Month: August 2023

Old Gems – 11th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When I read those things
I didn’t understand why
They made sense to me
But unable to apply
Not yet ready for wisdom
To be practised so
One day I’ll realise
The things I already know

inspired by a post at Spinning Visions that reminded me of myself and my own looking back and finding old gems in diaries where I realise that I knew what was ‘good’ and ‘right’ but was not mature enough to actually be ‘good’ and ‘right’.

Today I’m feeling:

Woke up many times last night feeling either hot or cold. Combined with my tiredness I may have a fever but came to school anyway though decided to just give work to my final class and have them submit it online so I can go home again. Annoying to be getting sick with another long weekend. Nevermind.

Today I’m grateful for:

Bandcamp and their new option for listening parties which I just tried out today with the release of the Flesh Narc compilation. A couple of people tuned in but I can see now that it will be better planned a little more in advance and promoted a bit more. 

The best thing about today was:

Picking up my guitar again after five days off. I got really into it even though I knew I was playing badly. Sometimes I just turn up the songs so loud that it’s hard to even hear what I’m playing. 

I’m lost in a, not even air guitar but air emotion as if I’m in front of a thousand people and feel like I really mean it! Look at me, wasn’t I great? Ah, it was nothing. 

I still feel like I’m twelve years old and can’t help myself sometimes.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I ordered some canna butter that came in a small bottle with a pipette. I figured it would be best kept in the fridge thinking that it was like a thick oil. 

Tonight I thought I’d give it a try and twisted the lid which then snapped the pipette in half. No worries I thought, there’s a little bit sticking out that I can pull out with my teeth. It was then, with a sudden crunch, that I discovered that the pipette was made of glass and I had a mouthful of tiny shards of glass. 

After spitting them out I looked at the bottle more and could see that inside the bottle, which is presumably liquid at room temperature, the substance had hardened like real butter and the rest of the glass pipette tube was stuck solid in it.

I’ll try to figure out how to not swallow any glass whilst trying the, hopefully, liquid once it gets back to room temperature.

Something I learned today?

I suppose I could say I learned how the Bandcamp listening parties work, as I talked about it above. That was probably the main thing for me today though I surely took in lots of other little bits of information.

I took this picture because I let Tigger out for a little while as the sun was shining. I found him here in one of his favourite spots, in the garage under the cover of the big leaves. A perfect view of incoming opportunity or danger.

Spreading The Pain – 10th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

I hate myself and I’m letting go
I’m about to tell you what I know
Transferring hate counters my pain
Until I start to feel the hate again

A vicious circle, beyond my control
I chose to further damage my soul
If you refuse this hate from me
How will I ever learn to be?

Closed my mind to all your tales
All my successes feel like fails
I found myself brought to my knees
To spread more pain as I please

A walking contradiction runs away
From all the friends that want to play
A pain no longer able to bear
And no helping hands left to care

A loser in life, love and existence
Taking the path of least resistance
Kill me now, I’m scared to commit
Suicide – I just can’t do it

Today I’m feeling:

Bleary but upbeat. I hung around at school for an hour enjoying hanging out with all the many students I know and even some I don’t know. I came out for coffee but sitting here for a couple hours has seen my energy levels fall and I decided to cancel my class this afternoon and go home, especially as Amy leaves again tomorrow morning.

Today I’m grateful for:

Some sun breaking through for an hour or two to dry our washing. I still have a couple of doonas to take to the laundromat that will need washing and drying which I’ll try and do this weekend.

The best thing about today was:

Coming home to find that Amy had mopped and vacuumed before she leaves tomorrow. As we have another long weekend coming I can enjoy a clean and relaxing house.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

We’d told Aing that I fly to Australia on October 12th so asked her to come here on the 11th. As I had to tell Bronwyn and Jochen what dates I would be there I thought to double-check my flight details and discovered that I actually leave on the 9th! Luckily we hadn’t booked her ticket already! With a few messages back and forth everything is confirmed and we’re good to go!

Something I learned today?

I watched another Jerry’s Take On China about how the US is stirring up trouble in the South China Sea about a reef claimed by both China and the Philippines. Amazing how easily reality can get distorted through the lens of corrupt and compromised media. I find it difficult to reconcile that I’m more likely to trust Chinese state media these days. At least in amongst the weirdly Asian political presentation style it is just generally facts that are stated. No opinion or bias just plain reporting. The criticism will be that it is completely biased to the party’s doctrine but that criticism can also be directed to any Western media these days too. No matter the many-party system, there is really only one party. As the old saying goes, ‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the government always wins’.

What are some of my favourite song lyrics?

All the quotes that I entered here for 2022 I entered into a little notebook to send to Hayden. As there was lots of space left I decided to fill it with lyrics that I love. But when going through them and looking at them as words they somehow lose their impact. Some words carry their emotion in the way they are sung along with the memories of sweet times gone.

I took this picture because I received a nice package from Reece in the USA containing the Flesh Narc compilation which I will release soon, along with a whole slew of bonuses that I will have to find time to enjoy.

No Knowing – 9th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

*I only blinked my eye
Suddenly then I knew
I would sooner die
Than doing all I wanted to do

Still practising my growing
With every single breath
Now there’s no knowing
The time to face my death

What I want to say to you
Has many times been said
Do everything you want to do
Before you end up dead

*appropriated from this blog post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

So tired this morning as I didn’t sleep well. Being back together in the cool aircon of our bedroom proper was nice and saw us off to sleep nicely with Cap joining us but, Cap being Cap, he wanted to go in and out a couple of times during the night which meant me opening and closing the door for him. The last time it was almost light so I left the door ajar for him but Tigger also came in and Amy woke up to find him peeing on her bed. First day back and already these cats treat our fresh-smelling beds as their toilets. 

Of course, I got into trouble (with Amy) for leaving the door open. I delayed my alarm to allow an extra 15 minutes of tossing and turning and I would dearly love to be back in bed sleeping more right now.

Today I’m grateful for:

The cafe next door to school changed its policy for every tenth coffee free, getting rid of it completely. I cried that I only had two more to go and then said, how about today for free? To which they agreed and I went away happy. As usual, the taste of their coffee is awful but it has a hell of a caffeine hit.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out that there is some event tomorrow morning and it’s optional whether to teach or not. I will definitely not teach the first class and not sure about the second one yet. I’ll see how I and they feel tomorrow morning.

I ended up chatting to one of the students who said they thought that they would have to do some tasks which will take all morning so, what the hell? I doubt if it will take that long but I know they would prefer whatever it is they will be doing over sitting in a classroom anyway.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Many things out of my control today but I’m getting better at just going with it and not getting stressed about things. I can definitely feel that this has changed for me over the last couple of years.

Something I learned today?

I did 5 minutes research into overcoming sensitivity after being bullied and read that CBT is a suggested therapy to help. I will offer some advice and information to the student whom I talked with yesterday evening.

I took no pictures because my brain couldn’t expand enough into the spaces to find something interesting to take a picture of despite interesting things occurring around me. Now is the struggle to find interest in the minutiae, in the minor, in the greys and browns.

Thank Goodness For Paranoia – 8th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A cautious step on an icy ledge
Let slip the dogs of war
The days of diplomacy are over
And goons are knocking at the door

Never hold the gaze for more than a second
The men in black are tweaking
The files are closed on past misdemeanours
Until they’re ready for leaking

Good job Gloria, that’s how you do
Surviving all these years of top
Surveilling from behind the screen
Until the penny is about to drop

Baby’s got a blankie to hold
A security against the fear
The blinds are drawn, doors are locked
So it will not happen here

A boy in a bubble, breathing hope
He wants to be just like you
Who decides on a normal life
When they will surely die too?

Today I’m feeling:

Ok so far though getting up was difficult.

In the middle of the night, I was dreaming of Forest Cottage again and knew I needed to pee but, still in the dream, it felt like it was so close I had to run to the bathroom and when I got there I saw in my pants that I couldn’t contain it all in time but I enjoyed the feeling of relief as I wondered when I would ever stop peeing.

Finally, the dream woke me up realizing I needed to pee and thankfully I had managed to contain it so far. I fumbled out of bed still not quite with it and stumbled around the edge and head first into the wardrobe. With a loud crack, I dropped back onto the bed waking Amy and suddenly wide awake myself. I have a nice forehead bruise for my troubles this morning.

Today I’m grateful for:

My subconscious, telling me to wake up and go to the bathroom before wetting the bed. I hope these dreams don’t stop and I long have the ability to make it to the toilet in time.

The best thing about today was:

Hearing that our aircon component is here. However…. he’s here working on it right now and whilst it is working the air is not cold. One problem fixed and perhaps another created. Have to wait and see. It would be nice to be back in our familiar bedroom again although Amy is saying that my snoring is disturbing her sleep and wants to sleep in separate rooms!

About an hour later and we finally have it fixed again. Woohoo!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

For my second class today I planned on using Quizizz online but as I sat to start it everything had disappeared from my account which was a bit of a worry as there are weeks of work of mine there, but I figured it must be some site-wide issue that will get fixed in time. But what to do for my class that was already ten minutes through the one hour allocated?

In my earlier class, I had played categories with them which went well enough but took about 20 minutes to get set up. During my break, I had taken five minutes to put together the table in a document so the kids didn’t have to draw it (which one student had struggled with!). So I quickly ran and printed off the sheets and divided the kids into groups, taking most of the phones off them, and allowing just one per group to use for searching answers. 

Thankfully this group of kids are pretty obedient and even if they are not sure what I’m saying they quickly learn from each other. We were able to quickly have fun playing the game with 95% of the class taking part before I allocated 4 students to clean and kicked the rest out to their next class. Job done!

Also, with the aircon repair taking an hour or two I’ve run out of time to play guitar today which is a little annoying but I know that in the future there will also be days with lots of free time and I will be too lazy to play. Also, sometimes taking a break from something reminds you how much better you’ve become when you pick it up again.

Something I learned today?

Wow, I just finished a long chat with another student suffering depressive symptoms. Although I didn’t see it before their behaviour makes sense in hindsight.

Who has made a difference in my life lately?

I guess this one is pretty obvious for me right now as Amy has been back for three weeks and is about to leave again already. When I’m by myself I can get into a very familiar routine that becomes comfortable and though the acceptance of that change wasn’t that difficult it was still something to work through. When she is back again permanently things will change again and a new routine will reveal itself.

I took this picture last month because it was amazing to see so much fruit from this palm. No new picture today again! Maybe tomorrow I just give my phone to a random student and ask them to take pictures for me and see what they come up with!

Bad Foot – 7th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

There is no bad foot
When putting forward
The only way is back

Once it’s understood
It’s no longer awkward
To stumble along this track

Today I’m feeling:

It’s been a good day with lots of well-utilised free time in the morning, a quick hang-out with students, a class and home again to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 3 through the dodgy Thai websites. 

My exercise in the morning definitely put me in the right frame of mind for the day.

Today I’m grateful for:

The aforementioned dodgy Thai websites for making current movies available for free. There’s a small chance that I would’ve watched this in a cinema but if Amy hadn’t mentioned it I probably wouldn’t have even known there was a third film in this franchise.

The best thing about today was:

Catching up on blog updates including an old diary entry from 1984 that a quick chat with Rupert helped remind me about. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I woke up this morning Cap followed me into the bathroom and as I sat on the toilet brushing my teeth he carefully got into the litter tray but left his butt hanging over the edge and so ended up pooping on the floor. I held my nose and cleaned up after him wondering how he is so stupid sometimes. He’s cute but stupid. 

Also, I haven’t had time to play guitar for the past three days but know it is there waiting for the right time. I don’t feel like playing so much whilst Amy is around. I think she is going out tomorrow evening so I may get a chance then.

Something I learned today?

New Zealand has decided not to join the AUKUS defence alliance which is a bit of a snub to the USA and has folks predicting a soft CIA-manipulated coup there soon. I’d like to think that was unlikely but at the same time, I heard a great diatribe about the CIA-trained students in China that turned the peaceful demonstrations in Tiananmen Square in 1989, which were initially just general grievances about economics, into the violent riots that saw rioters kill at least 300 unarmed PLA soldiers attempting to clear the square before tanks were ordered in. The more I hear and read about this event the more I’ve changed my opinion about what happened.

What am I looking forward to this week?

Bruno just contacted me about a ride at the weekend and if the weather isn’t good then just to grab coffee somewhere. Amy leaves on Friday and whilst I’m looking forward to my last seven weeks of relative freedom I’ll also miss her being around again. Despite our petty annoyances with each other, we have a lot of fun.

I’m looking forward to a bit of free time tomorrow morning too, to catch up on some reading and writing.

And as mentioned above I’m looking forward to playing more guitar.

No new pictures today so this one is from last week. Another angle of the dragon fruit plant flower, which still hasn’t turned into any fruit. I like the colours in this one and the light raindrops. The flowers end up looking soggy after a bit of rain as if they were made of paper.

Unlovable – 6th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Why did she think she was unlovable?
I know she deserved much better than me
It hurt us both at the time
But the right thing to do to set her free

Then it was I who became unlovable
And I myself chose to believe
Eventually, we both came to realise
It’s only ourselves we deceive

A true story.

Today I’m feeling:

As predicted I had to get up a couple of times in the night as my guts gurgled and my ass burned and I had to skip my usual alarm not getting up for another two-plus hours at around 9.30 am. The grey outside had maintained the same level of brightness that it still seemed early morning. I skipped a shower and went straight for coffee, still wary that caffeine may soon trigger some kind of explosive action from my rear but so far so good.

When I got home I found that our clock had stopped last night and discovered that I had an extra hour and a half of day left. Bonus!

Today I’m grateful for:

Grabbing some soft serve ice cream at the little stall near the market which happens to be next door to where my student Baipad lives. I looked into the shop, which is a hairdresser and saw what must have been Baipad’s little sister running around. She was totally a mini version of Baipad which is saying something as Baipad is already short. She looked super cute.

Anyway, the ice cream was yummy.

The best thing about today was:

The grey skies never lifted for the whole day and rain is forecast 100% for the next eight days too. So it’s difficult to say what might have been the best thing today beyond such usual things as reading books and reading comics. That’s OK. It wasn’t a bad day by any means.

Oh, I just remembered I spent a couple of hours watching the football this morning too. That was pretty good as we won in a tight game with the Giants. With three games left, there is still a slim chance we can make the finals but it means winning every game and other results going our way.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Weather-inspired lethargy set in early. I just went with it.

Something I learned today?

China’s natural gas and oil reserves are deeper than other countries forcing them to drill the deepest holes ever and pushing their technological advancement at the same time.

What are three small victories I’ve achieved lately?

I’d somehow like to think that I have won over at least three lazy naughty students recently but should probably only count that as one.

I’m struggling to think of things I might consider victories. Life might be a battle but moving forward doesn’t feel like victory it just feels normal. Perhaps as a good life should.

Slow improvements to learning Thai and playing guitar don’t feel like victories because that’s the natural outcome of practice.

Victory also feels like it implies that there is a loser too.

Are there three losses that I’ve accepted recently? I don’t think so.

Rista took this picture last week because she wanted to see the camera quality on my new phone. This is her and Namkhing, who everyone seems to love. Her English is very poor but she will happily try when I push her which is a positive as far as I’m concerned. Perhaps this is part of her personality which others find attractive.
Posting this picture as, unsurprisingly, I didn’t take any today. With the forecast, I’m wondering when I might take more again.

Desserts – 5th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Making pain beautiful
A fetish the mirror reflects
Aestheticised agony
The image that projects

Decorated with poetry
And kept like a secret
It’s cool and mysterious
And you get to keep it

Please fall in love and fix
Worthy of attention
Look at the beautiful mess
Deserving of affection

inspired by musings at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Although I wanted to enjoy sleeping longer I got up and out for coffee. Amy had called during the night, though I couldn’t quite get what was happening. She was at the nightclub and I knew she could take care of herself. She hadn’t made it home but ended up calling and was staying at Aor’s house after some mini escapades. All was well though. Still feeling positive after yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Sichuan hotspot. A new Chinese hotspot shop opened in Bandu so we gave it a go and filled our bellies with delicious burning chilli and peppers. I may be less grateful if I suddenly have to rush to the bathroom during the night. My stomach feels like that may be a possibility.

The best thing about today was:

Reading more of the SNFU book whilst drinking my coffees at Utopia. I’m really enjoying it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Tiredness caught up with me for an afternoon nap that I was really reluctant to get up from. I felt like I could just keep sleeping until tomorrow. I will go back to bed soon too, for a stretch of comic book reading first but I will look forward to my sleep and my dreams.

Something I learned today?

Mega Home doesn’t stop fabric spray like Febreeze or the better heavy-duty version I found at Home Pro before.

I took this picture because there was nothing particularly exciting today except for our early spicy dinner.

Old Man Of Twenty One – 4th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I was from there, but you came from here
And now we’re here you want to leave
Beyond our borders, greener grasses
Chasing after the things that we believe

The world is sure bigger than we understand
To dip toes in the sand or look out from the hill
People leaving for ports unknown
And then we feel as if we’re standing still

For miles and miles, watch the Earth curve
And start running towards all your dreams
But one day, we arrive and reminisce
For the days when nothing was what it seems

Yesterday I was seventeen and tomorrow I’ll be dead
Pretending to be adult til that’s what I became
Dismissing the words of my all-knowing elders
Who’d long since been through the same

Those times we thought we were at the centre
And everything was made for us to hold
Now understood to be just youthful wishes
With the wisdom that came from getting old

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions and its connection with my own experience.

Today I’m feeling:

Really good. An easy day with a nice long gap between easy classes. With only about 6 hours of good sleep last night, I knew I was tired but was able to just remain laid back and go with the flow.

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy persisting in hugging me last night before arousing me from my lucid dreams and into a delicious tangle of hips and limbs before we even managed to kiss. 30 minutes later and I was happily drifting into crazy dreams for far too short a time.

The best thing about today was:

From my ab workout and muesli yoghurt breakfast until sitting in this cool aircon before sleeping it’s been a day of feeling happy and spreading a little happiness around. A little bit of joy was shared between us all.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

One of my students, Namfon, couldn’t do work in my class yesterday because she had no internet connection on her phone. This morning I asked her to come and talk to me and Kru Karn because I wanted to know how we could fix the situation. I could tell Kru Karn was really short with her and blaming her and Namfon started to look dejected and almost teary. I felt sorry for her but also wanted her to know that a solution had to be found. When we went back to class I tried to comfort her and she did eventually come round to a little smile. 

In my afternoon class lovely little Nicha had a cry too because, although she didn’t admit it to me until later, she couldn’t understand the work I wanted her to do. There was a lot of work and other students were too busy to help her. She told me her frustrations and again I tried to comfort her and she impressed me with being able to read more words this year. Even though she is one of the older kids she hasn’t really matured yet and, sadly, she’s been left behind in her class. It is a frustrating situation for everyone because she could easily slip through the cracks and deserves a better chance than what is on offer.

Something I learned today?

Again with students, I saw Fah in class today and she looked lost in thought and upset about something which is unusual for her. When I bumped into her l asked her about it and she couldn’t explain in English and just said รำคาญ which I later looked up to find means annoyed. I’m learning language in use.

I took this picture last month because all the paddies are getting seeded and this should all look amazing again in a couple of months’ time. No new picture today so having to dig back.

The Saviours – 3rd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Philosophy and art are the saviours
When becoming bored with beauty
Chasing the objects of our desires
Has become a mindless duty

Nature holds a love so special
This day ripe and then tomorrow rotten
To make the thought last forever
To contemplate all that’s forgotten

Unsatisfied with the richest rewards
The sparks must generate resistance
As though seeing things for the first time
Is the wonder of one’s existence

inspired by a recent Stoa Letter newsletter
4th Apr 2024 – Submitted to My Vivid Blog

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty positive. Woke up with a start when my alarm went off. I was in the middle of a dream where I jumped into some icy water and got sucked into a cave and started drowning. But then I was watching myself counting whilst holding my breath to see if I had enough air to find my way out. 

When I arrived at my first class the kids were early and busy doing work so I asked them why and they said they hadn’t done the work in the six-day break and had to finish before their next class. I asked them what it was about and it was something to do with a futuristic world. So I let them carry on and I prepared a related quiz for them for the second half of the class which they are competitively doing now. Easy work for me so far.

Today I’m grateful for:

Hearing that Hayden has landed himself a full-time job in Brisbane. I’m not sure how this will affect being able to see him whilst I’m there but I hope this might be a good starting point for him to find a routine that he can work out to his advantage.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying being back at school even on my busiest day of classes. I had everything in order and things ran pretty smoothly. 

I also advanced myself a little bit with my guitar practising, finally being able to stumble through some difficult tunes well enough to pass that section. I’ve been stuck at the same level for two years or more mainly because there’s a fingerpicking section that I’m not particularly interested in completing but I’ll give it a go again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing untoward out of my control today. Things that were out of my control were treated as such.

Something I learned today?

I had a little look at my old lessons on Google Slides today and can see that they should be relatively easy to convert to Quizizz for use next semester. Apart from being unable to control the students forgetting logins and passwords, I feel more confident using the system now and finding a good tool for tracking and ensuring work is done and revised again easily.

What do I need to let go of?

There is a certain person that I would like to get out of my thoughts. I need to let go of any resentment and bitterness that has been left. In fact, I don’t have those feelings much but somehow this person’s actions in the past come back to haunt me as validation that my attitude towards them is correct but what I would prefer is to just not care. I don’t have anything to prove so why do I keep comparing?

I took this picture because here is the top princess of the house, keeping a careful watch on his human staff.

Cyberpsychopath – 2nd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hiding in the dark webs, to lurk and deceive
More reckless the more special you believe
Cyberpunk psychopaths, momentary flame
Burned white hot until the end of the game

Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday’s afternoon coffee kept me until midnight reading comics though I fell asleep immediately once I turned off my iPad. A nice lazy nine hours later and I’m up and drinking coffee at Utopia preparing my mind for the two days of school this week.

Today I’m grateful for:

Anything. Sometimes I feel that I take everything for granted. I think about just putting on some good shoes and walking down the highway to Bangkok with nothing. To put myself in some ridiculous situation that I will never actually attempt, and remind myself just how good I have it.

I know I have it easy yet sometimes feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

The best thing about today was:

Amy’s carrot cake which improves over time. This evening it was more delicious than yesterday, perhaps also aided by my hunger. Nuts, vegetables, cake. That’s my dinner.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Tigger didn’t eat this morning which is a bit unusual but sometimes when he has a hairball he’s like that. He did eat a little bit in the afternoon but he looked a bit exhausted. Amy decided we should take him to the vet where they found he had an infection and fever. They gave him some medicine and he immediately perked up though he was still obviously stressed to be at the vet’s. We have to keep him inside for a couple of days and take him back again on Saturday.

Something I learned today?

Stupid humans can make a story out of nothing and call it news. Ok, I didn’t learn this today but it was reinforced when mainstream media headlined a story that ‘Chinese zoo accused of a bear being a human in a bear suit’. I’m getting to the point again of cutting out news media from my life, even ones that are of interest to me as they often highlight and ridicule the stupid humans doing and saying stupid things. I want to believe that the majority is better than that.

What is one thing I can do to improve my mental well-being?

Exercise. That’s it. I know it works and it’s the hardest to motivate yourself to do when your mental health is not good.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to worry less about ______ and more about ______.

I’ve been looking at this prompt for several days now and am still not sure what to write. I’m struggling to recall some of the things that I used to worry about or that, looking back, weren’t actually worth worrying about at that time.

Sometimes I would worry about what people thought of me but then at other times didn’t care at all. I still don’t much care though I’m not arrogant or over the top about it. 

Amy told her friends that I’m an introvert but I don’t think I am particularly. I just don’t interact much with people who don’t really fall into my group of interests. And I’m ok to be by myself. I don’t need attention. 

When I was younger I worried a little about money because it was difficult to find. I don’t have a need to worry about that too much these days.

I used to feel incomplete without a girlfriend but I never really worried about it, it was just a desire to be sharing my life with one person. I’m not sure why that was.

So maybe I would tell myself not to have worried about that so much and learned to love myself more and sooner.

In some ways, I grew up slowly, about ten years later than the stereotypical norm. I was in my early 30s when I was behaving like I was in my early 20s. That’s OK. I got there in the end and maybe it’s keeping me feeling ten years younger than I actually am.

I took this picture because Cap has been squeezing himself into Kim’s old favourite sleeping spot. You can still see Kim’s fur along the edges. I miss her so much and every time I think of her I get teary and the only way I cope is to not think of her. Cap is too big for the space so bits of him flow over the edges.