Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Anchorite – 26th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I have a window to the world
If you wish to bother me
Ask me for a prayer
And I’ll give it to you for free
Otherwise, I’ll be here by myself
Just my thoughts and me
Freedom is in my mind
I consider myself to be free

Today I’m feeling:

Tired with headaches and irritated sinuses and eyes, sometimes short of breath.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having gone shopping a couple of days ago and having food to cook in the fridge. I’d thought about getting food outside but really didn’t want to go out again.

The best thing about today was:

When I got home from morning coffee I put on Blondie’s Plastic Letters and blasted it loud as I hung out washing, cleaned up all the cat spray around and then vacuumed everywhere. It’s a great album, my favourite era Blondie.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

With low visibility due to the smoke, I couldn’t help thinking poorly about the situation. I understand I have no control over it but it seems unfair to be subjected to it.

However, I talked myself around by thinking about all the positives of being here, particularly after Amy sent me a picture from a restaurant of her small plate of pasta which looked like something I made (ie. not aesthetically pleasing) and cost her 27 dollars! Unbelievable!

Whilst looking at AQI data I saw that Chiang Mai was the number 1 worst place in the world at over 300 and Sydney was about 98th worst with just 4! I’d pay 27 dollars for clear sky right now.

Something I learned today?

After deleting my poker app because it was just taking up too much time I still watch some videos of games and came across a cheating scandal yesterday and I’ve been hooked on the story since watching lots of videos of interviews and opinions. The poker world is a bit of a crazy place.

What is something that I have been putting off and why?

Yesterday I put off updating this journal because I was engrossed in watching a TV show and when I sat down to write it was past midnight and the question prompt had already, appropriately, changed to this one.

Yesterday’s prompt was ‘What experience do I need to write about’ and my answer, as detailed in this blog, is all of them.

Am I reliving my life because I am no longer living? I like to set myself ridiculous challenges so here I am.

Art took this picture because about once a month I’m his promotion model.

No Aliens – 25th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

*The era of degenerate freedom is over
We must retrieve the dignity of our race*
There’s something bigger than all of us
That will teach us exactly our place

Our distrust for each other destroys us
And easily manipulated by bad actors
Always a third party invites themselves
Divided we fell when they attacked us

There’s no alien or god to be blamed
Only for ourselves to be ashamed

*Text from, and poem inspired by, Death’s End by Liu Cixin

Today I’m feeling:

Contented, sleepy and positive.

Today I’m grateful for:

My tattooist who gave me a 500 baht discount today. I guess I should probably know her name. I’ll ask next time. Cos there will be a next time!

The best thing about today was:

Getting a new tattoo. Whilst I was in the chair I was closing my eyes and savouring the tickle of the needle and later with the colouring, the pain. I was thinking that as with most things, the anticipation and the journey to the goal are often better than the finish or the result.

Now I have this tattoo I will enjoy it of course but I’m already thinking about what might come next. I haven’t done much else today really!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I arrived at Kanom Tattoo Studio about 20 minutes early for my ten o’clock appointment as the girls prepared the room equipment and artwork. It felt like not long after and I was in the chair getting the outline work done.

I’d lost track of time as I closed my eyes and sent myself off on different tangents of thought until my butt got uncomfortable and I would adjust my position whilst trying to keep my right arm still and so on until it was time for a break before colouring.

I was shocked to see it was already 1.30. I didn’t really have any other plans for today anyway so I just accepted the situation and when I got home I ate and watched videos and TV until I’m here now in bed past midnight.

Tomorrow I have to take Tigger to the vet for one more vaccine but it doesn’t really matter what time so I’m sure to sleep in a bit.

Something I learned today?

When I woke up this morning I could already smell the air pollution from the smoke, even indoors. Outside looked abysmal too but I didn’t think too much about it as it’s kind of expected at this time of year and nothing ever gets done to try and remedy the situation.

In the afternoon Amy messaged me that the AQI was over 600! I thought that couldn’t be right. It was around 250 yesterday and today didn’t seem that much worse but I checked the app and sure enough, she was right. This was another reason for not doing much else today – just sitting in the living room with aircon and purifier trying not to develop lung cancer. I have headaches and bloody snot and do not feel 100%.

I took this picture because this is the lovely dog at the tattoo shop. He’s very soft and gentle.

Put It Together – 24th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Forever putting ourselves back together
Is the method to make ourselves stronger?
Grief tears us apart and still, we rise
To travel dark paths no longer

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from lack of sleep though still happy and content. Struggling to concentrate whilst lesson planning. Eventually napped whilst listening to music.

Today I’m grateful for:

Our purifier and being able to stay indoors in an aircon room with it cleaning the air. The pollution was so bad this morning I couldn’t see any mountains, not even the nearby ones at the university.

The best thing about today was:

Laying out our folding bedding in the living room to have another option to sit and lie when reading or watching TV. Because it isn’t thick it felt good for my back, for a while at least. I ended up stuck there for most of the afternoon and evening, falling asleep and then sucked into The End of the Fucking World TV show which was enjoyable for its odd English quirkiness.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I snoozed my alarm three times this morning and when I finally got to the kitchen I found the kettle sitting in a pool of cat spray which I quickly cleaned up. As I was going to bed I followed a line of ants marching into Amy’s room, turned on the light and found more cat spray on the floor and fan! Handled with a sigh. I’ll clean it up tomorrow.

Something I learned today?

I saw a couple of wild videos about San Francisco and teenagers fighting in shopping malls and then wedding photographers getting held up at gunpoint whilst working and getting their stuff stolen – happened to different photographers at another park too, and then more videos of cars and vans being looted. The wild west is still wild!

If I could do anything, what would it be?

I’d like to…. I don’t know. I feel like I can do anything. If I think existentially I wonder about living my life again knowing all the things I know now but I feel that there would be downsides to that too. Eliminating one set of frustrations would likely just lead to another. If I think about something like jumping out of an airplane well there’s not really anything stopping me from doing that.

Ok. I’ve got it. If I could do anything, it would be to be able to teleport.

I took this picture because if you look closely you can just about see the sun setting. It’s amazing that the light and heat from it can travel millions of kilometres to reach us but then struggles to make the last little distance to Earth because people are burning the fields everywhere.

Definition – 23rd March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I don’t need attention or money anymore
I’m no longer the person I was before
Staring into the sky, wondering what to be
Scared that I no longer know what is me

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and hopeful though a little tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

A message from my student Aoi to our class chat saying that she missed me (perhaps a little tongue in cheek) and then Jeng said he did too. I’m glad it’s not just me that feels a void after the intensity of the semesters.

The best thing about today was:

Unexpectedly being home by 10 am was pretty sweet, getting to enjoy all the things I enjoy such as reading, grooming our cats, watering the garden, putting together lesson ideas, drinking coffee and playing cards at Daytripper.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I got to school late because I knew nothing would really start until around 9 am but then when I got to the hall it was all locked up and no one was around. I went back to our building and found out that we won’t be in the hall again until next week.

Ok, no problem, though I had left all my flashcards that I was making in there. I just hope they are recoverable. I asked Kru Mai what I should do today and he just shrugged and said to start putting together presentations for the next semester, which is what I would be doing whether I was at school or not anyway.

I said cool, no worries and came home! I’m thankful the environment here is flexible in this way, not like at previous schools.

In the afternoon I did start putting together my plans for my classes whilst enjoying coffees at Daytripper. Well, why not?

Something I learned today?

I watched a video advising how best to play barre chords on guitar. I’m still struggling with these and my hand and wrist get tired quickly so I’m looking for all the tips I can get. Want to keep playing, and improve my skill and speed. It’s going to be slow for an old bloke like me.

What is something positive happening in my life right now?

I’m feeling pretty positive about everything at the moment though I’m trying to think of something specific. It’s just me and Cap here in bed, in the aircon and…and what? So long as my brain doesn’t fall into a loop of negative thoughts I consider everything positively. Ok got it. The positive thing happening in my life right now is my thoughts.

I took this picture because I thought this plant had died as all the leaves had curled up brown. I secretly held out hope but there was nothing for six months until a couple of weeks ago, new growth and now the unfurling. Amazing.

Making Tracks – 22nd March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When the road is muddy the air is clear
So follows the only road out of here
And when the road is dust the air is thick
Steps are laboured as the cart is sick
Trails are blazed along dotted lines
Paths that were paved in ancient times
Making tracks towards the next fire
Making monuments that will inspire

Today I’m feeling:

Happy enough despite having to be at school. Utilising the time this morning to glue some flashcards for next semester. Messy and mind-numbing but at least not looking at the phone or watching anime as some other teachers are doing.

Today I’m grateful for:

Strawberry season. I know I did this one recently but I just ate a punnet of juicy rippers from the hill tribe lady and her snotty-nosed kid outside 7-11. Delicious.

The best thing about today was:

Finding out what classes I will teach next semester which also includes a new class for me with M4 students (15/16-year-olds) in the hospitality program. Many of the students haven’t studied in English programs so it’s just like teaching elementary level again. It should be fun and at least something new to try.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I didn’t have any control over where I had to be today which was in the school hall with all the other teachers. In the morning we just heard the directors talking about what we will do but as it was all in Thai there was little for us to do. I had planned for this and brought my components to make flashcards while waiting. Not sure what we have to do this afternoon yet but I hope I get more glue time.

Something I learned today?

David laughed when I talked about glue being made from horses (at one time at least) as he didn’t believe me until he looked it up online. He thought he was getting high off the fumes but I didn’t think that they would have glue you could get high on at schools but then, this is Thailand.

What did I learn? I met Indian Paul in the hall and he told me he was upset. He told me how next semester he has been given a co-teacher that he has had problems with before. I laughed and told him this is his reward for being given the teacher of the year award this semester. Sometimes it’s better to keep your head down!

What does contentment mean to me?

Contentment means no stress from difficult people. Stress is ok and people being difficult can be ok too but combined means discontent.

I took this picture because I was watering the jacarandas and turned around to see the dappled sky in the sunset. Home.

Done – 21st March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In the time it took to read this line
A million things could’ve been done
I’m feeling fine, searching for the perfect rhyme
Though perhaps this isn’t the one

Did you do the things you always wanted to?
Or just work away the days
I guess it’s true we never think things through
And time is the crime that never pays

Today I’m feeling:

Good but a little tired due to sleeping late. Walked to Utopia as a counter to having an afternoon nap, coming to try their new Affagato which has got my heart racing. Contemplating what to do if I go home or to walk on to Daytripper but then what to do there…

Today I’m grateful for:

My crappy old earphones that allowed me to listen to a podcast as I walked around in the heat. Am I the old man that prefers to listen to people talking about music rather than listening to music?

The best thing about today was:

In the afternoon, after walking back home and having a shower I felt inspired to read and got hungry so ate my salad before calling Amy at cat feeding time.

Still with some energy, I did a bit of watering as dusk settled in.

As I went to close the gate I was still not satisfied and decided to pull up the vines that grow behind our driveway’s tall grass. Pulling them out is a great feeling and I didn’t really notice the humidity, the grass cuts on my fingers and my itchy skin until Tangmo came along and distracted me and we played with his rope which he happily brought back each time I threw it.

In total darkness now I got back inside and had my third shower for the day.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

A message came through for teachers to spend the next week or so crammed in the big hall doing lesson plans. I reckon we’ll be able to drift out pretty quickly but still, it’s not a thrilling prospect, especially as I’m already doing lots of work around my lessons.

Oh well, I have a plan to do the flashcard glueing whilst I’m there rather than do it at home. That’s a good use of the time for me at least. I’ll get my head around everything else and it will be ok.

Something I learned today?

A study produced by Ipsos in Paris found that the Chinese are overwhelmingly the happiest people of the 32 countries questioned. Of course, it’s just one study and people are quick to bring up other studies as counterarguments but there seem to be more and more of these kinds of positive happiness studies of China appearing.

What is the most beautiful place I’ve ever visited?

I’ve seen some beautiful places in Australia, China, Japan, Thailand, Malaysia and pretty much most places I’ve been.

But sometimes there are simple places that stand out not just because of their beauty, which may be seen at any time of year or over the years and decades; places that brought a euphoria with them that might never be repeated, the smells and sounds nostalgic indicators, the people those moments may have been shared with.

Riding a pushbike through Branksome Chine, a hidden pond in the English countryside discovered one summer evening, the rocks off the path in the bush down to Middle Harbour discovered during a lunch break with TLJ, in an artists warehouse anticipating bands to perform.

I took this picture because I’d noticed these flowers on the weekend as I rode home. As I was walking today I had time to stop and grab this shot.

The Contract – 20th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Killing time still brings the crows
A pile of shit still grows the rose
Who will hold and stab the blade
To break the contract freely made

To cut the cancer, counter pain
To withhold freedom for general gain
Sign the papers or travel far
To find agreement to what we are

Today I’m feeling:

Much better than yesterday. Despite sleeping less than 7 hours I woke a little more motivated, did some exercise and told myself that I will do some lesson preparation to keep myself occupied in the morning.

I also wrote a message to Amy explaining how I was feeling over the weekend and we both are missing each other.

Took a full tablet of sertraline this morning. I know it can’t take effect immediately but the placebo effect can.

Today I’m grateful for:

The patient waitress at Lardna Aroi who understood what I wanted with my bad Thai and some translation help. I tipped her two baht to round up the bill to 100 baht. Last of the big spenders.

The best thing about today was:

An unexpected message from my student Earn in the class LINE saying that she missed me. I replied that I missed everyone too. It’s funny because usually if I try and talk to Earn at school she tells me to go away (in a non-serious way). Leaving this job one day will be super hard!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’m still struggling with some small issues with my computer but I have some optimism that they will get sorted out with a bit more investigation and time. Nothing particularly stressful.

Something I learned today?

I saw a video this evening that indicated that Australia wouldn’t follow the US into war with China. This is a surprise, particularly after investing in submarines that would likely support a war effort. Something is going on behind the smoke and mirrors.

What makes me unique?

I want to be facetious in my answer. I am not unique at all. Yet, everyone is.

But in the spirit of the question….I don’t know. Perhaps it’s not for me to say but for others. It’s usually easy to say something like this about someone else rather than yourself. Why?

This is ridiculous, the more I think about it the less unique I become.

Someone working at Daytripper took this picture and then used it in one of their Facebook posts to promote that they were open. Free model, listening to Kishore Mahbubani talking about US-China relations, deep in thought. But this picture just makes me want to work off more of that back fat so that my shirts fit better.

Confirmation Bias – 19th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Stop looking at it
It’s all you’ll ever see
Your beliefs reinforced
Swinging from a tree

Stop picking at it
Or the wound will never heal
A rising of blood
Drowns out your appeal

Stop clicking on it
The addict and the fix
Knock your house down
It’s built on broken bricks

Today I’m feeling:

Quiet, low, not down but unenthusiastic and bored. Missing my little Amy at times like these.

Today I’m grateful for:

A little rain. It’s 8.30 pm and I just went to close the gate. Tigger was around and chatting with me. Light drops hit my skin every step or two and it felt like that would be it. I hung on the straps in the garage for a second enjoying the stretch in my arms, shoulders and back.

Then I came to sit outside our front door and write here. Slowly larger drops fell noisily on our assorted roofs and Tigger looked on bemused.

Then a flash and peal of thunder excited the air. A very slight breeze has made the temperature bearable again and I think even the mosquitoes are hiding. More rain, please.

The best thing about today was:

I think right now, listening to the rain. I knew today that I would watch the replay of the first Swans game of the season but the app didn’t work on the iPad so I checked the website on the laptop, which annoyingly doesn’t have the option to hide the scores. I obscured the screen as best I could but looking around to find the replay button, which wasn’t there yet, I accidentally saw the scores. We won but it still steals the pleasure of watching the game not knowing the outcome.

As I waited for the replay option to become available I played some more Xbox and started on a beer.

Today, I planned to have a beer or two whilst watching the game, as a kind of reminder of days past in Australia.

Amy video-called me as she was on a boat trip around the harbour. A beautiful hot day there, perfect to be on the water. Later she called again, a little drunk and happy but also teary because she wished I was there. And I wished I was too.

Finally, the replay was available to watch and we played well but I felt joyless. After a second beer, I decided not to have more as I was starting to nod off in the final quarter of the game. Enough so that after it finished I got into bed with the fan on me, waking up a couple of hours later in a 31-degree sweat. I felt a little better but still joyless and bored.

Now Tigger is sitting on me here in this chair, purring and observing.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My mood is a little out of control again and I think I want to go back to my full tablet of sertraline again. I’m realising that the deep connection I feel with my students leaves a vacuum in the semester breaks. I need to give some love to myself but don’t feel quite capable.

Something I learned today?

I took a little detour when riding back from Utopia this morning, around the back of the village towards the hidden temple halfway up the mountain. Everything is changing so quickly out there. The temple is no longer hidden and new dirt roads are heading off deeper into the mountains. I’ll go check them out one day soon.

How can I continue to challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone?

Although I fall into laziness quite easily I try to challenge myself into making my classes better for my students. That’s not particularly outside my comfort zone though. My comfort zone keeps me fairly content and I can mostly adjust to any boredom that arises from it. But I don’t want to get complacent either.

Somehow, usually in time, fresh challenges come forth and I’m ok just waiting for them to arrive. It feels like a balance that is usually maintained. It’s not often I need to find things to challenge myself.

I feel like I don’t know what I’m writing here. These thoughts feel very now. If asked this question on a different day I think my answers would be almost the opposite.

I took this picture because Cap wanted to watch the football too.

Total Victory – 18th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Nothing but total victory will suffice
Is at the heart of democratic advice
Diplomacy is an admission of defeat
Propaganda must make victory complete

Cutting off the head is seen to win
The hearts and minds of those within
Here we go again, history repeated
Total victory has been totally defeated

Today I’m feeling:

Woke up tired after not sleeping until about 1 am as I’d been busy setting up my computer again. Feeling right after coffees!

Today I’m grateful for:

All the people in the world who make it possible for me to get my computer running the way I want. It often involves a little bit of fiddling around to get dodgy bits and pieces of software going but once it’s done I forget about it until the next time I have to rebuild my computer.

The best thing about today was:

I took Cap back to the vet to check his blood and got the all-clear which was good news. Cap talked all the way there and back and was relieved once home again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy was upset over something that happened with one of her friends and even though I thought I was saying the right thing it wasn’t what she wanted to hear so she hung up the call. Unfortunately, her upset transferred to me and I just felt grumpy after that so I took an afternoon nap which was enjoyable at least.

I still feel a little uninspired and bored after that though. I didn’t feel like playing guitar which I had been looking forward to in the morning. I ended up just playing Xbox for a while and even that felt like a struggle.

Something I learned today?

I learned how to play Dishonored 2 on Xbox. I enjoyed the first game and this one looks good too but my head is just not in the right space at the moment for time wasting like this. That could change in a couple of days though.

What are a few of my favourite wise quotes?

Check out any entries from last year. One every day.

I took this picture because these plants are getting their new leaves. Even the one that looked totally dead has hung on for another year.

New Wombs – 17th March 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

We’ll birth our babies from sacs
So our mothers feel no pain
Patting ourselves on our backs
With this technological gain

A matrix of unborn babies
Hanging up in store
We take away one suffering
Perhaps replaced by more

A matrix of millions
Spat from artificial wombs
Why not exploit them further
In this society that consumes

Mothers now free of pain
Have more time for shopping
Acceptance is hard to explain
When there’s no sign of stopping

Today I’m feeling:

A tinge of sadness but in general pretty happy. I was sad when I got to school and walked around but found no students. An empty school reminds me that at other times these are just useless buildings.

I miss my students already though I know I will be over it soon enough, maybe even already!

Today I’m grateful for:

The staff who fixed my iMac and called me at 11 am, just as I was about to head home. It was ready to pick up. Great timing.

I’m happy to have a working machine again and looking forward to getting it back into the shape that works for me.

The best thing about today was:

Getting a quick haircut was pretty satisfying as it’s getting too hot to have a thick head of thinning hair.

Sitting at Daytripper and putting together another lesson was fun too.

Also, whilst there, watching the highlights of the first game of the AFL season on my laptop and watching students come and go.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I struggled to find all the software I needed to reinstall on my refurbished iMac. I’ll probably have to fiddle around a fair bit more before it’s really back in the shape I want. But that’s all right, this kind of annoying challenge suits me.

Something I learned today?

I watched a little Al Jazeera segment on the state of Iraq since the Western allies’ illegal war there. It seems that the little hope Iraqis had at the removal of Saddam Hussein was very short-lived and one has to wonder how much is the fault of the allies and how much the Iraqis themselves.

Money, power and religion make for a terrible mix when it comes to governance.

What is something in my life that I feel “lucky” to have?

Trying to think how to answer this. In one way I feel lucky for everything I have. In another, I feel like it wasn’t luck at all. So I’m trying to think of something that was just luck.

So after five minutes, I’ve decided all the things I have were not due to luck. Except for one thing.

I’m reminded by my student who told me her story of her parent’s rejection and asking ‘if they didn’t want me then why did they have me?’ We didn’t ask to be born, yet here we are.

So the one thing in my life that I feel lucky to have is life itself.

I took this picture because I’m at the hairdresser again. To get a haircut, not to just take a picture of their cat.