Month: May 2023

Upside – 31st May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s so precious to see you smile again
Stepping down from the chair
Panic may still grip the heart at times
But I know you’ll still be there

The promises the liars gave you
Cheated your belief into ease
But reality hits like a punch to the gut
And your dreams just become a tease

Let’s go forward together into the dark
There’s nothing that can kill us
We’ll turn apathy upside its head
And only love will ever fill us

Inspired by a student I helped get to the psychiatrist, take some meds and get counselling. Still suffering anxiety and a tough life, it definitely made an impact to see a face that hadn’t smiled for a long time.

Today I’m feeling:

Very good. Got up earlier, my back was still stiff and sore but did a workout and meditation. I enjoyed all my classes and had a good time with students outside of class too, though it is ridiculously hot and everyone is complaining. They still run around playing volleyball, some still with jumpers on and begging me to come and join them. I tell them to wait until winter.

Today I’m grateful for:

Some of my students energetically fanning me with their homemade paper fans or now, many students have little USB fans, some that hang around the neck and they let me borrow them. It’s better than dripping sweat on them, though it is barely enough to cool down!

The best thing about today was:

The fact that I can’t think of anything, in particular, to put here but that I had a very enjoyable and happy day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Again, there’s nothing really for me to add here either. Any minor things that felt out of control were easily subdued and dealt with without any drama.

Something I learned today?

I’ve been occasionally checking out videos about classroom management and getting students’ attention back and I often come across some good ideas but then forget about them completely. Part of this is because my two new classes this year are much better behaved than the ones who started last year (though I came to love them all somehow). There are still a couple of disruptive students but in a class of thirty that’s fine. Last year about half of each class was disruptive. Er… so what have I learned today? Umm.

What is one thing I learned about myself this month?

I can bounce back. I can keep going without (much) complaint. I can find the positive. Have I become an optimist? Not quite. I don’t think I’ve ever been really pessimistic except in the throws of depression. I think I’m more of a realist which is casting an optimistic view over pessimistic situations.

I took this picture because I’m hoping that this is the beginnings of a storm tonight.
Later – there’s rumbling and a light show but it seems like it might be circling around elsewhere.
Even later – everything disappeared.

Are We Here Yet? – 30th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If this isn’t enough, then what is?
We have a reasonably long life of occasional bliss
The canvas is blank and beautiful, waiting
To be painted with all your colours, creating

Those times that can never be killed
An overflowing cup that can never be filled
Smell the roses, and don’t forget to smell the sweat
Sit in the back of the bus shouting ‘Are we there yet?’

Today I’m feeling:

I slept ok but the sunlight is waking me up in the mornings. Maybe I should get up earlier. 
Just set my alarm ten minutes earlier. See how it goes tomorrow.
Feeling reasonably good. My back is still sore but I got through an ab workout this morning. My first class was a bit tough with trying to get everybody into Quizizz. In that class, there are a couple of annoying kids identified so far but most of the others seem cool. I must try to remain calm. I must try to remain calm. I must….

Today I’m grateful for:

My old schoolmate Rupert, who has been much better at maintaining friendships with other schoolmates than myself. As I was writing out my 1984 diary I came across the name Ange but only had a very vague recollection about her. Rupert gave me her full name and reminded me how we both fantasised about her!

The best thing about today was:

Being reminded of so many things whilst writing out my 1984 diary over the last two days. That seemed like a crazy defining year in many ways. Despite hating school so much I did feel a sense of loss and overwhelming change when leaving. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I just had a huge long list of things I didn’t want to do.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It’s the old fallback of the out-of-control class today as my previously boisterous grade 7s are now boisterous grade 8s. However, I think I dealt with it ok, in the fact that I couldn’t control them but I could at least control myself! 

Something I learned today?

I stumbled across a video of a better neck-stretching exercise rather than just the regular pull-your-head to the left and then to the right. I’ll give it a go for a while, adding it to my never-ending list of stretches I should do as an older gentleman.

What are some memorable moments from this past month?

Going back to school and seeing the students again would be my number one. I know one day I will have to leave this all behind and that will be sad but also will mean moving on to the next thing.
There have been other minor memorable moments this month and that is as it should be. I would prefer consistency over highs and lows and to be honest, despite how good everything is really, when I walk to close the gate in the early evening and I look up I still feel like it is not complete anymore because that one little cat, that lovely little Kim, is gone.

I took this picture because these clouds looked promising but have amounted to nothing so far. Come on rain!

Soundbyte Generation – 29th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

SO … ten seconds … pass
UND … er the joker’s … glance
BY … the power up … above
TE …. ll him he’s … dreaming!
GEN … tle into the … night
ER … ror code … repeating
AT … death’s end, soon … here
I … wonder what … happened
ON … those days gone … by

1st Apr 2024 – Submitted to RagTag Daily Prompt

Today I’m feeling:

As I slept so early last night I woke up at around 5 am with the sunrise. That wasn’t enough to get me up though. However, I’d left the aircon on high and although I think it is only working as a fan it was sucking in cold air from outside and I was starting to shiver. I turned it off and tried getting back to sleep and just as the start of my dream felt like it was going to get interesting my alarm went off.

I got up, stiff and in some pain. I think the topple off the bike yesterday jarred something badly in my upper back and it’s pretty sore. Some exercise couldn’t loosen it up either. It’s the kind of sharp pain that stings with almost any movement and will be annoying all day. But I feel good, energised by seeing all the crazy kids and their stories this morning. Now I’m waiting at immigration for my 90-day report.

Today I’m grateful for:

Right now (whilst I’m at school) I’m grateful for the light rain and the anticipation of seeing how well (or more accurately, how badly) the tape on the gutter is working out. I hope it can at least hold some of the water back. (Later – seems it didn’t rain at home!)
I’m also grateful to the neighbours who swept up the grass that I had cut in the road. I was too stuffed to do it at the time and I was surprised this morning to see it all gone!

The best thing about today was:

Feeling happy and wanted at school. I feel that students appreciate that I am close with and care about them and that whilst breaking down the student-teacher barrier they still have respect for me. 
I think some teachers don’t like my style in this way but it is something that helps me to enjoy the time that I am in school and I feel more closely connected with the kids than with other teachers. 
I mentioned this to Bruno yesterday, that I can’t connect with many other adults here because I find them and their lives boring and that the pleasure I get from being around the kids derives from their unpredictable energy and ideas. 
Sure, I miss being in that youthful state (minus the depression of course) so what better way to relive it than through the lives of my students?

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Recently whilst learning guitar, I’ve been playing along in the Yousician app for up to 30 minutes and then loading some of my favourite songs in Capo and playing the chords along with them so some days I might end up playing for 90 minutes or more.
Today I was getting frustrated with Yousician and not being able to play something until getting it right. Sometimes I feel like my fingers are working without me thinking and when I realise that I start thinking about it and then screw up!
Today I just couldn’t push through and wanted to stop. But after a minute or two I loaded some songs into Capo and after playing along to about five I started feeling more positive again. Like anything I guess, some days it’s pleasure and other days it’s pain.

Something I learned today?

I got a message from my old student Boss (the boy I took to the psychiatrist last semester). He messages me about once a week since he started at a new school but today surprised me by saying that he’s come back. I’m not sure why yet but I can guess maybe it was more stressful there. 
Our school is super relaxed in comparison with others and I think it doesn’t help prepare students for the tougher realities of life once they leave, even just to other local schools.
It’s good for me in that I don’t need to be so rigid either. 
Anyway, I’ll get his story soon enough no doubt.

What would I like to accomplish this week?

This week I hope to figure out the best way forward with using Quizizz in my classes, without having to change what I’ve already done. I think a clearer way forward will appear over time so that I tighten up my lessons overall.
I could set some targets for this or that but I think I’m doing well with all the little tasks I submit myself to every day without having to add too much more. 
I guess I’d like to get this tightness out of my upper back by the end of the week though by tomorrow would be preferable.
Maybe I could get down to under 80kg before bedtime this week. I’ve been slowly moving in that direction for the last week or two.

I took this picture because it makes no sense to me. Tattoo and bakery? And all I’ve ever seen there is a small of street food kra pao dishes! Maybe it doubles as a nifty trendy bread and tattoo shop in the evenings!?

Death Count – 28th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I know too many dead people
They creep up on you one by one
More smoke to add to the skies
It’s a problem to face head on
Out of control, it cannot be
Controlled by either you or me

Today I’m feeling:

Snoozed my alarm whilst Tigger waited patiently on the bed nearby and eventually I put him on my chest for a couple of minutes of rubs whilst I woke up and he purred affectionately.
I knew I had to get up and go as I’d arranged to meet Bruno at Utopia at 9 to go for a ride. We had a good ride around in the forest and valleys that I like just northeast of home but got pretty stuffed quickly as it was so unrelentingly hot. We had to negotiate the crazy path that I had taken about 9 months ago and this time I tipped the bike and bashed myself on some jungle growth of one kind or another giving me a big bruise on my already sore tricep but it was pretty funny and entertaining as I was travelling at zero kph at the time.
When we decided to return we found a way through the valleys that is a valid way around the checkpoint. It’s still a long way around but it’s the best option I’ve found so far. I got a bit muddy on this stretch and when we got back I limped into the 7/11 to stuff an ice cream before another coffee at Utopia. It wasn’t even midday.
I hosed off my shoes and stuck them and everything else in the washing machine and cold showered. I relaxed in the aircon for a while but suddenly got the urge to go check our guttering as it looked like it might rain. The tape I put on yesterday, over the top of the existing tape was sagging off already in one spot so I squished it up again, checked the rest and then figured to actually go look in the gutter itself.
So I climbed up the ladder and immediately saw the problem of the leaves blocking the drain and piles of them stuck at various points too. Nothing for it but to get up there and clear it out. It was dirty sweaty work but I was on a roll. After carefully getting back down again (I could hear Auntie gasping next door) I poked the hose up in the gutter to see if the water drained away. It soon became obvious that the tape was still leaking and also now there were places where the guttering was rusting through. Really, it all needs replacing with something better. Something to sort out another day.
However, I wasn’t done. I was getting dizzy but still had energy so I started clearing the drain outside the classroom which gets blocked with soil and then things growing in that. By the time I was done, I couldn’t see straight.
I got into the kitchen and stripped off again shoving my fresh pants, already dirty into the washing machine. I felt like drinking something fizzy and ended up cracking a beer and drinking a cupful before another cold shower and my third change of clothes for the day.
Eventually, I sat in the living room, drank two beers with a packet of chips as my only sustenance for the day and it wasn’t even 4pm yet. I’m in bed now at 8 pm, exhausted.

Today I’m grateful for:

The reasonably priced sunscreen that worked well to protect my hands today, everything else was covered up. I thought it would be more expensive.

The best thing about today was:

Being active, doing things, and having a feeling of achievement.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I thought I’d try and find out more about Noey at Utopia to see if she might be suitable to catsit for us in future. However, she wasn’t there and when I asked they said that she had been scratched badly by a cat and couldn’t work. Hmm.
I asked Art about her personality and he said she was trustworthy and reliable as far as he could tell but that she wasn’t very active, as in pushing herself to do more.
Then she arrived, along with her new boyfriend, to show off her scars which were minimal, to say the least, but she had a tetanus injection and perhaps was worried about any side effects from that. I asked if it was her cat that scratched her, and she said no, it was a friend’s and it’s just two months old. I asked if she had cats at home here, no, and back in her home town, again, no.
So ultimately with her lack of experience, I couldn’t see her being able to handle our big cats if they had any problems.
Well, never mind. Aing says she should be able to come and take care of them in October but my guess is that she would be happy too but come the time may not actually be able to. Amy is also asking her friends to see who may be available.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video showing how to work your way up to pull-ups, something which I don’t have the arm and shoulder strength to do. I’ll start doing the simplest wall pulls and build from there. Maybe I’ll still never be able to do a pull-up but I’ll feel better either way.

I took this picture because this buffalo looked magnificent, his leathery skin crisping in the lethal sun. Do animals like this get skin cancer?

Temptation – 27th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 12 Comments

Winds a-whispering such alluring tunes
over the sashaying hips of the golden dunes;
A devil tempts to caress sweet flesh,
to find soft lips to taste afresh.

The valleys first open to be explored,
the enchantment, too strong to be ignored;
A hopeless daydream, a critical situation
must be forgotten, not lost to temptation.

There, within, lies the road to destruction;
the unthinking mind, the unfeeling instruction.
Look beyond this beauty, stunning, unreal;
around each corner lies further appeal.

The holy grail is beyond where the fishes swim,
the welcoming waves beckon to dive within;
Surrounding forest and earth, both lightly scented,
this story, oft-repeated, that has been invented.

21st Nov 2025 – Shared with Poets and Storytellers United #204

Today I’m feeling:

Tired and my muscles aching, the ones I barely use until I worked them out yesterday. Just 7 minutes and I’m in pain. I’m weak, I know, but I’ll give it a go. I remember all the talk about working out and taking care of your body during my years of abusing it instead. Is it too late to fix it? Well, who cares. I can’t go back so I’ll do what I can now. My aches are good aches. I know my pain, mental or physical, is good even if it sucks.

Today I’m grateful for:

The grass cutter we bought when we got here that annoys the fuck out of me as it is difficult to use, feels like it’s falling apart, hurts my hands with its violent vibrations, gives me blisters and the engine burns my skin. But I’m still grateful for it to be able to do a little bit of cutting whilst waiting for the gardeners to come and do the job properly.

The best thing about today was:

Having a burst of energy that saw me wash Amy’s doona which smelt of cat spray again. Vacuuming and cleaning parts of the floor. Do some grass-cutting and apply the tape to the guttering in the garage again as it failed to stop the leaks in this week’s rain. I like the feeling of this energy and hope it keeps perpetuating.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I almost lost my temper with the grass cutter and the body strap that supports it. In fact, I did at one point, throwing the cutter to the ground whilst it was still spinning. I think it needs a proper service and repair just to tighten things up. I use it so rarely that I forget to take it for repair and just get frustrated again when I use it! It probably needs a new blade too as I don’t have anything to sharpen it with. 

Something I learned today?

I watched a video that asked the question ‘Why make music when no one cares?’ For me and the legion who grew up on DIY punk, this question never needed to be asked and I find it ironic that it is a common question amongst modern music makers. I don’t think a self-respecting artist would make their art for any other reason than to please themselves. You are the only person that needs to care. If you are doing it for any other reason it is no longer art but just a product.

What challenges am I facing right now?

Health is my main challenge. It’s not something that I consider a major challenge like trying to ace an exam, move to a new country or such like, but more a fight against the ageing process. It is also a challenge that is just a regular fact of life. Any challenges are really self-imposed. For example, I want to improve my Thai and get better at guitar but they are not really game-changers if they fall by the way. I also challenge myself to improve in the classroom and sharing knowledge with my students.

Things like cancer, deep depression or debilitating grief would be real challenges and I’m not facing anything like that.

I took this picture because I saw this plant stem literally looking at me as I walked to the door of Utopia. Even looking at it now is kinda creepy and cool. Reminds me of the movie Labyrinth which I loved to watch whilst tripping in my 20s.

Communion – 26th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A spark flies on wandering wings
Darting forth on invisible strings
Before coming to rest on the orange soil
Growing here a cluster of limes
By the river flowing since ancient times
And the field the poorest farmers toil

The leaves all fall and flow downstream
Watched by those that wish to dream
Of lands and opportunities far away
What is here and there is just the same
The seas and cities all wax and wane
Only the princes are happy to stay

Keeping butterflies within their cages
Whispered words on parchment pages
Tell legends of a joyful union
Setting fires ablaze, the whole world sings
Another spark flies on wandering wings
Ignites the story of our own communion

Today I’m feeling:

Good and happy. This morning I opted for a 7-minute chest workout because yesterday whilst students were talking to me one of them whispered ‘Teacher nom yai’ and I looked at her and grabbed my chest and gave a stern face and then a sad face, all the while we were all laughing. As my lower back was a bit sore this morning I decided to try and work off some boob fat!

Today I’m grateful for:

Goy and Bae for letting us share their Netflix until now. News is that they won’t be able to share anymore as Netflix is changing the options to only be able to share on the same wifi network. That’s ok for me. I enjoy watching things on there but I already have a whole host of other things I can spend time watching.

The best thing about today was:

Whilst sitting in House, watching a lecture on modern poetry and trying to find inspiration to write something myself, an attractive young couple came in and ordered coffees, and inspiration was found in the young ladies’ soft smooth tan skin, pretty feet and bare waist. So I wrote about temptation, how it can only lead to trouble and that it’s better just to enjoy the view.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I had a plan to go to see Matt between my classes today and messaged him as he had asked before leaving school to drive there. I had contemplated cancelling as I’m pretty tired from the first full week of classes but figured it would help keep me going for the rest of the day rather than sitting around for the whole four-hour break between classes. Unfortunately, Matt replied that he was busy caring for his mother-in-law who had broken her ankle. Well, the change of plan was fine. I mean, I don’t need much convincing to sit around drinking coffee in a favourite cafe and doing bits and pieces of reading and writing.

Something I learned today?

Also at House, Gui offered me a new tea that he had in stock. He told me it was a famous Chiang Rai tea though I didn’t quite catch the name and when he presented it to me it was blue, made with butterfly pea flowers. It was sweet tasting without having any sugar added and refreshing with ice. He then offered more but this time with milk and a little syrup and that was delicious. Along with two coffees and two glasses of water, I was well slaked.

Where do I usually find inspiration?

Well, I guess thinking back on today’s poetic inspiration it would appear that pretty ladies are where I usually find it! In general though, I would say inspiration is found in beauty, wherever that may be seen. A river, a rainbow, a flower, a tree. Similarly, it can be found within the dark ugly shadows of desperation too. 

I took this picture about ten days ago and posting it today as I haven’t had much time or inspiration to take pictures these last couple of days.

Writing For Myself – 25th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 6 Comments

The words I write, they are for me
Sure to be making assumptions
We are brothers and sisters in arms
(and anyone that cares to fall between)

Sometimes listening to the wind
Eases my burden, settles my heart

The hard code of my heart
Has been passed along for generations
back to the dawn of time

Now at this time of life, whenever it is
Let’s hope the engine keeps running

I only stop learning to rest my eyes
Things long gone are encoded and not forgotten
Whatever is coming towards me
Is all a part of nature’s play

A paraphrasing of section 1 of Walt Whitman’s Song For Myself
2nd May 2024 – Submitted to dVerse

Today I’m feeling:

Like I had a long day with three two-hour classes. I enjoy the days filled with work just as much as the days with little to do. I don’t really have a chance to think about how I’m feeling until I get home, have a cold shower and rest my aching legs. By that time I’m happy with the work being completed.

Today I’m grateful for:

Kru Tongjai for offering to write some instructions for my classes in Thai to help sort out the login problems I was having with Quizizz. She said she would do it at around midday. However during my classes that morning I figured out how to fix the problem myself and finally understood how it worked. When I saw her in the afternoon I told her I had sorted it out and she was happy because she had gotten called away to do something else too. I’ve learned to trust in things working out in time but this one was getting me worried as all my lessons are arranged around using the website. As I’ve been looking deeper into the website reporting I am also seeing more and more great options for the classroom. So I am grateful to Quizizz too.

The best thing about today was:

As mentioned above, figuring out fixing that problem felt pretty good. Along with that was some welcome rain and a continued good feeling amongst the students at school.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Finding out my student lists are all messed up was a bit annoying but then I remembered that this happens every year. One upside of this was figuring out who students were by their student ID numbers stitched onto their uniforms in Thai script. I need to learn how their numbers are written.

Something I learned today?

Looking at what I’ve written already I can see that I’ve learned many things today that are at least of some use in my day-to-day life. Maybe not substantial life-changing knowledge but useful at least.

What changes am I experiencing in my life right now?

Some physical changes due to aging such as getting tired more easily and not being able to get all my pee put easily. Will the upside of that be that I won’t suffer incontinence though maybe kidney stones instead? 
As to mental changes, I believe I am still learning and getting smarter each day. I think I’m happier as I age too, the irony of which is not lost on me.
As to life in general I don’t feel like there are any significant changes really. Nothing beyond what I can expect. There will be a change soon enough when Amy gets back in October which will have to be dealt with but I feel confident we will work things out for the best.

I took this picture from the top floor of our school building because I have to remind myself how nice it is here. I am comfortable and relaxed with my work stresses. Things are going well.

Procrastinate Tomorrow – 24th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Did the time come to be wasted?
Why do tomorrow what can be done today?
Failure comes along quickly tasted
Do it now and get it out of the way
Don’t waste time wishing when the end comes
Do you really think you’ll live forever
Wondering why you cannot square the sums
No one’s time is ever made to measure

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty happy and a little tired. Having trouble with new technology (new for me) has made me stressed at times but I think I’m getting a better understanding of it.

Today I’m grateful for:

There being food in the freezer (that I bought yesterday) so I could easily eat when I got home without having to go back out again. Not much left for tomorrow now though I can probably figure out how to fill my stomach if I’m tired again.

The best thing about today was:

Meeting my M4 class of students who are a little older and a little more responsible and prepared to learn. A breath of fresh air compared with what I’m used to. I can see already some of my younger students in a couple of other classes are going to test my patience especially one who filled in an online question with ‘fuck you’! I had to laugh. It wasn’t serious, he was just trying to be clever. These new classes feel like a better mix than last year but I might be proved wrong about that too.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I guess this goes back to the technology that I mentioned above. I needed to get everyone logged into Quizizz and it was a big pain especially as most of the student’s phones are set to Thai. I think I worked out that because I sent a link in LINE it opens a window in the app instead of in the phone’s browser. This seemed to cause inconsistencies with the student names. I guess I’ll figure it out over the next few days but I hope it doesn’t become such a big problem that I have to give up using the app.

I took this picture because I put Tigger outside as often as I am so that he at least has to get his body moving just to get back inside. As I was leaving home he came out onto the long grass to chew some. I think he has an upset tummy at the moment and maybe a little temperature.

Lemon Twist – 23rd May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

You can bitch about your bad luck
For that, it’s not your mistake
But don’t tell me about your problems
From the choices that you make

When you know the path to choose
But opt to follow all the glitter
Don’t be surprised your friends are gone
Leaving you twisted and bitter

10th Apr 2024 – Submitted to RDP Wednesday

Today I’m feeling:

Positive though a little tired. I need to get to sleep a little earlier I think. I was feeling a little dizzy and undernourished around lunchtime so bought a sandwich from 7/11 to keep me going. I did a full app ab workout this morning for the first time in about six months. I hope to keep that going.

Today I’m grateful for:

Kru Wow for offering to use her classroom for my last class of the day because the room we were supposed to be in was already in use. My students were later grateful to me when I let them go early as I finished all that I wanted to do with them and didn’t want to get into anything else.

The best thing about today was:

Meeting my second class of new students for this semester. We managed to get through a little set-up in preparation for the coming weeks.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I mentioned above about having a classroom double booked which was a little frustrating as it was the last two hours of the day and it was boiling hot. I was prepared to let the class have free time but then Kru Wow offered her room.

Something I learned today?

Countries that voted against a ban on killer robots – USA, UK, Israel and Australia. Their justification? China.
China banned certain components from US company Micron citing ‘national security’ concerns just as the US has done to Chinese companies. There does seem to be a little more to the story though, maybe even that the concerns are legitimate.
Testing is being carried out on the high-speed rail between Bandung and Jakarta and is due to open in June. The trains look fantastic.
I learned some stretches for my neck and shoulders.
I learned a little about my new class of grade 7 students. They seem to have a little more skill than the other new class but I’m hoping I can just teach them the same lessons.

What opportunities do I currently have in my life?

I think I have almost unlimited opportunities available to me. I still feel like I can do anything so long as my body and brain can withstand it. I suppose the main opportunity is for self-improvement and adapting to my life constantly changing.

I took this picture because this is the way out from the cafe next to the school. I park my car out here as it is easier for me to drive away on this road. I think our school is quite nice. The gardeners do a hell of a lot of work here.

Isolation – 22nd May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 18 Comments

Trapped within these walls
There are no words to share
Bare functions, dirty nails
Life lived less there

Rats outside running scared
The snakes all need to eat
From sundown to rise again
A dead circle again complete

The echo chamber of the heart
Energy gone to waste
Dreams quietly smashed apart
With only bitterness to taste 

The many paths that led here
Beyond the now closed door
Content in isolation
Left alone forever more

16th Aug 2024 – Submitted to Poets and Storytellers United

Today I’m feeling:

Positive and happy. Mondays are a breeze for me so I enjoyed the whole morning drinking coffee after greeting all the students at assembly. When I went back to school I made some photocopies for David to help him out a little. He is still confused about how things work here and doesn’t really try to help himself in that regard. I chatted with him for a fair while too. He was trying to guess my star sign as he is really into astrology but he guessed wrong and I wouldn’t tell him after that.
I had my first class with new students and took it very easy with them. They were cautious but seemed happy enough. The class didn’t feel too big even though there are 29 students. I felt good and came home as that was me done for the day.

Today I’m grateful for:

The gummy sticky oily rubber tape that Amy’s dad bought to hopefully stop the guttering from leaking in the garage next time it rains. I sanded the metal down and cut the tape to size. The tape smells like it’s full of cancer which, I don’t know, maybe gives it a balance in that something made of carcinogenic material is likely the only thing to stop the bad thing from happening. I’m reasonably hopeful it will work in the short term but all the different types of relentless weather tests even things made of stone. I also need to get on the roof and check the gutter is clear too. Dirt gets trapped up there easily and plants and weeds here don’t need much of anything to start growing.

The best thing about today was:

Almost all my students coming to me saying that they miss me and they want me to be their teacher again. I know they’ll soon get over it but it definitely made me feel good.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Oddly, despite this being the first day back in class I can’t really find anything that felt out of my control. Talking with David he started saying he doesn’t know how I do it, in reference to just getting on with my job and not letting the people around me bother me. It took me a while to figure it out and find the balance I need to be stable. David overthinks things sometimes and sure people are out to get him in some way whereas I’ve come to the conclusion that other people are thinking about you very little, if at all. And even if they are gossiping it’s none of my business. I’m doing what I’m doing and if that’s not good enough then I’m sure someone will let me know.

Something I learned today?

Well, I guessed I learned a little about one of my classes of new students. I see them again first thing in the morning and will do little interviews with them to get a better idea of where they are at.  I will be learning quite a lot this week – more than the students!

How can I make today amazing?

I don’t do amazing. Why is amazing something to strive for? My mundane days are full of amazing things. Every interaction with every atom around me is amazing for what it is. Of course, I’m not always thinking about each of those interactions but when I do I find myself in awe.
Today was filled with love, joy and happiness.

I took this picture because this cactus that got smashed a couple of weeks ago is starting to sprout new wings already.

My first day of teaching and I only have one hour to teach, annoyingly at 1.30 so I have to wait around all morning. This is ok though. I can get a bunch of things done and ensure that I have things prepared for the rest of the week.
Recently I haven’t been taking Tramadol very often and I’m surprised at the lack of side effects not taking it this time; usually, I get really dizzy. But I think I’ll pop some again once I get back into the working habit.
I’m feeling pretty okay again. I’m glad to be out of home, as much as I love it there.
One of my students, Eing Eing, was a little reticent about studying with David this semester and kept telling me she wanted me to teach her and that she loves me. Quite a few students are disappointed that I’m not teaching them.
It’s a nice feeling to have their appreciation. But this is life and we don’t get everything we want.
Soon enough they will be telling David that they love him too.