No amount of wishing No amount of tears Will bring you back to me I have no choice I must face my fears Moving on soldierly
The Soldier Brave
I always told myself that It was you and me against the world But in reality, it was only me We stood together Until we fell apart Now I must soldier on, bravely
Today I’m feeling:
Feeling ok. I’m not convinced enough to say feeling good yet. As Amy feels recently, it’s difficult to have fun, to laugh, to smile, and to feel good.
Today I’m grateful for:
Not falling through the roof when I got up there again to try and reset the damage from last night’s storm. The wind was so strong again that one of our trees now bends in a different direction. Just as I’m writing this tonight’s storm has arrived though just rain at the moment, no wind to test the roof. We need to pay someone to come up with a better solution in the future.
The best thing about today was:
I’ve been enjoying the Bad Friends podcast on YouTube and getting into its rhythm of humour. It feels like a little celebrity gossip show and the hosts get annoyed at superficial first-world problems. It’s making me smile enough to remind me what it is like to make light of your own problems no matter how big or small.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I fell into a deep afternoon nap for more than an hour and I’m worried that I will be up late again tonight, force myself up early again tomorrow and then be tired again in the afternoon and the cycle continues. Still, this is tomorrow’s problem.
Something I learned today?
I watched some videos of folks reviewing the latest AFL video game. It looks ok though I don’t think it would be something I would play these days. Even with all this free time for the last few weeks I only played for a couple of days and that’s it. The thought of playing is interesting but the reality, not so much.
What does happiness mean to me?
Just now I was playing guitar as best I could ( which is terrible, but I don’t care) to Volcano Suns ‘Room With A View’ and singing along as loud as I could. I felt pretty happy in that moment.
I took this picture because I was greeted by these guys as I opened the gate this morning.
What are you really afraid of When you’re afraid of what you’re told? Are you really afraid of These things you can’t even touch or hold? Or are you afraid that your dreams Will crumble at the lies that you’ve been sold? Keep those dreams beside your bed Unable to sleep on your mattress of gold
Today I’m feeling:
In the morning I was tired from getting up too early so instead of an afternoon nap I went for a morning one instead!
Today I’m grateful for:
All the artists and musicians I’m currently working with on upcoming releases for tenzenmen. Things have slowed down but I’m still happy to be helping musicians make music that I really enjoy.
The best thing about today was:
Wanting to play guitar. I just haven’t had the feeling for this past month though had been forcing myself every couple of days even if just for five minutes. I did about ten minutes in the afternoon but then felt compelled to pick it up again in the evening.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Eating lunch at the restaurant I was happy with green curry salmon and a side dish of cabbage in fish sauce. I was enjoying the spicy sauce and went for a spoonful of the cabbage which I happily chewed up like the cows outside my kitchen window, grinding the vegetable into a swallowable pulp. However, the chilli suddenly induced a sneeze which I managed to catch with my hand without too much damage. But then I felt another coming and I stupidly tried to hold my nose which didn’t have the desired effect of killing the sneeze. Instead, the sneeze manifested and forced air out of my mouth along with its contents! Chewed cabbage pulp hit my hand and sprayed in a wide arc over the table and onto the floor. I quickly tried to clean myself and the table, thankful I don’t think anyone saw what happened. I picked up pieces off the floor after finishing eating trying not to show any guilt. I think I got away with it though I’m giggling and embarrassed at the same time.
Something I learned today?
Today I learned that it is Cap that pees on the folding mattress as I caught him in the act. All this time blaming Tigger; though I had my suspicions. Amy was concerned when I told her as this behaviour is often a cat’s way of saying there’s something wrong. After coffee, I can back and set up the litter tray and stick him in it and he started peeing immediately. I put a tissue under him and could see that there was no blood which is usually an indicator of some problem. Then he went and sat at the sliding door and looked out at Tangmo who had come into the garden when I came home. It was then I realised that yesterday Tangmo had chased Cap into the house and so maybe Cap was reluctant to go outside to pee and decided that the mattress was the best replacement. Recently I’ve been leaving the gate open overnight so it’s possible Tangmo has been here during the night and maybe chased our cats inside from time to time and made them afraid. I noticed Tigger being indoors more recently and I thought it was just due to the heat but perhaps it’s all connected with Mo. I wish he was a calm dog and could be friends with our cats, but we don’t have much choice as he’s not ours. I’ll be keeping the gate shut more now though.
What is happening around me right now?
I’m sitting in Tid Doi Tid Din having just finished some lunch. I needed a full food hit to keep me going today so ate green curry salmon with rice and cabbage in fish sauce. Not sure if it’s enough to buck my energy up but at least it’s a fresh range of vitamins and minerals.
I’m sitting at a corner table next to the window and near the door. Outside, cars and trucks speed past on the highway only about ten feet from where I’m sitting behind big plate glass and in the cold air conditioning. Outside looks hot and I can’t decide if I want to go to Daytripper to see if they have banoffee or not. I’m enjoying the aircon as I see students on motorbikes (3-up) at the U-turn burning their bare exposed legs in the sun or on the bike’s exhaust.
There are not many customers here but enough to keep the staff on the move. This restaurant is kind of attached to the hotel behind it from which it draws most of its custom. I haven’t been here for about three years though do very occasionally order delivery from here. It’s expensive for the students and across the highway I can see a plethora of white shirts and black pants and skirts in the local food shop with 30 baht plates.
The environment inside is appealing, a mix of modern with traditional wood finishes and floors. The wall opposite me is lined with rows and rows of bottles of wine and beer and by the door the clunky PC and keyboard that controls everything.
I took this picture because I’m treating myself to lunch today.
Made to be broken, a businessman’s dream Failure point unspoken, a money-making scheme Shiny new things, a feeling that is funny A bottom line sings when rolling in the money
Today I’m feeling:
Reasonable. I’d like to go for a bike ride but it’s so hot with high UV plus the air is still a little hazy so views from up the mountains aren’t so clear. I feel like these April holidays are kinda useless.
Today I’m grateful for:
The step ladder that I use around the garden. Today, to cut back the vine and fold back part of the roof that got messed up in the last storm. It seemed urgent as the skies darkened and distant rumbling approached but then just as quick the clouds disappeared and bright a scorching sun came out. Looks like I’ll have to water again this afternoon.
The best thing about today was:
The neighbour’s kids all came into the driveway to ride their bikes whilst I was watering the garden and they all laughed and played when I sprayed them with water. They’re all between 6 and 9 years old. Full of life and energy, full of hope.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Came back for morning coffee to find that Cap had thrown up on my old 1984 diary and songbook. Perhaps not too much damage, though a lot of the diary was written in tiny felt tip which is already hard enough to read so there may be even more illegible writing there to strain my eyes. What can I do? It’s one of the reasons I’m working to get all this digitised as quickly as I can.
Something I learned today?
The 2nd biggest bank in the US has gone under. I don’t really know what this means, like what happens next or why it happened in the first place but it seems to be occurring often right now.
What has keeping a journal taught me?
As a daily habit, it has helped me get thoughts out of my head, whether good or bad and into paper. When I review these over time they give me an idea of my long-term growth.
I took this picture because I think it reflects my disorganised appreciation and annoyance with living in Thailand. It’s messy and uncoordinated yet looks appealing and attractive. This little stream runs at the back of the shops and market on the university side of the highway. The other side to home.
We don’t want to let go of our dreams Those were the best days we ever had But nothing is quite what it seems Until we compare the good with the bad
What we need is a switching of scenes And a reminder of what it’s like to feel sad Remember that feeling from our teens When our impulses forever drove us mad?
A bit tired from late sleep last night and trying to get up early though I kind of failed with that. I got some shopping in this morning that was a bit of a struggle to push myself to do. Getting home at lunchtime meant the day felt like it has gone quickly but I got various bits and pieces done and so don’t feel like I’ve wasted time.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding the small packets of pickled chilli and chilli in fish sauce that most restaurants have, whilst at Makro. They are bulk buys and I don’t need them often but they were only 30 baht for each pack of 100. And they won’t go off either.
The best thing about today was:
Having both Cap and Tig wanting to be around with me in the living room. It’s unusual for Tigger but I think he really enjoys the attention I’ve been giving him with brushing him a lot.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Whilst I was out shopping I thought I might as well go to the bank to get a new bank book but if forgotten that today is another holiday so they were closed. I didn’t get upset despite it being time wasted. Just one of those things.
Something I learned today?
I finally found a solution for my iCloud problem I mentioned the other day. Unfortunately, it was a workaround rather than a fix and the workaround caused me a bunch of extra setting up of other things. At the end of the day though I’m glad I got it working because it was an annoying bug that didn’t make sense and was confusing me a lot!
What do I want to focus on this month?
This month I need to focus back on the classroom. Staying calm under pressure and being the best teacher I can be for my students. It’s been a long and difficult break for me and it takes me a while to get back up to speed. I need to remember the mistakes I made last year and be smart enough to know how to avoid them. Slow and steady. Remind myself that there is no rush.
I took this picture because Tigger hid his face in shame after I discovered he’d peed on the folding mattress again! Fucking fuck! He keeps coming for a complete body brush though and his coat feels fantastic.
Today is a party, tomorrow is a wake That’s the way we all go, make no mistake We’ll raise a fist to the big blue sky And give a significance as to why Some of us will bend and some of us will break
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good today though a little subdued due to it being a cloudy day. What is it about blue skies that make us feel happy?
Today I’m grateful for:
These Mentos soda mix candies that I chew on each evening for the last week. I love the mouthwatering fizz they give me. Can’t stop my sweet tooth.
The best thing about today was:
Eating a big juicy mango that I bought at the local market yesterday. It was so big that I got tired of eating it. I managed to eat it all though. I have another stashed away for tomorrow. They were just 38 baht for both.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Talking with Hayden again today and he was still down and depressed. I encouraged him as much as I could but worried a little about him. I texted with Bronwyn and hopefully, we can both guide him to getting past it again. Hayden is a sensitive person. Whatever the reason for his feelings and actions I have to try and help him.
Something I learned today?
I found out that the Internet Archive is being sued for copyright infringement. It looks like they violated some laws around books being copied and loaned digitally. I think they are in the wrong but at the same time, I don’t want their business to get affected as there are so many more worthwhile parts of their online presence such as the web archive and legitimate historic music and fanzine files.
What were the highlights of this past month?
There have only been lowlights this month, unfortunately. I look forward to having highlights again one day.
I miss you little Kim. I gave you all my love and affection and you gave me the same. Thank you.
Where can I hide from you? Your red and blue words cut Angel face, honest and true Harder to crack than a nut Where can I hide from me? My blue and red words cut My cave mind unfair, unfree Always stuck in my own nut All that glitters is not gold Our stories best left untold
Today I’m feeling:
Very relaxed feeling today so far. I feel like I got an unexpected holiday gifted to me.
Today I’m grateful for:
My curtains all around the house. Since Amy went back to Australia I keep most of the curtains drawn all day to try and stop the sunlight and heat getting in. I think in our next house we have to think more carefully about design to allow better airflow and insulation to keep heat out. If there ever is a next house.
The best thing about today was:
Enjoying all the things I was reading from Substack articles about events in China, Dave Simspson’s book The Fallen about ex-members of the Fall and Michael Parkinson’s biography about his interviews with Muhammad Ali.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I called Hayden today and he was feeling down about things. He complained about his friends and how he feels they are treating him and also that he was feeling lonely. I was a little stuck with what to say and ended up saying that me and mum were far from good examples on how to make and maintain friendships and I felt a bit apologetic towards him. I tried to generalize things a bit and tell him that we often don’t have any idea what other people are dealing with so we have to forgive them and at the same time, we also have to be kinder to ourselves. I’m still trying to understand these things so he shouldn’t beat himself up about not knowing the best thing to do. Although I couldn’t really help him at least he knows he has someone he can talk to.
Something I learned today?
I think I accidentally saw the result from today’s Swans match whilst looking around Youtube. I didn’t see a score but the picture and title were definitely pointing to a defeat. Oh well. I will still watch the match replay tomorrow morning and try and enjoy it!
What is my idea of fun?
These days I feel like I have no idea about fun. I’m happy and content but fun doesn’t play much of a part in my life right now. Perhaps the closest I get to the feeling is going on crazy bike rides or being with my students. I would love to be involved in concert organisation again but there’s just no chance of doing it locally and I’m slowly losing touch with what’s going on around southeast Asia too.
I took this picture as a follow-up to yesterday’s. It seems these flowers don’t burst open into bloom, they just wilt like this. They look like they are tired and gave up.
Remember, everything is going to be alright Or else you’ll fill yourself up with spite You may either inspire or sometimes bore me Either way, I’m just telling myself a story
Today I’m feeling:
Feeling ok today. Not particularly enthusiastic about anything but not down on anything either.
Today I’m grateful for:
The last serving of Amy’s fake duck with rice from the freezer. I’ve managed to spread out all the meals she left for me for three months. I really love that she did that for me.
The best thing about today was:
Finding out I have another week off before heading back to school. Woohoo! I was sure we would start again on Monday but held out hope that it would be the following Monday and so it is!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I thought I would be taking Runa to the airport this evening for her flight back to Bangkok and around midday she called and asked if it was ok to come over at around 4 pm when her cousin would drop her off. Sure no problem. I was tired from getting up early again and couldn’t resist an afternoon snooze and when I woke up it was already 5 pm. I tidied up a little (a very little!) and went to do some watering by which time it was 6 pm and Runa called again saying she was still in the city and not to worry about taking her to the airport. Well, ok! This is Thailand and I’m used to this flexibility now and not bothered if it doesn’t really affect me too much. I’ve probably also learned not to put myself in situations where I may be reliant on people who are unreliable therefore avoiding any drama.
Something I learned today?
Amy met Nong May and her boyfriend Jay for dinner as they haven’t met up for 6 months or so. Amy told me they are suing one of their Dodee franchisees because they opened a second store out of contract and tried to hide it by altering the name and the colours of the logo. I can’t imagine getting into something like that. It seems crazy to me. May’s family has gone through more drama than the BBC.
What is something I’d like to do for someone else?
I’m finding this tough to think of something specific and something applicable to right now. Usually, if I feel like doing something for someone it is not particularly planned. Of course, I do like to do things for Amy, my cats and my students but those are standard. It’s like when I track if I have complimented anyone today I always exclude Amy, my students and my baristas – it must be someone I don’t always compliment anyway.
I took this picture because suddenly this cactus sprouted these flowers. I’m not sure if they bloom and open up but I’ll find out in the next day or two.
He’s a girl and she’s a boy Both of them a producers toy Under makeup and bright lights The manufactured product fights A name that is soon forgotten A past that’s found to be rotten Fans are either for or against It’s impossible to sit on the fence If there are brains behind the mask Showing it may be too much to ask Flooded with undeserved affection Failing to pass closer inspection So idols get what they deserve A fame that is unable to preserve And so idle under adulation Until another steps up to the station
Today I’m feeling:
Ok. My neck is super sore from not moving it much for a month. I did a mini warm-up this morning and will try to make it a little longer each day to prepare for my usual wake-up routine. I know this makes me feel better but just can’t motivate myself during the holiday.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding salad today at the walking market. It was pretty good though a little different to the one I usually get. For some reason, I’ve been wanting for salad recently. I think my normal seller may have given up because it’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Business is tough out there and everyone is trying to make their baht.
The best thing about today was:
Cap has spent most of the day with me and I’ve been grooming him and cutting his dreadlocks. His hair feels gorgeous again as does Tig’s, I think because of the special gel that we used to feed Kim to help counter her leukaemia.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I don’t feel there was anything today. If there was something I must have handled it without thinking and accepted it as reality.
Something I learned today?
I came across a video to help getting students to quiet down and concentrate in the classroom. I’m thinking I will try the Simon Says technique where I can bring the whole class back to focus by saying ‘Simon says stand up’ and the kids paying attention will do it and the kids that aren’t will want to know what’s going on. I also need to drill them with this in the first week so they get used to it. I hope I have better control this year. Over myself and the students.
What is my favourite photo of the past month?
With the bad air and the tragic start to this month, my mind focused a lot on pictures of Kim and they still make me sad to look at. But looking through the pictures I can see that there are still some nice ones there. Ones I will appreciate in time.
I took this picture because I took a few detours on the way home from Utopia and fresh growth smells were returning to perfume the air. But this picture shows the devastation across the mountains from fire. I don’t think these would have been burned deliberately but more likely from other small fires getting out of control.
Just a recording, a memory A gentle nudge to remind One day in the future I’ll look back and find No readers were here to see What these words meant to me
In another time and place Some comments will be made Either an idiot in the making Or a compliment to be paid Either way, it’s all good And no readers misunderstood
Today I’m feeling:
A little tired. I’ve been waking up before my alarm, though unable to stir myself out of bed, as my mind is slowly getting around the fact that it’s back to work again next week. I’m starting to feel the stress and tension, my mind anticipating obstacles in the class. Self-preparation for self-preservation.
Today I’m grateful for:
Being able to park illegally at the airport as no one cares that much about it. It’s surprisingly busy here even though it’s 8 pm.
The best thing about today was:
I struggled through getting my head around a lesson plan and how, when and why I would use it. At least I could do this whilst sipping good coffee and watching people coming and going. I pushed on until finished and was quite happy with the result in the end.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
It seemed Runa was going to stay around the city rather than near home so figured I wouldn’t need to pick her up at the airport but then she called just before getting on her flight and asked if I was ok to pick her up and that’s ok with me. Runa is never on time for anything and it’s already 29 minutes after her flight has landed. I can imagine her still sitting on the plane trying to get organised to get off. She cracks me up but I don’t need the drama that comes along with her chaotic life.
Something I learned today?
Again I don’t feel like I really learned much useful. I watched Netflix and comedy on YouTube. Trying to keep my mood up rather than go deep into anything.
I took this picture because all our different frangipani trees are blooming. Big bunches of flowers get blown off in storms but each year there’s more and more. I love to see old frangipani trees. Ours are still young but I hope to see them old one day.
There’s not a sound about No electricity on the hill I’m sitting still
A brain that has quieted With no thoughts to fill I’m sitting still
Contemplating how much longer With only time to kill I’m sitting still
As days speed up, I slow down Swallowing a bitter pill I’m sitting still
Time is the only master And I have to pay the bill I’m sitting still
Today I’m feeling:
Tired from staying up late and then getting up early as I slowly train myself for 6:15 am starts again next week.
Today I’m grateful for:
The lady at the market stall who gave me an extra mango today. It’s mango season and they are juicy and delicious.
The best thing about today was:
Finishing the Brix Smith and Jack Dee biographies. Both were good easy reads as I visualised their lives unfolding. New books to start!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’d been checking out my flights to Australia on the Airasia website and was ready to book on Sunday night. I sent the itinerary to Amy to double check but she was drunk and replied ‘I’ve got no brain.’ No problem, I can just figure it out on Monday. And that’s what I went to do. The problem this time was that somehow I didn’t have enough credits left to cover the costs. I assumed it was something to do with cached data from going through the process the day before but investigating further I found that my credit had expired in the 12 hours since first looking! Damn it! Oh well, what can I do?
Something I learned today?
Our Sydney friend Runa will visit a relative in Chiang Rai for a couple of days. It seems typical of her that we only find out a day before she arrives. Never organised or good at planning or decision-making. I’m ok to pick her up from the airport if she needs.
What went well today?
Everything went as expected. There was nothing in particular that needed to go well and there was nothing that usually happens that didn’t go well. Not all days are like this.
Art took this picture because this has been my morning home at Utopia for the whole month of April.
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