Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

My Own Despair – 5th April 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I just want to feel numb today
Don’t need the good things you say
Just want to sleep and fail to care
Just want to wallow in my own despair

I want nothing that can be had
I just want to be happy being sad
I want to punch and scream and yell
Let me remain in my personal hell

I want to sink into a deep depression
I want to be familiar with this obsession
I want to be alone, I want to be there
Just let me wallow in my own despair

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, a little uninspired but forcing myself through a to-do list I made last night. It’s distracting me as much as it can but little Kim is everywhere in my mind. Thinking about doing some meditation but think I will be unable to clear my mind and all I will end up thinking about is Kim. I’m tired but slept well and eight hours. I’m looking forward to watching the last two episodes of Top Boy and trying to save them for tonight. I’m at Utopia again this afternoon, enjoying this four-coffee high but wondering if I can get back to crossing something off my list or just falling into watching tv or reading. I need to eat too so that should give me a little brain boost as well.

Today I’m grateful for:

The farmers burning in the mountains behind our house. Why?  Well, it looked like they did it when the wind was taking the smoke over the mountain rather than down into the valley. Sorry for the folks that live up there. I wanted to turn into a giant and pour a glass of water over it all and blow away the smoke like I was the Monkey King or something. Despite my comforts I am a victim of poverty too. Tonight, ash is rain.

The best thing about today was:

I dosed and lucid-dreamed, a coffee coma, whilst listening to an interview with David Foster Wallace and a review of The Infinite Jest. Makes me want to read it again. As the conversation phased in and out I felt inspired but when I got up my thoughts turned blank. Or more accurately, they returned to the vacuum in my life once filled by a lovely little cat. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The fires were out of my control but as I mention above I try to make the best of it by imagining they were trying to do the right thing whilst doing the wrong thing.

Something I learned today?

I took a little ride around on the way home from Utopia this afternoon and discovered new roads and paths further into the mountain jungle, where fires have already burned out. There’s lots more building and activity going on. Land being cleared may be for new crops or new houses.
Sometimes I don’t recognise places that I rode through only a year ago.

Who has made a difference in my life lately?

This may be one of the usual suspects. Amy and Hayden. My circle is small, I’m fine with that even though I know it can leave me vulnerable in the future. So for people who have made a difference perhaps I might say Bruno for his friendship or David as a work colleague. Maybe the staff at my favourite coffee shops or customers that I have made friends with. Just their small contributions to my life make a difference.


I took this picture because I thought these flowers had all gone already. These are on the corner of the pond below Lake Hill Resort. The pond has now been landscaped for fishing and lots of jungle cleared to transform the area.

Gas Me Up – 4th April 2023

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Will you be there? Will you be my friend?
Will you come to the garden that I tend?
Will you gas me up and make me whole?
Guide me to the ground when I lose control

Today I’m feeling:

Flat, sad but not teary today. As I experience another day with the empty space that Kim used to fill I start to feel like I’m forgetting her already. This is grief and its recovery. I call her name when I go to the bathroom, pretending she is in the walk-in and if I peek around the corner I will see her beautiful eyes staring out from her favourite box.

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy’s mum and dad inviting me out for dinner as Amy’s brother is here for a few days. However, I’m not up for it. I only slept for 6 hours last night, not due to any trouble sleeping, just that I stayed up late and got up early. I will sleep early tonight for sure. Anyway, I appreciate their offer and that they dropped off some food anyway.

The best thing about today was:

Feeling a bit better than yesterday. Getting a few things done. Distracting myself.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Beyond the usual waiting time at the hospital for my two-minute consultation with the psych which I’m used to now, there was nothing much out of my control. I told him I changed my dose back to a full tablet a couple of weeks ago and also told him about my sadness but that it is not depression and I can tell the difference. I know I have to be careful that I don’t let it develop into depression though but I don’t think it will.

Something I learned today?

I learned that my petulant student Nam is working during her holidays. This kind of makes sense to me as I know she is smart but not academic. I like her a lot despite her attitude towards me sometimes. I love the challenge to make her smile and partake in class even if it is only for brief moments.

What do I love about where I live?

My house feels like home. My village is quiet but I’m still surrounded by convenience or perhaps I’ve just adjusted my activities to what’s available. The temperature is good for about 10 months of the year and the weather is good about the same when there’s no burning. I like the slow pace of life and the countryside environment. There are beautiful hills and valleys to explore and people are kind and curious.


I took this picture because even though we have 100s of photos of Cap there may come a time when we think we never took enough. He’s about 14 years old now and has been with us for all of our (Amy and me) relationship. I fixed up his climbing frame and scratching posts so that he has fresh rope to grip with his nails. He loves to be chased there and will scratch as his purrs echo outwards from the corner walls.

The Plough – 3rd April 2023

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The fire is out, now just smouldering
A burden the beast has been shouldering
Look beyond the mountain towards the sea
The red moon rising so graciously
A bell is calling to gather the bulls
A rope is the life on which it pulls
The will to work is never satisfied
Around the tree where stories are tried
Broken leaves sail down to earth
An imitation of an angel’s worth
All the chanting and all the prayers
There’s nothing dancing, nothing cares

Today I’m feeling:

Flat and sad. Lonely but not alone.

Today I’m grateful for:

Condolences from Art, Fon and Jess as well as Hayden, following up and checking in on me. I really appreciate that. Like Amy, I’m also feeling like not wanting to talk directly with anyone much even though people are being nice. 

The best thing about today was:

I tried to keep myself distracted as much as I could today. Washing bed sheets after Tigger sprayed next to the bed again getting some on the doona, going shopping, starting ironing, watching football. It worked for a while. I think I’m nearly cried out now.
 
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing springs to mind today. This is a quiet time now.

Something I learned today?

I found out that the familiar old guy at the Swans games (Kenny Williams, I also learned) had passed away recently and his ashes were spread on the Sydney Cricket Ground. He was honoured by the Swans with a seat with his name and also one for his wife who survives him. That guy was a legend.

What happened today worth remembering?

Whilst I was talking to Amy on a video call, Cap and Tig came out into the garden to do some investigating. Cap was in the corner near the termite mound and Tigger stalked him from the garage. Amy thinks Tig’s eyesight may be no good now and doesn’t recognise Cap from afar. These old boys are handsome and beautiful. I hope they can stay with me for a long time.


Amy took this picture back in November 2018 not too long after we got Kim Chi. Amy is putting together all our cat photos in Facebook albums.

And the light pours out of me – 2nd April 2023

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Confusions

This cracked mirror shows
The holes in the heart
Pieces drop to the floor
As the jigsaw falls apart
Put back together again
It’s never quite the same
Like a missing memory
It’s difficult to explain
Reorder, reimagined
Ghosts fill the floors
A handful of smoke
Rushes through closing doors
Voices in the distance
Are illusions of the past
Clear out all the cobwebs
These confusions will not last

Today I’m feeling:

Sad, down, and a little lonely. Our two Aussie cats are lovely but they never come and rub me nose-to-nose or come and settle on my lap. Kim Chi is everywhere in my memory but I want her here in my house. Sigh.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding olive oil in the kitchen so I could roast potatoes, pumpkin and onion for lunch. My first proper meal since Friday. I didn’t see the bottle where I was expecting but later found it on top of a cabinet. It saved me a trip out. I’m not much in the mood for going out though I know I should
.
The best thing about today was:

Despite what I said above about having no mood to go out I can’t stop myself from coffee. At Utopia Boss was hungover so Noey made my coffees and though she’s still practising they tasted fine. I chatted with her for a bit, conscious that I was just distracting my thoughts.

When I got home I called Hayden and asked him just to talk to me to distract me too. He is sounding good and seems to have come around to the offer of taking a permanent part-time position with his work. He’s starting to listen more to the advice Bronwyn and I give him though we know it can take a few days for him to run it through his mind. He asked if I wanted to talk about Kim and I said maybe next time and after hanging up I couldn’t hold back the tears.

As I imagine many people reading this, some will think what is the big deal it’s just a cat, and other cat owners will understand. But I ask myself, why am I so upset? I often consider the fact that we are all going to die and have talked with Amy about being prepared for our cat’s passing. So, something was special about the love I have for Kim Chi. I’ve always rooted for the underdog and when she came into our lives she was very lucky. She could’ve ended up at a temple totally defenceless against other cats and dogs. Instead, she got to spend her short life in relative happiness with us. For some reason, she attached herself more to me than Amy and after Amy went to Australia I guess I was pouring all my love into little Kim.

I cried out for her. Where are you, Kim? I pretended she was in her favourite box in the walk-in and was rubbing her head and tickling her tummy. I opened a gap between my hanging shirts hoping to see her little face once more, looking out sleepily before settling back into a new position. Where are you, Kim?

I know your body is in the ground here. But where are you?

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Apart from my grief, there’s nothing in particular out of my control today. I’m also not really doing anything either.

Something I learned today?

Apparently, Zelensky has said that if Bakhmut falls to Russia then Ukraine will have to sue for peace. This whole war was a waste of time and lives and some people have gotten very rich from it. Humans can be shit.

What is something I love about this season?

In north Thailand, there is nothing much to love about this season. The forecast is for a heatwave for the whole month which likely means no rain to clear the poisonous smoke. I guess there are still good strawberries around but it’s little consolation.

I put this picture here because this is the last picture I took when Kim was alive. One of the spots she loved to sit and annoy Cap from, or to launch herself off around the house on a mad chase.

See you again one day, Hellcat – 1st April 2023

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My Angels

I’ll hold you closer from now
That my heart is broken
Smell deep your essence
Hold tight your hand
Share thoughts left unspoken

We walk this path together
Against all sickness to fight
Step in my steps
Hold tight my hand
Jump off the edge in flight (my angels)

Today I’m feeling:

Very sad.

Today I’m grateful for:

The time I got to share with Kim Chi. Somehow she became my favourite cat. Time is not enough.

The best thing about today was:

…

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I guess that’s obvious. The emotion of grief is so strong. By the evening I was thinking about when I lost Steve and Kimi and how I’d felt then, comforted by the fact that I’m capable of getting over it. Now I’m still full of sadness and tomorrow things will be a little better and the day after that. I know I have to go through it and will have to go through it again in the future.

I also remember when my first cat died I didn’t have so much grief then, at least not that I remember. I think I was about 19 or 20 and I saw my cat suffering and was upset that the vet didn’t put him down straight away. I guess my anger replaced my grief in that instance. I’m glad that Kim didn’t seem to be suffering at the end.

I also think about filling that space left by Kim by getting another cat but I know that’s not a solution. I love our two cats we brought from Australia and they have been with us for more than a decade already. This grief will come again I know. They both have their own personalities and neither are really lap cats like Kim was a lot of the time. Cap stays around but doesn’t like being picked up. Tig loves rolling around in our garden. They are both very happy here which makes me happy too.

Something I learned today?

Death is just a whisper away.

What was the highlight of my day?

Hardly a highlight but I got to touch and stroke Kim’s lifeless body. I kissed her head and could smell her familiar smell. I covered her body with my old Idylls t-shirt and buried her in my favourite spot in the garden with a plant to mark her grave. Now I’m grieving and grieving hard. She was such a special little cat for me and she always showed me her love and affection. There’s an empty space here now that I know will soon fill again but right now I can’t stop my tears.

Amy took this picture because Hellcat has gone.

A.T.N.A. – 30th March 2023

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Another 1000-page report got written
That should keep the people quiet
The hand that feeds gets bitten
Because without action, the people riot

Today I’m feeling:

No headaches but still itchy eyes. Medicine kept me up last night, even watching TV for an hour or so but I don’t feel too tired this morning perhaps invigorated by going to work which meant going to the cafe pretty much, where I put together another lesson.

Today I’m grateful for:

All the teachers in our department that work so hard for little pay and cover the work that we foreigners should be doing but end up not doing because everything is in Thai. We just pretend to do a little work but at the end of the day, everyone understands the farce.

The best thing about today was:

George actually greeted me first this morning and then talked a little about what he has been doing these last two days when I asked. I was quite surprised and even surprised myself at not being sarcastic in return! Anyway, I don’t know what is going on in his life. Maybe he’s lonely or bored or anything so I happily carried on being pleasant and accommodating.

I was also happy to get all my flashcards cut up. I just need to sort them now.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Little Kim threw up her food. I think it was from last night. It seemed like she only ate a little this morning and now she’s back in the walk-in resting. She drank a little but didn’t eat and her body is starting to feel warmer again. She’s looking skinny and sad.

I’ll take her to the vet again in the morning.

Something I learned today?

I learned 8 benefits of drinking lemon water every day. I always have lemon water when I’m at House since I heard or read about it before, maybe even from watching the same video and forgotten since. Let’s see if I can remember…
1. Lowers cholesterol
2. Reduces liver fat
3. Gives vitamin C for immunity
4. Reduces some cancer risk
5. Helps you like be longer (probably)
6. And three more things!

I took this picture because this is the school cat Garfield and he was hanging around the front gate this morning. He’s always friendly though he did get annoyed with a little kid trying to rub him and bit his hand!

Fighting Life – 29th March 2023

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It’s a game of chance
And you’ve got a bad hand
Heading for elimination
Whether to fold or stand?

Fighting for the right
To play one more round
To run across the roof
Or to be under the ground

Today I’m feeling:

Tired, headaches, sore eyes and demotivated. The grey colour of the sky reminds me of the dullness of England. There is beauty everywhere but unseen without a light to shine on it.

Today I’m grateful for:

My rolling massage balls that can pummel my hips while I’m watching TV on the floor. My left hip is particularly sore and needs more movement but with the situation outside I’m staying in as much as possible and avoiding doing anything that requires deep gulps of air.

The best thing about today was:

Haven’t done much of anything today so it must be reading more of Death’s End, the third in the Three Body Problem trilogy. It’s interesting because an alien race is coming and Earth comes together as best it can but is unable to ‘beat’ them. It has parallels with our own historical geopolitics.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Right now, I just sat down to watch Netflix and it’s not working. Guess I’ll keep reading then!

Something I learned today?

Lots of geopolitical stuff but I’m getting tired of the whirlwind of information and useless information. I should just check in once a week or once a month instead.

Nothing that has been going on directly impacts me beyond the cost of living rising which is not really something I can control either way.

I’ve saved some money these last two days by not going to work because I’m sick and not eating because of my medicine. If I lose some kilos I hope I can keep them off.

What do I know is true?

I will die one day.

Someone from Utopia took this picture because they were showing how we need super-efficient masks to fight the pollution. I edited the picture and pinched an Australian slogan as a sarcastic commentary.

The Whys Men – 28th March 2023

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Kojaked caveman meditating
Declares life is a fountain
No ears received this pronunciation
At the hole in the mountain

Yulled madmen levitating
In boxes across the skies
Searching for any piece of wisdom
To answer the many whys

For fifty years the mystic
Held his arm above his head
Heard the echo from the cave
And suddenly fell down dead

The market stopped a breath
Then continued walking about
The circle of life and death
Is all it’s ever been talking about

Today I’m feeling:

Sick, headache, tired from lack of sleep because my eyes were sore and kept waking me up.

Today I’m grateful for:

The fact that I can take a day off work, go to the hospital, afford medicine and sit inside with the air purifier. I know these are getting repetitive but when I see labourers working outdoors in this pollution I must feel very grateful.

The best thing about today was:

Getting prescribed pseudoephedrine at the hospital for my nose being blocked and irritated and then lorazepam to help me sleep. My body is a medicine cabinet! The pseudoephedrine has put me off eating though. Not sure if I will go back to work tomorrow yet.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I felt like lots of things were out of my control today but just let it go. My health, the air, waiting at the hospital, the medicines provided and then the effects of taking the medicines.

Amy was critical of me wanting to stay here but what can I do right now? I’m here and our cats are here. Yes, this situation sucks and we could change it if we wanted but that would involve us buying a place to live in South Thailand.

Hopefully, this pollution problem goes soon, it’s already better today but I hope it gets fixed properly for the future.

The last couple of years have been really good here. Wherever we go has its good and bad points.

Something I learned today?

Watching Tim Newton talking about Thai news today was interesting as it featured the pollution problem here in the north. Apparently, there were protests at the district office in CR yesterday and there are more people speaking out now about the issue. I’m still doubtful anything will get done quickly or anything substantial but who knows.

What changes am I experiencing right now?

The change from teaching to holiday is fucking me up. I’m getting lazy though other things factor into that too, such as the weather and pollution. I have to find some things to do during this time to keep my brain occupied and body moving.

I took this picture because after finishing at the hospital I went to Utopia for coffee and was presented with this!

The Blank Page – 27th March 2023

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Falling like angels, imperfect and tragic
We tell ourselves stories of gods and their magic
Foundations built on uneven ground
Where the selfish, ignorant and unhappy are found

Where’s our tabula rasa to write our story
Where happiness lies beyond the glory
Our society corrupts us from our fabled youth
Up our own backsides won’t find us the truth

Why concern yourself with conflict and plotting
Everyone is getting what everyone is gotting
Is there any wish worse than the end?
Our fate’s already decided my friend.

Today I’m feeling:

Fairly upbeat and positive though still suffering from the bad air.

Today I’m grateful for:

House cafe! But not for coffee, or not just for coffee. I did a runner from the big hall I was in with all the other teachers telling a colleague that I was going to the cafe because they have an air purifier and wifi that works. Safer and better for work. I told them to contact me if there was anything they needed me for. Happier to be here than stuck in that hall with 100s of other teachers breathing the putrid air.

The best thing about today was:

I’m happily converting my old lessons to use Quizizz which I’m hoping makes my class more fun for the students. I actually enjoy doing this and rethinking how better to engage the kids.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

As mentioned above, the air quality is out of my control so rather than suffer and complain I came up with a solution both better for me and for the school ie. going somewhere safe and getting more work done.

What are my top three priorities for this week and why?

1. Trying not to develop lung cancer, for fairly obvious reasons.
2. Making sure Kim Chi is ok as she hasn’t been eating much and sleeping even more than usual.
3. Getting as much work done before the holiday starts for real because I know I will be lazy to do much during that time.

I took this picture last week because these fruits and flowers looked pretty hanging on the tree as I was walking by. No new picture today as everything is a dull grey tone of armageddon. The red sun couldn’t even pierce the fog of smoke and it was already almost dark at 5 pm.

Anchorite – 26th March 2023

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I have a window to the world
If you wish to bother me
Ask me for a prayer
And I’ll give it to you for free
Otherwise, I’ll be here by myself
Just my thoughts and me
Freedom is in my mind
I consider myself to be free

Today I’m feeling:

Tired with headaches and irritated sinuses and eyes, sometimes short of breath.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having gone shopping a couple of days ago and having food to cook in the fridge. I’d thought about getting food outside but really didn’t want to go out again.

The best thing about today was:

When I got home from morning coffee I put on Blondie’s Plastic Letters and blasted it loud as I hung out washing, cleaned up all the cat spray around and then vacuumed everywhere. It’s a great album, my favourite era Blondie.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

With low visibility due to the smoke, I couldn’t help thinking poorly about the situation. I understand I have no control over it but it seems unfair to be subjected to it.

However, I talked myself around by thinking about all the positives of being here, particularly after Amy sent me a picture from a restaurant of her small plate of pasta which looked like something I made (ie. not aesthetically pleasing) and cost her 27 dollars! Unbelievable!

Whilst looking at AQI data I saw that Chiang Mai was the number 1 worst place in the world at over 300 and Sydney was about 98th worst with just 4! I’d pay 27 dollars for clear sky right now.

Something I learned today?

After deleting my poker app because it was just taking up too much time I still watch some videos of games and came across a cheating scandal yesterday and I’ve been hooked on the story since watching lots of videos of interviews and opinions. The poker world is a bit of a crazy place.

What is something that I have been putting off and why?

Yesterday I put off updating this journal because I was engrossed in watching a TV show and when I sat down to write it was past midnight and the question prompt had already, appropriately, changed to this one.

Yesterday’s prompt was ‘What experience do I need to write about’ and my answer, as detailed in this blog, is all of them.

Am I reliving my life because I am no longer living? I like to set myself ridiculous challenges so here I am.

Art took this picture because about once a month I’m his promotion model.