Waking up, never sure I am me
Wondering today just who I will be
Sometimes you do not want to be controlled
You make me do all the things that I’m told
You whisper those dark secrets in my ear
Directing me through prejudice and fear
I try to blank you out, please go away!
I try to yank you out, but you will stay
Like a dog barking at the thinnest air
I’m talking to someone who isn’t there
A living being conjured in my brain
An agent I must practice to restrain
You’re taking over, no longer to wait
I cannot hold it so I accept my fate
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for this time at school without having to teach. It’s very relaxing and really helps me wind down.
It’s a dull, dark day today – feels like England. My eyes feel heavy and whilst not being at all unhappy, some of the joy seems to have been sucked out of everything I’ve done. Though I did just have a good chat with Dylan, which sees me writing this now, after 4pm, when I could be heading home.
Not much of any import occurred today. I did a lot of reading and avoided people, mostly. As I said to Dylan, the avoidance is not out of discomfort or anything about other people but when you are around people here at school, you tend to get roped into doing things.
Perhaps worse than that is being told you have something to do and getting tensed up about it and then changing minds have you not doing it in the end. An anxiety for nothing. Of course, it would be better to learn to deal with it without having anxiety but this avoidance works well too. Where I can quietly read and write as I please.
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