Faster than snakes with a ball and a chain – 9th February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

See you later Adelaide, I couldn’t wait to leave you.

I got a taxi to the airport, three hours before take off.  I just couldn’t sit around at the house, waiting.  It was time to start the journey even if that meant sitting and reading my book at the airport for a couple of hours.

I will miss you slightly, in that comfort of a regimen of work and sleep, preparing for these next precipitous steps, uncomfortable dread gnawing at me.

A zip and snooze and I’m landing in Brisbane as the sun sets back nearer Adelaide.  My son, Hayden, is waiting for me with a big hug and we get lost in the maze of car parks and lifts, assisting others who are similarly lost.

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Brisbane is the opposite of Adelaide in road layout, it’s a mess, made messier by the winding river running through it.  It also makes it more interesting immediately.

We arrive at our apartment, ablute, and then search for food.  Opting for takeaway burgers and beer, we sit and talk for an hour or so before hitting the sack in my first decent bed for many months.  Blissful rest with crazy dreams.

It’s interesting to watch Hayden finding his way in the world.  I am now at the point where I just have no idea what ‘teh kids’ (as I call them, on purpose typo) are into these days.  Popular culture was never my thing and though Hayden has his own interests outside popular culture at least he still understands all those current references.

I’m really only interested in old bookshops and reading about history, trying to get a better understanding how we are where we are.  No longer being in the now, doing the do.

But I know I must do the do again when reaching Thailand and I was visualising a day in my life there.  Riding a motorcycle to school to teach English, I want to feel that thrill on the new, fill myself with the wonder of ‘how did my life end up here – that’s just amazing!’  But then also wanting it to feel familiar again, something normal, but not get to the point of a rat race boredom.  A balance is something I would like to strike and something I feel like I’ve never been able to achieve.  Like sitting still, very fast.  Maybe it’s just the way I’m wired.

Today we went book shopping and found a great store called Archives.  If I had the time I would’ve spent so long looking through here but opted instead just to ask at the counter for a couple of books I remembered being interested in finding.  Sometimes I think it’s just a little game of something to do in a place, with the possibility of a little reward at the end.  Like setting a little goal for the day.  The assistant took me straight to two of the books I asked about and I was amazed that she knew them immediately and where they were located.  If I ran a bookshop that’s how I would want to be, knowing exactly what you have and where it is.

The only problem with these two books is that they are both massive and heavy.  Hayden and I struck a deal that he will bring them to me later in the year or wherever it is that he gets chance to visit us in Thailand.  I have enough to read already so no hurry really.

I used to hate reading, sometimes would force myself to read books just for the hell of it.  Somewhere along the way I’ve just found myself enjoying it more.  I read, and have always read, lots of comics, usually alternative and mature comics rather than superhero type stuff, though I am now going through old 60s and 70s Marvel.  I’m not sure what the appeal to me is really?  Maybe getting lost in those world with some hints of visuals perhaps, as I generally only read non-fiction books otherwise.  I actually would like to read more fiction too and get lost in those worlds but somehow real life books are just what is interesting to me these days.

This afternoon I will attempt to write a small piece for my mothers funeral.  I have an idea for it, just a small event which sums up her attitude to life and dealing with problems.

Having Hayden around is distracting me from thinking about my mum not being there to talk to.  I really want to show her today’s pictures of our house, but showed them to him instead.

Hayden is a typical early 20s guy I guess, with what people my age might consider strange ideas, thoughts or views on events in the world.  He does, however, have his head screwed on and shows a lot of empathy a lot of the time.  When I think back to my life at his age I was the same, finding my way, honing my opinions and beliefs.  I discussed this with him today and said I thought that every parent wants their children to gain the wisdom they themselves now have, faster than they did.  To get smarter, quicker.  However, being a parent, being older, you also know that that is not how it works.  You can nudge in certain directions but one can only grow under their own directives.  When Hayden is ready, he will be.  He’s happy enough and figuring it out.

 

There’s straw for the donkeys – 7th February 2018

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Happily, I was successfully accepted for the CELTA course in Chiang Mai, though I need to brush up on my grammar skills considerably!  The interviewer made me feel very comfortable despite my lack of knowledge and I actually felt that, yes, I could do this!

Also got word of a position available at the university close to our house (Mae Fah Luang) which I will apply for, though the timing may not be right as applications close at the end of March and I won’t have a certificate (assuming I pass) until the end of May.  Will apply anyway, it is Amy’s old University colleague who manages the English department there so that may be a benefit at least.  He said if it doesn’t work out he will direct students to me for private tuition in the meantime.

Last night my housemates took me out for a farewell dinner.  Bram drove the Volvo and Katrina and I made fun of him because he couldn’t hear his brakes screeching because he has lost hearing in that range.  I thought he was just pulling our leg at first but seems he was telling the truth.  I hope my hearing holds out a while longer – there’s still too much music in the world to enjoy.

We went to a dinky Chinese diner in Chinatown and ordered a big stack of food, including my favourite fish in boiling chilli oil with Sichuan pepper.  Not quite enough chilli and pepper for my taste but still a fantastic eat and half the price of some other places.

I noticed the staff putting flowers in the bags for Uber Eats deliveries so at the end of the meal I asked one of the staff if we could have one and I gave it to Katrina who was suitably embarrassed and happy to receive.  Bram laughed too and said I was showing him up.  I like this couple and hope they can achieve their dreams for the future.

For Bram that involves a 3-month motorcycle trip through India (and possibly Thailand, Myanmar, Malaysia and Singapore – though it’s looking like he may not be able to afford that now).  For Katrina, it means getting her permanent residency in Australia and then saving to build a couple of container style apartments on her grandmother’s land near Shengzhou (with Bram’s help).  Apparently famous for it bamboo forests, as seen in popular Chinese dramatic cinema in the west, pictures look especially magical when it snows in winter.

We both invited each other to visit what will be our new homes.

After a few days lull, our house is going gangbusters today with the perimeter fence going in, the electricity being hooked up, ceilings being primed and pond being finished off concreted.  Things seem to be coming together very well.

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Today, though, I woke up in a slight funk.  Possibly from the two beers I had with dinner last night, the first since the end of September last year.  Last night’s chilli has also assisted in processing the last few days codeine constipation.  Codeine is nice – I can see why it becomes addictive.

After today updates will become a little less often though I’ll still try for daily.  I’ve lined up a few entries from 1994 (until the end of March) and want to try and get ahead with those if I can – they are a pain in the ass to re-write and it was a perfect situation to be able to do that at my job.

It’s stinking hot here in Adelaide and super dry today.  Tomorrow I fly to Brisbane to meet with my son.  His mum has booked us an apartment in Fortitude Valley for the weekend for which we are both very thankful.  It’s been about six months since I’ve seen Hayden and probably will be another six before I see him again, assuming he’ll have time to come visit me in Thailand.

I’ll go and finish off that big book that will be too heavy to take with me.  Already threw out jeans and dinner jacket and some other stuff I wanted to take.  So maybe, just maybe, I can squeeze in a box of Australian wine to bring to Amy.

Watch out for the spiders of compulsion – 6th February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

As it was in 1994, my year of change is marked by death.  Then, it was my best friend Steve.  Steve would have been the first person I would turn to in times of sadness and self-doubt when trying to settle in Australia.  Now, it is my mother.

This is a bigger cultural change, a deeper more emotional challenge, moving to Thailand.  I wanted to share it with my mum and listen to her advice.  I know what her advice would be but I would still like to have heard it from her own mouth.  I will stay strong, continue to make her proud.

This afternoon I have a Skype interview for the CELTA course (English teaching) in Chiang Mai.  I have done one of these interviews before in Sydney and was accepted to do the course but that time I was under no pressure and was fairly relaxed about everything and I ended up not taking the course at that time.  This time I am more worried.  This is something I need once I get to Thailand so that I can find work legally there.  I am also, obviously, not in a particularly bright and cheery mood.

These days are dragging now,  I’m getting impatient to take my next steps.  Why can’t I relax, take everything in my stride, enjoy the free time?  I often seem to be striving for the next thing, constantly on the move.

The fear of numbered days makes them pass too swiftly.

You fight for your life
Held back by fear of falling
You fight for your life
Held back by fear of feeling
You fight for your life
Held back by fear of freedom
Your only fear
The fear of freedom

 

I walk my love in mornings gleam – 4th February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

How to write this?  How to put my feelings into words, express my thoughts clearly.  Maybe I can’t.  So let’s just stick to the facts.

I was contemplating a visit to the UK before settling in to my new life in Thailand.  Knowing my mother was probably in her last year and the timing was kind of right, it had suddenly become a possibility. I know I wrote just recently that I wouldn’t go back but something, I’m not sure what, made me reconsider.  A couple of hours into my first night shift, I called my cousin, Sharon, to discuss.

Sharon was fine with the idea but did warn me that my mum was very ill now and it may not be the way I wanted to remember her.  The doctors at the hospital, knowing a little about my mum’s wishes, had given her a good dose of antibiotics that hadn’t helped her much, so the decision was to switch to morphine for pain reduction and for her body to fight for itself.  This seemed a good solution.  If she had the strength she would recover, if she didn’t, she would be comfortable.

About an hour later, Sharon messaged me saying she had been called urgently to the hospital and perhaps another hour later she sent through a message, carefully worded, “Your mum has just silently faded away.  No more struggle, just peace and tranquillity.”

Sharon had passed on my love whilst mum was still breathing and held her hand until she was gone.

Of course, this outcome was not unexpected, I guess we had all been gearing ourselves up for this moment and I was strangely calm.  I sat at work, contemplating, thinking, sad but not emotional.  I went over memories of my mother and they all provided me with comfort.  I’m grateful her end wasn’t an extended suffering, around the other dramas of the palliative care ward.  Grateful she had been happy in her last few months at the care home.  In fact, my sadness is countered by everything she did for me, knowing that she was proud of what her son had achieved in his life.  I will continue to make her proud.  I just wish I could share these things with her.

I called Amy.  She had just got back from an event and had had a couple or three beers and was in a tipsy chatty mood, so I let her talk and I sat and listened and loved her words, pouring out of her and into me.  I soaked up her love and thought to myself, my mum has gone but my life is still complete.  I have everything.  I am happy.

When Amy talked about my mum, I gently told her that she was gone and she couldn’t believe me.  She burst into tears and apologised for talking all about her night and herself.  I calmed her down, telling her it was just what I needed.  As she continued to cry though I could feel myself starting to crack.  I started pacing the office I was in and managed to stay positive.  Amy insisted we go back to the UK for the funeral and I agreed, though not particularly for the funeral part but it presents us with the right opportunity to catch up with what is left of the family – something I now feel compelled to do.

I finished off my night shift and when I got home set about making new plans.  As I was due to quit work in a few weeks anyway, it seemed to make sense not to bother coming back to Australia after going to the UK, instead ending up in Thailand.  My son, Hayden, was also due to visit me in Adelaide the week before I was going to leave.  So with a little bit of juggling and some flight changes, I’ll leave Adelaide to go to Brisbane to visit Hayden for a few days, then to Sydney, on to Thailand next, to pick up Amy to fly together to the UK.

All of this planning kept me busy and I ended up awake for around 30 hours before finally sleeping peacefully until the following morning, where I failed to get up with my alarm.  No hurry now.  No more work, no more night shifts.

Still calm inside, still quiet.  Doubled meds, finishing off the codeines.  I can’t wait to hold my little Amy in my arms again.

Goodbye mum.  Thank you for everything you did for me.

Love you, always.

I’d rather be happy than right this time – 1st February 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It was a shock to me, so wound up and heart rate spiralling.  I could feel myself losing control, unable to think clearly and put the words together succinctly.

Mostly, I am very calm and chilled.  Most people’s drama and excitements don’t affect me much – they often seem so petty and inconsequential.  I am not a fan of conflict – I just can’t deal with it calmly.  I recall a particular instance of being accused of always running away when I get into an argument with my then partner.  Damn right I did, she was way smarter than me and could still put together a coherent thought whilst screaming her disapproval at me.  I had to run away and calm down before putting out an olive branch of regret.  Sometimes too early, and I had to run away again.

But, sometimes, in a couple of my work roles, I have felt the need to stand up and say my piece and call out the stupidity I see around me.  And so it was yesterday.

The circumstances are not particularly relevant because, of course, now, I can also see how petty and inconsequential they are.  What stood out to me in the post-conflict situation was how I felt and I struggled to deal with it.  I took a walk and called Amy, though I didn’t discuss what happened with her, just needed some soothing re-assurance of normality.  I checked my heart rate and that was still high, even about an hour later.  I wasn’t re-living the event and going over it so much, cos I was right, goddammit!  I think perhaps I was concerned about the possible escalation and continuation of the conflict for the rest of the day but that never eventuated.

Of course, as I slept that night and occasionally woke, that is when I started replaying the events in my mind.  And the titular lyric came into my head.  Now, if I could just put it into practice!

I used to think that justice had to rule for happy lives, but now I’m not so
Sure at all

…you’re either wrong or right and life will go on either way, whatever
You chose….

Weight: 85.9kg
Resting heart rate: 50

I leave my home, I leave it in the care of a friend – 30th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Hoo-ee!  I woke up yesterday morning after 16-20 hours of restless sleep, through 42-degree heat, though a cool change was in the air, it hadn’t quite made it to the upstairs in our new house.  I was totally betwattled.

Even the first coffee was no cure and I lurched around the supermarket uncertain why exactly I was there.  I figured it out in the end and shopping done I contemplated going back to sleep again.  The second coffee finally kicked me into gear but I had nothing to do except some reading and waiting for the man to come and give us internet again.  I stayed awake with both fans blasting and kids shouting in their backyard, perhaps hunting the floppy-eared white rabbit I saw hopping down the street earlier.

In fact, by the time evening came round I was no longer sleepy, contemplating security in our new house and a message I got from my cousin Sharon, that my mother was sick again and back in the hospital.  I got to sleep what felt like just a couple of minutes before my alarm went off and here I am back at work again, dopey-eyed with spinning stars.

My mother suffers from COPD, basically what emphysema develops into.  She needs oxygen all the time now and gets chest infections very easily which knock her down.  The infections are usually fixed with a course of antibiotics but consistently return when they are finished.  It’s been like this for the last 12 months or so.

She finally had to leave her home and now lives in a nice care home.  She was sad to leave and lose the independence she loved but she understands she couldn’t go on there anymore as she needs fairly constant monitoring.  The sale of the house should cover her care home expenses for a few years.

Being a practical sort, my mother often told me not to return to the UK for her funeral as it is a waste of money.  Amy and Sharon have both asked me if I want to go and visit but, practically, there isn’t much I can do for her, she will feel upset that I spent a lot of money to visit and I think she doesn’t want me to see her so invalid.  She has always been so strong.

She has a Do Not Resuscitate order in place, saying she doesn’t want to hang around suffering and just being kept alive for the sake of it.  She saw that happen with her sister.  I hope she’s not suffering.

I did go and visit her about 18 months ago after she was taken to hospital for the first time.  She was still able to do things to take care of herself at that time and it was really nice to be able to sit back and relax in my old family home, just chat and watch TV.  I actually enjoyed being back in the UK, it was the tail end of summer so some days were comfortably warm but it was also nice to feel that clean English chill in the air some nights.  These are memories I would like to keep of the last time to see my mother.  Somewhat selfish I know.

My mother’s sickness it most likely smoking-related, though she quit about 20 years ago already, she had smoked for about 20 years before that.  With cigarettes always around I soon started pinching some and the few times she caught me smoking she couldn’t really say anything to deter me.  I finally stopped smoking myself when my son was born.  My own father died of smoking-related lung cancer before I was two years old.

All you’ve got to do is do it – 28th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

After just posting a couple of days about not being stressed about the move to Thailand I woke up mid-sleep in a panic.  This is real.  Once I’m there, I’m there.  No turning back, no running away.  I’d like to try and figure things out for myself without relying on Amy too much, though I do hope she can provide me with the emotional support I know I’m going to need!

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.  Right?

The nervous energy I felt whilst winding down time in 1994 is not apparent now.  I’m more composed and more reflective.  I guess I have some idea what I’m in for this time.  I’ve been to Thailand previously, which is at least a step ahead of when I moved to Australia.  It is a massive culture difference though.  I look forward to that but also curious how I might handle certain situations.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.  Right?

Anyway, I wrote this long after I woke up mid-sleep and I easily fell back to sleep after the panic.  It wasn’t that bad I guess.

 

Mark E. cha cha – 27th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I only recently understood the meaning of Aladdin Sane.  Not the song/music but just those two words.  Duh!

I slept through the heat of the day, a bit more fitfully than yesterday’s deep dreamless rest.  The whirr of the overhead fan blades never reminded me of the first scene in Apocalypse Now and thankfully, this isn’t the end.

God bless Saturday
God bless Saturday

A women’s laugh from a backyard party on our street woke me, someone’s having fun.  A creaking door, a turned tap.  It doesn’t bother me, it doesn’t upset me.  People are just being people going about their days.

Day by day
The moon gains on me

The dreams I was chasing are quickly forgotten but I know they were good.

And it’s quiet again
Hidden figments, surface now
Repetitious history
One more time for the record

Last day of four night shifts again.  I’m starting to flag.

The man who’s head diminished. Sounds like my head, trying to unravel this lot
I can tell you Sparky!

A day and a half break to do some washing and reading and then back to it, but at least back on regular shifts, which will at least give me three and half day breaks again though I may see if I can get some more overtime cos money is money.

If your rates too high
Put your life on this bit of paper

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Amy insists I bring her at least three bags of goon from Australia despite me having a full bag already.  Aussie wine is expensive in Thailand and Amy sounded like she needed a drink tonight.  I’m anticipating my first drink of the year when I arrive in Thailand too – will probably knock me off my feet.

Good riddance to my native country
It never did a thing for me
It’s a better life here

 

It is a good life here
Football and beer much superior…

Good night Marquis.

Great southern land – 26th January 2018

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

No dreams to report today.  I got home this morning and chucked down a couple of tablets and quickly fell into a codeine coma.  Woke up 9 hours later feeling totally refreshed.  The day of Australia Day is over and now I’m just working through the double-time overtime night.

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Amy has been picking through catalogues of tiles as we start thinking about the details of our house.  There still feels like a lot of work to be done but the contract is to have it finished in the next two months.  In those two months, I will eventually have quit my job and left Australia.  It still feels less than real.  I’m not as stressed as I should be!

I continue to write up the 1994 diary entries, up to the end of March so far.  I had a habit of writing with no paragraphs or breaks and when typing without capitals too.  It’s a pain to keep track of where I’m up to in the text.

Each entry brings back evocative memories and it’s interesting to compare those times with these.  Do I not feel stressed this time because I have some idea of what I’m getting into this time?  When I moved to Australia I would say it took me a good 18 months to feel settled.  I missed all my friends and the things we got up to before I left, knowing that it would be a long time before we would be able to do those things again.

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This time is a little more detached.  It’s like we’ve already done the move but I’m not quite there yet.  As I’m just quietly beavering away in Adelaide I’m not thinking about partying my way to the last day.  Australia is a great country to live in really.  It has its fair share of problems but it has greater potential possibilities too.  I may be tipping my rose-tinted glasses somewhat.  Either way, the future is now.