“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
Essential for self-knowledge
There’s a need to be negative
A freeing natural balance
A brain made regenerative
To be relentlessly positive
Is as toxic as its reverse
The bright days shine brighter
When we get through the worst
You have no responsibility to live up to someone else’s expectation of you.
James Clear
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have a day off and go to Doi Chang today with Amy’s family.
We got some blowback afterwards, but so what? We won.
Brad Blakeman, Republican operative
28 Sep 2022 – Most quotes I find are affirmations of a sort, but this one is a reminder of how corrupt people can be, doing anything to win.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the cat massage Kim gave me this morning when I went to see her in her room. Then we rubbed noses and cuddled until she got distracted and ran off.
A busy time coming up and my head is full of things. Good things though. Not feeling stressed about anything except for maybe overloading myself with too much. Nothing serious though – I just have so much I want to do in a day and it doesn’t really matter if I don’t get to do them.
I went to Central to look for a diary but couldn’t find anything suitable, so opeted to get another notebooks that I didn’t really need but felt compelled to buy after having made the effort to go there.
The omicron covid variant is dirsupting Amy’s thoughts about travelling and may change her plans. I think if she doesn’t go in January then she won’t be able to go until after my next visa is completed. I think she’ll make a decision in the next couple of weeks, carefully watching the numbers and decisions Australia makes about travel.
I’m about to rush back to school for a quick meeting with some selected grade 8 students to do some extra work on producing TED-Ed presentations in the future. Let’s see how it goes. I will go sit in the school cafe later and write some more. Right now – let’s see if I can spit outa poem for today!
Back again. Met with the students. It is painfully obvious the difference between those in M2/9 and those in M2/10 and M2/11. Those in M2/9 have confidence and feel that they can do things. The others – not so much but I really hope they don’t quit out of fear of failure. It’s a great opportunity for them to learn and grow, work with new students and make new friends.
I know sometimes, when I was that age, I would just give up. I know how they must feel. I also know that I would have benefited by changing my mindset and giving it a go. I’ll try my best to keep encouraging them.
I had hoped that Champ would be here to help reassure them and kicking myself a little by not explaining things clearly enough. Hindsight. That’s why I sent out a message of encouragement with a Thai translation. I hope I can keep up the momentum I’m feeling and don’t get dragged down by the setbacks.
What is difficult about being your age?
I’m half-jokingly thinking to myself that it sucks that I have the confidence (and lack of caring about the outcome) to talk to anyone now. Especially to pretty girls. Why I couldn’t do it when I was younger is annoying to think about! But it’s not really a difficulty of my current age.
The only thing that really sticks out is the obvious one of aching body parts. Constant sore neck, tender shoulder blades, sore wrists, and painful left foot. As I never really exercised much when I was younger, my muscles have all learned bad habits that may be difficult to reverse now. As with my initial thoughts, perhaps all I’m really feeling is regret – something that I consciously try to avoid or not consider.
At whatever age we are, we probably all want to be 5 years old again, without many a care in the world. So perhaps that is what is difficult – the inability to be a 5-year-old. Seeing things with a greater sense of wonder. It seems to require a greater effort to achieve that as you age.
I am a serious person these days. I’m happy like that. I can’t not care about things, so sometimes that is a little difficult to accept.
Mangled from a Milan Kundera quote
The people with the most potential are the ones who know they have a lot to learn.
Adam Grant
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for taking the time yesterday to do 15,000 steps yesterday. My hips and legs, ankles and feet are feeling it this morning!
I feel an urge to go buy some cheap diaries. Austin Kleon, inspiring yet again, writes a quote he enjoys each day into one of his diaries. I guess I’ve been doing something similar already, with writing a poem each day and often directly quoting things I read. Still, I have the urge to buy more cool things to write on! A trip to B2S tomorrow!
Leaving school yesterday, there was an accident on the bridge over the river, which, of course, messed everything up, traffic-wise. I got to enjoy listening to the No Means No Thing podcast for a bit longer so that was a bonus. I got to Bruno’s late and we shot off to the same walking track as last week and walked around until the sun set and the blur lights of Bangkok Hospital shone out in the distance, below the hills.
I can tell Bruno is thinking about things quite deeply as he comes up with quite philosophical questions, connected with our places and our time in life. An enjoyable exercise to press mind and body (him with a fractured foot no less!) and breathe deep the cleaner air around the quiet areas of woods, fields and water. Even saw a squirrel – my first in Thailand!
I ended up walking 15,000 steps and today my feet, hips and calves are feeling it. I thought I would sleep well after that walk but I got back to thinking about new cool things to do with the students until I remembered one of the articles I read about putting noisy thoughts on a TV in another room and just letting them chatter away in there instead. It ended up working though I woke up again before my alarm clock and spent a while tossing and turning, hoping to get back into a deep sleep again. I briefly contemplated not getting up with my alarm but pushed through and as soon as I stood in the bathroom, despite the aching body, I felt pretty great.
Oh – Bruno said to me something that surprised me. He said he thought I was a good listener. I don’t really consider myself to be but I think he meant more in the context that I try not to judge and try to consider what people say and don’t just jump in and say something is right or wrong. I hope I do that, so it was nice to hear that from someone. I have tried to make an effort to speak less and listen more when possible.
What do you like about being your age?
I sure like the wisdom that comes with age. My definition of wisdom, of course. With experience comes learning. It’s kinda weird to consider that as a teenager, people thought that I was mature but I think that mostly manifested on the outside. The inside was a troubled little boy searching for a happiness that didn’t seem to exist, jealous of those immature on the outside yet happy inside.
I chose not to fit in because it bored me. I made life difficult for myself but now that those difficulties have passed, I have learned so much about myself.
I don’t usually think about my age when I think about myself. I guess when you discover someone’s age, you can find a convenient box that you can expect them to be in. I guess many people feel the same about themselves – that their age doesn’t put them in any box.
It seems to me, though, that I don’t act as if I’m 54 years old, as people think I am much younger. Just like other people I know who are younger than me appear to act much older. I put that down to the expected norms of age to close-mindedness, perhaps contentment and an attitude of not having anything else to learn. My mind is still open.
Although I seemingly have strong opinions, I am not so confident in them that they can’t be changed and that it’s ok if they do change after new experiences. I think I don’t like or dislike my age. It’s out of my control.
You’re never going to get to the end
But the end will find its way to you
No matter how hard you try to cross the list
Find satisfaction in whatever you do
I wish I’d thought more about how it is to live.
Cecelia, Through A Glass Darkly by Jostein Gaarder
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Dylan for giving Amy and me some homemade Baileys for Christmas. It reminded me to give him the shirts that no longer fit me in return.
Yesterday, Champ told me that students will be in school full-time again next week. This made me revise my plans for my classes and last night I posted a short video asking my students to ask me anything and in this morning’s class, I got the students to make and send a video question, which was a welcome break for them and they enjoyed messing around with video filters.
It also, unsurprisingly to me, highlighted a lot of the students’ deficiencies when it comes to thinking and speaking! But that’s ok, I think I will incorporate more work like this to be included on the school’s English Program page.
I’m also looking forward to having the students back here full-time again, as switching between at-school and at-home study week by week is challenging for me and even more so for the kids. I don’t know how long they will keep kids in school, though. If another wave of Covid comes, which it surely will, everything may change again.
I don’t want to wish time away but I am looking forward to a proper holiday, proper as in not working – no plans to go anywhere, without thinking about school.
This afternoon, I will drop by Bruno’s and go for a quick hike somewhere close by. Need to work off some of the pizza and beer weight I put on this week. Doing 30 sit-ups twice a day now. Need to be careful with my back, though; my abs are still not strong enough.
And you’re so desperate to see the lights that you don’t dare think about what’s going on in the dark.
from Troubled Souls by Garth Ennis and John McCrea
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to Baew and Mee for bringing Amy home safe and sound last night after their Christmas Party. They are good friends.
Prepare for adversity! It seems the school is attempting to stop teachers from leaving the school again, so I may have to concede my coffee time at House, at least for a while. OK – I know I will have to accept this for now. Let’s see how we go! I’m writing this because I know I can get myself worked up about it because it’s dumb. I get much more work done when I am at House. Anyway, anyway, anyway.
Yesterday afternoon and evening I really enjoyed a very chill day watching TV and reading. My eyes got tired and a little kratom put my body and mind into a blissful transition towards a fabulous, long, deep sleep.
I feel refreshed today and will start resetting my alarm back 5 minutes every day or two until I get back to 6.10 or 6.00 and get back on the abs regimen. The pizza and beer on the weekend saw a weight increase of 800g but I think I’ll be back under 76.5 again soon. Still heading towards that 75kg goal I set a while back but really now I’m more concerned with getting the last of the fat off my belly and chest.
Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?
I feel young for my age, about 20 years behind, maybe even 30! I was thinking the other day about George and me being comfortable around younger people, but I think for very different reasons. For George, he is easily able to control younger people around him. They look up to him as a guide, as I once did too.
For me, I am comfortable around younger people (not necessarily young, I’m talking about up to Amy’s age) because I find them inspiring for myself. As I watch them growing, I understand more about myself. Their energies and excitements, filled with curiosity, are exciting to me. Perhaps it makes me feel somewhat superior and that is an ego boost but this is not a conscious thing. Yes, I can see where people are heading towards mistakes but I also see them find their way out of them too.
As with everyone, it is not just about age. I can see many teenagers and 20-year-olds who do not inspire or enthuse, just as I can find others older than me, still growing and learning. For me, this is a life well spent.
Am I in step with my peers? Well, I find it difficult to identify my peers. Who are they? It can’t just be people my age. And living here in Thailand, maybe still finding peers (local? farang?) blurs things further.
The auntie across the road told Amy that she couldn’t believe that I was older than her husband. We’ve never talked but she said that my actions are of a much younger person. I dunno, I get pleasure out of playing with their dog and sometimes their cat and I’m generally doing things at a more speedy pace than the locals. It’s not just a physical thing.
But again, there are some things I generally don’t like to do, things I consider may be making a fool of myself! Interesting to think about what we decide constitutes making fools of ourselves. I still won’t sing karaoke unless I’m drunk! Why is it ok then? Haha – I don’t know!
Make your own bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see the beautiful sunset over the cloudy mountains at Singha Park yesterday. The view was lovely and filled with warmth.
As I’m getting to the bottom of the bottle of weed tincture that I got off Matt, the effects are getting stronger. Today, Amy is off with her friends to celebrate Christmas, leaving me this opportunity to be home alone and get a little high..
Singha Park yesterday seems like weeks ago right now. In the end, I ate too much despite not finishing a third can of Wild Rose, drank too much. My stomach just couldn’t take it. I realised it soon after that the beer was just too gassy. I burped and farted the drive home. I took a minute at the park and savoured a divine moment watching the sunset to the clouds on the mountains. As the clouds were moving, the sun would peak out again and it felt like a special surprise and a secret message meant just for me. I’ll hold it in my memory more than any photo I could’ve taken as a reminder.
This morning has been righteous, with two good coffees and a few more pages of the Slash biography read. It has been interesting to me to see how their band worked (as people, not as musicians), think about how my bands worked and wonder how everyone deals with it differently.
I updated more blog posts and listened to the ..? album to write a review and that was fun, and the start of reviewing my CD collection – an impossible task, I know, and already this morning I could think of at least ten different, other, things I could be doing. This is life and I’m loving it.
..? – …! – CD review
I had downloaded this album back when I was living in Sydney and as I did with a few different albums I enjoyed, I burned them to CD and printed a cover and pretended they were the real thing. So something must have struck me about this album at the time but in all honesty, I have probably never listened to it since. I would venture to say that this album is more than 10,000 other album downloads ago by now!
Searching for this band (…?) and album (…!) is not google-friendly, to say the least. Luckily some of the track titles enabled me to find a little information that this was actually a one-man recording project and the music is described as avant-metal. 16 songs in 26 minutes apparently. Appealing to my short attention span.
Let’s see how it sounds on this slow, tired Sunday morning.
Goodnight, Folks
It’s a cartoon intro and vocals that recall Pentti Dassum from Deep Turtle. Ah yes, I can hear what pulled me into this. The first minute or so actually recalls a few Finnish bands such as Keukhot and Y.U.P. before a half-minute Darth Vegas/Mr Bungle bomp-a-long. Obviously, an ironically titled introduction that has me curious. I’m expecting the beginning of the next track to be bombastic.
The Band of Bald Mountain
Well, only for a second, a big booming crescendo before wandering off and then careering through all sorts of genres, this definitely has me smiling behind my serious lips. I like this middle section that hangs around for a relatively long chunk of time, until the end in fact. I like that balance and transition, from the crazed to the more straightforward and especially like the fact it doesn’t go back into zaniness as may have been expected.
One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten
Haha, this is a high-octane counting song that would be on my dream Sesame Street. The transition into single snare hits about three-quarters of the way through is very cute. The lyrics though… Well, I guess they are easy to remember. A favourite so far though.
3-2-3
More counting? It’s ominous, booming, and Emerson Lake and Palmer have arrived, then Slayer and it’s on. Fuck yeah. Yes, it’s that cartoon thrash that has been heard many times before, BUT, because it is cartoon thrash it’s never the same and I marvel at the musical dexterity of it all.
Moe and Mumbles
Ah-ha. The gypsy thrash song! And…..there’s the Simpsons theme tune thrown in for a couple of bars for good measure. Impossible not to smile at but feels a little filler here.
Tear Out My Eyes
What is this main riff, lifted from – it sounds familiar? I’m digging the pace of this one, a jaunty thing…oh – double speed and I’m turning the volume and pumping my imaginary double kick drums. And it’s over before I could even finish writing the first sentence. Dug.
Hello, Oh, Sweetheart
Is this the interlude? A show tune of sorts. It’s brief and serves as an intro to the following tune.
Mitch, The Bastard Id
Nice bass tone, nice guitar tone, this punks along before speeding off. Like a twisted cowboy song, the rhythm feels like horse riding. Weirdly, I think this is the first tune that has a repeated section before scattering itself all over the place. It’s good music, so why not?
Peeping Toms Make Good Spies
Yes, spy movies are brought to mind here, at least at the beginning. I like music when I have no idea where it is going. Of course, I also like music that is more conventional but I think I like to work a little when listening. I like things that most people would find testing. I’m gonna listen to this one again, right now.
Damn Gypsies
Gypsy? In a ska way. In a punk-ska way. Great chorus and again the pace is compelling. This is actually the most conventional song so far. I want to sing along and punch the air.
The Charmer – The Torture
A slow down, another interlude tune. Good to give the ears a little break from the nonsense-circus-core. Haha….and then…..great. Perfect. Yes – kill me!
Subservient Girlfriend
This intro reminds me of DI. A faster So-Cal classic punk bounce around which a swirling synth before a mad chorus that I wish I could hear the lyrics more clearly.
Siblings
OK – well, lyrically this one is straightforward and clearly understood. Sibling love.
Fireworks Away
A great speedy tune with uplifting tunes and some sweet percussion tingly away in the background. I’m liking that this one maintains a steady beat and not pounding off into double-time death metal mayhem. Another favourite.
X
Fuck, this recording is very nice, probably lots of time poured over each sound. I like that the distorted guitars are cut so cleanly into each section. Not attracted to this middle-end section breakdown but as with music like this, it’s not usually long before a change comes along.
Mania Love
Well, those recording cuts are even more overplayed at the beginning here. And I’m loving it. This farts around all over the place wildly and every moment is genius or thereabouts. And farts is the word as this crazy fun album blows off back onto the shelf for now.
That was a rad listen and I will check it again. I think the album has been looked over as it exists at spot #1 in my collection and so is not easily seen. Perhaps I should move to the D section (for dot).
Favourite track right now is ‘One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten’, I’m thinking purely because I have an idea how the lyrics go!
adapted from a LitHub article about Curtis Mayfield
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our palm trees, whose fronds Tangmo really loves to play with when they have fallen to the ground.
A pleasant morning, waking without an alarm and inspired enough to get back to the abs regime. I’ve just been doing two sets of 25 sit-ups a day, sticking my feet under the lounge as leverage. I’m hoping my muscles eventually become strong enough to pull my body up without having to use my legs.
Amy has been baking carrot cake as Christmas gifts and we first took one to Art at Utopia, which was enjoyed and they rewarded me with an awesome new coffee blend from Melbourne. Then, to Cafe With No Name to drop off their cake.
Back now for relaxing lunch and reading my first Samuel Beckett, which I now understand Sean Hughes’ fascination with. Looking at my book shelves, there are just so many great books I have that I can’t wait to read.
This evening we are off to Singha Park with Amy’s parents for a family Christmas dinner.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my wheat bag and microwave to help me with my aching neck. It’s a comfort more than a help.
Now that the winter solstice has passed, it already feels as if the sun rises much earlier and the weather a degree or two warmer. The inertia of this rolling planet is building into the next storm of heat.
I talked with Amy last night about stopping work again and she joked (maybe) about in ten months, after the new laptop I’ve ordered is paid off. I only actually need the laptop for work. If I weren’t working then the computer I have would be fine. Anyway, I would love to stop working in ten months time – if not sooner!
I would miss the kids so much though and I would definitely miss watching them grow and develop into adults. Whatever they choose to do with their lives.
Tomorrow we will go with Amy’s parents to Singha Park to eat pizza. Maybe I’ll have a beet. That’s my Christmas!
I read an interesting interview yesterday from a blog called Oldster – talking to people about how they feel and deal with getting older. I am thinking about the same kind of things. The questions and the interviewees’ answers were very interesting. I thought I should try and interview myself and answer the questions here.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I think I really only associate myself with me as am now. Sometimes I remember things I’ve done and they feel like they happened to someone else. Like a movie or a dream.
There are two points in my life that profoundly impacted me and those memories are clear and strong but they feel like they happened to a different version of me (which they did, really). I can’t be that person again or would even want to be but I do feel nostalgic for the pleasant feeling I had during those times, which felt few and far between as they were happening during my teenage years. That is my first age (nostalgic age).
I was a ball of contradictory confusion. I was often miserable and uncertain about anything. Then I was also looking for happiness and was confident in my selfishness. I wouldn’t wish to go through those times again, except with the wisdom I have now.
The other age in my mind is from meeting Bronwyn around 1992 until around 2002. That age was really what I would say built on my foundations of youth. It wasn’t really until I came out of that that I truly discovered who I am. I’m still not always happy with that person but I found acceptance through all my experiences.
So these two stages are really my main growth stages and they stick out to me for that reason. Now, I feel that I am in a constant state of growth and it is not so much defined by a specific time. In my mind, I am still an adventurous 20-year-old as a somewhat wiser 54-year-old.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the technology that means we can video call our friends around the world. It’s a far cry from the dial phones I grew up with.
Last night, Amy and I had a long video and audio call with Aing in Bangkok. She was down and confused about her future and I learned a little bit about Amy as we talked. About myself too.
I was conscious of not just putting my ideas forward or just telling what I would do because I can’t really put myself into her situation exactly. Amy and I both listened more than talking, asking questions where appropriate.
Then Amy gave her some good advice. Aing felt better after this and we will try and help her as much as we can. She is a smart young lady with lots of potential. We would like to see her achieve her dreams rather than going along with what satisfies other people.
Amy and I talked more about it afterwards and she has a method in this kind of situation, which I didn’t really realise that I was doing too. That is to let the person talk and to listen carefully before offering any advice. Be sympathetic before a solution provider. Amy is very good at this. George too. I am getting better at it and try more these days to put myself in someone else’s shoes as much as possible.
Sometimes other people’s problems put more perspective into mine. Mine are all in my head. In fact, I would say most problems are just there. I try to put everything into categories of what I can control and what I can’t. That usually leads me to the way to the solution. Controlling my thoughts is the constant practice for the rest of my life.
Mangled from the titular chapter of The Broken Wings by Khalil Gibran and inspired by the attached picture of an old student of mine. I read this chapter and saw the picture on the same day and combined, they both took me back to enjoy that soft sick feeling in the stomach and chest of teenage love.
3rd Mar 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Colour Challenge
16th Aug 2024 – Submitted to dVerse OLN
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that from today the daylight hours will get longer again. I say this as I saw the sun appear above the mountain this morning filling the sky with its orange light.
I’m anxious and overthinking again at the moment. I need to overcome this feeling somehow. Yesterday I talked with Champ and I could feel he understood my frustrations with school but it became obvious that if anything happens down the line, such as more complaints from the parents, then he will not support me. Not necessarily by choice but just to protect himself. This is kinda disappointing really but I guess it shows me where I stand.
I think I’ll make some changes with some small things in my life again to give me back more of a feeling of control again. I feel not strong enough to support my own beliefs, not arrogant enough to feel superior, not flexible enough to bend to the will of others.
The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.
There’s something to be said for thoughtless manual labour. Weak. Time feels like it’s running away but it’s not real – why am I insisting on making it real? Is this my midlife crisis? Gotta self-talk my way out of it.
1994ever 