You’re creating your problems
It’s no one’s fault but your own
I try to help you out
But all you do is moan
Sometimes I wonder why I bother
I really do
It’s no good to keep on coming up to me
To keep helping you
All your problems – solve them
Month: May 1984
*Self Abuse, Confessions of Sin, Takano – Continental Cinema, Winton – 27th May 1984
*The Week That Was – 28th May 1984
Record of the week: Black Flag – My War
28th May 1984
Got to sleep at 4am. Woke up at 11. Watched telly. I got a bad back. Took Ben home. I was in bed most of the day. My back was killing me. Got better so went to Houldey’s. They were watching some pop shit. Beki and Dandy kept fucking going ‘Cor, he’s beautiful’ and all that shit. Came back. Watched Scully, Private Benjamin and Hill Street Blues.
29th May 1984
Woke up. Went to Wimborne. Absolutely no one there. Went to Houldey’s. Came back. Started more on the Beast. Went back to Houldey’s to get a rubber. Dandy wasn’t wearing much and I was trying not to stare. Came back. Did a bit of painting. The night has little in store. Got on with more painting – top Beast is nearly complete. Can’t remember anything else. Went to sleep.
30th May 1984
Got up 11. Decided to go to Wimborne in the hope of seeing Kathryn. Saw Liz, Wayne, Dodds. Wimborne is a shithole. So came back. Did more painting. Watched European Cup Final Liverpool vs AS Roma 1-1. Liverpool won on penalties. Andy rang, said Anti-Sect was off as the place got smashed up so they aren’t having gigs there. Watched Force 10 From Navarone. Sleep.
31st May 1984
Got up 12. Went down the track but came back. Did painting. Stewart rang and gave me a number to ring about a job. I rang – bloke wasn’t there – said he’d ring back – waited. Decided to go out. Went down track. Then up to Houldey’s. Beat Jamie at pool. Found out Kathryn’s number is the one I’ve got. Came back. Did more on painting. It’s now 1.30ish. Night night.
1st June 1984
Couldn’t sleep – was doing Rubik’s Cube at 3 in the morning. Got to sleep at 4. Woke up at 10.30 – feel knackered. Did more painting for a while. Went down track. It’s in a bit of a state after the rain. Went to Houldey’s – didn’t stay long. Running out of petrol. Came back. Rang about job again – he wasn’t there. Rang Kathyrn – she said Jamie was lying about her wanting to go out with me. Pissed off – so went out on common. Watched film.
2nd June 1984
Mum woke me up at 8.50. Went to get bus but the fucker didn’t come. Came back and did more painting. Got bus in the afternoon – met Sam Church – had a game of telephone numbers with her. Finally managed to get Black Flag LP at last. Fuck all to do in Poole. Plenty of nice girls though – but there’s no chance. Came back. (?) kids were following Sam on a moped. Dandy got on bus – cor. Came back. Black Flag LP is not as good as expected. Watched telly all night. Found some books to read.
3rd June 1984
Woke up 12. Finally finished painting. Thinking of a background to do for it. Took dog. Pissed around for a while. Went to Houldey’s. Went down track. Went up dump with Jasp and Muz. Me and Jasp started a fire – Muz bricked it home. We went back. I came back. Watched Spitting Image and (?). Pretty good. It’s 12 now so it’s tomorrow.
Work – 26th May 1984
Kiss the workhouse
Kiss it goodbye
Out at last
Free from the lie
Job satisfaction
Wages
Social Industry
Boredom
Conditioning
How many people out there are listening?
Moan on the dole
Clone control
Work work work work work work work work – know what I mean?
7th June 2023 – From age 13 until finishing school we were asked what jobs we wanted to do when we left school. How was a dumb boy like me supposed to know? Well, that’s why we had career advice lessons and a beginner’s introduction to the soon-to-be popular ‘buzzwords’. I still quite like this poem.
What Have You Done? – 24th May 1984
You sit alone, thoughts in your head
What can you say that hasn’t been said?
What can you do that hasn’t been done?
You know you’re not the only one
What will you do now you’re having fun?
Will you look back at what you have done?
You gave up the world for your selfish aims
So you could carry on with your games
Now I’m asking you what have you done?
You don’t know or care as long as it’s fun
Won’t you help? You know you can save me
You know you could love me but hate is all you gave me
What will you do now you’re having fun?
Alienate me more that you’ve already done
So long as you’ve got friends and a bottle to drink
You can live life without having to think
To think
What have you done?
The end
Is sure to come
*The Week That Was – 21st May 1984
Record of the week: Confessions of Sin – Confession, Self Abuse – Loose, PCH – (This is not) Call The Cops
Record of the month – Subhumans LP, Confessions of Sin (live)
21st May 1984
Was going to start The Scar last night but started it today instead. Read half of it then watched film – which was ok. Had a bath. Then went to Houldey’s. They were setting up their new suite. Came back. Rang Paul. Talked for a while. Found out Zoe rang, said she’d ring again tomorrow. Watched Hill Street Blues. Read some more then went to sleep.
22nd May 1984
Decided not to go to school. When I woke up I started reading book. Finished it at 4 o’clock. It was a good book. Haven’t been doing anything otherwise. Went to Houldey’s. Found out Kathryn will go out with me when she’s finished with whoever. Zoe rang and apologised for Saturday. Dunno what else I did. Drew In Execlsis on my wall. Went to sleep.
23rd May 1984
Woke up early for some reason. Jez came round at about 10. Jim came at 10.30. Drew things on wall. Decided to do some PCH. Went to Houldey’s. Only Beki was there. I came back and got some sugar. Took our tape back and played it. Came back and did some more PCH. Came in. Jim and Jez went. I went to Houdley’s. Went to get some petrol. Came back. Came back. Went to Jez’s. Had a shit game of snooker. JC was there – cunt. Went to Ben’s. Went to a barn (?) on my bike. Came back. Spurs won UEFA Cup on penalties. Film was shit.
24th May 1984
Woke up about 10.30. Took dog. Went to Wimborne. Saw Liz eh. Got haircut. Bought some paints and gel. Came back. Went to Houldey’s. Had a chat with Beki. Came back. Wrote some of book. Didn’t do fuck all. Went to Jez’s. We went to Ben’s, spent ages trying to find him. He was with Harrison. Recorded tape to tape – stuff for Crass. We left at 10. I got back at 10.30. Dunno what I did but it must’ve been good.
25th May 1984
Woke up. Got letter from Zoe. Photos returned – so I decided to take them back to Bernice. Went to Wimborne – she weren’t home. Went round town. Saw a few old faces but not Bernice. Went to Jim’s. They’d just left to go to Poole. Left photos at Jim’s. Came home. Went to Jez’s to get money he owed me. Went to Houldey’s. Good news. Kathryn will go out with me. I think I was supposed to ring her but I’m not sure. Came home. Rang Paul and Andy. There’s a gig tomorrow at the squat but I can’t go. Went to sleep.
26th May 1984
Woke up. Watched TV. Was going to go to Wimborne but couldn’t be fucked – too wet. Got petrol and paper. Finished another book – Tarotown. Watched England V Scotland (1-1). Started Beast on my wall. Went to Houdley’s, no one there apart from Mr. H. Came back. Started painting the Beast’s head. Finished at about 11.20 – looks fuckin’s superb. Pissed off cos I can’t get Kathryn’s phone number. Watched film – Harry In Your Pocket – good.
27th May 1984
Woke up 12.10. Did fuck all. Had a bath. (?) went to get cat for Lorna. Stewart gave my mum a fiver – I had £2. Ben came over. His mum took us to Jim’s. Jum’s old man took us down to Winton. Pissed around for an hour. Got tickets off Andy. Cinema was a pit. Takano – ok. COF – fuckin’ brilliant. Self Abuse – brilliant. Got chucked out of a pub. Mum collected us. Took Jim back. Ben stayed the night.
Transformation – 18th May 1984
Now you’ve come of age at last
It’s time now to forget your past
Keep your hair clean and fix your face
Now you are in your place
Nice, systematic, cool, controlled
I’m afraid I’m not that old
Nice….systematic….cool….controlled
Transformation
When you get old – time to change again
It’s a shame – there’s no remain – of your brain
Fair Enough – 15th May 1984
Some things I can stand
Some things I cannot
But you are just sitting there
Taking everything I’ve got
So I use my free speech
Make sure I have my say
But the media distorts my every word
So I can’t get away
I say it’s bad stuff
They say I say fair enough
Is it fair? Is it enough?
6th June 2023 – I feel like I was being an everyman with ‘the media distorts my every word.’ My own personal views were never represented in media but those I aligned with often were. I don’t think this was about a particular incident, or at least I can’t remember it now but a very vague generalisation.
*The Week That Was – 14th May 1984
Record of the week: New Model Army – Vengeance and Spirit of the Falklands (from Vengeance LP)
14th May 1984
Went to school. Did Office Practice – piss boring. Came home. Went down track. Came back. Did some drums. Took dog. Can’t remember anything else. Watched telly all night. Went to Houldey’s – everyone was there apart from Dandy. Came back. Watched Scully – fuckin’ ace – and Hill Street Blues.
15th May 1984
Got up 12. Went to Wimborne, saw everyone come out of school. Went to Simon’s – he was occupied with some bird. Came back. Went to Allenborne to see if Kathy was about. Came back. Read book. Had tez. Went to Jez’s. Had a decent game of snooker. (?) beat by one point 70-71. Came back. Watched Young Ones – better than last week. Doing more on wall. Went to sleep.
16th May 1984
Got up about 11. Started pissing and rode to school on moped. Had a H.E. exam which was shit. Got back, did this and that. Doing wall. Zoe rang. Had a fuckin’ shit talk. She started crying and hung up. Fuckin’ pissed me off. Went round Houldey’s – had a laugh. Went to sleep.
17th May 1984
Woke up 10. Went down track. Went to Wimborne on moped. Looked for Kathy. Vince and Rob looked at my bike. Came back. Pissed around doing this and that. Went over Jez’s. He told Roo he was chucked out of PCH. Had another decent game of snooker. Came back. Went to sleep.
18th May 1984
Managed to get up – but only just. Went in – R.E. (exam) – was fuckin’ shit. Christian this, Christian that. Wrote ten poems. Finished R.E. in half an hour. Went up Simon’s to get amp but he wasn’t in. Bought tons of grub. Went to Jez’s. Had a shit game of snooker. Jack Chickenshit being a cunt. Took Carly and Cilla back. Now I’m home.
19th May 1984
Jez came over. Went to Poole. He bought NMA. Got bass back. Scrounged money for a lead. Met these girls who gave us some fags. Came back. Went to Three Legged Cross to get my amp. Got Shirl’s amp. Pissed around. Shirl came round. He went. We did some more. Went to Houldey’s – no one there. Came back. Had tea. Did some more. Sharon and Zoe rang. Zoe was in a shit still. Pigs came round and did us for playing too loud. Went to Houldey’s. Beki and Dandy were swimming. Came back. Went back at 10.45. They came back. We came back home.
20th May 1984
Playing PCH til 3 and went to sleep. Got up 10.30-ish. Fixed my bike so Jez could get home. He went. I took dog. Went to Houldey’s. Beki was going with Mini somewhere. I came back. Took Mat’s amp back. Dandy was there. Walked back. Went to Jim’s – took Subhumans LP. Had some food. Watched Spitting Image. Cane back. Roads were a cunt. Went to sleep.
1994ever 