Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Animal Pure – 14th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

These relations are an approximation
Things are more beautiful when you are on the outside 
Trusting the seasons more than people
Loving the cities, loving the animals
I know. I know. I know. Don’t get too close
I’m not letting anyone in.

inspired and paraphrased from Broken Summers by Henry Rollins

Today I’m feeling:

(morning)Expectant, anticipating. Winding up with stress. Envisioning feelings and actions of tomorrow.
(bedtime)At the moment I’m feeling a bit despondent if I’m honest. I don’t have a clear direction or purpose right now. 

Today I’m grateful for:

Receiving a new T-shirt in the mail that I wore for the first time today. It has a new t-shirt smell and feel for the first and only time. After the first wash that will be gone.

The best thing about today was:

Meeting a lovely little kitten when I was picking up lunch. Reminded me a lot of when we first got Kim Chi. I felt an excitement from the unconditional affection it gave me. I thought about what it would be like if I took this kitten home right now and it made me a little sad because I don’t want to lose and replace my memories of Kim. I know I will lose them one day and maybe that will be a better time to think about new additions to the family.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy made another quip about my not knowing enough Thai when I told her about the aircon people. She said ‘How am I going to survive in Thailand if I don’t communicate more?’ though I’ve been here by myself for most of 18 months and during most of that time she’s talked about us staying in Australia which doesn’t inspire me so much to want to struggle more with learning the language. I felt frustrated and a little disconsolate. Maybe I should go and find some intensive course to study next April, somewhere in the south where I can avoid the air pollution for a while.

Something I learned today?

I saw some Google AI updates for Gmail that looked useful though it would’ve been more useful to me about 20 years ago. I don’t use email so much these days.

What is the weather like right now?

Cooler and cloudy. Low clouds making the mountains pretty. There’s sun over there somewhere as it’s hitting sections of the mountain lighting them up in a peculiar fashion as the cooler cloud sits above.

I took this picture because I made a new friend at lunchtime.

Busy With Nothing – 13th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Stuck in traffic going home
I’m busier than a bee
I’ve got no real friends to phone
To hear my annoying plea
My girlfriend or my shoes?
Everything is a problem to me
I got everything to lose
And that’s all that I can see
Running round in circles 
Is this all I’ll ever be?
Searching for the exit sign
Will you come and set me free?

Today I’m feeling:

A little inspired. My brain is gearing up slowly. A slow start off the grid but preparing to hit cruise speed as quickly as I can.

Today I’m grateful for:

Can I say coffee again? Art mixed a blend for me this morning that was delicious and smooth. So good that I stayed for three cups.
But I can’t always be putting coffee here so let’s be thankful for my back door, of which a big chunk of wood came off today. Pounded by intense sunshine, wild variations in temperature and cold mountain rain it was only a matter of time until it would start disintegrating. We have a screen door so no critters can get it thankfully.

The best thing about today was:

Watching a little lizard in my living room suddenly run out from behind the tv cabinet with its head held up. It was looking at the wall and an ant appeared from behind the curtain. After a second of stalking the ant was in its mouth and it dashed off to safety behind the cabinet again to enjoy its meal. This is a lizard house and without them, it would be an ant house.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Today the aircon repair people called me but they couldn’t speak any English and my Thai wasn’t good enough but I did understand enough to hear ‘add LINE’ and I said ok. I put their phone number into LINE and their profile came up but when I clicked ‘add’ it said the account had been deleted. Thankfully it’s cooler today and there seems to be enough cool air coming through to keep the bedroom at a good temperature. I haven’t had the air on in the living room today as it has been just cool enough….but only just.

Something I learned today?

I watched a Jerry Grey video about the Chinese ‘police stations’ supposedly around the world and all roads lead back to a Swedish guy who was deported from China (I forget the reason ) who has a grudge.  The alleged ‘police stations’ are nothing more than administration offices offering services to Chinese citizens who need documents processed to save them from having to return to China to do it and all the people working in them are not diplomats so they don’t have immunity to local laws. Two people were arrested in New York and as Jerry says it is likely that no crimes will be found to have been committed but there will be no reactions or apologies ever offered and either way it’s just another small piece of propaganda on top of a huge fucking pile that has been building for years.

What’s on my mind right now?

I’m feeling a nervous excitement for the new semester and meeting new students. In some ways, I’m glad that the main classes I taught last year I will only see briefly this semester. I loved them all dearly but they sure did exhaust me testing my patience. I’m wondering if I can disconnect myself a little from my students this year. Connecting in such a way has upsides and downsides. It fills up a reciprocal affection that warms the heart yet devastates at the end of each semester when everyone goes their separate ways.

I took this picture because this tree is fully in bloom again. It seems like only a couple of months ago it was blooming. The tropics are wild.

7th June 2023 – All the flowers in this picture dropped again but now another new lot is blooming. Weird.

One Less Star – 12th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 6 Comments

The light has gone out
The night sky one less star
Aimlessly shuffling about
Wondering just where you are

Left alone to ponder
Bereft of the joy of tomorrow
Blinkered as I wander
Drowning in all this sorrow

31st Jul 2024 – Submitted to dVerse – grief

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more upbeat and lively today. I ended up having a reasonable sleep last night though woke up before my alarm. A quick workout and a cold shower got me going and I ended up at House preparing lessons for about three hours without feeling tired or bored.

Today I’m grateful for:

Eventually realising I could take the covers off the sofa cushions that have cat spray on them and I was able to wash them. Why didn’t I realise this before!?

The best thing about today was:

Getting in the zone whilst putting together lessons this morning at House. I ended up drinking three coffees whilst I was there. I’m starting to look forward to being back in the classroom.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I didn’t manage to finish writing this on Friday as I got distracted by reading comics instead. I’m handling it by updating here on Saturday morning.
Some days are tough to write. Somehow the feeling is that nothing is important. Everything is just time wasted until it’s your turn to die. Yet still I strive. Because not all days feel like that. I sometimes envy happy people, funny people, warm inviting people. But it’s impossible for me to put on the act that would be required for me to be like that. I try to be sincere and true to myself. I want my brain to tell me I’m happy. Sometimes it works.

Something I learned today?

I saw a preliminary student list and thankfully most of the classes will have fewer students than last year and my M4 class (15/16-year-olds) only has 16 and 14 of them are girls. That class is looking like it will be a breeze.

7th June 2023 – I just finished a lesson with this class, which now only has 15 students as one boy left. It is indeed a breeze even though there are only two students with reasonable English. The rest are mature enough not to fuck it for everyone and they struggle through.

What was a small detail I noticed today?

I ate a tube of Pringles today and as neared the end I thought that I could use the tube to make a little birdhouse by cutting a hole in it. There are birds nesting everywhere around our house and there’s a spot between the panels and the roof I can put the tube and see if they go inside. They already have a bit of a messy nest up there and it would be fun to see if they adopt themselves into this new home.

7th June 2023 – They haven’t used it so far, preferring their mess of dried grass instead.

I took this picture because this is the school cat, Garfield. Almost the spitting image of little Kim and has a similar carefree attitude.

Disorder Based Rules – 11th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A roll of the dice
With a careful nudge
Generals in sync
Will refuse to budge
The game of Risk
Is a risky game
Must be ensured
It’s played the same
Rules are manufactured
Out of thin air
Top of the pecking order
Keeps the lion’s share
Disorder is maintained
To keep challenges at bay
If you want to win the game
It must be played this way

Today I’m feeling:

Cautious. A little dizzy. Not unhappy or negative but not quite right. At only 11 am, I’m feeling tired and sleepy already.

Today I’m grateful for:

A new deodoriser I found at HomePro that seems to work quite well. There’s a bad cat pee smell on the sofa though I can’t find exactly where so I’m going through spraying the deodoriser on the sofa bit by bit.

The best thing about today was:

Being able to look out of my window and see the mountains clearly again across the rice fields. It makes me feel more connected to the world.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Despite trying to fight it I napped/lucid-dreamed through listening to a Black Midi CD. Thankfully it wasn’t long enough to stop me from getting into bed before 9 pm. I think my general lack of motivation and enthusiasm is going around in ever-decreasing circles with my tiredness.

Something I learned today?

I found out that Earn at House will leave on Saturday to go and study at a university in Bangkok. Her English is pretty good and though she’s not shy, she’s also not chatty. A little like myself I think.

What are some words that best describe my personality?

Today:
Quiet
Thoughtful
Lethargic
Unimpressed
Nature loving
Lazy
Depressive
Happy

Yes, I can suffer symptoms of depression and be happy at the same time. And I also feel that though I’m a little unimpressed and uninspired at the moment I’m also a little optimistic along with it.

I took this picture because this year we may end up with enough lychees to eat, rather than the insects or birds getting them all.

Iceberg – 10th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Under the waterline
Is where dignity remains
Invisible to others
The pleasure and the pains

Behind the smile
Is where the psyche trains
Inside the mind
Words to the self explains

Not all thunder
Brings along the rains
Under the waterline
Are made the unseen gains

Today I’m feeling:

Slept well last night and feel ok today though not particularly motivated. I’m hoping that will return next week when the kids are back at school.

Today I’m grateful for:

7-11 food. Although I’m a little negative about 7-11 because there are way too many stores nearby I’m glad that they at least give me an alternative for a quick microwave meal that can stave off my hunger.

The best thing about today was:

Dropping by to see Bruno and Nut and being offered lunch. It was good to catch up with them though they were hungover from a long day of drinking yesterday. They were feeling a bit slow and I didn’t really have much to update them with so I didn’t stay for too long. It made me realise that I’m not used to communicating after five weeks being mostly at home by myself. I know my mood will lift once I see my students again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

On Telegram today I got a notification that my old colleague at the cafe in Woolworths, Joy had just joined so I sent a message saying hello. I got a reply but it seems like it’s not her and I got an angry message asking if I was a scammer. It got me thinking that we have years and years of old contact numbers kept in our phones and computers that many people will have gotten new numbers and then after a few years those old numbers get recycled. What feels like a strange world that we live in will just feel normal to the younger generations and then one day they will get to feel like this too.

Something I learned today 

I started with the Thai app again mainly just to busy my brain. I also want to try and do a little more meditation again so registered again with Smiling Mind.

What is something I wish I had known when I was younger?

Everything, obviously. There’s no point wishing for something that can’t happen. 

This is my cartoon face. Or more precisely, a younger me’s cartoon face. I’ll do a current one soon.

Dead Skies – 9th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

No movement, no promise
Woke up tired again
The sky has gone grey
Dead and uninspired

Today I’m feeling:

In the morning I was feeling pretty happy. We had a Songkran ceremony blessing the director (or he was blessing us, I don’t know) and folks were having fun splashing water around. I got home around midday and, despite three coffees, I’m starting to feel sleepy as these early mornings are catching up with me already. I must resist the urge to sleep though.

Today I’m grateful for:

My former teenage self for reading books. For some reason, I never really thought of myself as a reader. When I was young it took me a long time to finish a book. On going through my diaries from 1983 and 1984 though I can see that I was reading a lot more than I thought. I can even remember the feeling of reading certain books though the story has long gone. I always saw my mum reading so I guess that influenced me more than I realised too. I surprise myself – when I think about it.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling pretty good at school with all the other teachers for the ceremony. I was able to do some online searching for lesson ideas on my phone whilst they did all the Thai speeches. The atmosphere was pretty positive despite the heat. My shirt was wet with sweat even just sitting still.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

This was actually last night though the result was this morning. Last night was the roughest storm so far and it ripped up another sheet of our roof over the entertainment area. It rained so hard and heavily that the gutters overflowed and in the garage, the water was overflowing into the underside of the roofing though thankfully not into the rooms (from what I could tell anyway). There were even hailstones pounding against the windows. I found the damaged roof this morning and wondering how we can fix this.  There’s nothing much that can be done about the weather except to know that it will happen again one day. Thankfully not much was damaged that hadn’t already been in last week’s storm.

Something I learned today?

I watched a video arguing that English shouldn’t be compulsory in Japanese schools because very few students succeed in learning enough of it. They were arguing that it wastes time for those students who are more interested in learning something else. It made me wonder about Thailand.
My friend Fui,  who I often see in House, always talks about education here. He has sent three of his four kids overseas to study knowing just how bad it is here. He agrees that students should be failed and be held back a year as other countries do rather than just passing everyone. Thailand must look good on paper but the only people it is fooling is themselves.

What is going well in my life right now?

In general, I can’t, or shouldn’t complain except right now I don’t feel particularly enthused about anything much. That will change I’m sure. So, really, everything is going well. I’m very lucky.

Pavlov’s fish. I took this picture because these fish are in the pond outside the cafe at school. Were they there before? I don’t remember. Their reaction to me leaning over to take a picture was to beg for food. Sorry fish.

Random Access – 8th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am a stupid computer
An unsteady machine
Each morning rebooted
Memory wiped clean
I make the truth
Out of evaluations
Processing external data
From multiple sensations
I am a dumb animal
Programmed to suffer
Reset in sleep mode
Emptying my buffer

Today I’m feeling:

I woke up before my alarm, my brain already switching on and into work mode. It was also 30 degrees at 6.30 am and the fan wasn’t doing enough to keep me cool. Now, I’m a little tired, though my mind is active and busy planning for this coming story.

Today I’m grateful for:

Chatting online with a teacher from last semester that left for a new school to get a better salary. She was always nice to me and approachable for a chat. We wished each other well.

The best thing about today was:

Figuring out I could watch the Swans replays through the computer but connected to the TV. Now I can watch us lose in widescreen.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I was informed today that I will be a homeroom teacher’s assistant this semester and given a little idea of what might be required of me. This may disrupt my morning coffee plans but I’ll wait and see next week. It is likely that actually I won’t be required to do much or anything. Either way, I’ll make the best of it. I want to do my best.

Something I learned today?

I found out various things today so it seems I did learn some bits and pieces (see above). I also just received an email from Sharon answering my question about when our grandparents passed away. As I’m trying to piece together various parts of my past it helps put a little bit of order back into the chaos of memory.

What three things do I need to accomplish this week?

I need to get my body clock back in sync with work hours.
I need to knock out as many lesson plans as I can for my classes.
I need to get as much information as I can about timetables, homeroom teachers and getting information sent out to my student’s parents to help me.

I took this picture because the cats are melting into the floor.

It’s been a while away from writing in this book. I’m not too worried about that as I’ve been adding a lot more on the app instead but it is nicer to write with a pen. There’s nothing much to add that can’t be found written already.
Today is the return to school, though it appears mostly this week will be clock-in, hang around and go home. I’ll spend some time at House doing some lesson planning though I’m a bit cautious as I’m not sure how my new versions of my plans are going to work until I actually start in the class. Whatever, I’ll figure it out.
This morning I found out I’ve been assigned to M 1/7 as an assistant homeroom teacher and as Kru Wave described the duties to me I thought to myself, ‘That’s probably not going to happen.’ It all sounds good in theory but kids are not going to listen to me, even if they understand.
One good bit of news is that the M1 (grade 7) classes only have 28 students which is a small improvement.
I’m sweating like a motherfucker as I write this and starting to smudge the page.
Well, here we are again.

Yes, No Stress – 7th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Lives filled with mediocrity
There’s a half-hearted yes
Missed golden opportunities
Because mediocre is no stress
Anything that needs doing
Must be done all the way
And if it doesn’t feel right
Then saying no is ok

Today I’m feeling:

There’s tension building in my body. Had no real problem getting up at 6.30 this morning as I prepare for battle. Slowly I will build up the discipline to fight the days again.

Today I’m grateful for:

A video call from a chatty Amy this morning as I was sipping coffee at Utopia. Amy looked cute and cuddly and I really enjoyed her enthusiasm for life. I miss her being here a lot. I’m quite happy by myself but sometimes I need her to pick me up.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing the Michael Parkinson biography and the Netflix TV series Money Heist. I enjoy the feeling of finishing something knowing that I can move on to something new. Tomorrow it will be getting back into the swing of working again and starting that whole schedule again. I already have the next book lined up, Sapiens but not sure what TV I might get into. I might not for a while as I enjoy reading more.

I also got the music playing all day again in the kitchen, something which I hadn’t been doing since Kim left at the start of this holiday. This holiday hasn’t been very enjoyable at all unfortunately though perhaps it was fortunate that Kim didn’t go in the middle of the semester. I wonder if I would’ve handled it better or not? 

Soon Amy will be back here and we will change all our room arrangements again. I’ll accommodate what she needs to feel comfortable again and also enjoy the changes.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

When I talked to Amy this morning she asked if I had talked to anyone about getting the aircon fixed yet and I told her that I would go to the shop tomorrow and talk with them as it would be easier than on the phone. (Strangely it seemed to be working ok again last night though not quite 100%) About ten minutes later she called me back and said that she’d talked to her mum and that her mum had someone who could come and fix it for cheaper. Cool beans. I asked if that would be today and she said probably not. That was ok, whenever. Another ten minutes later she called again and said the guy wouldn’t be able to come for another two weeks so better if I just go to the shop! If you sit and wait long enough in Thailand everything twists and turns until it just ends up as it was. No stress (anymore!). I’m pretty sure that when I go to the shop they won’t be able to come quickly either as everyone’s aircon will be breaking at this time to overuse.

Something I learned today?

I saw that protesters in the UK were arrested without having committed a crime. This was due to it being King Charles’s coronation on Saturday. I think the same would happen in Thailand too.

How have I been holding myself back?

I’ve been holding myself back somewhat due to Amy not being here. As I’m here taking care of the cats I haven’t been able to go to places that I might’ve liked to, like Malaysia, again. It’s the situation holding me back as opposed to any internal thought processes keeping me down. I make the best of the situation as it is. Having said that, if I felt strongly enough I could have arranged for the cats to be taken care of and gone off for a time too.

I’ve been thinking about how much the pandemic fucked up things. I’d only been in Thailand a short while really and was still finding my feet. I was excited to go on tour around South East Asia now that I was living here, establish contacts to repeat the process every year and then it all got cancelled and with Kimi’s passing around the start of the pandemic it really took the wind out of my sails. I don’t feel like I can get the enthusiasm back up to go through the organising process again and I feel out of the loop with what’s going on around the region. Maybe a suitable opportunity will come up that will kick me into action again though I’m not particularly looking for it right now.

I took this picture because I saw a million insects on one of the stems of this plant and when I touched it they all flew off and into a flying formation where they looked static. This is my attempt to photograph them though, of course, it didn’t work but I like the resulting picture anyway.

Failure Porn World – 6th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Everyone is looking for a laugh
To put a smile on their face
In an upside-down world
Digging down is the safest place

Pick ourselves up by putting down
Cut down all the tall poppies
Misfortune brings us all together
So that’s what everyone copies

Fortune cookie philosophers rant
How to make a million dollars
But the need for the dopamine rush
Will never make us into scholars

A promise one day it could be you
That is the star of the show
Turnover is high in failure porn world
Clicked over to the next video

29th Nov 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – failure

Today I’m feeling:

Hot. It’s hot. This is Thailand. What did I expect? The aircon stopped working in the bedroom last night and the temperature never dropped below 28 degrees. I slept fine though. Tonight I may have to sleep with the window open and have the fan next to it, weakly sucking in cooler air from the night. In the meantime, I have to contact someone to come and fix the machine.

Today I’m grateful for:

My portable hard drives that allow me to save and move files around from one place to another. When my crusty cranky old MBP stopped recognizing one of the drives I was able to swap things around and get things running again with a freshly formatted drive. I think I may be at the point now where I just don’t need any more drives. I’ve slowed down my music consumption a lot recently and I have too many movies to ever have enough time to watch.

The best thing about today was:

A general feeling of well-being. Perhaps the only thing that really stood out was riding back from Utopia and going on a convoluted path home. The sun’s heat was like a blanket around my skin with the breeze being just enough to stop feeling crispy. I slowed down a little to savour the feeling. The mountains looked like a photograph from the 70s, all washed out due to the hazy air, enough blue sky shimmering through from above to highlight the depth.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

It was time to start a new book whilst sipping coffee at Utopia so I had a quick scan of the shelves at home. I use my Utopia time to read music biographies or music-related books. Yesterday I  finished Dave Simpson’s The Fallen. Now it was a choice between SNFU or Rollins Broken Summers. I opted for the latter. As I start reading I get back into Henry’s groove quickly and easily. He’s a maniac. I respect his attitude a lot. I see parallels with myself in his words though I’m totally softcore in comparison.
As I keep reading I realise I’ve read this before and not too long ago. I wonder whether to ditch it and swap it tomorrow. However, the strength of the writing keeps me intent to follow along as he prepares for another tour of duty. I feel compelled to bring his attitude back into my thinking as I prepare for my own lovely little war in the classroom over the next couple of weeks. I need to get back to some discipline. Cut the flabby excesses of lethargy.

Something I learned today?

I’ve seen a few videos of people telling jokes to make each other laugh and if they do they lose a point or take a drink or similar punishment. Sometimes they are fun to watch. One popped up and the thumbnail looked like a guy I vaguely knew back in Sydney so I watched it and sure enough, Rodney Todd in all his afro-hairy glory!

What is something I can’t live without?

There’s nothing beyond air, food and water. Without other things, life would certainly be uncomfortable. It’s like people who lose everything in house fires, they find that their lives still go on. I’m thinking about Kim Chi today and how sad I still feel about losing her. But here I am.

Where are you, Kim Chi? Why are you not here? I miss you so much.

Wanted Dead – 5th May 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Another day of life spent in the shadow of the sun
This is a wasteland of the free that I’m running from
How to remain calm when surrounded by the storm?
The nail gets hammered down in order to conform

Today I’m feeling:

It feels stupidly hot today. I’ve been in aircon on full for much of the afternoon.  I finally felt good enough to drop a half of acid again, which probably isn’t helping with the heat for sure but it’s been a nice gentle happy dose that has seen the time cruise by nicely.

Today I’m grateful for:

The two new cups that Art has at Utopia that he uses for my cappuccinos now. They are Japanese and feel very nice in the hand and I can also feel that the coffee comes out smoother than in my old cup, which I liked too, it’s just different.

The best thing about today was:

With the little dose, I ended up playing guitar for a couple hours, until the B string broke which isn’t so bad as it will finally force me to change the strings.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Time does funny things when you’re dosed and I ended up not eating a proper meal today which is good news for tomorrow but I got by today on snacks, candy and lots of water and coconut juice. Lots!

Something I learned today?

I learned that Lenovo is a Chinese brand and heard about some of its history. I knew they were connected with IBM in some way but got a better idea of how they kind of merged parts of their business. 

What is my idea of the perfect vacation?

I generally feel like I’ve been on vacation for the last five years even though I’ve been working most of the time. Would a perfect vacation involve doing some other kind of work? Perhaps. The tour I had lined up for 2020 with World’s Dirtiest Sport would have been the perfect kind of vacation as I’d arranged it to go places I haven’t been before. It would’ve been work stress and fun all at the same time. It’s hard for me to even think about vacations now. I’m happy to go anywhere and enjoy the travel but don’t really have any set ideas in my head. I’d still like to look around the rest of Asia. Europe and the US aren’t really up on my list of interests these days. There’s Africa, the middle east and Latin America out there but they seem far away.

I took this picture because a couple of nights ago whilst watching TV I heard a little whine from outside and Tangmo had come to say hello, sitting patiently outside like a ghost dog. I’m not sure if he stayed around all night as he was also in the garage in the morning.