The perfect image, sourced here: https://fonrestorff.bandcamp.com/album/sisyphus

What is standing in your way right now?

Probably the biggest thing standing in my way at the moment is time.  It’s not just a matter of not having enough, or perhaps having too many things to do, it’s also that I don’t have the stamina or patience enough to stick with one thing for long periods.  So I like to do many different things for short periods of time every day.  So even if I freed up more time I would probably still only continue the activity I was thinking to focus on for the same amount of short time before thinking about doing something else.

So perhaps I should be saying that it is not time that stands in my way – because I don’t lack it, but my ability to focus for long enough periods.  Even when I think about this I consider that I often can spend 3 or 4 hours focussed on certain things.  Hmm….ok – nothing is standing in my way!

What would happen if you overcame the obstacle? More importantly, what would happen if you didn’t (think broadly: emotionally, physically, financially, etc.)?

So, I think I have already overcome the obstacle, or consider that there is no obstacle.  Perhaps this results in a lack of motivation.  I often experience that feeling of wanting to do more even when I am busy and wanting to do less, even when I feel there is little to do.  Sometimes I need to suffer to succeed.  I am generally motivated though – much more so recently.  I am also relaxed about what I wish to achieve.  I am happy with that balance.

So, no real obstacles, no suffocating deadlines.  Just do the things I wish to do little by little as the opportunity arises.

Can you reframe the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do list? In other words, in order to overcome this, what do you need to learn? What tasks do you need to perform? Who do you need to convince?

I wrote the paragraphs above some time ago and only now returning to this topic.  Now Amy is in Australia I have the odd obstacle of trying to keep myself fed!  Not really an obstacle I suppose but something that I haven’t had to think about much for the last 4 years.

Anyway, reframing this into a to-do list (without just writing ‘eat something’!), I guess, broken down, amounts to:

What do I need to learn to do these – nothing!  I know about them all.  I just need to do it!  The tasks I need to perform – go shopping!  Hopefully, I can do this tomorrow but right now I’m still waiting for my paycheque to clear.  Shopping is the first step – most everything else will fall into place after that.  Who do I need to convince? Haha – that’s easy – just myself!

Have you ever used an “obstacle” as an excuse not to get started? Did you regret it?

Yes, lots of times.  Not sure about regretting it though.  I do recall the time I didn’t go to soccer trials in the school holidays (80 or 81?) because I was too scared to go and try out.  I’m not sure why. I was always bigging myself up but when it came to the crunch perhaps I was scared of failure or being told how I could be better.  I never liked taking advice from other people. It’s still a problem for me now, unless it is someone I really respect.

Are obstacles really just fears holding you back?

Yes, as I mentioned above – it was really just fear.  I’ve learned to deal with that mostly.  There are not so many things to be afraid of, though I’m not sure I could jump out of a plane.  I often wonder about fearful situations as may be seen in movies or on TV but then consider how unlikely those situations could be.  Even stressful situations with people at work I’m not afraid of now.  I know that any situation will be finished at some point and that it is most likely that I will be sleeping in my bed later that same day.

What is the longest-running obstacle in your life?

My thoughts.  An ongoing obstacle that I am learning to manage better over time.  I am also feeling recently, that I have used alcohol as a coping mechanism for many years and that has been an obstacle to clarity of thoughts.   My thoughts are still clouded somewhat but they have generally improved since I have stopped being dependent on alcohol.  I miss the feeling of being drunk, and the temporary high from it.  But it’s no longer worth it.  I am happier without it.

What steps have you used to make progress toward overcoming it? How far have you come with it? What do you wish would happen? How would that be possible?

A few days break again, brings me back to finishing off my thoughts on these questions.

It seems that my obstacles are focus and ‘problem’ thoughts.  I have been thinking about this on and off over the last ten years but a little more specifically in the last couple of years and now at a point where I can identify these issues quickly, tell myself about them and take steps to address them.  That is something that I couldn’t do in the past, not until they got out of control and sometimes had to seek professional help.

So, recently I have noticed that I often compare myself to another person and think about how better I am, or how better I could/should be.  How I am right and they are wrong.  How my things are more important or more special.  I notice when I’m doing this and already talk myself out of it each time.  I put myself in their shoes and realise they could say exactly the same about me – and we would both be correct.

However, what I want to do is to stop having these thoughts in the first place.  I followed some advice from the Woebot app, reminding me of CBT methods I’ve learned before and whilst I know all these things, I realise I need to tell myself over and over again about them.  Perhaps I’m a slow learner or it’s just the fact that I am trying to reverse a long history of ‘problem’ thinking and that can’t be achieved just by studying something just once or twice.

So, I am still practising, learning, growing and eventually, will overcome these obstacles.  I think once the problem thinking is relieved then focus will become easier.  I’m already thinking about how to maintain focus for longer periods (or forgiving myself and realising that I do already maintain a lot of focus on certain things).

What is the biggest obstacle you faced in your past? Did you overcome it? If so, how? If not, why?

I think this is mostly just a repetition of what I’ve already written.  All the obstacles of my past don’t really feel like they were obstacles in hindsight.  There were things that had to be done – and they got done.

The biggest obstacle is myself – is that something that I need to overcome.  I just need to be happy with myself.  That is a constant process and not a race with a finish point.

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People take different roads seeking fulfilment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.

Dalai Lama

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Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to wake up each day and push myself to do a little exercise and I’m grateful for all the free apps available to help me do it.

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Yesterday was such a relaxing day and I got totally absorbed in reading lots of comics. Being home all the time (this week) is making me think about the future and when I won’t be working. The routine of going to work is very motivating for me and when that ends, I need to maintain my motivation somehow. Perhaps going for a long walk, getting up at 6 am, working out a route that takes an hour or so, up and around the university, maybe.

Yesterday I enjoyed the day but also felt perhaps a little directionless? I did make it into my room, though, fiddling around in Ableton and practising guitar. Although I didn’t do much, it was enjoyable. Controlling my anger when I mess up playing guitar is something I can work on. Not that I’m seriously angry but I can learn not to shout ‘fuck!’ when I mess up!

Something I’ve been wanting to put to paper is the idea that I can see that I have some ideals that I find I cannot live by, and that that’s ok. I understand the need for community, the help-each-other philosophy and treat others as you wish to be treated. However, I realise that I am not a great practitioner of these ideals. I know I am of my culture and generation that is quite individualistic. I consider myself quite selfish but also that it is not to the extent of hurting others. I just prefer to keep things to myself, work for and by myself. I’m comfortable with this dichotomy.

I’m also aware of it in others and I should not use this as a judgment on someone’s character. We are all like this to some degree.

After clocking in, I went to Utopia and met Fern, who is here for her graduation this coming Monday. Fern studied for a couple of years in Malaysia, so her understanding of English is very good even though she cannot speak to same level. She’s not afraid to try, though. She has a compelling smile and a beautiful bone structure around her face with big white eyes, along with her curled eyelashes.

We talked about her parents, as they had been sick with Covid and I found out that they were younger than me. It’s weird to me that some of the people I enjoy interacting with have parents younger than me. It makes me wonder what it is that attracts me to some people and not others. Is it an ego thing? Do I feel a sense of superiority over them? I don’t think so. I feel maybe it’s the idea that I can offer advice from experience and the connection is that they are open to listening.

Of course, not all people, young or old, are like that and perhaps that is what puts me off others. No point in talking with people who don’t listen and engage, though that never makes me rude about it. I just put more effort into getting to know people with open minds and perhaps, hopefully, different thinking.