I wanted this to be the real thing
I wanted it to finally be the real discipline
The discipline
That I had been so well preparing myself for
I needed something to be real
I saw all things
I saw all people around me
Falling apart
Caving in
I needed the discipline
I asked myself how long
I was going to live this lie
How long was I going to let myself down
And blame someone else
Finally, I kicked through the wall
It was like a junky
Busting through the scar tissue
That keeps him from hitting
It was like slashing through the womb
With your teeth
Lies make me weak
It’s the lies that are killing me
The lack of discipline
I was killing myself and I didn’t even see it
I couldn’t even feel it
The dead painless days are over
10th Aug 2024 – I’m guessing that I had been reading a lot of Henry Rollins around this time and was struggling a little bit.
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