Kick The Can – 9th April 2023

Kick the can down the road
It’s a problem for someone else
Put the cap back on the bottle
Leave it to settle on the shelf
Sweep the dirt under the carpet
Until there’s someone else to blame
Well-versed in this deliberate tactic
To put one’s enemies to shame
If it ever comes back to bite
Just retire and get out of the way
Admit that mistakes were made
And it’s someone else’s turn to pay

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Today I’m feeling:

Tired but a little better than yesterday. It took me a couple of hours to get going though due to lack of sleep. 

Today I’m grateful for:

The wind that came today and helped to clear some of the smoke. No doubt it will be replaced by new smoke by the morning. Everyone is hoping and waiting for rain. It’s forecast every day but never eventuates.

The best thing about today was:

I enjoyed watching the football today despite the Swans losing. It was a good game. My mood is slightly improved today.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Being unable to get to sleep was difficult and that made it hard to get up when morning came. When I did get up to feed the cats I wanted to sleep more but found I couldn’t properly and just tossed and turned and lucid dreamed for an hour or so. When I did get up I felt exhausted but awake, not sleepy again. I’m getting sleepy now in the evening and hope I can get a good night’s rest tonight. I want to go to the city tomorrow to renew my licences, do a little work at House and maybe do a little bit of shopping.

Something I learned today?

I feel like perhaps I didn’t learn anything that I didn’t already know. Some days that’s ok but I prefer to feel like I’ve learned something new even if it’s fairly inconsequential. I shouldn’t trap myself into a cycle of just seeing, reading and hearing things that just reinforce my beliefs despite how comforting that can feel these days.

What problem do I need to solve this week?

I need to get beyond this grief and sorrow. I know it’s coming slowly and things I have read have been helping. For example:

When you see anyone weeping for grief, either that his son has gone abroad, or that he has suffered in his affairs, take care not to be overcome by the apparent evil; but discriminate, and be ready to say, “What hurts this man is not this occurrence itself,- for another man might not be hurt by it, – but the view he chooses to take of it.” As far as conversation goes, however, do not disdain to accommodate yourself to him, and if need be, to groan with him. Take heed, however, not to groan inwardly too.

Epictetus, Handbook 16

I am the one weeping for grief and I must accommodate myself. Another is not hurt by the events in my life, and neither should I be. It is the view that I am taking. It feels harsh but true.

I am kicking myself too. I know that everything alive will die, why do I fight against this knowledge? In some ways, grief feels selfish.

I couldn’t get to sleep last night feeling hot when it was cold and cold when it was hot. My eyes stung from the pollution and my mind recalled recent events. I consoled myself by looking at photos of Kim, hearing her little purrs and feeling our nose rubs and smelling her head. I was teary but felt better but still not sleepy so I read more Khalil Gibran and was inspired by his quotes, many touching the raw nerve of what it is to be human.

“When either your joy or your sorrow becomes great the world becomes small.”

“The bitterest thing in our today’s sorrow is the memory of our yesterday’s joy.”

These were comforting for me and finally, I got to sleep though not long enough.