Month: April 2023

The Tree Bows To The Water – 30th April 2023

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Today is a party, tomorrow is a wake
That’s the way we all go, make no mistake
We’ll raise a fist to the big blue sky
And give a significance as to why
Some of us will bend and some of us will break

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good today though a little subdued due to it being a cloudy day. What is it about blue skies that make us feel happy?

Today I’m grateful for:

These Mentos soda mix candies that I chew on each evening for the last week. I love the mouthwatering fizz they give me. Can’t stop my sweet tooth.

The best thing about today was:

Eating a big juicy mango that I bought at the local market yesterday. It was so big that I got tired of eating it. I managed to eat it all though. I have another stashed away for tomorrow. They were just 38 baht for both.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Talking with Hayden again today and he was still down and depressed. I encouraged him as much as I could but worried a little about him. I texted with Bronwyn and hopefully, we can both guide him to getting past it again. Hayden is a sensitive person. Whatever the reason for his feelings and actions I have to try and help him.

Something I learned today?

I found out that the Internet Archive is being sued for copyright infringement. It looks like they violated some laws around books being copied and loaned digitally. I think they are in the wrong but at the same time, I don’t want their business to get affected as there are so many more worthwhile parts of their online presence such as the web archive and legitimate historic music and fanzine files.

What were the highlights of this past month?

There have only been lowlights this month, unfortunately. I look forward to having highlights again one day.

I miss you little Kim. I gave you all my love and affection and you gave me the same. Thank you.

Where To Hide? – 29th April 2023

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Where can I hide from you?
Your red and blue words cut
Angel face, honest and true
Harder to crack than a nut
Where can I hide from me?
My blue and red words cut
My cave mind unfair, unfree
Always stuck in my own nut
All that glitters is not gold
Our stories best left untold

Today I’m feeling:

Very relaxed feeling today so far. I feel like I got an unexpected holiday gifted to me.

Today I’m grateful for:

My curtains all around the house. Since Amy went back to Australia I keep most of the curtains drawn all day to try and stop the sunlight and heat getting in. I think in our next house we have to think more carefully about design to allow better airflow and insulation to keep heat out. If there ever is a next house.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying all the things I was reading from Substack articles about events in China, Dave Simspson’s book The Fallen about ex-members of the Fall and Michael Parkinson’s biography about his interviews with Muhammad Ali.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I called Hayden today and he was feeling down about things. He complained about his friends and how he feels they are treating him and also that he was feeling lonely. I was a little stuck with what to say and ended up saying that me and mum were far from good examples on how to make and maintain friendships and I felt a bit apologetic towards him. I tried to generalize things a bit and tell him that we often don’t have any idea what other people are dealing with so we have to forgive them and at the same time, we also have to be kinder to ourselves. I’m still trying to understand these things so he shouldn’t beat himself up about not knowing the best thing to do.  Although I couldn’t really help him at least he knows he has someone he can talk to.

Something I learned today?

I think I accidentally saw the result from today’s Swans match whilst looking around Youtube. I didn’t see a score but the picture and title were definitely pointing to a defeat. Oh well. I will still watch the match replay tomorrow morning and try and enjoy it!

What is my idea of fun?

These days I feel like I have no idea about fun. I’m happy and content but fun doesn’t play much of a part in my life right now. Perhaps the closest I get to the feeling is going on crazy bike rides or being with my students. I would love to be involved in concert organisation again but there’s just no chance of doing it locally and I’m slowly losing touch with what’s going on around southeast Asia too.

I took this picture as a follow-up to yesterday’s. It seems these flowers don’t burst open into bloom, they just wilt like this. They look like they are tired and gave up.

Morning Glory – 28th April 2023

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Remember, everything is going to be alright
Or else you’ll fill yourself up with spite
You may either inspire or sometimes bore me
Either way, I’m just telling myself a story

Today I’m feeling:

Feeling ok today. Not particularly enthusiastic about anything but not down on anything either.

Today I’m grateful for:

The last serving of Amy’s fake duck with rice from the freezer. I’ve managed to spread out all the meals she left for me for three months. I really love that she did that for me.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out I have another week off before heading back to school. Woohoo! I was sure we would start again on Monday but held out hope that it would be the following Monday and so it is!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I thought I would be taking Runa to the airport this evening for her flight back to Bangkok and around midday she called and asked if it was ok to come over at around 4 pm when her cousin would drop her off. Sure no problem. I was tired from getting up early again and couldn’t resist an afternoon snooze and when I woke up it was already 5 pm. I tidied up a little (a very little!) and went to do some watering by which time it was 6 pm and Runa called again saying she was still in the city and not to worry about taking her to the airport. Well, ok! This is Thailand and I’m used to this flexibility now and not bothered if it doesn’t really affect me too much. I’ve probably also learned not to put myself in situations where I may be reliant on people who are unreliable therefore avoiding any drama.

Something I learned today?

Amy met Nong May and her boyfriend Jay for dinner as they haven’t met up for 6 months or so. Amy told me they are suing one of their Dodee franchisees because they opened a second store out of contract and tried to hide it by altering the name and the colours of the logo.  I can’t imagine getting into something like that. It seems crazy to me. May’s family has gone through more drama than the BBC.

What is something I’d like to do for someone else?

I’m finding this tough to think of something specific and something applicable to right now. Usually, if I feel like doing something for someone it is not particularly planned. Of course, I do like to do things for Amy, my cats and my students but those are standard. It’s like when I track if I have complimented anyone today I always exclude Amy, my students and my baristas – it must be someone I don’t always compliment anyway.

I took this picture because suddenly this cactus sprouted these flowers. I’m not sure if they bloom and open up but I’ll find out in the next day or two.

Idle Idol – 27th April 2023

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He’s a girl and she’s a boy
Both of them a producers toy
Under makeup and bright lights
The manufactured product fights
A name that is soon forgotten
A past that’s found to be rotten
Fans are either for or against
It’s impossible to sit on the fence
If there are brains behind the mask
Showing it may be too much to ask
Flooded with undeserved affection
Failing to pass closer inspection
So idols get what they deserve
A fame that is unable to preserve
And so idle under adulation
Until another steps up to the station

Today I’m feeling:

Ok. My neck is super sore from not moving it much for a month. I did a mini warm-up this morning and will try to make it a little longer each day to prepare for my usual wake-up routine. I know this makes me feel better but just can’t motivate myself during the holiday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding salad today at the walking market. It was pretty good though a little different to the one I usually get. For some reason, I’ve been wanting for salad recently. I think my normal seller may have given up because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Business is tough out there and everyone is trying to make their baht.

The best thing about today was:

Cap has spent most of the day with me and I’ve been grooming him and cutting his dreadlocks. His hair feels gorgeous again as does Tig’s, I think because of the special gel that we used to feed Kim to help counter her leukaemia.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I don’t feel there was anything today. If there was something I must have handled it without thinking and accepted it as reality.

Something I learned today?

I came across a video to help getting students to quiet down and concentrate in the classroom. I’m thinking I will try the Simon Says technique where I can bring the whole class back to focus by saying ‘Simon says stand up’ and the kids paying attention will do it and the kids that aren’t will want to know what’s going on. I also need to drill them with this in the first week so they get used to it. I hope I have better control this year. Over myself and the students.

What is my favourite photo of the past month?

With the bad air and the tragic start to this month, my mind focused a lot on pictures of Kim and they still make me sad to look at. But looking through the pictures I can see that there are still some nice ones there. Ones I will appreciate in time.

I took this picture because I took a few detours on the way home from Utopia and fresh growth smells were returning to perfume the air. But this picture shows the devastation across the mountains from fire. I don’t think these would have been burned deliberately but more likely from other small fires getting out of control.

No Readers – 26th April 2023

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Just a recording, a memory
A gentle nudge to remind
One day in the future
I’ll look back and find
No readers were here to see
What these words meant to me
In another time and place
Some comments will be made
Either an idiot in the making
Or a compliment to be paid
Either way, it’s all good
And no readers misunderstood

Today I’m feeling:

A little tired. I’ve been waking up before my alarm, though unable to stir myself out of bed, as my mind is slowly getting around the fact that it’s back to work again next week. I’m starting to feel the stress and tension, my mind anticipating obstacles in the class. Self-preparation for self-preservation.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to park illegally at the airport as no one cares that much about it. It’s surprisingly busy here even though it’s 8 pm.

The best thing about today was:

I struggled through getting my head around a lesson plan and how, when and why I would use it. At least I could do this whilst sipping good coffee and watching people coming and going. I pushed on until finished and was quite happy with the result in the end.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It seemed Runa was going to stay around the city rather than near home so figured I wouldn’t need to pick her up at the airport but then she called just before getting on her flight and asked if I was ok to pick her up and that’s ok with me.  Runa is never on time for anything and it’s already 29 minutes after her flight has landed. I can imagine her still sitting on the plane trying to get organised to get off. She cracks me up but I don’t need the drama that comes along with her chaotic life.

Something I learned today?

Again I don’t feel like I really learned much useful. I watched Netflix and comedy on YouTube. Trying to keep my mood up rather than go deep into anything.

I took this picture because all our different frangipani trees are blooming. Big bunches of flowers get blown off in storms but each year there’s more and more. I love to see old frangipani trees. Ours are still young but I hope to see them old one day.

Sitting Still – 25th April 2023

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There’s not a sound about
No electricity on the hill
I’m sitting still

A brain that has quieted
With no thoughts to fill
I’m sitting still

Contemplating how much longer
With only time to kill
I’m sitting still

As days speed up, I slow down
Swallowing a bitter pill
I’m sitting still

Time is the only master
And I have to pay the bill
I’m sitting still

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from staying up late and then getting up early as I slowly train myself for 6:15 am starts again next week.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lady at the market stall who gave me an extra mango today. It’s mango season and they are juicy and delicious.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing the Brix Smith and Jack Dee biographies. Both were good easy reads as I visualised their lives unfolding. New books to start! 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’d been checking out my flights to Australia on the Airasia website and was ready to book on Sunday night. I sent the itinerary to Amy to double check but she was drunk and replied ‘I’ve got no brain.’ No problem, I can just figure it out on Monday. And that’s what I went to do. The problem this time was that somehow I didn’t have enough credits left to cover the costs. I assumed it was something to do with cached data from going through the process the day before but investigating further I found that my credit had expired in the 12 hours since first looking! Damn it! Oh well, what can I do?

Something I learned today?

Our Sydney friend Runa will visit a relative in Chiang Rai for a couple of days. It seems typical of her that we only find out a day before she arrives. Never organised or good at planning or decision-making. I’m ok to pick her up from the airport if she needs.

What went well today?

Everything went as expected. There was nothing in particular that needed to go well and there was nothing that usually happens that didn’t go well. Not all days are like this.

Art took this picture because this has been my morning home at Utopia for the whole month of April.

Hostage – 24th April 2023

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Held against your will
Trapped by all your thoughts
Your only getting out
Is getting out of sorts
Surrounded by a wall
Scared to be confined
A gun to the head
Made within your mind

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good again today though it’s a little disappointing that it’s the last week of the holiday already.

Today I’m grateful for:

The shop in the market selling fried fish with mango, rice and nam-jhim. I was hoping to find the salad stall people but I haven’t seen them for a while now. After walking around the normal market I then went down to the walking market and was feeling disappointed but almost as I was about to leave I spotted this favourite small meal.

The best thing about today was:

Replying to Sharon’s email from a few days ago. I caught her up on my news and reread her recent emails to remind myself what she and her family have been up to. As I told her I hope Amy and I can get back there for a trip again sometime.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

See below. The issue I’m having may be an operating system mismatch and there’s not much I can do about that.

Something I learned today?

This isn’t something I learned but something I want to learn and that is understanding how iCloud works across multiple devices. I haven’t really been able to figure it out at all. As I’m writing I’ve done a YouTube search and will check out done videos to see if that helps.

After an hour watching and fiddling around I’m a little wiser but still have a problem with getting files onto the Air. It looks like a bug because it makes no sense. It may also be a time issue ie I have to wait so I’ll check it tomorrow.

What moment from my past would I like to relive?

All of it. Relive it all with the wisdom I have now. If only.

I took this picture because Tangmo hadn’t been around for a week or so and I was beginning to think something bad had happened to him. He randomly and nonchalantly rocked up when I came home from Utopia though and enjoyed some rubs and snacks.

Teen Queen – 23rd April 2023

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When I was a teenage drag queen
And trying to find my way
I always left a big impression
Whatever anyone would say
Dressed to the nines in sequins
With fingernails scrubbed quite clean
Everyone said ‘There he goes’
And they all knew where I had been
A bar full of brutish sailors
Would never give me pause
No matter the unspoken rules
I lived by my own laws

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good today. It makes a difference being able to see the stupa and the mountains clearly again. 

Today I’m grateful for:

The Air Asia credits that I have from the cancelled flights from 2020 due to the pandemic. That should cover all my flight costs to and from Australia in October.

The best thing about today was:

Finding that roof managed to stay secure with the blocks I put up there yesterday. It survived last night’s storm. Some of our cactuses didn’t though.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Around 8 pm a bug kept bothering me as I was watching tv. Then Amy called, drunk and happy with friends new and old in Adelaide. I got up as we were talking and realized there wasn’t just one bug but 10s of them and then more and more as I looked around. They were hatching, mating and dying all in about 15 minutes.
Amy was trying to drunkenly talk with me but I had to hang up and deal with this invasion which was soon joined by ants too. I found them around the window frame either trying to get in or trying to get out, it was hard to tell.
I grabbed the ant spray and frantically sprayed around, choking on the fumes. I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and began mopping up the now hundreds of carcasses scattered around the floor. I sprayed perfume and lit candles in an effort to make the air breathable again but now, an hour later, there’s still the acid taste of bug spray in the air. I think I got the most of them but I think there will be more vacuuming required in the morning. Bug attack – first of the season.

Something I learned today?

I feel like I learned a lot of things today but all of them inconsequential. The equivalent of gossip or just information that has no effect on my life. I should focus my attention on things that might be more useful but that also requires more energy.

What is a long-term goal I have for the next 5 or 10 years?

Amy is in Adelaide at the moment visiting Jess after Jess had an operation. Amy is keen to move there sometime in our future. I’m ok with that at some point. Adelaide is relatively quiet but still has nice things around for an old man to enjoy. This can’t happen until both Cap and Tig have gone. Even though I enjoy being here in Thailand I know Amy can never convince herself to stay here and we both would like to be together. My guess is that this plan will likely be in the next five to ten years as I think our cats have another five years in them at least. If I think about it now though I still feel like I only just got here!

I took this picture because this beautiful-looking cactus was another victim of last night’s storm.

No Path To Power – 22nd April 2023

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It’s just another Jarrow Crusade
Ignored by those in power
Backed by a whole class of people
Whose life has gone sour
The change will slowly come
Too late for those affected
The masses’ message manipulated
Ignored and rejected
The power is not with good people
Whose members swell the ranks
But held by the precious few
Who own the guns and tanks
As your protest heads down the street
Always remember your way home
Before that’s taken from you too
And you’re left to seethe alone
You’re either with us or against us
Left conquered when divided
Along the path of least resistance
Your own future will be decided

Today I’m feeling:

A little more positive today. I’m liking that I can’t remember what day it is but that will all change soon.

Today I’m grateful for:

Electricity. After 4 hours without it last night I thought it wasn’t too bad but then realised I was still able to use my phone and iPad as they still had charge. If they had run out I don’t think I would’ve been so happy.

The best thing about today was:

Almost finishing the flashcard sorting. I could’ve finished it but as I find this kind of task enjoyable I want to stretch it out one more day. Next, I have to integrate their use into my lessons and hopefully, the students find them useful.

(I couldn’t resist and finished them off so now the island in the dining room is relatively clear again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

First thing this morning I stepped on Amy’s thin folding mattress on the floor and under my foot was wet. Argh! It felt like a full bladder of piss had been dispensed. I picked it up and hung it outside in the sun, having to also take the rug too as it had seeped through to that as well. Good morning!

Something I learned today?

In some street interviews, many young Chinese people assumed America has high-speed rail because it’s America so they must have it.

Write about a memorable experience from this past week.

The coming of the rain and the destructive storms. The rain was good, the destruction not.

I took this picture because this was the result of the storm last night. I threw some more breeze blocks up there and climbed up and tried to get the sheet back in place but that wasn’t possible. Even though it was only 10 am everything up on the roof was already burning hot. I was also nervous up there as there was a lot of flex in the frame in the middle of the roof. I did my best and placed the six blocks strategically but I think it still may not be enough if the wind really whips through again.

No Sacrifices – 21st April 2023

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Hey boys, the war is over
Even though it wasn’t won
There will be no spoils to share
But it definitely is done
No more letters to the front
Or eating rations in the mud
All the winners are losers
With the spilling of their blood
The rules of engagement
And decisions to be made
Must be around a table
And no sacrifices paid

Today I’m feeling:

I’m ok today but not that excited. It’s nice to have reasonably breathable air again even though the smoke is filling in the gaps again after being blown around yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Candles and tea lights (see below). Also, Febreeze (again) as Tigger decided to spray the sofa where Cap sits which is right next to where I sit.

The best thing about today was:

I watched a movie today and also listened to some music. I wasn’t overly impressed with either but it’s a sign of a slow return to normality. I also received an email from Sharon which I wasn’t so surprised about as I had already been thinking about my mum when I remembered it was her birthday yesterday and that was also the reason for her email. I still haven’t replied to her one from Christmas so I’ll get on that this week. Hopefully, I’ll get back to the UK to see Sharon and family again one day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Another fairly violent storm rolled through between six and seven pm knocking out power to the whole village, maybe even further. The breeze block holding down the roof failed and I managed to get another up so had two now holding it down. It sounded like they failed too but I couldn’t tell yet as it was now totally dark. I found a few candles and there’s a nice breeze blowing through the now-open windows. It’s been four hours now and I’ve been reading on my iPad and contemplating trying to sleep. However, the rain has stopped and the temperature is likely to rise to unbearable even during the early hours. Hopefully, someone is out there trying to untangle wires.

Something I learned today?

Looks like this power outage is extensive as even my phone has no service. I write this because I usually look back at what YouTube videos I’ve watched to see if I might’ve learned anything. Now I’m going to have to test my short-term memory.

As I’m laying here thinking I realise that I am learning the sound of the night. No buzzing transformers, the hum of machines on stand-by, pumps pushing water and no doof doof from garaged PAs or the nightclub. It’s Friday night and an occasional frog and cricket is having a brief discussion. Otherwise, all I can hear now is the loud ringing in my ears.

What am I most proud of myself for accomplishing this week?

I’ve managed to keep Amy’s indoor plants alive (just about), my remaining two cats alive and myself alive. That’s an accomplishment. I just continue with what I’m doing. Things will never be completed, they will just stop when I drop dead. Accomplishments? Little things get crossed off little mental lists and when that final day comes will I have accomplished anything? ‘Here lies Shaun, finally accomplished nirvana.’

But I do carry a little pride in what I do.

I took this picture because it shows our roof trying to take off and drenching our cactuses in our entertainment area during the storm yesterday. Another is forecast today but there’s no sign of it so far.