading to cleaning to vacuuming and suddenly it is evening already and I wonder where the day has gone, and everything is ok.
If I wasn’t doing (what feels like) a whole load of nothing I’d have to be at school usually teaching or on days like these with no classes filling up time with useless activity.
I’m so lucky.
The best thing about today was:
Seeing lots of excited happy kids at school for the graduation ceremony. If they weren’t graduating they were preparing to present gifts to their friends and siblings.
It’s funny to see some of the ‘bad’ students celebrating in this kind of traditional ceremony and it reminded me that the kids have a cultural understanding of expectations which I will never have and which sometimes brings us to odds.
While pushing them with all sorts of possibilities for their futures they understand their realities which I can’t see.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Not much really. A car freshener I ordered online got refunded as it was out of stock and the computer repair shop called me and advised they couldn’t access the data on the old drive which is a minor inconvenience as about 99% of my files are backed up. Nothing too wayward today.
Something I learned today?
Despite wanting to watch less YouTube I found an interesting new channel from China by journalist Miao Xiaojuan.
The AFL season starts today and there will be 4 umpires on the field now and the bench will have one sub plus 4 to interchange. Swans play on Saturday and I will watch on Sunday.
What am I looking forward to?
I’m looking forward to going to Australia in October. It’s been five years since I left and I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been. Australia is what made me though and I am very fond of it there. It will be good to catch up with Hayden and Jochen and to look around my old haunts to see how or if they have changed.
I took this picture because this climbing plant has suddenly found its wheels and trying to overgrow everywhere, reaching out to find new attachments. The remnants of last year’s growth are still stuck up in the tree tops, dead and decaying yet still stuck. I have to fight it back this year.Fatman report
Sometimes bad weather seems better Maybe you’ve got no coin in the game A baby born without hope to survive Maybe rooting for us just the same Take a shot at the moving target And it becomes the best you’ve ever done Everyone has forgotten your name But to us, you’re the one that won
Run in the opposite direction of any expert or guru proclaiming to possess a secret formula for success of power.
Robert Greene, the Daily Laws
Today I’m grateful for: A weekend of being able to watch the AFL. Four amazing first-round finals. All of them were fantastic thrilling games and they reminded me of weekends of drinking and hangovers in Australia. Winters of football and summers of cricket. The best thing about today was: A big drink of cold water at about 8pm. Today has not been very eventful but that water sure made an impression. No doubt I will be reminded of it at about 3am too!
I took this picture because it represents hope and growth. Many of our pumpkin flowers don’t turn to fruit or fall off quickly before having chance to take. I don’t know how far this one will go but it’s looking good right now.
Another winning goal, another scoring shot A sharing of the soul, a stirring of the pot Climbing the ranks, lightning to the rod Living life with thanks, stepping up to God
The title was taken from a commentator’s proclamation during last weekend’s Sydney vs. Fremantle AFL game as Buddy Franklin scored an important goal after the halftime siren.
Why on earth do you need thanks or recognition for having done the right thing? It’s your job.
Ryan Holiday, Daily Stoic
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I was able to safely get on and off the roof to put down some waterproof tape. Let’s see if it works.
Are you irresponsible in the darkness? Shaded in soft golden neon Does rebellion foment on tarmac curbs? A target found to all agree on Hidden in plain view The many meld into the cosmic one Mysterious brothers and sisters Measured in memories soon undone In dream parties revisited Eyes locked for a second brief Know, not knowing Moments of ecstasy or grief Soft smiles acknowledged A metaphorical tip of the hat Strangers to each other There’s nothing better than that
You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn’t.
David Foster Wallace
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I can watch the Swans game later today.
A crazy bird is crying Looking for a mate Lizards discuss the rain Three cats carefully sniff the cactus Before settling to sleep again Ant armies on an unknown mission Disappear into the cracks Dogs roll around uncontrollably As if scratching an impossible itch In the middle of their backs Midges, gnats, flies, wasps Bees and hornets too Doing battle for the tastiest meal Pollen descends to rest on my stomach As I swing back and forth Hoping for a breeze to feel Slung between two tall trees I’m hung on this piece of cloth I am the outsider, here as observer And today, it’s enough
It’s human; we all put self interest first.
Euripedes
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the AFL games again this year. The sport is still played and technology allows me to watch it.
*A man’s accusing finger always finds a woman They are the blamed and the blessed There is no way to change this status And no way to pass the test A controlling power deep within the head Passive, self-censored and abjugated A thousand years of venoms spat At the devils that man created
* From “A Thousand Splendid Suns” by Khaled Hosseini
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the football again this year and watch Sydney play well against the odds with a young team. Much better than the previous two seasons. We lost today and finished for this year but it has me pumped for watching again next year. Hopefully, I can.
It’s a vague memory Not sure what I can say I just don’t recall Much about yesterday
I know I enjoyed it It went very well What were the details I can no longer tell
I’m sure there was coffee And stroking the cats Did the dog come to visit? I don’t know – perhaps?
Online classes of kids I think they enjoyed their study I think it was fun Though my memory is muddy
What about this morning? What the hell did I do? The onset of senility? What if I write this poem again tomorrow…… Too?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my iPad that I could use last night to watch Sydney beat the top team in the AFL. Then to read comics and books. I don’t use it for much else but it’s fantastic for what I want.
1994ever 