People aren’t looking for something to read – they’re looking for something they can share with their friends to make it seem like they really care about what’s happening in the world around them.
Nathaniel Malt
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful for our grass-cutting machine which destroys our long grass and my small plants when I’m not careful! If I do a little cutting each day/week, then I can save money on getting a gardener to do it.
15th Aug 2023 – I have become lazy and just let the gardener do it unless it is really out of control and they can’t come for a few days. I’ll cut for about 20 minutes and then give up exhausted!
It cannot be stressed enough that we do not all struggle equally.
David Bauer
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that George finally got off his chest what his problem is with me. It was hurtful but meaningful. It helped me understand more about him as a person.
Been writing so much that all my pens are running out.
Arrived home yesterday feeling good and positive. Unfortunately, Amy wasn’t happy about what happened at school (see yesterday) and blamed it all on me. She thought that I liked hurting myself by continuing to try to talk with George. Perhaps there’s a subconscious element to that but I didn’t feel hurt after reflecting on it. What did not feel good was seeing how it made her feel. I learn slowly and deeply – Amy put doubt back in my mind, whereas I felt strength before. I feel that I can accept that everyone is different but that that feeling is not reciprocated by some. That’s ok too – we can’t expect to get along with everyone. What I must do is go back to basics and consider what I can control and what I can’t. Simple as that.
The more I think about it, the more I’m reminded of my mum and her strength and resolve. Amy asked me if I’m ok without many friends and I am. My friends may not be right here, or be few in number, and I am fine with that. Others are not good with a situation like that, I know. But, like my mum, I am.
Heartbreak is an old friend Let the constant struggle kill you Advice you don’t want to hear Will make your life’s meaning clear
This is a process, not an event Never gain what you wish for Make it clear in your mind There’s no thing for you to find
The poverty that I should be concerned and is the hardest for me, is that of giving up my own plans, ideas, opinions and dreams.
Vivian Warren
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to find the catch for my wallet. It was in the pocket of my purple pants.
We changed our beds around last night – another attempt to try and sleep without fucking up our necks. We flipped the mattresses to the hard side and my neck is pretty good but I woke up often having to switch sides as my down side armlost feeling. I switched a lot, though slept deeply in between.
Got up quickly and worked my legs – which was a little tougher than expected. Felt good afterwards though and threw in a quick meditation which I want to try and do every day again (school days anyway) but may mean getting up at 6 am and not 6.10 am.
Drove to school feeling good and grabbed coffee, listening to the No Means Nothing podcast where hosts analyse Nomeansno songs and it made me realise that they haven’t released an album in almost 20 years and that makes me consider what great music they have made as I still listen to it very often. I can feel more now that they don’t make me as depressed and negative as they used to, so perhaps it was the attitude that I was bringing to it. It made me think about how I have changed.
When I got back to school, George was by himself and I said good morning, to which he mumbled a reply. So I asked him why he doesn’t say good morning to me that set him off. Finally, he’s spat out his feelings, that he wasted his time with a friendship with me and that he has no need to be polite and communicate with me in anyway. He thinks I should be old enough to understand that no one likes me here and I should behave differently. He said he will not be polite with me as it would be fake and he is not fake. I almost choked when I heard that!
To be honest, I mostly just let him talk and just asked him to be polite to me but he continued to refuse. I said he can be polite with everyone else, so why not me? He believes that other teachers’ ‘good morning’s are somehow completely genuine with him. I can see his point of view but I won’t be rude to people, even if I don’t like them – that’s just disrespect.
He is arrogant (towards me at least) and I can feel that it wouldn’t take much for others to get on his wrong side. He’s not happy when people don’t do what he wants. It’s a conditional friendship in his favour, always. It really just confirms what his girlfriend, Bee, told us about him, and how he treated other people before too.
I’m thinking to move up to the Chinese teacher’s room if I’m welcome there – maybe no one likes me there too?
It was pretty exciting at the time all this happened but I didn’t feel upset and went off and had two great classes. Now, I’m in House, drinking coffee and just wanted to get this down. The dreaded Friday afternoon class with 2/10 looms – not sure what I will do with them today, yet. Hooray for the weekend!
Build a wall to keep out the sea And a roof to keep out the rain Stop the sun from getting in And never see the weather again
Freedom means nothing to the agoraphobe We’re either trapped within big or small The measure exists inside our minds And we help to build that wall
The misery that oppresses you lies not in your profession but in yourself!
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful for our big palm trees that provide hours of entertainment as Tangmo loves to play with the old fallen fronds. I don’t know why!
Classes went well this morning, with 2/9 again proving they are awesome and I’m wondering if that is due to the fact that Bruno taught them for 2 or 3 years when they were in primary school. I hope this class continues to get pushed because they are very capable. Whilst there are some bright sparks in the other classes, the dynamic within them is not conducive to learning. It’s a shame for them.
Anyway, I’m feeling good again today. Forced myself out of bed and did a back and shoulder workout in the hope of strengthening support for my neck. I know I shouldn’t lie down to watch TV or lie in bed reading but can’t help myself. Fixing those two things could be all I need. I’ll attempt them when Amy is not here.
Yesterday I got stuck into the termites behind (and in) the washing machine. Their nest is a pain in the ass to clean – basically mud, both dry and wet. As I was cleaning up, it occurred to me that this may be like an iceberg, with a nest much bigger behind the tiny hole in the wall. We ended up pouring a whole bottle of anti-termite powder down that hole – who knows how big it is down there?
Amy suggested we pour some kind of liquid killer down there next and maybe 4 litres won’t be enough. What are the predators of termites – and where are they? I thought the lizards would be enjoying snacking on them but maybe they get through the mud to them. Nature is wonderful. I just wish it wasn’t in my kitchen.
A couple of quotes from Samuel Beckett’s ‘Happy Days’. As I was reading the bizarre scenario of the play I had, perhaps, a false reminiscence of seeing this play on TV when I was young, being intrigued and excited by it. Whether I did or not is beside the point. In my mind, it now happened. I found an old dodgy video online of the play and it is almost exactly as I imagined. I didn’t watch it all as I don’t want to spoil the idea of it in my head. I will watch his other plays that I found though – unless I end up finding the books first.
Can’t be helped, just one of those old things. Another of those old things.
Resigned
Sigh away all of your expectation Lost in your thought of resignation Accepting as a gift, a pleasure Here is now, and made to measure
Ah yes, so little to say, so little to do, and the fear so great, certain days, of finding oneself.
There is so little one can say, one says it all, and no truth in it anywhere.
In My Hole
So little to say, so little to do A mindless curiosity within So afraid of being found out Who am I? What do I bring? Words were spoken that said it all Tho’ not a single truth was divulged Here, in my whole, with my bag I am henceforth forever indulged
I am so happy and grateful for the lip salve to help keep my lips moist. How many people are involved in making and distributing that? Thank you all!
Dark and stormy this morning, slept like a log and didn’t want to get up with my alarm as it was so dark and quiet outside. But I did. Pushed through a workout and felt good. Feel good now with just one class this morning. Hayden called and sounded chipper. He told me he’s off the weed again, which is good and definitely contributes positively to his communication skills. He is talking big ideas and I hope he can follow through and figure things out for himself.
Is there someone who is older than you who makes growing older inspiring to you? Who is your aging idol and why?
Non-specifically, I would say anyone who I see or read about who is still doing whatever the hell they like without concern for whatever is regarded as appropriate. Artists, musicians, creators etc. Could be others just doing what they do, even if quite normal. Someone bound to their belief but not so much that their mind is closed.
Of course, specifically, I would have to say my mother. I watched her grow and change without realising it. Her mind never failed, even whilst her body did. I think I understand she went somewhat against the grain of external expectations and I love that about her. She rarely held me back from trying everything and I was never afraid to tell her about it.
I don’t have that many people around me who are older than me. I’m struggling to think of anyone who is particularly inspiring in their old age. I’m taking in all experiences all the time and moulding them as I see fit.
You said you loved me And wanted me to grow That’s just what I did So that soon I would know You never really believed it Your words were purely fake To make yourself feel superior In the image that you make
The things you can’t control Frustrating you no end Face your rejection, unless To your will, they bend Empty words now revealed You’ve thrown off your disguise Shown for what you really are As your true colour flies
Carry on manipulating Those cast under your spell But it’s a conditional love Where the stress begins to tell Already old before your time One day you’ll walk alone Leaving friends to wonder why Your heart was filled with stone
Most neuroses can be traced to the unhealthy habit of wallowing in the troubles of five billion strangers.
Jubal, A Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to find new workout apps that I can use for my mornings. Slowly starting to exercise more parts of my body.
Good classes this morning and feeling a little more positive. Never much time on a Tuesday though, and I’m rushing a coffee and maybe a little lesson planning. Things are OK. I feel myself consciously counting down the time until Amy leaves, thinking about things that ned to be done before she goes.
The fucking termites are back behind the washing machine again and need to be cleaned out. Maybe tonight.
(Later) I forgot that Amy is having dinner guests tonight so the termites get another day of building. Their nest is halfway up the back of the washing machine!
Tired now at home, no energy to play guitar or potter in my room. I’ll do a little writing and watching TV, happy knowing that tomorrow I’ll only have one class so can spend some time catching up on other things.
A bloodied book lies open On stained sheets A laptop locked from prying eyes A still-warm seat The dank smell of cigarettes Hangs on the curtains A tumbler of gin spices the nose A rusty brown-edged mirror Reflects the world inside No moving pictures Memories remain quiet here A silent overwhelming A sharpened pencil Two elastic bands and a comb Knocked to the floor A story happened here That’s happening no more
If you yearn for power, quickly lay honesty aside, and train yourself in the art of concealing your intentions.
Robert Greene, Daily Laws List
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to have Amy’s old iPhone to learn how to use. It’s been an interesting exercise to switch from Android.
A grey and miserable morning that reminded me of England so much that my eyes ached and an oppressive, ominous feeling came over me. Lots of students missing from my first class so I just played Hot Seat with them instead of starting my normal lesson. It was fun and enjoyable, perhaps showing the kids that their memories aren’t that great.
I still have a negative feeling about the future, school-related. I get the feeling that I won’t be recontracted and perhaps TLC will try to move me again. I don’t know how that would work out, if I’d be interested to go somewhere else now.
Amy was grumpy with me this weekend too and I’m thinking a little about how much money we will spend this year. We have lots and lots of money (relatively) but she is keeping an iron grip on it whilst also planning her time in Australia. These months will be a test for me and despite looking forward to lots of space, I’m not looking forward to having less time.
What has been your favourite age so far, and why? Would you go back to this age if you could?
From 27 years old on I changed my life dramatically and in different ways. My most exciting age was when I was 30-32, when I had some self-confidence and self-belief for a while. An amazing relationship with a smart young woman inspired me so much but didn’t work out in the end and from then I was up and until around the age of 40, when, perhaps, I became almost completely comfortable with myself (again, with some ups and downs). I think 40-45 may have been my favourite age so far then but I don’t want to discount anything from the future. These next five years could be the best ever?
Would I go back to that age? I don’t think so, I don’t think it was my age that had anything to do with it. It was maturity and circumstance. Going back to that age would not be able to replicate those things.
We know it’s fire before walking into it But we walk into it anyway That sweet-talking tongue with those devil words Are the mark of Satan at play
Whilst thinking we’re ready to join the game We’re not ready, yesterday or today Tomorrow is set aside for self-reflection Then to get the hell out of the way
I am so happy and grateful for another relaxing massage yesterday followed by a delicious lunch by a lake with Nut and Bruno
A weekend disappeared (even though it is only Sunday afternoon at this moment). Friday night, I stayed up reading articles and drank one of the bottles of homemade Baileys that Dylan made, which made me feel good without being drunk.
Despite getting home tired, I was just happily keeping myself occupied, my brain engaged and didn’t get into bed until after midnight, yet managed to read a comic or two and then by this time I was both tired and awake. Pretty sure it was around 2 am when I got to sleep and then surprisingly woke up with my alarm at 7.15 and despite trying to snooze on, got out of bed soon after, ready to take on the day!
Amy and I had booked another two-hour massage for 10 am – her taking advantage of it only costing 10 dollars an hour this month, whereas when she will be in Australia next month, it will be at least six times that price. My massage this time was not as painful as last week and I couldn’t tell if it was just that the lady was taking it easy on me or if I just had less tension.
I was also distracted with a thought about giving each of my students a written report for their parents. I’d like to do this but a little paranoid that some parents may take useful information in the wrong way. I’m very conscious of wanting to do everything I can to help the students but becoming more aware that many parents don’t care that much, or, at the opposite end, overreact. I would put everything in a positive light. I don’t need to do this and it would take a fair bit of time but I’m a little concerned that I may not get my contract renewed next semester and want to show the kids and their parents how much I’m trying. A bit of a selfish motivation, mixed with the best of intentions.
So, my massage sped by much quicker this week and then we were off to meet Bruno, Nut and To at a northern cuisine restaurant by a lake. Bruno was in fine form and it’s interesting to me to see him interact with Nut. They have a funny, rib-poking relationship and Nut has quite a reasonable head on her shoulders. Bruno smokes a fair amount of weed and it has the opposite effect on him than it does me, in some ways. I think we got get lost inside our heads but he is also buzzing and talking quickly, perhaps saying everything that comes into his head, whereas I might be just thinking it. Even though their joshing and joking is light-hearted, I do wonder if Nut does take some of these things seriously. I guess I don’t really know them well enough to make a judgment, just to know that I don’t think I talk to Amy in quite such a brisk way.
Anyway, the food was great and conversation flowed until it was time to go off to other things and Amy wanted to do some shopping at Central, which she did whilst I stayed in the car and read a book. The skies had darkened and even though it wasn’t yet five, it felt like nighttime closing in already. So, by the time we were home, I jumped in the shower and got into bed as it looked like nighttime already outside. I wasn’t tired but the feeling was one to snuggle up in.
So I read a ton of comics and it was awesome. I live reading comics. A good comic just takes you away from everything and in such a short time. I think I eventually went to sleep 5 hours later. And, in the night, the rain came. Hard and heavy, quite a surprise for this time of year. Good for the parched ground and the weeds. I had hoped to cut the grass this weekend but will have to delay.
I had to go to school for teachers’ day, which just means sitting around, reading on my phone whilst monks chant and people announce things in Thai. I would guess 90% of the Thais there were just looking at their phones and then taking pictures in places set up to take good pictures in. If there was anything of substance in this event, it escaped me and most everyone else, I’m sure.
The rain had stopped but the sun stayed elusive and I had planned to go dick about in my room but ended up snuggled here in front of the e TV and writing this.
Outstanding achievement award All goals met and all points scored But being the best Separates the rest The nail gets hammered as reward Punished for not playing along Subscribe to strive to belong It’s a constant battle Fighting the cattle A nail stuck is seen as wrong Maintain a smile and never frown No pinks and yellows, only brown If you use your mind You soon will find A nail stood out gets hammered down
The laughter of fools cannot wound the wise.
Judge Death, 2000AD
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to feel pretty good on little sleep this morning. Last night I stayed up until past midnight, reading articles and comics. It felt good.
I got a resolution for you Do little, do less, do nothing Unfocus, unwind, chase nought See what results that will bring
Success is for the losers Stuck forever within the grind Missing out is my success And gives me peace of mind
As you approach the same age as your parents when they had you, you gain great empathy for them, realising that like you, they were just kids trying to figure it all out along the way.
Cole Schafer
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch my students mature and improve their learning. I’m grateful to be part of that journey with them.
Got a little frustrated yesterday afternoon as I ran around getting a blood test and photos taken. The blood test has to be certified by a doctor and only one specific doctor. I wanted to take it there straight away but it doesn’t open until 6.30 pm, by which time I’m usually already at home and far away. I wasn’t going to hang around.
TLC insist that I have everything done by today but only told me about doing this on Tuesday. Never mind being busy with teaching and having to get a slew of documents copied. I don’t know why they can’t be organised enough to advise one month ahead of time. It’s typical Thai style and irritating. If I don’t do it in time, it means I will be penalised and have to pay more for the work permit.
Anyway, last night I just went home and put it to the back of my mind and primed myself to stay in the city for an extra 2 and a half hours waiting for the doctor to open at 6.30.
Last night, I spent time with Ableton and Launchkey and played a bunch of guitar. That was fun and I felt good, watching some TV and reading for a bit. Got to get back to reading Infinite Jest – it’s sitting there like a lead weight. Every time I pick it up to read, I love it but it’s not an easy read and it can feel like a chore.
This morning I was feeling good but my first class didn’t go well. The kids were tired and distracted and I felt like giving up but I stared out of the window and talked myself out of the feeling. It wasn’t too bad by the end and the next class went well, though everyone was a bit subdued there too. One more class…..
I saw the boys of this class playing football in the playground so I decided to join them and bond with them a little more and we had a good ten minutes before class started. It put me in a more active mood and the boys, who are usually a handful, were still playful but did their work, mostly. I leave this class easy work for Friday afternoon because I know they just want to finish and go home or talk with their friends. TFIF, though often these students think the week finishes on Monday morning.
So anyway, a happy end to the day. Now sitting around reading and finishing off a lesson I want to teach about sexual abuse in Thailand. I also want to put together a few new lessons to break up the ones I have now, which are all following a method (which seems to be working) but also feels a little mechanical.
What are some age-related milestones you are looking forward to? Or ones you ‘missed’ and might try to reach later, off schedule, according ot our culture and expectations.
The milestone I’m looking forward to is retirement. That doesn’t mean stopping working, but stopping working for money. It’s age-related but I don’t want to wait until I’m 65. I’d like to do it this year.
What other milestones are there? The decades? Age is just numbers and bodily deterioration! One thing I did hope to do at 50 was to have a big birthday concert with some of my favourite bands playing but as it turned out, I was working night shift in Adelaide and hadn’t been around the music scene for a few years already. It doesn’t matter – I’m not upset about it. At that time, I was working towards bigger things – moving to Thailand. That was what was important.
The big milestone of death I would like to put off as long as possible unless I go senile, though at that time I probably won’t really be thinking about it. I’d like to be fit and fifty-five, sixty with a six pack. I guess those milestones aren’t particularly in our culture though.
1994ever 