Amy’s dad who came to fix the back door. Unfortunately, his definition of fixing didn’t quite match ours and he just nailed two bits of wood not just across the door but across the frame too making it unusable. His reasoning was to leave it like that until Amy gets back to find a replacement door. I still need to use the door though! But I’m still grateful he came and tried to help.
The best thing about today was:
Hanging out with all the English program students in the morning and having fun with them. At one point Kru Mai introduced all the teachers around the room and when it came to me there was a big cheer around the room from my students which made me feel really good. I also talked a little with the ‘weird’ teacher Ren that I mentioned yesterday and he seems really cool.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I didn’t go to sleep until late last night and also woke up during the night so I ended up snoozing my alarm and skipping any workout. That’s ok. I’m still working my way into my daily workday routine and don’t want to push it.
Amy sent this picture because this was the scene one morning a year or two ago. This year no insects (so far) but also no Kim Chi 😢 Amy and I are still feeling sad about this and it is taking us time to get over, I think because we are not together. When Amy is back in July we can fully grieve and heal.
A starving cycle, a luxury trap The fight for food for generations These are anxious times to live Constantly making preparations Adapted gut, adopted aches Too late to repair our mistakes
Today I’m feeling:
Fairly positive and upbeat. I enjoyed being around the students this morning though still left at 10am as there was nothing specific for me to do. But everyone is in a fairly good and relaxed mood, teachers and students both.
Today I’m grateful for:
The second 20 baht shop I went to that had some cheap nasty leather gloves that I want to use to pull up the grass around the cactuses as the gardeners will just smash all the little hidden ones with the cutter. I don’t feel comfortable asking them to pull out the grass first even though that’s kinda what I’m paying them for. It’s a little annoying task I can do to help the cactuses grow and make me feel good. The gloves are badly made and uncomfortable on the pinky finger but they’ll stop me from getting spiked I hope!
The best thing about today was:
Pretty much everything was enjoyable today. I feel quite happy. I’m still a little guarded when I write that as I still feel that I have no right to be happy.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
In our teacher’s room today we were introduced to Ren, a new university student teacher on placement. Kru Mai said he likes to cross-dress and cosplay. George started saying why do we get these strange or ugly student teachers and why not get some hotties instead and then Kru Mai talked about another one (female) starting this week that was cute. I bit my tongue and left. I know it’s just gossipy shit talk but George is often saying things like that. I used to play along and I’m not averse to working with attractive people but it’s usually the weird and unattractive ones who have the best personalities and are more enjoyable to work with. It’s not nice to complain about the lack of beauty in our co-workers and if it’s not sincere then it’s a bad joke.
Something I learned today?
I watched a short documentary about kids speed-cubing, solving Rubic cubes as quickly as possible. Not life-changing but a little interesting. I’m still more impressed by the young Chinese boy who solved 3 cubes whilst juggling them, in under six minutes. When I see crazy feats like that I wonder what more meaningful achievements lie ahead for people like that, or if they expended all their brain power on this inconsequential feat.
What is a decision I need to make?
I can’t decide what to write. Right now, it’s a decision about whether to read a little or just go to sleep.
I took these pictures because this is about as close as these decade-old companions ever get to each other. Still putting my Kim Chi love into these two so taking lots of pictures of them.
You just finished your work orientation and I just started back at school. We’re both moving forward with this next step and who knows where will be by the time we read this. It’s exciting.
I don’t know too much about the kind of work you will be doing but it does sound as if it will be rewarding and fulfilling, along with frustrating and difficult as all work can be. I hope you are enjoying it and getting back some of the good karma that you are putting out there. I don’t believe in karma as an external thing, in that it actually comes back to you from outside yourself. I think it is internal. Helping other people just makes you feel good and more positive about all the things going on around you. What do you think?
When we receive this letter it gives us chance to look back and reflect on the last 12 months. For better or worse, here we are.
Now living in a generation of hope This is a world in which to move up One where all the collected spoils Can be shared from the same cup
The test of the promises made Will be seen when faced with the burden Where the whisper will turn to cries Yet claimed that none ever heard them
Today I’m feeling:
Reasonably upbeat and positive after doing half an ab workout this morning and then coming home early to enjoy the rest of the day. Tigger spent about three hours sleeping next to me on the sofa where Cap usually sleeps.
Today I’m grateful for:
My old students Porpieng and Baitong telling me about their new school, Tessaban 6. I was pleased to know that they are not allowed phones during the day and also have to do homework. I think they will both benefit from a bit of a tougher atmosphere in school though they are not particularly thrilled about the change right now. I have high hopes for these two students as they stood out to me in my classes.
The best thing about today was:
Feeling inspired enough to check out some more Thai learning apps and sitting and doing some study and revision. I’ll get back into the habit again so I can try and communicate more.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
This morning I got up as usual and did everything as normal. As I was driving to school I noticed that another school I drive past was closed today. That was weird. Then I noticed that traffic was much better today too. And as I got closer to my school it became obvious that it was a holiday today but no one had told me. There was also nothing in my online calendar about any public holiday either. Well I just tuned right around and drove back straight to Utopia and enjoyed a couple of coffees there. Never mind the wasted petrol, here we are already with a day off after only two days back at school. Take what you can get.
Something I learned today?
I guess I learned (a little too late) that today is the Royal Ploughing Ceremony holiday and that the schools shut because of this.
What impact do I hope to make in the world?
Bereft of youthful idealism I hope that I can encourage some of my students to push themselves to make better futures for themselves. Perhaps this is elderly idealism. At least I still cling to an ideal.
I took this picture because Tig enjoys my book in a different way than me! He came for cuddles and rubs and ended up staying.
Can you say hello for ten thousand years? Can you see these words in twelve thousand and twenty-three? What does it mean when the writing is on the wall? Leaving one’s mark for the whole world to see Were your dreams as big as mine today? Staring at a sky only minutely adjusted It’s a blink of an eye for those held on high And in whose words were once trusted
Today I’m feeling:
A little dizzy and unsure which way things will go. So I’ll push myself in the direction of happiness as best I can.
Today I’m grateful for:
The two bloggers who click on the like button to almost every single thing I post. I’m reminded about this today as I had a quick look at their posts too and liked a few back.
The best thing about today was:
Getting home before midday after going to school, hanging around, having coffees and going grocery shopping. Taking advantage of this chill week before getting into the classroom. Also seeing Mee, Yok and Petch at school again as they didn’t come yesterday. We were all happy to see each other again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Nothing except minor inconveniences that were acceptable to my current state of mind.
Something I learned today?
I saw a nice story about Taiwanese and HKers travelling to a mainland Chinese city to celebrate a local south china festival of which I forget the details but the point is that despite all the supposed tensions between these places the average people in the street just want to get on with their lives.
I took this picture because I spied this visitor after coming home. I’m chasing other cats out from our place now as I don’t want them disturbing the harmony for our two boys.
Cheering on the cheerleaders We’re practising our cheer It’s our team’s turn to rule We are the leaders clear
Inspiring on to further heights We’re living our best days Until complacency at the top Sees a change of ways
No longer on your side You’re slipping down the ladder Only winners get our support There’s no time for being sadder
Who was that team we knew? They’ve disappeared somehow Forgotten heroes of the past Are left to linger now
Today I’m feeling:
I’m happy and looking forward to teaching again. Meeting my students was fun and brought me happiness but I still feel I’m missing something deep down.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the class homeroom teachers who will take care of my students. I know all of them so I think we can work well together to mould the students to my wishes in class. It gives me a bit more confidence at least.
The best thing about today was:
Hanging out with my students again. A lot of them are disappointed that I’m not teaching them much or at all this semester. That was nice to hear but I know they will adjust quickly. I enjoyed being around them so much that I stayed until 2 pm even though I could’ve just gone home at 9 am if I’d wanted to. I met some of my new students too. They mostly seem shy so far. I’m sure that won’t take long to change though.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got my timetable for the semester which threw a few curveballs. Just one one-hour class on Monday which would be great but it starts at 1.30 pm so I have to go to school at 8 am and then hang around for five hours before teaching. I don’t really mind this. It gives me time to read or write or prepare… I can fill the time, no problem.
Something I learned today?
There are rumours that US NGOs paid voters for pro-democracy candidates in this weekend’s election in an effort to influence Thailand away from China and towards the US. Whilst I think this is probably likely I would still hope that a new, younger government will be able to improve the situation for the majority of people in Thailand. There still seems to be a feeling of hope for the future. No doubt there will still be some form of finagling for the military-backed establishment to make sure they maintain power so it could all go to shit in a second so we’ll just have to wait and see. Thai people in general seem quite positive and accepting of their lot. Of course, they all wish it was better. It would be nice to get a sense of optimism for the future here though.
What is a book, movie, or song that has deeply affected me?
Too many to mention but off the top of my head Dostoevsky’s The Dream of a Ridiculous Man and Notes From Underground, Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina for books. Movies – movies seem to have a less deep impact though I enjoy many. There is one in particular though that I wish I could forget. That is certainly one that affected me and not in a good way. As for music, I think that is all about nostalgia. There are many songs that give me goosebumps.
I took this picture because Tigger was looking cute and relaxed on the chair under the table but he sat up before I could get the picture I wanted. I got this instead. What a life for a fat cat! Cap and Tig have been through so much and seem as happy as they’ve ever been.
These relations are an approximation Things are more beautiful when you are on the outside Trusting the seasons more than people Loving the cities, loving the animals I know. I know. I know. Don’t get too close I’m not letting anyone in.
inspired and paraphrased from Broken Summers by Henry Rollins
Today I’m feeling:
(morning)Expectant, anticipating. Winding up with stress. Envisioning feelings and actions of tomorrow. (bedtime)At the moment I’m feeling a bit despondent if I’m honest. I don’t have a clear direction or purpose right now.
Today I’m grateful for:
Receiving a new T-shirt in the mail that I wore for the first time today. It has a new t-shirt smell and feel for the first and only time. After the first wash that will be gone.
The best thing about today was:
Meeting a lovely little kitten when I was picking up lunch. Reminded me a lot of when we first got Kim Chi. I felt an excitement from the unconditional affection it gave me. I thought about what it would be like if I took this kitten home right now and it made me a little sad because I don’t want to lose and replace my memories of Kim. I know I will lose them one day and maybe that will be a better time to think about new additions to the family.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Amy made another quip about my not knowing enough Thai when I told her about the aircon people. She said ‘How am I going to survive in Thailand if I don’t communicate more?’ though I’ve been here by myself for most of 18 months and during most of that time she’s talked about us staying in Australia which doesn’t inspire me so much to want to struggle more with learning the language. I felt frustrated and a little disconsolate. Maybe I should go and find some intensive course to study next April, somewhere in the south where I can avoid the air pollution for a while.
Something I learned today?
I saw some Google AI updates for Gmail that looked useful though it would’ve been more useful to me about 20 years ago. I don’t use email so much these days.
What is the weather like right now?
Cooler and cloudy. Low clouds making the mountains pretty. There’s sun over there somewhere as it’s hitting sections of the mountain lighting them up in a peculiar fashion as the cooler cloud sits above.
I took this picture because I made a new friend at lunchtime.
Stuck in traffic going home I’m busier than a bee I’ve got no real friends to phone To hear my annoying plea My girlfriend or my shoes? Everything is a problem to me I got everything to lose And that’s all that I can see Running round in circles Is this all I’ll ever be? Searching for the exit sign Will you come and set me free?
Today I’m feeling:
A little inspired. My brain is gearing up slowly. A slow start off the grid but preparing to hit cruise speed as quickly as I can.
Today I’m grateful for:
Can I say coffee again? Art mixed a blend for me this morning that was delicious and smooth. So good that I stayed for three cups. But I can’t always be putting coffee here so let’s be thankful for my back door, of which a big chunk of wood came off today. Pounded by intense sunshine, wild variations in temperature and cold mountain rain it was only a matter of time until it would start disintegrating. We have a screen door so no critters can get it thankfully.
The best thing about today was:
Watching a little lizard in my living room suddenly run out from behind the tv cabinet with its head held up. It was looking at the wall and an ant appeared from behind the curtain. After a second of stalking the ant was in its mouth and it dashed off to safety behind the cabinet again to enjoy its meal. This is a lizard house and without them, it would be an ant house.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Today the aircon repair people called me but they couldn’t speak any English and my Thai wasn’t good enough but I did understand enough to hear ‘add LINE’ and I said ok. I put their phone number into LINE and their profile came up but when I clicked ‘add’ it said the account had been deleted. Thankfully it’s cooler today and there seems to be enough cool air coming through to keep the bedroom at a good temperature. I haven’t had the air on in the living room today as it has been just cool enough….but only just.
Something I learned today?
I watched a Jerry Grey video about the Chinese ‘police stations’ supposedly around the world and all roads lead back to a Swedish guy who was deported from China (I forget the reason ) who has a grudge. The alleged ‘police stations’ are nothing more than administration offices offering services to Chinese citizens who need documents processed to save them from having to return to China to do it and all the people working in them are not diplomats so they don’t have immunity to local laws. Two people were arrested in New York and as Jerry says it is likely that no crimes will be found to have been committed but there will be no reactions or apologies ever offered and either way it’s just another small piece of propaganda on top of a huge fucking pile that has been building for years.
What’s on my mind right now?
I’m feeling a nervous excitement for the new semester and meeting new students. In some ways, I’m glad that the main classes I taught last year I will only see briefly this semester. I loved them all dearly but they sure did exhaust me testing my patience. I’m wondering if I can disconnect myself a little from my students this year. Connecting in such a way has upsides and downsides. It fills up a reciprocal affection that warms the heart yet devastates at the end of each semester when everyone goes their separate ways.
I took this picture because this tree is fully in bloom again. It seems like only a couple of months ago it was blooming. The tropics are wild.
7th June 2023 – All the flowers in this picture dropped again but now another new lot is blooming. Weird.
A bit more upbeat and lively today. I ended up having a reasonable sleep last night though woke up before my alarm. A quick workout and a cold shower got me going and I ended up at House preparing lessons for about three hours without feeling tired or bored.
Today I’m grateful for:
Eventually realising I could take the covers off the sofa cushions that have cat spray on them and I was able to wash them. Why didn’t I realise this before!?
The best thing about today was:
Getting in the zone whilst putting together lessons this morning at House. I ended up drinking three coffees whilst I was there. I’m starting to look forward to being back in the classroom.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I didn’t manage to finish writing this on Friday as I got distracted by reading comics instead. I’m handling it by updating here on Saturday morning. Some days are tough to write. Somehow the feeling is that nothing is important. Everything is just time wasted until it’s your turn to die. Yet still I strive. Because not all days feel like that. I sometimes envy happy people, funny people, warm inviting people. But it’s impossible for me to put on the act that would be required for me to be like that. I try to be sincere and true to myself. I want my brain to tell me I’m happy. Sometimes it works.
Something I learned today?
I saw a preliminary student list and thankfully most of the classes will have fewer students than last year and my M4 class (15/16-year-olds) only has 16 and 14 of them are girls. That class is looking like it will be a breeze.
7th June 2023 – I just finished a lesson with this class, which now only has 15 students as one boy left. It is indeed a breeze even though there are only two students with reasonable English. The rest are mature enough not to fuck it for everyone and they struggle through.
What was a small detail I noticed today?
I ate a tube of Pringles today and as neared the end I thought that I could use the tube to make a little birdhouse by cutting a hole in it. There are birds nesting everywhere around our house and there’s a spot between the panels and the roof I can put the tube and see if they go inside. They already have a bit of a messy nest up there and it would be fun to see if they adopt themselves into this new home.
7th June 2023 – They haven’t used it so far, preferring their mess of dried grass instead.
I took this picture because this is the school cat, Garfield. Almost the spitting image of little Kim and has a similar carefree attitude.
A roll of the dice With a careful nudge Generals in sync Will refuse to budge The game of Risk Is a risky game Must be ensured It’s played the same Rules are manufactured Out of thin air Top of the pecking order Keeps the lion’s share Disorder is maintained To keep challenges at bay If you want to win the game It must be played this way
Today I’m feeling:
Cautious. A little dizzy. Not unhappy or negative but not quite right. At only 11 am, I’m feeling tired and sleepy already.
Today I’m grateful for:
A new deodoriser I found at HomePro that seems to work quite well. There’s a bad cat pee smell on the sofa though I can’t find exactly where so I’m going through spraying the deodoriser on the sofa bit by bit.
The best thing about today was:
Being able to look out of my window and see the mountains clearly again across the rice fields. It makes me feel more connected to the world.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Despite trying to fight it I napped/lucid-dreamed through listening to a Black Midi CD. Thankfully it wasn’t long enough to stop me from getting into bed before 9 pm. I think my general lack of motivation and enthusiasm is going around in ever-decreasing circles with my tiredness.
Something I learned today?
I found out that Earn at House will leave on Saturday to go and study at a university in Bangkok. Her English is pretty good and though she’s not shy, she’s also not chatty. A little like myself I think.
What are some words that best describe my personality?
Yes, I can suffer symptoms of depression and be happy at the same time. And I also feel that though I’m a little unimpressed and uninspired at the moment I’m also a little optimistic along with it.
I took this picture because this year we may end up with enough lychees to eat, rather than the insects or birds getting them all.
Under the waterline Is where dignity remains Invisible to others The pleasure and the pains
Behind the smile Is where the psyche trains Inside the mind Words to the self explains
Not all thunder Brings along the rains Under the waterline Are made the unseen gains
Today I’m feeling:
Slept well last night and feel ok today though not particularly motivated. I’m hoping that will return next week when the kids are back at school.
Today I’m grateful for:
7-11 food. Although I’m a little negative about 7-11 because there are way too many stores nearby I’m glad that they at least give me an alternative for a quick microwave meal that can stave off my hunger.
The best thing about today was:
Dropping by to see Bruno and Nut and being offered lunch. It was good to catch up with them though they were hungover from a long day of drinking yesterday. They were feeling a bit slow and I didn’t really have much to update them with so I didn’t stay for too long. It made me realise that I’m not used to communicating after five weeks being mostly at home by myself. I know my mood will lift once I see my students again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
On Telegram today I got a notification that my old colleague at the cafe in Woolworths, Joy had just joined so I sent a message saying hello. I got a reply but it seems like it’s not her and I got an angry message asking if I was a scammer. It got me thinking that we have years and years of old contact numbers kept in our phones and computers that many people will have gotten new numbers and then after a few years those old numbers get recycled. What feels like a strange world that we live in will just feel normal to the younger generations and then one day they will get to feel like this too.
Something I learned today
I started with the Thai app again mainly just to busy my brain. I also want to try and do a little more meditation again so registered again with Smiling Mind.
What is something I wish I had known when I was younger?
Everything, obviously. There’s no point wishing for something that can’t happen.
This is my cartoon face. Or more precisely, a younger me’s cartoon face. I’ll do a current one soon.
1994ever 