Month: January 2022

The Struggle – 21st January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Heartbreak is an old friend
Let the constant struggle kill you
Advice you don’t want to hear
Will make your life’s meaning clear

This is a process, not an event
Never gain what you wish for
Make it clear in your mind
There’s no thing for you to find

The poverty that I should be concerned and is the hardest for me, is that of giving up my own plans, ideas, opinions and dreams.

Vivian Warren

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to find the catch for my wallet. It was in the pocket of my purple pants.

We changed our beds around last night – another attempt to try and sleep without fucking up our necks. We flipped the mattresses to the hard side and my neck is pretty good but I woke up often having to switch sides as my down side armlost feeling. I switched a lot, though slept deeply in between.

Got up quickly and worked my legs – which was a little tougher than expected. Felt good afterwards though and threw in a quick meditation which I want to try and do every day again (school days anyway) but may mean getting up at 6 am and not 6.10 am.

Drove to school feeling good and grabbed coffee, listening to the No Means Nothing podcast where hosts analyse Nomeansno songs and it made me realise that they haven’t released an album in almost 20 years and that makes me consider what great music they have made as I still listen to it very often. I can feel more now that they don’t make me as depressed and negative as they used to, so perhaps it was the attitude that I was bringing to it. It made me think about how I have changed.

When I got back to school, George was by himself and I said good morning, to which he mumbled a reply. So I asked him why he doesn’t say good morning to me that set him off. Finally, he’s spat out his feelings, that he wasted his time with a friendship with me and that he has no need to be polite and communicate with me in anyway. He thinks I should be old enough to understand that no one likes me here and I should behave differently. He said he will not be polite with me as it would be fake and he is not fake. I almost choked when I heard that!

To be honest, I mostly just let him talk and just asked him to be polite to me but he continued to refuse. I said he can be polite with everyone else, so why not me? He believes that other teachers’ ‘good morning’s are somehow completely genuine with him. I can see his point of view but I won’t be rude to people, even if I don’t like them – that’s just disrespect.

He is arrogant (towards me at least) and I can feel that it wouldn’t take much for others to get on his wrong side. He’s not happy when people don’t do what he wants. It’s a conditional friendship in his favour, always. It really just confirms what his girlfriend, Bee, told us about him, and how he treated other people before too.

I’m thinking to move up to the Chinese teacher’s room if I’m welcome there – maybe no one likes me there too?

It was pretty exciting at the time all this happened but I didn’t feel upset and went off and had two great classes. Now, I’m in House, drinking coffee and just wanted to get this down. The dreaded Friday afternoon class with 2/10 looms – not sure what I will do with them today, yet. Hooray for the weekend!

Freedom Trap – 20th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Build a wall to keep out the sea
And a roof to keep out the rain
Stop the sun from getting in
And never see the weather again

Freedom means nothing to the agoraphobe
We’re either trapped within big or small
The measure exists inside our minds
And we help to build that wall

The misery that oppresses you lies not in your profession but in yourself!

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Gratitude Journal

I’m so happy and grateful for our big palm trees that provide hours of entertainment as Tangmo loves to play with the old fallen fronds. I don’t know why!

Classes went well this morning, with 2/9 again proving they are awesome and I’m wondering if that is due to the fact that Bruno taught them for 2 or 3 years when they were in primary school. I hope this class continues to get pushed because they are very capable. Whilst there are some bright sparks in the other classes, the dynamic within them is not conducive to learning. It’s a shame for them.

Anyway, I’m feeling good again today. Forced myself out of bed and did a back and shoulder workout in the hope of strengthening support for my neck. I know I shouldn’t lie down to watch TV or lie in bed reading but can’t help myself. Fixing those two things could be all I need. I’ll attempt them when Amy is not here.

Yesterday I got stuck into the termites behind (and in) the washing machine. Their nest is a pain in the ass to clean – basically mud, both dry and wet. As I was cleaning up, it occurred to me that this may be like an iceberg, with a nest much bigger behind the tiny hole in the wall. We ended up pouring a whole bottle of anti-termite powder down that hole – who knows how big it is down there?

Amy suggested we pour some kind of liquid killer down there next and maybe 4 litres won’t be enough. What are the predators of termites – and where are they? I thought the lizards would be enjoying snacking on them but maybe they get through the mud to them. Nature is wonderful. I just wish it wasn’t in my kitchen.

Happy Days – 19th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

A couple of quotes from Samuel Beckett’s ‘Happy Days’. As I was reading the bizarre scenario of the play I had, perhaps, a false reminiscence of seeing this play on TV when I was young, being intrigued and excited by it. Whether I did or not is beside the point. In my mind, it now happened. I found an old dodgy video online of the play and it is almost exactly as I imagined. I didn’t watch it all as I don’t want to spoil the idea of it in my head. I will watch his other plays that I found though – unless I end up finding the books first.

Can’t be helped, just one of those old things. Another of those old things.

Resigned

Sigh away all of your expectation
Lost in your thought of resignation
Accepting as a gift, a pleasure
Here is now, and made to measure

Ah yes, so little to say, so little to do, and the fear so great, certain days, of finding oneself.

There is so little one can say, one says it all, and no truth in it anywhere.

In My Hole

So little to say, so little to do
A mindless curiosity within
So afraid of being found out
Who am I? What do I bring?
Words were spoken that said it all
Tho’ not a single truth was divulged
Here, in my whole, with my bag
I am henceforth forever indulged

18th Oct 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – Happy days

We’re going up the staircase to our best work.

Billy Oppenheimer

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the lip salve to help keep my lips moist. How many people are involved in making and distributing that? Thank you all!

Dark and stormy this morning, slept like a log and didn’t want to get up with my alarm as it was so dark and quiet outside. But I did. Pushed through a workout and felt good. Feel good now with just one class this morning. Hayden called and sounded chipper. He told me he’s off the weed again, which is good and definitely contributes positively to his communication skills. He is talking big ideas and I hope he can follow through and figure things out for himself.

Is there someone who is older than you who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?

Non-specifically, I would say anyone who I see or read about who is still doing whatever the hell they like without concern for whatever is regarded as appropriate. Artists, musicians, creators etc. Could be others just doing what they do, even if quite normal. Someone bound to their belief but not so much that their mind is closed.

Of course, specifically, I would have to say my mother. I watched her grow and change without realising it. Her mind never failed, even whilst her body did. I think I understand she went somewhat against the grain of external expectations and I love that about her. She rarely held me back from trying everything and I was never afraid to tell her about it.

I don’t have that many people around me who are older than me. I’m struggling to think of anyone who is particularly inspiring in their old age. I’m taking in all experiences all the time and moulding them as I see fit.

Furious G – 18th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

You said you loved me
And wanted me to grow
That’s just what I did
So that soon I would know
You never really believed it
Your words were purely fake
To make yourself feel superior
In the image that you make

The things you can’t control
Frustrating you no end
Face your rejection, unless
To your will, they bend
Empty words now revealed
You’ve thrown off your disguise
Shown for what you really are
As your true colour flies

Carry on manipulating
Those cast under your spell
But it’s a conditional love
Where the stress begins to tell
Already old before your time
One day you’ll walk alone
Leaving friends to wonder why
Your heart was filled with stone

Most neuroses can be traced to the unhealthy habit of wallowing in the troubles of five billion strangers.

Jubal, A Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to find new workout apps that I can use for my mornings. Slowly starting to exercise more parts of my body.

Good classes this morning and feeling a little more positive. Never much time on a Tuesday though, and I’m rushing a coffee and maybe a little lesson planning. Things are OK. I feel myself consciously counting down the time until Amy leaves, thinking about things that ned to be done before she goes.

The fucking termites are back behind the washing machine again and need to be cleaned out. Maybe tonight.

(Later) I forgot that Amy is having dinner guests tonight so the termites get another day of building. Their nest is halfway up the back of the washing machine!

Tired now at home, no energy to play guitar or potter in my room. I’ll do a little writing and watching TV, happy knowing that tomorrow I’ll only have one class so can spend some time catching up on other things.

Memories Remain – 17th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A bloodied book lies open
On stained sheets
A laptop locked from prying eyes
A still-warm seat
The dank smell of cigarettes
Hangs on the curtains
A tumbler of gin spices the nose
A rusty brown-edged mirror
Reflects the world inside
No moving pictures
Memories remain quiet here
A silent overwhelming
A sharpened pencil
Two elastic bands and a comb
Knocked to the floor
A story happened here
That’s happening no more

If you yearn for power, quickly lay honesty aside, and train yourself in the art of concealing your intentions.

Robert Greene, Daily Laws List

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have Amy’s old iPhone to learn how to use. It’s been an interesting exercise to switch from Android.

A grey and miserable morning that reminded me of England so much that my eyes ached and an oppressive, ominous feeling came over me. Lots of students missing from my first class so I just played Hot Seat with them instead of starting my normal lesson. It was fun and enjoyable, perhaps showing the kids that their memories aren’t that great.

I still have a negative feeling about the future, school-related. I get the feeling that I won’t be recontracted and perhaps TLC will try to move me again. I don’t know how that would work out, if I’d be interested to go somewhere else now.

Amy was grumpy with me this weekend too and I’m thinking a little about how much money we will spend this year. We have lots and lots of money (relatively) but she is keeping an iron grip on it whilst also planning her time in Australia. These months will be a test for me and despite looking forward to lots of space, I’m not looking forward to having less time.

What has been your favourite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?

From 27 years old on I changed my life dramatically and in different ways. My most exciting age was when I was 30-32, when I had some self-confidence and self-belief for a while. An amazing relationship with a smart young woman inspired me so much but didn’t work out in the end and from then I was up and until around the age of 40, when, perhaps, I became almost completely comfortable with myself (again, with some ups and downs). I think 40-45 may have been my favourite age so far then but I don’t want to discount anything from the future. These next five years could be the best ever?

Would I go back to that age? I don’t think so, I don’t think it was my age that had anything to do with it. It was maturity and circumstance. Going back to that age would not be able to replicate those things.

Army Of Snakes – 16th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We know it’s fire before walking into it
But we walk into it anyway
That sweet-talking tongue with those devil words
Are the mark of Satan at play

Whilst thinking we’re ready to join the game
We’re not ready, yesterday or today
Tomorrow is set aside for self-reflection
Then to get the hell out of the way

15th Mar 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt – lithe

Plastic – the quintessential American material.

Jeanette Cooperman

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for another relaxing massage yesterday followed by a delicious lunch by a lake with Nut and Bruno

A weekend disappeared (even though it is only Sunday afternoon at this moment). Friday night, I stayed up reading articles and drank one of the bottles of homemade Baileys that Dylan made, which made me feel good without being drunk.

Despite getting home tired, I was just happily keeping myself occupied, my brain engaged and didn’t get into bed until after midnight, yet managed to read a comic or two and then by this time I was both tired and awake. Pretty sure it was around 2 am when I got to sleep and then surprisingly woke up with my alarm at 7.15 and despite trying to snooze on, got out of bed soon after, ready to take on the day!

Amy and I had booked another two-hour massage for 10 am – her taking advantage of it only costing 10 dollars an hour this month, whereas when she will be in Australia next month, it will be at least six times that price. My massage this time was not as painful as last week and I couldn’t tell if it was just that the lady was taking it easy on me or if I just had less tension.

I was also distracted with a thought about giving each of my students a written report for their parents. I’d like to do this but a little paranoid that some parents may take useful information in the wrong way. I’m very conscious of wanting to do everything I can to help the students but becoming more aware that many parents don’t care that much, or, at the opposite end, overreact. I would put everything in a positive light. I don’t need to do this and it would take a fair bit of time but I’m a little concerned that I may not get my contract renewed next semester and want to show the kids and their parents how much I’m trying. A bit of a selfish motivation, mixed with the best of intentions.

So, my massage sped by much quicker this week and then we were off to meet Bruno, Nut and To at a northern cuisine restaurant by a lake. Bruno was in fine form and it’s interesting to me to see him interact with Nut. They have a funny, rib-poking relationship and Nut has quite a reasonable head on her shoulders. Bruno smokes a fair amount of weed and it has the opposite effect on him than it does me, in some ways. I think we got get lost inside our heads but he is also buzzing and talking quickly, perhaps saying everything that comes into his head, whereas I might be just thinking it. Even though their joshing and joking is light-hearted, I do wonder if Nut does take some of these things seriously. I guess I don’t really know them well enough to make a judgment, just to know that I don’t think I talk to Amy in quite such a brisk way.

Anyway, the food was great and conversation flowed until it was time to go off to other things and Amy wanted to do some shopping at Central, which she did whilst I stayed in the car and read a book. The skies had darkened and even though it wasn’t yet five, it felt like nighttime closing in already. So, by the time we were home, I jumped in the shower and got into bed as it looked like nighttime already outside. I wasn’t tired but the feeling was one to snuggle up in.

So I read a ton of comics and it was awesome. I live reading comics. A good comic just takes you away from everything and in such a short time. I think I eventually went to sleep 5 hours later. And, in the night, the rain came. Hard and heavy, quite a surprise for this time of year. Good for the parched ground and the weeds. I had hoped to cut the grass this weekend but will have to delay.

I had to go to school for teachers’ day, which just means sitting around, reading on my phone whilst monks chant and people announce things in Thai. I would guess 90% of the Thais there were just looking at their phones and then taking pictures in places set up to take good pictures in. If there was anything of substance in this event, it escaped me and most everyone else, I’m sure.

The rain had stopped but the sun stayed elusive and I had planned to go dick about in my room but ended up snuggled here in front of the e TV and writing this.

Fatman report

The Nail – 15th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Outstanding achievement award
All goals met and all points scored
But being the best
Separates the rest
The nail gets hammered as reward
Punished for not playing along
Subscribe to strive to belong
It’s a constant battle
Fighting the cattle
A nail stuck is seen as wrong
Maintain a smile and never frown
No pinks and yellows, only brown
If you use your mind
You soon will find
A nail stood out gets hammered down

The laughter of fools cannot wound the wise.

Judge Death, 2000AD

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to feel pretty good on little sleep this morning. Last night I stayed up until past midnight, reading articles and comics. It felt good.

No List – 14th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I got a resolution for you
Do little, do less, do nothing
Unfocus, unwind, chase nought
See what results that will bring

Success is for the losers
Stuck forever within the grind
Missing out is my success
And gives me peace of mind

As you approach the same age as your parents when they had you, you gain great empathy for them, realising that like you, they were just kids trying to figure it all out along the way.

Cole Schafer

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch my students mature and improve their learning. I’m grateful to be part of that journey with them.

Got a little frustrated yesterday afternoon as I ran around getting a blood test and photos taken. The blood test has to be certified by a doctor and only one specific doctor. I wanted to take it there straight away but it doesn’t open until 6.30 pm, by which time I’m usually already at home and far away. I wasn’t going to hang around.

TLC insist that I have everything done by today but only told me about doing this on Tuesday. Never mind being busy with teaching and having to get a slew of documents copied. I don’t know why they can’t be organised enough to advise one month ahead of time. It’s typical Thai style and irritating. If I don’t do it in time, it means I will be penalised and have to pay more for the work permit.

Anyway, last night I just went home and put it to the back of my mind and primed myself to stay in the city for an extra 2 and a half hours waiting for the doctor to open at 6.30.

Last night, I spent time with Ableton and Launchkey and played a bunch of guitar. That was fun and I felt good, watching some TV and reading for a bit. Got to get back to reading Infinite Jest – it’s sitting there like a lead weight. Every time I pick it up to read, I love it but it’s not an easy read and it can feel like a chore.

This morning I was feeling good but my first class didn’t go well. The kids were tired and distracted and I felt like giving up but I stared out of the window and talked myself out of the feeling. It wasn’t too bad by the end and the next class went well, though everyone was a bit subdued there too. One more class…..

I saw the boys of this class playing football in the playground so I decided to join them and bond with them a little more and we had a good ten minutes before class started. It put me in a more active mood and the boys, who are usually a handful, were still playful but did their work, mostly. I leave this class easy work for Friday afternoon because I know they just want to finish and go home or talk with their friends. TFIF, though often these students think the week finishes on Monday morning.

So anyway, a happy end to the day. Now sitting around reading and finishing off a lesson I want to teach about sexual abuse in Thailand. I also want to put together a few new lessons to break up the ones I have now, which are all following a method (which seems to be working) but also feels a little mechanical.

What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you ‘missed’ and might try to reach later, off schedule, according ot our culture and expectations.

The milestone I’m looking forward to is retirement. That doesn’t mean stopping working, but stopping working for money. It’s age-related but I don’t want to wait until I’m 65. I’d like to do it this year.

What other milestones are there? The decades? Age is just numbers and bodily deterioration! One thing I did hope to do at 50 was to have a big birthday concert with some of my favourite bands playing but as it turned out, I was working night shift in Adelaide and hadn’t been around the music scene for a few years already. It doesn’t matter – I’m not upset about it. At that time, I was working towards bigger things – moving to Thailand. That was what was important.

The big milestone of death I would like to put off as long as possible unless I go senile, though at that time I probably won’t really be thinking about it. I’d like to be fit and fifty-five, sixty with a six pack. I guess those milestones aren’t particularly in our culture though.

Eggs Of Evolution – 13th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We are mutating faster than ever
Elongated thumbs and extended necks
Are we becoming more stupid or clever
As we homogenise into a single sex?

Reversal has never been possible
The eggs have already been fried
So we must hold ourselves responsible
And measure all the things we’ve tried

Paradoxically or not, great ideas come more easily from people who are not paid to have them.

Iain McGilchrist

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that my body tells me when to slow down and that I am able to rest when I want.

Feeling pretty good again today. It’s definitely helped by the reaction I get from students. When they are disruptive and noisy, I guess maybe I’m taking it as a failure, although I do understand that all my students also have their own things going on in their young lives.

Anyway, this morning, I could feel quite a few students really getting to grips with understanding some of the things I’m doing with them. That absolutely improves my mood. So my task is to not take it too much to heart when the opposite occurs.

This afternoon we have our second club meeting and I need to prepare some things in the hope that it goes smoothly.

I put my Launchkey keyboard on my desk last night with a plan to study about it for a few minutes each night. Still thinking about the room arrangement at the moment.

Busy getting work permit stuff together so not sure how much free time I will have. Let’s see.

Man Lives In Fear – 12th January 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 7 Comments

The Woman’s Era has been dawning
For more than a hundred years
Held back by the arms of man
And his resistant fears

Equality means inclusion
And ending this fickle game
To treat each other as human
To see each other the same

Embrace all our differences
Enrich our lives together
For the sake of all humanity
Wherever, whoever, whenever

Submitted to WDYS #228

Without urgency or panic, make the necessary time and make much of that time.

Mason Currey

My midweek chill was rudely interrupted last night when I suddenly lost my energy and good feeling. I was so exhausted and feeling dizzy and sick that I went to bed at around 7pm and was soon asleep. In the night, I felt hot and I’m also feeling hot now, though the temperature check just said 36.5 for me and the crappy ATK I bought shows a very faint line that I’m OK. Difficult to say if it worked or not.

Anyway, I woke up not feeling too bad, still a slight headache and not 100% but ok. When I read my messages, I had to cover Dylan’s class this morning too – which is OK but meant I was teaching all morning. I’m going to dash off now to Fascino to buy a different ATK and will check again tonight. I don’t really want Covid right now as it will fuck up all Amy’s plans. Faaaar out.

I’m following this 12-step course of creating new habits, this is from James Clear, whose book, Atomic Habits, I’ve read and used to some degree. I’ve developed many good habits already and considering what I should do to create a new one. I’ve been good at exercising, studying Thai, learning guitar and those things do take up a bunch of my time already.

One thing that I do want to get back to, is learning Ableton and using the keyboard I bought and to create music. Before I create music, I really need to understand how these things work and hold together. An early step in forming this habit is to make a two-minute rule, a very simplified version of just starting the habit, not necessarily completing anything. So now I want to figure out what I can do to get down to a simple two-minute rule so that I can start forming this. I think I need to have the keyboard set up and Ableton open and ready to go, maybe then, just study one part of the manual for two minutes and then begin to understand it well.

I need to fit this in with my routine in the evening, which is usually to write a blog entry or two, use Yousician for at least ten minutes, play guitar to some songs with Capo, which can take up to 45 minutes, after that, I usually go inside and watch some TV so that I can wind down.

I’m still not quite happy with my set-up in my room and don’t feel quite comfortable in there. Clear some space? Rearrange again? It’s quite a good working environment for all the things I’m doing but some days I just don’t want to go in there! I’ll figure it out I guess.

18th Dec 2025 – I still haven’t figured this out. I still have many days where I just don’t feel like going to my room. Maybe I have set it up in my mind that it is like my old bedroom, a safe space away from the world, and somehow it doesn’t quite live up to that expectation. The Ableton keyboard has been sitting on the desk since this entry and has collected dust for most of the time. Perhaps reading this today will give me some incentive to get back to it.