Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Trouble At The Freezer – 2nd January 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The ice cream
Was delicious
I ate it all
While you were out

Don’t be angry
Your loss is minor
And I know
You love my tummy

Despite your upset
We both know
It will
Happen again

You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecendented in the history of the world, bu then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.

James Baldwin

Today I’m feeling:

Happy, relaxed and somewhat renewed energy. I’m wondering if that’s because Amy is leaving again this week? I’ve found it more difficult to do the things I usually do when she’s not here (playing guitar, reading, listening to music ) and maybe I slipped into some lethargy and laziness, instead just watching videos online. It does feel more physiological though but I guess it’s all connected.
Today I’m grateful for:
Anton Chekov’s short story ‘Ward No. 6’. I read it this morning after my coffee and it wowed me a lot and made me question certain things. One paragraph, in particular, resonated deeply as often happens when writing reminds you of your own life. I will reread this one again.

The best thing about today was:

The ease of showering Tigger. Amy and I were both surprised at how compliant he was to get covered in soapy water. He wasn’t happy but we didn’t get cut to bits as we thought might happen. Thankfully the vet had managed to cut his nails yesterday too. Tigger feels softer again and the rough skin is clearing up too. Of course, after showering and then drying him, which takes the most time, he went into the sun and started rolling around in the dirt again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy got a little grumpy with me today when I’d forgotten to give Tigger his medicine after dinner. I called him and he came in from outside. I gave him some more food but then Amy dropped something that crashed to the floor frightening him and he ran off before I could give the medicine. I chased after him but he ran outside and into the darkness where he is impossible to see. I came back in knowing that he’d come back in before I went to bed but Amy was still complaining – to herself, in Thai, thankfully – so I just ignored it and about 15 minutes later he came back in of his own accord and I was able to nab him and give him the pill.

Something I learned today?

I’d forgotten to search Antioch Arrow until now and can’t find any meaning behind the band name though I didn’t dig too deeply.
I did learn that Hayden has applied for another job, this time cleaning. I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s never been the cleanest person but, like myself, I’m sure he’d be more inclined to better clean for other people when getting paid for it.
I know I learned other bits and pieces today but it’s a struggle to recall things. I want to be more present when learning something so I can recall things better. Or perhaps it’s that most information is just useless knowledge and hence easy to forget.

What daily habit will help you feel healthier, fitter, and more alive?

I’m old enough to know these things by now. But knowing them is different to doing them. Back on the horse tomorrow, so to speak.

Art took this picture because every day he posts a picture to promote Utopia as being open. I end up in them about once every 6 weeks. This one is really nice though with the morning sun coming through the window.

The Year Of Truth – 1st January 2023

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Is this the year that truth may be heard
Instead of a story being sold?
Is everyone prepared to stand by their word
In order that the truth may be told?

If you are not happy it’s your own fault.

Ivan Alexyevitch, A Happy Man by Anton Checkov

This is how it will be from now. As the last year ended with death, so the next has begun. Amy’s high school friend Nan’s dad died suddenly at 3am this morning.

As I saw children, teenagers and uni students’ energy from their night’s cavorts I want to warn them to enjoy life when they can but also to start preparing for this time. I never thought I would see this age but I’m glad I have and now I must suffer its death and decrepitude.

So, beautiful children, whether you are ready or not, it’s coming.

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and relaxed

Today I’m grateful for:

The people at Dasa Books in Bangkok for allowing me a few days’ grace with ordering books as I wait to get paid. I’m finding lots of interesting bits and pieces and look forward to reading more this year.

The best thing about today was:

Playing with the two little kids in the restaurant at lunchtime. They were super cute and engaging and entertained the other customers and the kid’s parents who were the owners. As it was a buffet Amy and her mum and dad could stay longer and eat drink and talk more. Everyone was happy with clown Shaun, the child carer.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Almost everything got disrupted today. We took Tigger to get a shower at the professionals but twenty minutes later they called us to come and get him because they were scared Tigger would bite them. Never mind. Amy wanted to try and clean him straight away but I said no cos I know how much trouble it’s going to be and soon we were supposed to be going out for lunch with Amy’s mum and dad. We were still waiting at midday so Amy called her mum and found out her dad was sleeping. We were getting hungry and told them to hurry up. Finally, they came and we went to the restaurant and Amy and her dad got drunk. Amy had planned an evening out but that was cancelled after Nan’s father passed away last night so instead we were off to the first night of the funeral. Even that, finishing quite quickly I was hopeful to be home in good time but Amy wanted to eat again so we’re here now at a khao tom restaurant. But I feel fine with everything, able to go with the flow much easier than before. And driving home felt smooth and relaxing like I was manipulating a video game. I wonder what it is that made this day ok for me but others not so much. Enough water, something I ate, enough sleep or the cool weather? I wish I knew.

Something I learned today?

From watching the Little Chinese Everywhere YouTube channel I followed Yan to Antakya in Turkey and learned that the people there (like anywhere I guess) are curious and friendly. There was French and Syrian influence as well as a mix of religions and so it was I learned that this city used to be called Antioch. Perhaps tomorrow I will learn what the Antioch Arrow was…?

What goal would you like to accomplish this year?

I’d like to recover my fitness and still get to 75kg this year. Having covid seems to have set me back on this in 2022… or I’m using that as an excuse. I think I’m getting a little less tired now though it seems to catch up with me by the end of each week. I hope to push on through again, get back into the routine and exercise habit again.

Amy took this picture because I asked her to and also because it’s not easy for me to see what these tattoos look like. Anyway, the idea was to post a picture on the Nomeansno Facebook group but my post was declined because I don’t have a picture in my user id. I haven’t had one for a couple of years now since cutting back on using FB and I do understand the reason the group rules require users to have pictures but still I was looking forward to showing off. Haha. I also realised that this tattoo is now ten years old already. I also wanted this picture because I’m considering getting the dancing punk covered up with the cover art from the Birthday Party’s Junkyard and wanted to see how feasible it might be. Also, if it is what I actually want.

She’s An Egg – 31st December 2022

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She’s an egg, putting on a face
A tough nut, that’s a fact
She needs some love and kindness
Or she’s bound to end up cracked

She’s an egg amongst many others
One mistake may lead to ruin
When the shell starts to break open
She may be her own undoing

She’s an egg, hidden away inside
Soft and so easy to rot
Let some air in to breathe
Before she gets herself forgot

A nation of lazy contemplative men would be incapable of fighting a war unless their very laziness were attacked. Wars are the activities of busy-ness.

John Steinbeck

Today I’m feeling:
Gurgling guts, sore tummy and tired from lack of sleep, though it’s not getting me down. Just write off the day catching up with videos I’ve wanted to watch.
Today I’m grateful for:
The carbon pills and electrolyte powder to help settle my stomach. These are a standard in every Thai household first aid kit. Bad guts and diarrhoea are pretty common here.
The best thing about today was:
Buying new socks. Some days it’s the simple things.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My ass was out of control today and I handled it by being lazy and lethargic and being close to the toilet in case of an emergency. Shit happens.
Something I learned today?
Thailand imports trash especially since China banned importation in 2017 but since it has such difficulty dealing with it will slowly phase out bringing in more by 2025. That’s the plan but I can foresee things getting in the way of that target.
What’s your New Year’s Resolution or goal?
I haven’t done new year’s resolutions for many years, discovering how difficult they are to maintain. Why choose this date? If you’ve failed with them by the end of January maybe you feel bad for the rest of the year or just wait til the next new year to start again. I’ve had more success with just starting things at times that felt right or were appropriate. I also never beat myself up if these things get derailed and just do my best to get back on track.

I took this picture because this is some awesome Lardna at a restaurant Amy took me to for lunch. I have a dodgy stomach today so couldn’t coat it with all the condiments I would’ve liked but it still tasted great. I don’t usually take food pictures and this is a relatively normal picture but it was either this or another cat photo!

I asked AI to take the Lardna image and make it into a manga image – hence the featured (yet unrelated otherwise!) manga picture.

Princess Unknown – 30th December 2022

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She made me dream
She made me wonder
She made me feel
I’m nearing six feet under

And she didn’t do anything
She just simply needed to be
I don’t know who she was
And she certainly didn’t know me

Across the room
She quietly sat
And suddenly
My world no longer flat

She stood up and walked around
And I followed with my stare
I lived a life in ten minutes
Of which she was completely unaware

So I give thanks
Princess unknown
To the thought
That you’ll never be alone

Make sure to live a life complete
My all your dreams come true
And if you never live another day
At least someone remembered you

29th Aug 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – unknown
3rd Dec 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – unknown

I was ashamed of myself when I realised that life was a costume party; and I attended with my real face.

Franz Kafka

Today I’m feeling:
Tired and ok
Today I’m grateful for:
The parking officer at the hotel in the city, who has always been nice and helpful. Amy remembers him from when she was younger and he was always nice even then.
The best thing about today was:
A night out in the city. I haven’t been here all year. It’s different and interesting to see what’s going on even though it doesn’t excite me. The main part of the city is really for tourists and I’m not a tourist anymore.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
My exhaustion from driving yesterday knocked me out until about 5pm, knowing I had to go out for the evening. I just slept and watched tv until then when I finally started to feel normal again. Now I’m giving in to the urge to medicate with alcohol, cocktails are all this old man can manage. I hope tomorrow doesn’t hate me too much.
Something I learned today?
Some new exercises for my aching hips. The pain is getting worse and I just hope I can avoid any major complications by doing some exercises. My neck has improved somewhat since using stretch bands to work my shoulders. Pain just moves around my body from one place to the next. I need to exercise everything all day if I want to maintain but who’s going to do that?
How do you feel about video games?
I like them but I’m too old for them now. My eyes can’t keep up with the action on the screen. Modern games seem to promote excitement over gameplay which is not so interesting to me. I got into video games during their introduction and watched their early evolution carefully. If I was a kid today I’m sure I’d be sucked into them. Real life is a video game.

I took this picture because I’m here with Amy for a night out and the guy in black I’d like to see break out into some D Boon licks and bouncing around the stage. But I’m afraid Chiang Rai isn’t ready for that.

Up In Smoke – 29th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

How to fill the hole in that space?
The emptiness in the halls
When reminded every day
By the pictures on the walls?
Your smell permeates the air
Your shoes still outside the door
Waiting for some other soul
Because you don’t need them anymore
As your clothes hang in the cupboard
Unbearable, the thought to remove
But one day the burden must lift
Knowing you’d surely approve
Now you’re blown to the wind
But the heart is where you stay
Bittersweet what time is left
Until I join you again one day

Educate the children and it won’t be neccesary to punish the men.

Pythagoras

Today I’m feeling:
Tired and sleepy
Today I’m grateful for:
Shitty 7/11 coffee to fuel my drive to Lampang. No decent coffee today but that will make tomorrow all the more sweet.
The best thing about today was:
At uncle’s funeral today there was the usual chanting and ceremony but something I hadn’t seen before was a traditional acapella song that sounded almost islander in origin. Mourners gathered around the coffin and with arms around each other in a long chain they swung side to side with the rhythm. It was really quite beautiful.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Almost everything was out of my control today except my thoughts and reactions, which were all positive. Today was a day for other people and I submitted to that.
Something I learned today?
The US military has recruiters in US schools actively targeting the poor and those unable to afford college tuition fees (or their debt). Military personnel, I believe, get free college tuition. That’s pretty crazy!
What are you most proud of in your life?
Coincidentally I just posted a response to a similar question that I wrote a couple of years ago. That was a list of three things I was proud of, which still stands today. Though looking at this question grammatically, I wouldn’t want to have one thing I was most proud of but to be proud of many things. Life is long and deserves many proud moments.

I took this picture because this is where uncle’s body became ash and smoke. This crematorium is bigger than I’ve experienced before. I’m starting to recognise more of the extended family at the funerals I go to. However, the family also dwindles each time.

Baited For The Bite – 28th December 2022

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When the rain pours
Is it angry at man?
The anger addict shouts
At all the clouds he can

Looking for a reason
To again raise his voice
Practice becomes instinct
The anger addicts’ choice

Upset by words written
Baited for the bite
The anger addict screaming
That he is always right

Finally, breath runs out
Wasted time disappeared
No one ever listened
As the anger addict feared

Proved himself correct
With nothing left to say
Quietly, proudly satisfied
Happy in his own way

There is no complete life. There are only fragments. We are born to have nothing, to have it pour through our hands.

James Salter

Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
Dutchie, JubJib, Sheena and Khet for working hard to organise a fun lesson (scavenger hunt in the park opposite the school) for the last one of the year for their class. They even pushed me along to get going with things today. They all learned a lot about organising and planning and how throwing a bunch of people of students into the mix will likely fuck up those plans!
The best thing about today was:
The happy faces of the class when I told them we’d be doing the rest of the class in the park. They didn’t know what to expect but they were surely not disappointed when I told them to put their books away!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As usual, these will be my classes. I think outside of those there wasn’t anything really exciting that got too wacky. In my 2/7 class Gun became particularly annoying and instead of confronting and escalating further I just tried to ignore him and dobbed him in to his homeroom teacher. I like Gun even though he’s crude, rude and lazy but he stops other students from learning and that’s something I can’t accept.
Something I learned today?
I learned that tomorrow I have to wake up at 5 am. I know that other information entered my brain today but it’s shoved somewhere at the back and right now, getting up early is what’s on my mind as I’m laying here in bed wondering when I might actually fall asleep!
Add a photo that makes you smile every time you see it.
Our first king-size mattress. It would be a while before we got a bed. Either way, Amy made claim on her part of the bed immediately.

Nicha took this picture because I was helping her and another student with some reading. Whilst I wasn’t looking she unlocked the photo app and snapped this selfie. I found it a few hours later and cracked up. Nicha’s English is very poor but she is smart and can work out ways to look as if she is able. That’s fine for now but will trip her up in the future. She’s picking up things though. I doubt if English will ever play a big part in her life but I hope she learns that learning is its own reward.

Vienna 180 A.D. – 27th December 2022

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Push the barbarians back
To the river banks
Left alive for one day
To practice giving thanks
Soon ends the reign of one
Another body left vacated
Remembered then forgotten
The future we’re all fated

You can only know the good life if you know yourself. Facts won’t ever help you be happy. Unless that fact is ‘I know who I am.’

Timothy, Musings on Self-Education

Today I’m feeling:
Reasonably happy
Today I’m grateful for:
The vet for checking Tigger and his skin problem. He’s got some fungal skin infection that makes blisters though he doesn’t seem to care about it at all. I’m also grateful I had free time to be able to take him this afternoon and drop Amy at her parents too. Also grateful that on advising that I would have to take Thursday off to go to Lampang got told that there are no classes anyway so it’s not a problem.
The best thing about today was:
Again, helping some of my poorer students with some reading. It makes me happy to see them try and to slowly improve themselves. I could tell that one student, Pin, was particularly happy to complete reading the text after a long struggle.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Waking up in the morning and finding out that Amy’s uncle passed away during the night and that meant changes to our plans which we couldn’t be sure about at that time and would decide during the day. So when I got home Amy said the funeral would be on Thursday and that we will go but I told her that I had to be at school, I had to teach and also I’d taken two days off recently to help with other things so taking another day was gonna be a little bit difficult. Anyway, I sent a message to Kru Mai saying that I would have to go to the funeral in Lampang and I would organise work for the kids to do in my absence. Luckily he replied that Thursday was going to be New Year’s activities and there were no classes anyway so everything was fine. Now I just have to prepare myself for a six-hour round-trip drive on Thursday.
Something I learned today?
Earn didn’t come to school today because she was ‘heartbroken’ over some unrequited love and she had video-called to her friends and I talked with her a little but it was too noisy in the class to understand. Later I talked with her friends and they all said that she is not strong which I found surprising because she comes across as quite independent and strong-willed. I sent her a message to not let her happiness depend on other people and she said she was ok now, was over it and would be back in school tomorrow. The troubles of the heart! Haha, so easily brushed off at this age.
Have you ever had surgery? What for?
Only minor surgery. I had a vasectomy when I was 42 or thereabouts. Then, about seven years ago I’d hurt my elbows from repetitive strain due to making coffee. A specialist recommended taking out a part of the tendon in my wrist, doing some magic with it and then injecting it back into my elbows. I can’t remember the procedure name and I have to say it didn’t really work but I did discover the wonders of tramadol as a post-surgery painkiller. I’d never felt better! My elbows remain an issue and my coffee-making career was done.

I took this picture because Amy had to go and stay at her parent’s house to take care of grandma as her mum and dad went to Lampang because uncle passed away yesterday and they will help arrange things. As well as taking care of grandma she had to walk Leo who is just bursting with energetic excitement he dragged Amy along on his walk. He slobbers and is smelly, I had to change my clothes when I got home.

In This House – 26th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

The open door
Inviting

Fresh air and
Foreigners

(Presents under the
Tree)

Coffee fills this
Place

Two cups then
Go

*format from The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams
Submitted to Writer’s Workshop

Every path is the right path. Anything might have been anything else and had just as much meaning to it.

Tennessee Williams

Today I’m feeling:
Happy, a little tired from noisy classes
Today I’m grateful for:
The salad seller at the market again. Amy told me she would be out for dinner when I got home so I rode off to the market not sure what I would decide to have and this time I went back to the salad which I haven’t had for a while now. It was great.
The best thing about today was:
Having fun in my classes despite the kids being noisy and lazy. I made Nam and Aoi laugh when they sometimes get angry with me pushing them. Goya was loud and hard-working and enjoying things and at the end, Gam happily stayed back to finish her work whilst I played around with Fah who was waiting for her.
In the morning I helped Dena, Nicha and Namkhing individually with some reading and sent the top 4 off to investigate and prepare for our scavenger hunt which we should have on Wednesday if all goes to plan. I think that I’ve got my mind in the right place for these kids now.
I also found out today that we have Friday and Monday off for the new year holiday. Cool!
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
The kids in the morning were particularly noisy so I moved a few of them around which helped for a while. As I was trying to help them with reading and pronunciation most were just talking with each other so I stopped and told them I wouldn’t help them anymore and to record themselves reading the passage. I almost lost it but distracted myself by talking with the top 4 as described above, so at least I still felt useful. Slowly students started to come and ask for my help, realising they should have been listening before. They all did it and did it well enough in the end. There are different ways to get to the destination.
Something I learned today?
Tangmo has got a new friend and decided to bring them here tonight. I thought it was ‘Mo on the terrace but then saw it was a slightly thinner shape and when I went to open the door it ran off. Later I went out to see if it was still around when I thought I saw it in the darkness but then Tangmo ran out to me. I went to get the rope for him and then saw the other dog cautiously nearby. It wouldn’t come close but was curious. I threw the rope for ‘Mo who collected it and then ran out with it, then to chase the new dog up the road and out of sight with the rope flowing behind him from his mouth…probably never to be seen again! The rope, that is. Dopey ‘Mo will be back tomorrow wondering why I have no rope to play with anymore.
What could you let go of, for the sake of harmony?
I’m not sure that I’m holding on to anything these days. I’ve let go of most things that have caused me trouble, often, maybe too often, by avoidance or running away, but now just by forgiveness and forgetting. I don’t make other people’s problems mine anymore.
Sometimes I still hold on to the point that I should be trying to stuff as much information into my student’s heads as possible and whilst that may be suitable for one or two kids it doesn’t lead to harmony in the classroom. So I do usually let that go anyway.

I took this picture because I want to remember the view when leaving home. This house has been more of a home for me than anywhere else but still, it’s hard to appreciate it whilst living here. Homes are often created through nostalgia and the memories of everything that occurred there. One day I may look at this photo and think about all the things that I was part of here, which may as simple as reading in the hammock, eating on the terrace or managing the garden.

Work In Progress – 25th December 2022

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All around is static
A photo reel reflection
I see myself, a boy, a man
Open to inspection

Shadows passing in ceaseless flux
A work in progression
Destruction and evolution
Are the cycles of obsession

Holding onto pain
Until I learned to let it go
Significance is impermanent
As I’ve slowly come to know

People who cannot suffer can never grow up, never discover who they are.

James Baldwin

Today I’m feeling:
Relaxed and average, not up, not down.
Today I’m grateful for:
Our machete, which I seem to blunt every time I use it but it helped me cut through the vines of the passionfruit. Do I need to buy an angle grinder now so that I can sharpen it again? Or perhaps I will go to auntie next door one day and challenge myself to communicate what I need.
The best thing about today was:
Pushing through my desire to sleep and motivate myself to finish pulling down all the passionfruit plants. I thought I would just let it go wild forever but after three months of constant collecting and juicing, then drinking I feel like I’ve had enough passionfruit now! The plant tangles up easily and even a couple of weeks after I chopped it off at the base it was still a pain in the ass to get it down from the frame it was wrapped around.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I got up a little later than usual so by the time I got to Utopia my usual spot was gone and I had to sit on the uncomfortable car seat. That’s ok, sometimes it’s good to see the same part of the world from a different angle (see yesterday). The coffee was good, the book was good. As it was uncomfortable to sit for long I didn’t hang around as long as I usually do so that was kinda good anyway, get home and get on with things.
Something I learned today?
Today I messed around with ChatGPT and then the full Invoke AI, to see what pictures it came up with. I’ll learn a little more about this to see if I can use it to generate images for my blog posts.
Did you celebrate Christmas today? Write about it.
Not particularly. Amy likes to put up a Christmas tree and lights and she gave a gift to Nut and Bruno before we went for a more upmarket-than-normal meal. Amy is getting her eyelashes done and I’m listening to Liars and The Feud at home.

I took this picture because Amy finally got to making her cinnamon buns for Utopia again. They sold out within a couple of hours. Doing this makes her happy though the return on investment, particularly time, is very low.

Young Buds March On Pretty – 24th December 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Why is this time dead?
A month to end the year
When will the winter wane
And snowfalls start to clear?

Eternal hope for spring
Give us one more go
Young buds march on pretty
Running beyond the slow

Why is December dying
And January a start?
Run no more towards the sun
Temper your beating heart

Darkness must fall before we are aware of the majesty of the stars above our heads.

Stefan Zweig

Today I’m feeling:
Tired, dizzy but in an ok mood.
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy’s friends to take her up to Doi Chang overnight for a drunken adventure.
The best thing about today was:
Finding an interesting youtube channel of a Chinese girl travelling from Europe to China. It’s nice to see this kind of video from a non-western perspective.
Another thing was my old student Baitoey sending me a recording of her playing an online kalimba. She played Happy Birthday and wanted me to hear it. That was very nice of her and I appreciated it.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I wasn’t sure when Amy would be coming down from the mountain. She called at 10 am and it seemed like it would be early afternoon but it turned out to be around 6pm and by that time she was drunk already and we had to get through some shopping at Makro. She was in a good happy mood and I just let her be herself and everything was groovy.
Something I learned today?
From watching the youtube mentioned above I got a quick tour around the small Chinese city of Guangde in Anhui and it made me want to go there.
Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.
The tune to We Three Kings as I was just playing it on guitar. It didn’t sound terrible!

I took this picture because this is the view from my afternoon position at Utopia because it’s busier than the morning and my usual table isn’t available. For afternoon coffee I drink a Dirty, a creamy milk with a shot on top, with chocolate shavings.