Held against your will Trapped by all your thoughts Your only getting out Is getting out of sorts Surrounded by a wall Scared to be confined A gun to the head Made within your mind
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good again today though it’s a little disappointing that it’s the last week of the holiday already.
Today I’m grateful for:
The shop in the market selling fried fish with mango, rice and nam-jhim. I was hoping to find the salad stall people but I haven’t seen them for a while now. After walking around the normal market I then went down to the walking market and was feeling disappointed but almost as I was about to leave I spotted this favourite small meal.
The best thing about today was:
Replying to Sharon’s email from a few days ago. I caught her up on my news and reread her recent emails to remind myself what she and her family have been up to. As I told her I hope Amy and I can get back there for a trip again sometime.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
See below. The issue I’m having may be an operating system mismatch and there’s not much I can do about that.
Something I learned today?
This isn’t something I learned but something I want to learn and that is understanding how iCloud works across multiple devices. I haven’t really been able to figure it out at all. As I’m writing I’ve done a YouTube search and will check out done videos to see if that helps.
After an hour watching and fiddling around I’m a little wiser but still have a problem with getting files onto the Air. It looks like a bug because it makes no sense. It may also be a time issue ie I have to wait so I’ll check it tomorrow.
What moment from my past would I like to relive?
All of it. Relive it all with the wisdom I have now. If only.
I took this picture because Tangmo hadn’t been around for a week or so and I was beginning to think something bad had happened to him. He randomly and nonchalantly rocked up when I came home from Utopia though and enjoyed some rubs and snacks.
When I was a teenage drag queen And trying to find my way I always left a big impression Whatever anyone would say
Dressed to the nines in sequins With fingernails scrubbed quite clean Everyone said ‘There he goes’ And they all knew where I had been
A bar full of brutish sailors Would never give me pause No matter the unspoken rules I lived by my own laws
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good today. It makes a difference being able to see the stupa and the mountains clearly again.
Today I’m grateful for:
The Air Asia credits that I have from the cancelled flights from 2020 due to the pandemic. That should cover all my flight costs to and from Australia in October.
The best thing about today was:
Finding that roof managed to stay secure with the blocks I put up there yesterday. It survived last night’s storm. Some of our cactuses didn’t though.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Around 8 pm a bug kept bothering me as I was watching tv. Then Amy called, drunk and happy with friends new and old in Adelaide. I got up as we were talking and realized there wasn’t just one bug but 10s of them and then more and more as I looked around. They were hatching, mating and dying all in about 15 minutes. Amy was trying to drunkenly talk with me but I had to hang up and deal with this invasion which was soon joined by ants too. I found them around the window frame either trying to get in or trying to get out, it was hard to tell. I grabbed the ant spray and frantically sprayed around, choking on the fumes. I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and began mopping up the now hundreds of carcasses scattered around the floor. I sprayed perfume and lit candles in an effort to make the air breathable again but now, an hour later, there’s still the acid taste of bug spray in the air. I think I got the most of them but I think there will be more vacuuming required in the morning. Bug attack – first of the season.
Something I learned today?
I feel like I learned a lot of things today but all of them inconsequential. The equivalent of gossip or just information that has no effect on my life. I should focus my attention on things that might be more useful but that also requires more energy.
What is a long-term goal I have for the next 5 or 10 years?
Amy is in Adelaide at the moment visiting Jess after Jess had an operation. Amy is keen to move there sometime in our future. I’m ok with that at some point. Adelaide is relatively quiet but still has nice things around for an old man to enjoy. This can’t happen until both Cap and Tig have gone. Even though I enjoy being here in Thailand I know Amy can never convince herself to stay here and we both would like to be together. My guess is that this plan will likely be in the next five to ten years as I think our cats have another five years in them at least. If I think about it now though I still feel like I only just got here!
I took this picture because this beautiful-looking cactus was another victim of last night’s storm.
It’s just another Jarrow Crusade Ignored by those in power Backed by a whole class of people Whose life has gone sour The change will slowly come Too late for those affected The masses’ message manipulated Ignored and rejected The power is not with good people Whose members swell the ranks But held by the precious few Who own the guns and tanks As your protest heads down the street Always remember your way home Before that’s taken from you too And you’re left to seethe alone You’re either with us or against us Left conquered when divided Along the path of least resistance Your own future will be decided
Today I’m feeling:
A little more positive today. I’m liking that I can’t remember what day it is but that will all change soon.
Today I’m grateful for:
Electricity. After 4 hours without it last night I thought it wasn’t too bad but then realised I was still able to use my phone and iPad as they still had charge. If they had run out I don’t think I would’ve been so happy.
The best thing about today was:
Almost finishing the flashcard sorting. I could’ve finished it but as I find this kind of task enjoyable I want to stretch it out one more day. Next, I have to integrate their use into my lessons and hopefully, the students find them useful.
(I couldn’t resist and finished them off so now the island in the dining room is relatively clear again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
First thing this morning I stepped on Amy’s thin folding mattress on the floor and under my foot was wet. Argh! It felt like a full bladder of piss had been dispensed. I picked it up and hung it outside in the sun, having to also take the rug too as it had seeped through to that as well. Good morning!
Something I learned today?
In some street interviews, many young Chinese people assumed America has high-speed rail because it’s America so they must have it.
Write about a memorable experience from this past week.
The coming of the rain and the destructive storms. The rain was good, the destruction not.
I took this picture because this was the result of the storm last night. I threw some more breeze blocks up there and climbed up and tried to get the sheet back in place but that wasn’t possible. Even though it was only 10 am everything up on the roof was already burning hot. I was also nervous up there as there was a lot of flex in the frame in the middle of the roof. I did my best and placed the six blocks strategically but I think it still may not be enough if the wind really whips through again.
Hey boys, the war is over Even though it wasn’t won There will be no spoils to share But it definitely is done
No more letters to the front Or eating rations in the mud All the winners are losers With the spilling of their blood
The rules of engagement And decisions to be made Must be around a table And no sacrifices paid
Today I’m feeling:
I’m ok today but not that excited. It’s nice to have reasonably breathable air again even though the smoke is filling in the gaps again after being blown around yesterday.
Today I’m grateful for:
Candles and tea lights (see below). Also, Febreeze (again) as Tigger decided to spray the sofa where Cap sits which is right next to where I sit.
The best thing about today was:
I watched a movie today and also listened to some music. I wasn’t overly impressed with either but it’s a sign of a slow return to normality. I also received an email from Sharon which I wasn’t so surprised about as I had already been thinking about my mum when I remembered it was her birthday yesterday and that was also the reason for her email. I still haven’t replied to her one from Christmas so I’ll get on that this week. Hopefully, I’ll get back to the UK to see Sharon and family again one day.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Another fairly violent storm rolled through between six and seven pm knocking out power to the whole village, maybe even further. The breeze block holding down the roof failed and I managed to get another up so had two now holding it down. It sounded like they failed too but I couldn’t tell yet as it was now totally dark. I found a few candles and there’s a nice breeze blowing through the now-open windows. It’s been four hours now and I’ve been reading on my iPad and contemplating trying to sleep. However, the rain has stopped and the temperature is likely to rise to unbearable even during the early hours. Hopefully, someone is out there trying to untangle wires.
Something I learned today?
Looks like this power outage is extensive as even my phone has no service. I write this because I usually look back at what YouTube videos I’ve watched to see if I might’ve learned anything. Now I’m going to have to test my short-term memory.
As I’m laying here thinking I realise that I am learning the sound of the night. No buzzing transformers, the hum of machines on stand-by, pumps pushing water and no doof doof from garaged PAs or the nightclub. It’s Friday night and an occasional frog and cricket is having a brief discussion. Otherwise, all I can hear now is the loud ringing in my ears.
What am I most proud of myself for accomplishing this week?
I’ve managed to keep Amy’s indoor plants alive (just about), my remaining two cats alive and myself alive. That’s an accomplishment. I just continue with what I’m doing. Things will never be completed, they will just stop when I drop dead. Accomplishments? Little things get crossed off little mental lists and when that final day comes will I have accomplished anything? ‘Here lies Shaun, finally accomplished nirvana.’
But I do carry a little pride in what I do.
I took this picture because it shows our roof trying to take off and drenching our cactuses in our entertainment area during the storm yesterday. Another is forecast today but there’s no sign of it so far.
It would’ve been your birthday You would’ve got my call Wishing you more happiness No matter how small I guess it still is your birthday You’re just not here to see I miss you more each year And one day it will be me
Mum would’ve been 88 years old today.
Today I’m feeling:
Similar to yesterday, though a little tired due to not sleeping until about 2am but still trying to wake up early. I’m trying to get up at 8 am but didn’t make it until 9 this morning.
Today I’m grateful for:
Surprise messages from my students Nam and Anchan, Anchan asking me for advice on love. Unsure if I’m the best to be asking for advice I think I said it well.
She asked:”Do you think age affects love? For example, there is a kid in middle school. And the person he talks to or likes is in college. Do you think it’s possible?”
I took her meaning to be that it is her in middle school (she is 13) and is interested in someone older (maybe 18 or 19).
“Yes, I think age affects love.
As we get older and have more experiences we get a better understanding of it’s meaning. But only if we learn from our mistakes and don’t keep repeating them.
We learn what deep unconditional love means. We also learn the difference between love and sex.
At your age, you are curious about both, love and sex. I advise you to be cautious. Learn about the person you are interested in before committing your heart or your body to someone.
You are smart and more mature than others of your age. This makes you attractive to older boys. But without experience, it may also be easy for them to manipulate you into doing something you may regret. So, take it slow. You have lots of time, more than you realise.”
The best thing about today was:
A storm! Finally! After almost hitting 40 degrees again, the afternoon skies darkened though it still seemed likely this would be another apparition. Then came the wind and eventually peals of thunder rolled over the mountains bringing precious rain.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The storm picked up and the tall cactus fell over in its pot. The wind was now going sideways and the roof over the entertainment area rattled its objection until finally part of it ripped free clapping against itself as loud as the thunder. I ran to it and tried to hold it down when the wind switched around and blew it flat again but my weak fingers were no match for the power of the storm. As I was grabbing at it my fingers slammed against the metal frame and cold water poured down my arms in the channel my grip was making in the roof. After a couple of minutes of the roof ripping out of my hands, I found a breeze block and pushed it on the frame and part of the roof that was still secure. How was I going to get it on the roof to hold it down though? There was a tiny gap about my finger’s width, if I pulled the roof down again and then I could inch the block over slowly. This took a couple of attempts and it finally seemed to be working. The wind was also dissipating and I caught my breath investigating further damage. The papaya tree was uprooted again, this time in a different direction than last year’s uprooting. The garage gutter reminded me of its dodgy joins leaking over everything in the shed but that was not so unexpected. As the rain trailed off the thunder continued rattling the windows of the house and I came indoors shivering wet, pants completely soaked, covered in leaves and bleeding at the wrist. I did, however, feel invigorated, much like the visit to the waterfall. I took a shower and threw my wet clothes in the washing machine.
Something I learned today?
The proposed 300 baht arrival tax in Thailand has been delayed because wants the money but has been trying to get the airlines to do the work. Rightly, they said it was impossible. Next, the idea was for the hotels to do it. Rightly, they told them to shove it!
What is something I am grateful to have learned recently?
I have been reminded of the tragic lesson of death. I don’t feel grateful for its tap on the shoulder right now but perhaps I will in the future.
I took this picture because P’ti was looking all relaxed and handsome here, as ever, by the door at Utopia. He is fascinated with what is through the window. At what is only briefly accessible. P’ti is about the same age as Kim Chi and we once brought Kim here on the way to the vet where they met each other for a moment. I hope P’ti lives a long life and brings more happiness to the world he inhabits.
My grandparents took their dreams And able to make them real Fought the good fight for freedom And allowed their pain to heal
Each generation wants for its young To climb up ever higher When dreams could come true Those values would inspire
But now those dreams are fading I’ll never see the top Members of the last generation Before we come to a stop
Today I’m feeling:
Better than yesterday though still subject to darkness. Unenthused and flat. By evening I was feeling pretty good.
Today I’m grateful for:
Aircon. How did people survive without aircon!? Folks here are used to it and I’m getting more used to it but it’s 40 degrees today and even riding a bike around in the shade has no cooling effect. It reminds me of the time riding around in Rhodes back in 1994. I rode past a pineapple factory where hill tribe people sit around tables cutting up the fruit. They are undercover but outdoors, many wearing clothes to cover much of their skin so as not to look so tan which is virtually impossible for them!
The best thing about today was:
Just generally feeling better than yesterday. I hope the rest of the week continues like this.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Somehow I’ve ended up going through the day without eating a meal. I’ve had a few snacks but perhaps the heat has tempered any hunger. I’m wondering how this might affect my mood tomorrow. I need to consider my eating habits and how it can change my mood.
Something I learned today?
I read about the Drowning Child thought-experiment about how we might choose to help someone in need right in front of us but not even consider them if it is out of sight. Or more provocatively that we might choose not to help them because we can’t help everyone. Also to consider if we should try to save someone if they have a life ahead of them as opposed to someone nearer the end of their life. It reminds me of someone who saves another person from drowning but themselves drown during the action.
I think I would be someone who tries to help someone who is struggling right in front of me. It would depend on a lot of factors many of which could even make me freeze with fear at the time. I can struggle with making fast decisions sometimes.
Did I make a good decision today?
Some days, yesterday for instance, just feel like they have you beat. Today I woke up with a different feeling and it’s difficult to pin down why. I took my computer to Utopia and pushed myself to do some work. This was a positive step. After coffee, I came home and much as every other day during this holiday watched some YouTube videos. But by the afternoon, still feeling reasonably ok, I again pushed myself along to take advantage of this slight upswing in mood and decided on an afternoon coffee but taking the long way there. With the slightly improved air conditions, things felt a bit less oppressive than in recent weeks. Sun was actually breaking through to cast shadows on the ground. Of course, this meant the heat was trapped and pushed the temperature up to 40 degrees and the feeling of it being even hotter. The daily promised storms still haven’t arrived and even the tokays have given up asking for relief. It’s too hot for mosquitoes.
Anyway, whilst the decision to get out felt quite natural and normal it was definitely a better choice than staying at home today.
I took this picture because the sky is clearing a little to produce some colour in things again. These blooms stand out around this fishing lake. I’m not sure of the type of tree but it has long bean-like seed pods like an acacia.
Not like Beckett, not absurd It’s just as English as the word The saddest laugh I ever heard
Rolling laughs don’t come from rolling hills No pearly whites penetrate the mills More bitter than the bitterest pills
And only laughing when it hurts The summer wine no longer works Born amongst the miserable jerks
There was a time when some British comedy TV became too dour even for me. Last of the Summer Wine and Only When I Laugh are referenced and remain memorable for their misery! I was self-aware enough to realise that watching these shows made me unhappy. I just wanted to laugh at something funny, not at something sideways.
Today I’m feeling:
Tired and useless. The grey of the sky is getting me down. It’s not like the grey of a cloudy sky. That sky moves and promises. This sky is dead. I woke up tired and have napped twice since. Everything feels pointless. No inspiration. No movement.
Today I’m grateful for:
My memories of Murray and myself philosophizing with our teenage imaginations at the bottom of the school field. We looked up at the sky and stars and had no idea how inconsequential we are.
The best thing about today was:
Finishing reading Death’s End. What an awesome book with big crazy ideas. Onto some lighter reading next with Michael Parkinson’s biography.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My positivity has fallen down today mainly due to tiredness I believe. My PMT or low point of my circadian rhythm. Perhaps I napped my way out of it.
Something I learned today?
I read today that China has offered to mediate between Palestine and Israel in a search for peace in the Middle East. It’s difficult to imagine that it might work but if both sides can see the benefits of increased prosperity perhaps there’s a chance?
What place holds special meaning to me?
There are too many to mention. Today I feel like I am not living my life. My memory feels like a story I watched on TV rather than events that actually happened to me. The places in my memory are still there yet the actual places are not. They exist but are not the same. Sometimes it’s better for a memory to be repaved over with concrete.
I took this picture because as I was riding home from Utopia the mountains were more visible than in recent days and it can be seen how dry the jungle has become out there. The cows and bulls offered a perfect foreground.
Fairly positive, and cared about yet still with a nagging cold in my psyche.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Nut and Nong Fon for making and giving me food today. Nut made a delicious cheese, cream cheese and spinach bake along with some banana cake, yoghurt and more jam. Fon made her best sourdough bread yet and was delicious, toasted with cream cheese.
The best thing about today was:
I felt quite blissful as I was talking with Amy whilst sitting outside. I could smell food cooking coming from somewhere instead of smoky air for a change. The trapped heat in the house was not present outside with a comfortable cosy feeling of warmth. Another day has passed quickly with the feeling of little achievement though relative satisfaction. I have to remind myself that this is what life is. I don’t need to be jumping out of aeroplanes or be popular to know that I am alive.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I still haven’t got back any enthusiasm for listening to music. Apart from playing guitar a few times I haven’t purposely listened to any music this month. I know music can take me away but it can also bring focus right inside my head and I still feel like I want my senses dulled. I’m still in some kind of mourning. I’m getting used to Kim not bring around now and it even feels like she never existed, like she was a dream. That’s sad but maybe my way of coping. Where does the love go that you gave? It feels like it just evaporated.
Something I learned today?
Robotaxis have been given the go-ahead in Beijing. It would be weird to be in a car with no driver but still have a steering wheel and watch it moving. Why not just get rid of the wheel too? Anyway, the future is here. Where is it going? By the time you read this, you’ll be able to tell me.
What am I looking forward to this week?
I’m looking forward to having finished sorting out the hundreds of vocabulary cards that I started making last month. I’m enjoying the process of putting them in order after they all got mixed up during the process of making them. It’s one of those huge tasks that I enjoy as I watch it slowly get easier as it nears completion.
I took this picture yesterday because I like leaving these little models around amongst our little plants around the entertainment area.
Bandaged eyes for a holiday treat A walking cough on coal-black feet Animals and humans linger in shit The bray and the neigh, murmurs the pit
Air to breathe, relaxed underground There echoes the ever-tapping sound Fathers tell sons to break the chain Close the gates on working man’s shame
Time has turned the tide around A union broken and unknown freedom found Damocles laughs and makes some bank The pit ponies nostalgic for the sulphur stank
Today I’m feeling:
Not too bad today but not particularly inspired either. Enjoyed starting to read the Brix Smith book whilst at Utopia. I didn’t want to stop so ended up drinking 3 coffees instead of my usual two. Amy’s brother called to come here so I’m waiting for him now but I can’t drink more coffee!
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy getting home safely last night and then for her flatmate who consoled her today when she cried over our lovely Kim Chi. I still miss her terribly but I’m getting more used to her not being around. Amy told me she was excited to come back in July to see all our cats but now her trip is tinged with sadness too.
The best thing about today was:
I really enjoyed reading today with the Brix Smith book at Utopia and approaching the end of Death’s End at home. I will miss this sci-fi series but have many other cool books to get into next.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
There are times I feel fatalistic about the future but I also know that making uncomfortable changes usually brings about a renewed sense of accomplishment. I have been happy with the way things had been going until the shock of Kim’s death rattled me. At this point, I don’t know what’s coming. Amy is pretty unhappy to be leaving Australia and has such a negative attitude to being in Thailand again that I’m not sure how long it will last. I know she wants us all to be together but prefers it not to be here. Going back to Australia together in the future feels really up in the air to me. I have no idea what I can do there for work. Amy is keen on the idea of opening a restaurant which I’m not quite in the right frame of mind to attempt. A lot of time, money and stress will be ahead of that. Can I submit to that to make Amy happy?
Something I learned today?
I watched a magic video that showed how to make small objects float using a very fine thread. It’s a neat trick that maybe I’ll practice one day and show my students.
What are the details of my daily routine?
Right now, in the holidays: get up around 8.30, feed the cats, shower, ride to Utopia, drink coffees and read, go home and read (different book), watch YouTube videos, eat (depending on how hungry I am), video call Amy when feeding the cats, water the garden, sometimes play guitar, watch more YouTube, read more, watch Netflix, shower, get in bed, read books and comics on iPad, sleep. I’m not spending much time listening to music since Kim died; I’m not quite in the mood for it yet.
I took this picture because the ceramic figure reminds me of Amy and this is one of her cactuses that I haven’t managed to kill yet. I had to force myself out to find something to take a picture of today.
The view from above A bomb or brain An expanding universe Must always remain The view microscopic Each atom crucial The future in our hands Exploded brutal The view in the mirror Pauses for reflection Thumb on the button Ending perfection
Today I’m feeling:
A little flat still but better than yesterday.
Today I’m grateful for:
The special Royal Canin food that Cap and Tig can eat. It’s expensive but at least it gives them some variety as they don’t have many options due to their health conditions.
The best thing about today was:
Taking my time watching the Swans play well against Richmond. I felt relaxed once we took control of the game in the fourth quarter.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Cap has to drink a supplement once a day. It’s just 2ml and has to be done with a plastic syringe into his mouth. He hates it though especially as it sprays down his throat. As I tried to administer it, Cap quickly moved his head, so I sprayed the liquid into my hand and onto my pants. I just laughed. I’ll get you next time Cap!
Something I learned today?
The one thing I can quickly remember was reading about a Thai guy (one of 9 siblings) who makes around 3 million bagels a year in New York. He works about 100 hours a week and also owns a restaurant. He has an arranged marriage and his wife is still in Thailand. I’m kind of fascinated with New York but not sure if I ever really like to go there.
I took this picture last week because I thought these mini houses, basically just studio apartments have a pretty interesting design and despite my 5 years riding around here I’ve never seen these before and they are probably less than 500 metres from home.
1994ever 