Broken isn’t bad, here we are again It’s our destiny, what we’re made for There’s no hiding from our inner pain For some, it’s what they’re paid for Scabs are formed around scrapes and cuts Dizzy heads are spun amongst the stars Feeling cheated and going nuts These deeper wounds will form your scars
Today I’m feeling:
A little flat and a little bored. Missing that crazy cat.
Today I’m grateful for:
Free time. Netflix. YouTube. Books and comics. It’s a lazy day.
The best thing about today was:
Watering the garden whilst on a video call with Amy. It got me up and about instead of lounging around and napping.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I couldn’t keep my eyes open this afternoon so had to succumb to a quick snooze. I’m not motivated at all today. That’s ok. I know there are days like this and things will pick up again.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video about the cost of living in Bangkok and was shocked at comments saying they thought 200,000 baht a month was about right for someone single in their 20s or 30s. I know that’s not my demographic but to compare I live on less than 30,000 baht per month and the locals are getting around 9,000 for many jobs.
What is my favourite way to relax?
My favourite way to relax is after working hard. Right now I’m relaxing from one relaxing thing to another and it’s not my preference. I need the juxtaposition between effort and rest.
I took this picture because I’m having to pour my love into Cap and Tig. Cap loves to be close by though usually just out of arms reach. Though he’s usually lazing around he rarely seems to be in a deep sleep.
Keeping up with the Joneses and Smiths Established in a canyon of glamour Here are built the legends and myths The counters to the sickle and hammer There’s no volunteer to be the clown As it’s just the beginning, just a starter Their crushed dreams are raining down Like confetti from a busted pinata
*Last two lines are a paraphrase from a sentence that stood out in Brix Smith Start’s biography and the inspiration for the rest
Today I’m feeling:
Better each day. I’m getting there. Today though Amy asked me to call her when I got up and when I did she told me her grandmum was rushed to the hospital after passing blood. In her 90s she still has a good brain but a failing body.
Today I’m grateful for:
My phone’s alarm clock and my smart idea to set 3 alarms 15 minutes apart to help get me out of bed a little earlier. I’d like to get back into the rhythm of getting up early and sleeping earlier again.
The best thing about today was:
Talking for an hour with Hayden on the phone. As he gets older and has more life experience we can talk about many issues and subjects these days and I enjoy our conversations.
Also messaging with Echo in LA and catching up with her again which I try and do every 12 to 18 months.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy asked me to go to the hospital and visit her grandma in the evening after she’d been moved to a private room. The only problem is that today is the first day of the Songkran celebration and the traffic in the city was crazy. Whilst on the way there Amy called and told me to go home. It had taken her brother two hours to make the usual ten-minute drive from home to the hospital! As I’d been stuck in traffic for 20 minutes already I thought going home was a good idea too. I enjoyed driving anyway as it gave me a chance to listen to more podcasts.
Something I learned today?
I learned that Echo is a ceramic artist and recently held an exhibition in LA, examples of which I could see in her WeChat Moments. I never knew that she was doing this and still not clear if she can live off her art but I’m quite amazed at her ability and pursuit of this.
What things are in my control today?
Some of my thoughts. Some of my actions.
I took this picture because I’ve never seen these fruit (or nuts – I’m not sure which) turn red before. This is on one of our palm trees. A quick search tells me they are foxtail palms (and they are fruit!)
A town all snowy white and middle-class The drunks tell stories often repeated Shufflers trapped in a cul-de-sac torture All plans for their children defeated
A week in the sun by the sea Swap cardigans for sunburned backs Strange behaviours set tongues wagging Is this the life that everyone lacks?
Enter no more the green and pleasant Ruined by the hardest-working poor Facing fists of fury on walking home All desperately banging on the door
The drizzle drenches the pavements grey Children too bored to stomp in puddles Tugged by the leashes of all that glitters Out of reach of all of these muddles
Excitements distract along the terrace Dogs fight cats, cat fights dog A word of wise from the blinders Submit oneself to pointless slog
A little more positive and upbeat. It’s not time that heals our grief, it’s the forgetting.
Today I’m grateful for:
Sight. My eyesight is suffering a little these days perhaps from the dodgy air, lack of sleep and constant looking at screens. But I can still see. If I had to choose between losing my sight or my hearing I would choose losing sight. I would miss reading but could still listen to audiobooks. I think I would really struggle emotionally if I couldn’t listen to music though.
It still feels like yesterday that, as children, we were all warned about listening to loud music would damage our ears so much that we would go deaf in our old age. And that watching too much TV would lead to early-onset blindness. I had to start wearing glasses when I was around 26 years old and my mum had to wear hearing aids from perhaps her 50s onwards. So I guess I’m doing all right so far.
The best thing about today was:
Brushing Cap and Tig whilst they purred in pleasure. They have been getting more attention from me now Kim is gone. They are still fussy about being touched or picked up but if they are in the right mood it does seem as if they are reciprocating my love.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Right now Netflix isn’t working for me. Just as I’d like to settle back and watch some more of the series Dark. It’s not like there is nothing else I can do so this is only a mild annoyance. I’m aware it’s also a very first-world problem too.
Something I learned today?
Apparently, there is a weird law here in Thailand that makes it illegal for politicians to sing and dance on stage during an election. This came to note because someone called out the current Thai PM for doing exactly this recently. The annoying thing about the article discussing this was the fact that there was no indication of why this was a law. Presumably, it made sense at the time it was implemented. It may even make sense now if it was explained. Like any law in Thailand, it is fairly flexible and depends on who broke it as to whether any action would be taken.
What are 3 things that bring me joy?
Nothing is really bringing me joy right now. My positive emotions are not that strong I guess. The emotions of grief and sadness are much easier for me to tap into. I’m bouncing back slowly but it does make me think why can’t I be prone to happiness and joy instead? They are all just emotions.
I took this picture because this is our infamous red sun as it sets behind our blooming frangipani. For most of these days, the smoke is so thick that if the sun can be seen at all it can be stared at directly without a problem. That’s something I’d prefer not to be able to do for the sake of a clear sky.
On a journey through time, we get hit In the end, we all get what we deserve Not the answers we wanted to hear Cling steady to the shore, hold your nerve The messages are all around us Knocking at the doors in the night One view in the mirror, full of fear The other, a grimace of delight The game plays a man in a collar Against the promise of avoiding the pit In the end, we all get what we deserve On a journey through time, we get hit
Today I’m feeling:
Calm and a little deflated. I don’t think I got to sleep until past 3 am so it was difficult to get up this morning. My whole cycle is shifting but I’d prefer to be getting up early and sleeping earlier.
Today I’m grateful for:
There being 19 more days of holiday. I hope I can get myself back together in this time. I’m vaguely optimistic about the forthcoming semester.
The best thing about today was:
It took me a long time to get to sleep in the early hours this morning but I did enjoy the transition period from lucid dreaming into deep sleep.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I don’t have much to contribute today. I’m not so enthusiastic about anything. Nothing bad or out of control has happened. It’s a little boring. I feel like I’m just wasting time at the moment which isn’t really a good state of mind to be in.
Something I learned today?
There’s a punk rock museum in Las Vegas. I’m conflicted about it. It’s fascinating and grossly commercial. It has a typical North American promotion that feels greasy.
I took this picture because this is the fishing lake opposite Lake Hill Resort that has changed so much since I got here. This picture is from last week. Still no new pictures as it’s difficult whilst there is so much smoke in the air and everything is so dry and grey/yellow. Everything and everyone is waiting for rain.
It doesn’t matter what you do or be Someone will tell you that it’s wrong We’re just singing in a different key Or even singing a different song Expect judgement in advance And carry on with a smile Relish your unique stance Revel in your personal style
Today I’m feeling:
Ok but still as if something has gone missing. It’s getting less concrete now and the other realities of life are breaking in.
Today I’m grateful for:
The expectedly surly staff at Immigration who gave me the forms I asked for. He was wearing a bright Songkran shirt and happily passed over the forms and I thought that he’s not really surly, he’s just being a little Thai and he’s at work dealing with all our farang shit all day. I wai’d my thanks and left.
The best thing about today was:
Picking up some mangoes and pomelo at the market near Oasis. The lady was helpful and I will enjoy eating them today and tomorrow.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I tried some magic mushroom gummies last night and they had no real discernible effect.
After my alarm went off this morning I dozed a while longer and vividly dreamt that where Amy and I were living ( it wasn’t here), in the garden a huge hole had formed as if dirt had been carried away by ants. I noticed our cactuses were even growing underground where they were now exposed by the hole.
I went back inside to get my phone. Amy wasn’t home so I wanted to take pictures to send to her but my phone kept messing up like there was some electrical or magnetic interference.
I walked out of the garden and the roads had flooded from rain I thought I had heard during the night. People were trudging through the water to their houses nearby. I noted the surroundings looked like it was in the New Forest somewhere.
Again my phone kept messing up so I turned it off and hoped to sort it out back inside. As I walked back there were people standing around but I suddenly noticed things were dry. Then I realised that it was the magic mushrooms and I had hallucinated the hole in the garden and the flooding. I woke up then.
An earlier dream involved me trying not to wake the devil even though I had to open the door. He was sleeping in a normal bed in a normal bedroom. To open the door I had to tell him the truth about who he was. I didn’t think this would be too bad as he already knew what he was but he didn’t know that I knew. I just wanted to get out so I was stuck in this paradox.
I remember waking him and feeling scared but not sure what happened after that.
All these bits and pieces make sense to me considering the TV show I have been watching, a German show called Dark. The story is good and imaginative and has at least kept my brain occupied.
Something I learned today?
I went to see about getting my driving licence updated and I learned about the documents I will need and that I should either get there early or be prepared for a long wait.
How do I want to feel right now?
Alive, awake, enthusiastic, and full of joy.
I took this picture because Cap is feeling the heat. It’s unusual for him to lay like this on the floor. Usually, he’s on the bed or sofa when he rolls onto his back.
Kick the can down the road It’s a problem for someone else Put the cap back on the bottle Leave it to settle on the shelf Sweep the dirt under the carpet Until there’s someone else to blame Well-versed in this deliberate tactic To put one’s enemies to shame If it ever comes back to bite Just retire and get out of the way Admit that mistakes were made And it’s someone else’s turn to pay
Today I’m feeling:
Tired but a little better than yesterday. It took me a couple of hours to get going though due to lack of sleep.
Today I’m grateful for:
The wind that came today and helped to clear some of the smoke. No doubt it will be replaced by new smoke by the morning. Everyone is hoping and waiting for rain. It’s forecast every day but never eventuates.
The best thing about today was:
I enjoyed watching the football today despite the Swans losing. It was a good game. My mood is slightly improved today.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Being unable to get to sleep was difficult and that made it hard to get up when morning came. When I did get up to feed the cats I wanted to sleep more but found I couldn’t properly and just tossed and turned and lucid dreamed for an hour or so. When I did get up I felt exhausted but awake, not sleepy again. I’m getting sleepy now in the evening and hope I can get a good night’s rest tonight. I want to go to the city tomorrow to renew my licences, do a little work at House and maybe do a little bit of shopping.
Something I learned today?
I feel like perhaps I didn’t learn anything that I didn’t already know. Some days that’s ok but I prefer to feel like I’ve learned something new even if it’s fairly inconsequential. I shouldn’t trap myself into a cycle of just seeing, reading and hearing things that just reinforce my beliefs despite how comforting that can feel these days.
What problem do I need to solve this week?
I need to get beyond this grief and sorrow. I know it’s coming slowly and things I have read have been helping. For example:
When you see anyone weeping for grief, either that his son has gone abroad, or that he has suffered in his affairs, take care not to be overcome by the apparent evil; but discriminate, and be ready to say, “What hurts this man is not this occurrence itself,- for another man might not be hurt by it, – but the view he chooses to take of it.” As far as conversation goes, however, do not disdain to accommodate yourself to him, and if need be, to groan with him. Take heed, however, not to groan inwardly too.
Epictetus, Handbook 16
I am the one weeping for grief and I must accommodate myself. Another is not hurt by the events in my life, and neither should I be. It is the view that I am taking. It feels harsh but true.
I am kicking myself too. I know that everything alive will die, why do I fight against this knowledge? In some ways, grief feels selfish.
I couldn’t get to sleep last night feeling hot when it was cold and cold when it was hot. My eyes stung from the pollution and my mind recalled recent events. I consoled myself by looking at photos of Kim, hearing her little purrs and feeling our nose rubs and smelling her head. I was teary but felt better but still not sleepy so I read more Khalil Gibran and was inspired by his quotes, many touching the raw nerve of what it is to be human.
“When either your joy or your sorrow becomes great the world becomes small.”
“The bitterest thing in our today’s sorrow is the memory of our yesterday’s joy.”
These were comforting for me and finally, I got to sleep though not long enough.
I took this picture because it’s unusual to find these two sitting together, both at the door looking out. I didn’t even notice them until I opened the door coming back from coffee.
Always searching for the elusive Open to interpretation Blown along like leaves in the wind To catch on to inspiration There’s no dogma here on the fence With a view of the garden on each side Just going along with the flow And the push and pull of the tide We’re humbled by the mysterious In awe of those who rage There’s a beautiful idea here Just waiting for the page
inspired by Red Hand Files #229
Today I’m feeling:
Flat, sad. The fucking smoke outside isn’t helping as the light barely gets beyond a dusklike feeling all day. It’s like a typical English dull grey weekend sky. This just makes me want to sleep. The slight mood upswing yesterday has been brought right back to earth. How do I miss a cat so much? Is it my mistake to have focused all my love onto Kim without even realizing it. Is it safer to not love?
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy being able to visit Mai in Albury which helps distract from her own feeling of loss and discomfort at not being here. It’s hard for me to be enthusiastic on video calls but seeing Mai’s daughter YaYa is pretty entertaining as she is a very lively and active 5-year-old.
The best thing about today was:
I’m still unenthusiastic but the first coffee was good and the 20 baht of strawberries I picked up outside 7/11 were ripe and juicy. It’s good that the garden got taken care of and also to see Amy and YaYa.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve not quite got a grip on my emotions yet and finding it hard to be here without Amy. I know things will get better and it will take time.
Something I learned today?
I came across the movie Made in Britain on YouTube today. I can remember watching it in 1982 and being excited by the music and the fucked up attitude of Trevor, played by Tim Roth. I seem to recall being confused by it at the time because it wasn’t clear to me what the message might have been as it amounts to either conform or go to prison. I know that was the purpose of the movie, that there didn’t seem to be any other options but that was little consolation to angry 14-year-old me. My solution was to run away to Australia which I think was the best decision of my life. Watching it again now made me kind of unhappily nostalgic. Those times were depressing yet they were all I knew. I guess inside I did still have a will to find a way out because that’s what happened. I can’t imagine what I would be doing if I was still stuck there. I was useless, with a bad attitude but I never had the guts to do the dumb things Trevor did in the movie. When my old schoolmate Jeremy boasts about having been in prison I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Fuck I’m glad those times are over yet I still wish I could live them again.
Describe a perfect day from start to finish.
Right now I feel like answering this like my students would answer it – sleeping!
I took this picture because the gardeners came today and cleaned things up but this picture still reflects my sadness as all the things are still set up in Kim’s room in the centre. Going in there and sorting things act may be the final admission that she’s gone. I still can’t understand it.
Keep blowing, the wind Blow away the aches Blow away the pain Of all of my mistakes
Keep blowing and skronking Blow in the chance To fill the empty spaces With a feverful dance
Today I’m feeling:
Better today but still flat and unenthused. I was able to write out some words, write a lesson plan and bash about on guitar. This all helped a little.
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Nut bringing me a bag of food for which I’m very appreciative. Check the picture for one item plus bagels, yoghurt and dried mango. I also felt a little better after our brief interaction so I’m glad she came to visit.
The best thing about today was:
Just feeling a little better in general. Little Kim is still on my mind particularly as it was this time last week I took her to the vet. Though I miss her I’m starting to feel happy when I think about her now.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Tigger sat his fat body in amongst the stacks of flashcards that I’d been sorting through. Miraculously he was delicate enough getting up again that he didn’t disturb them. I have to finish sorting them out and packed away before he sits on them again or worse still, sprays on them.
Something I learned today?
I watched a video summarising The Infinite Jest and it reminded me how awesome it was to read and made me feel like reading it again but…. there are a couple of hundred other books begging me not to!
What are three qualities I appreciate about myself?
Perseverance, ability to be alone, caring.
Perseverance because I have learned to just keep going. I’ve learned the things that I am unable to do but if there is something I do but do not do well or easily then I will keep trying. Some of these things I get better at and others I just keep doing them. I used to give up a lot when I was young. Somehow along the way, I learned to enjoy the big challenges. I’m thinking about my first job working at an electrical wholesaler and we always had large quantities of different types of cable. Sometimes the reels would break and the cable would get into a terrible tangle. Everyone hated dealing with this, including me. But I would take the time and set myself the task to do the impossible and untangle it all, measure it and tidy it up. I got pleasure from the end result of this.
My ability to be alone is surely learned from being an only child to a single mum (after my father died before even knowing him). Even though there were always many people around in the places that I lived I knew I was alone and kept myself amused and entertained. Yes, I still don’t play well with others and never enjoy suffering their dramas but I’m at peace with myself this way. Sometimes I watch TV or videos and think how fun it would be to do this and that, to be surrounded by family, part of a gang, hanging with work colleagues etc but then I realise that that is not who I am. And that’s ok. I still feel all those things are possibilities that I may one day entertain and enjoy.
And caring. I know my personality has at times shown extremely uncaring attitudes but I have always felt an existential care for the disadvantaged and underdog. I tend to care more about those who are truly suffering than those who are complaining (knowing I can be just as much of a complainer). I am a utopian dreamer and believe it is a government’s role and duty to provide care for all its citizens. I am only marginally philanthropic. I donate money where I can but don’t often donate my time. I often think about it but never take it further. I care about my close family immensely and I care about my student’s welfare, some would say more than I should.
I took this picture because Nut made this food for me and it was tasty and much appreciated. Middle Eastern and/or Indian inspired.
Hang on in there Don’t make this goodbye Your eyes shine at me But don’t speak those words I don’t want to wake up To hear those sad words It’s in the balance, fragile Like your kiss I want to see you again
Having been able to save a little money over the last couple of months which I’d planned to spend on myself but have been able to cover all the expenses our cats have had in March.
The best thing about today was:
The official start of the holiday for me. Also, see the attached picture.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
After dropping Kim with the vet this morning they advised to come back after 5 pm which I did. Dr Arnon said she only has a 50% chance of surviving this latest problem which is a low red blood cell count and lung infection.
Kim looks very sorry for herself but tried to sit up when she saw me and heard Amy’s voice on a video call. I got the impression Dr Arnon was trying to give us hope whilst he didn’t really believe it. I guess I would do that too. Nothing to do now but wait.
It was difficult to talk with Amy. She feels helpless because she is so far away and I’m helpless even though I am near.
We are sad that we can’t comfort each other though. Kim has been dealt a bad hand after being left to die in the back of a truck and having leukaemia.
We know that her life will be short but it’s hard to reconcile when we’ve seen her so happy and playful most of the time.
I really hope we can see that again.
Something I learned today?
The Thai PM has admitted failure in being able to control the annual fires and pollution in Thailand. No shit Sherlock. Doing next to fuck all about it never amounts to much.
Reflect on a meaningful experience I had this week.
It’s hard to write anything at this time whilst Kim Chi’s life is in the balance. I’m questioning myself if I did enough for her, should I have taken her to the vet sooner?
In hindsight, I can imagine she has not been well for a while but cats are never that clear about showing distress. If this is my meaningful experience this week it’s not over yet.
KP contacted me again about doing the English camp on Saturday which I had to decline because, despite feeling better myself, the air outside is still at hazardous levels. In normal circumstances, I would do it but now my feeling is low about things. Sigh.
Jet drew this picture of me because I asked her to. She’s a talent. Not sure about the devil horns though. She was very happy with her overall grade and said she looked forward to me teaching her again next semester.
Can we keep this forever? Hold each other’s hands Never grow up or grow old And always understands
Can we never reach the ending? A story never quite told A battery of endless energy Origami that won’t unfold
Can we hold these memories clear? And never ever forget It’s too much to say goodbye I’m just not ready yet
Today I’m feeling:
Exhausted. I couldn’t get anything done today despite planning to. I slept about eight hours, waking up just after 8am. I even did 60 star jumps to get myself going. The day though was looking grim. All that smoke from yesterday had settled in the valley like a nuclear winter, the sky dull and dead. After feeding the cats I fell onto the bed and gave up myself, deciding to sleep again, this time til midday. I forced myself out for coffee but only had the one. I just wasn’t feeling it. Unenthused, I got back in my cave with the purifier and TV and numbed myself back to sleep again, until around 4pm. I’m even looking forward to going to sleep again later. One of my write-off days.
Today I’m grateful for:
Cap and Tig hanging around me this afternoon, perhaps sensing that something isn’t quite right. Tangmo has been visiting more too. They are trying to fill the hole in my heart.
The best thing about today was:
I guess I did enjoy my dreams as they removed me from reality for a little while.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
A courier kept calling me to talk about a delivery but they couldn’t speak English. I guess through translation they eventually messaged me and I gave them my Google map pin. They won’t deliver until tomorrow though and I think they need a signature so will have to wait for them. I was planning to go get a new driver’s licence, which is what I had planned today too, but looks like will have to be next week now.
I took this picture because yesterday’s fires are today’s nuclear winter.
1994ever 