Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Conduit – 24th December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

You’re just a filter for fine foods and wine
You get a hold of it and say, “it’s mine”
Consumers of more, you’ve got it all
And it’s lonely at the top of the fall

An empty vessel, a temporary fill
Sieved away and now it’s empty still
If you hold too long it becomes a block
Account your life by taking stock

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my wheat bag and microwave to help me with my aching neck. It’s a comfort more than a help.

Now that the winter solstice has passed, it already feels as if the sun rises much earlier and the weather a degree or two warmer. The inertia of this rolling planet is building into the next storm of heat.

I talked with Amy last night about stopping work again and she joked (maybe) about in ten months, after the new laptop I’ve ordered is paid off. I only actually need the laptop for work. If I weren’t working then the computer I have would be fine. Anyway, I would love to stop working in ten months time – if not sooner!

I would miss the kids so much though and I would definitely miss watching them grow and develop into adults. Whatever they choose to do with their lives.

Tomorrow we will go with Amy’s parents to Singha Park to eat pizza. Maybe I’ll have a beet. That’s my Christmas!

I read an interesting interview yesterday from a blog called Oldster – talking to people about how they feel and deal with getting older. I am thinking about the same kind of things. The questions and the interviewees’ answers were very interesting. I thought I should try and interview myself and answer the questions here.

Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?

I think I really only associate myself with me as am now. Sometimes I remember things I’ve done and they feel like they happened to someone else. Like a movie or a dream.

There are two points in my life that profoundly impacted me and those memories are clear and strong but they feel like they happened to a different version of me (which they did, really). I can’t be that person again or would even want to be but I do feel nostalgic for the pleasant feeling I had during those times, which felt few and far between as they were happening during my teenage years. That is my first age (nostalgic age).

I was a ball of contradictory confusion. I was often miserable and uncertain about anything. Then I was also looking for happiness and was confident in my selfishness. I wouldn’t wish to go through those times again, except with the wisdom I have now.

The other age in my mind is from meeting Bronwyn around 1992 until around 2002. That age was really what I would say built on my foundations of youth. It wasn’t really until I came out of that that I truly discovered who I am. I’m still not always happy with that person but I found acceptance through all my experiences.

So these two stages are really my main growth stages and they stick out to me for that reason. Now, I feel that I am in a constant state of growth and it is not so much defined by a specific time. In my mind, I am still an adventurous 20-year-old as a somewhat wiser 54-year-old.

    The Week That Was – 11th March 1979

    Give Me A.I. – 23rd December 2021

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    Give me A.I., I’ll just be a brain in a box
    Ditch my body for complete neuron unlocks
    A twitching synapse controls my feeding tube
    Lord Elon can come and change my lube
    Devolution of thumbs, no longer required
    Finally, it’s our thoughts to be admired
    Give me A.I. and charge-free flying cars
    Let’s get on the rocket and fuck off to Mars

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful for the technology that means we can video call our friends around the world. It’s a far cry from the dial phones I grew up with.

    Last night, Amy and I had a long video and audio call with Aing in Bangkok. She was down and confused about her future and I learned a little bit about Amy as we talked. About myself too.

    I was conscious of not just putting my ideas forward or just telling what I would do because I can’t really put myself into her situation exactly. Amy and I both listened more than talking, asking questions where appropriate.

    Then Amy gave her some good advice. Aing felt better after this and we will try and help her as much as we can. She is a smart young lady with lots of potential. We would like to see her achieve her dreams rather than going along with what satisfies other people.

    Amy and I talked more about it afterwards and she has a method in this kind of situation, which I didn’t really realise that I was doing too. That is to let the person talk and to listen carefully before offering any advice. Be sympathetic before a solution provider. Amy is very good at this. George too. I am getting better at it and try more these days to put myself in someone else’s shoes as much as possible.

    Sometimes other people’s problems put more perspective into mine. Mine are all in my head. In fact, I would say most problems are just there. I try to put everything into categories of what I can control and what I can’t. That usually leads me to the way to the solution. Controlling my thoughts is the constant practice for the rest of my life.

    The White Torch – 22nd December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 11 Comments

    Like a ray of moonlight through the window
    Sweet words fall like dew drops from petals
    Connected by vapour pulled through the air
    The briefest touch sends hearts spinning

    Pure eyes emanating light, lit large
    Her grace flows forth like a stanza
    This tree in blossom fights against her sorrows
    A brief affection, two bodies made into one

    A love cleansed by tears remains pure
    A single thought makes it so
    The flowers hidden in darkness
    Cannot hide that held in our hearts

    The universe trembles to this sweet music
    This delicious dance felt for the first time
    Love and fear fills the heart with joy
    The obstacles of doubt surmounted
    – Every minute now, a year of love

    Mangled from the titular chapter of The Broken Wings by Khalil Gibran and inspired by the attached picture of an old student of mine. I read this chapter and saw the picture on the same day and combined, they both took me back to enjoy that soft sick feeling in the stomach and chest of teenage love.

    3rd Mar 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Colour Challenge
    16th Aug 2024 – Submitted to dVerse OLN

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful that from today the daylight hours will get longer again. I say this as I saw the sun appear above the mountain this morning filling the sky with its orange light.

    I’m anxious and overthinking again at the moment. I need to overcome this feeling somehow. Yesterday I talked with Champ and I could feel he understood my frustrations with school but it became obvious that if anything happens down the line, such as more complaints from the parents, then he will not support me. Not necessarily by choice but just to protect himself. This is kinda disappointing really but I guess it shows me where I stand.

    I think I’ll make some changes with some small things in my life again to give me back more of a feeling of control again. I feel not strong enough to support my own beliefs, not arrogant enough to feel superior, not flexible enough to bend to the will of others.

    The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.

    There’s something to be said for thoughtless manual labour. Weak. Time feels like it’s running away but it’s not real – why am I insisting on making it real? Is this my midlife crisis? Gotta self-talk my way out of it.

    In The RV – 21st December 2021

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    The power’s gone out
    And there’s snow on the roof
    So begins the test
    If you are living in truth
    There’s no heat now
    Time for another sweater
    “The sacrifices are severe
    But the rewards are even better”

    Inspired and quoted by interviews with Christmas tree sellers in New York at the Cafe Anne newsletter
    11th Nov 2024 – Shared with Word of the Day Challenge – sweater

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful to see the almost full moon on one side of the sky this morning, followed by a red sun rising over the mountains on the other side of the sky.

    I didn’t sleep well on the 19th (Fui told me there was an earthquake and that may have woken me up.) and skipped school, not that I would’ve had much to do anyway with kids at home. Still, a couple of them sent me their work, which made me happy.

    I spent most of the day reading comics in bed, which was excellent!

    In the afternoon, I dropped over to Bruno’s and we went off for a good walk that took me over 10,000 steps for the day and I felt pretty good after that. I unloaded a lot of complaining on Bruno. He knows and understands the kind of things I’m going through with school. He listened sympathetically whilst we took a trip around the hilltop village near where Laetitia used to live.

    I would like to do more walking, especially in these cooler days but my dodgy feet are holding me back. I should go and get them checked out at the hospital – see if the insurance gives me any cover for that.

    25th Sep 2025 – I still haven’t done this!

    I was pretty down at the weekend. Post alcohol malaise, I think, and I’m a little worried about when Amy is not here. She helps keep me steady and motivated at times like these.

    I’m sitting in House at the moment and feeling a little anxiety as there are many things I want to do and I feel like I’m rushing things. Not teaching the kids online (and just assigning work to complete) has definitely made me busier as I spend more time following up on them. Oh well, I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Time to make calls for my next class.

    Carrying The Pain Of The World – 20th December 2021

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    The more you learn about life
    And the wiser that you get
    There’s more responsibility
    In carrying the pain that is met

    This is love, the sacrifice
    The willingness to forgive and forget
    If this lesson is never learned
    A life is lived full of regret

    Inspired and quoted by interviews with Christmas tree sellers in New York at the Cafe Anne newsletter

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful for this sneaky day off work and being able to read a stack of comics in my free time. My mind is taken to so many different places when I read.

    Some Days – 19th December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

    Some days are shit, that’s the way it’s gotta be
    How you gonna know if good is all you see?
    In the end, there just can’t be another way
    Some days are shit and that includes today

    I enjoyed the whisky last night but the write-off for today just isn’t worth it. I feel slow, sluggish and depressed. I don’t feel like going to school tomorrow but I should be all right by then. Just have to talk myself around.

    Born Ready – 18th December 2021

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    It’s all about the effort, you gotta believe
    That’s what success is, not what you achieve
    To be in control is to be steady
    To become the best, realise you were born ready

    Tell yourself, repeat, don’t be lazy
    If you put 100% you cannot be crazy
    Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
    Success is defined by the action you choose

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful for the passionfruit I can see outside, on the ground, waiting for me to pick it up and scoop out its insides and drink its delicious juice.

    Yesterday I ran out of energy. My last class was restless so we got through it double quick and the boys all left and the girls all cleaned the classroom, which made me sad and upset.

    I ate lunch and read in the teachers’ room until George came in, making noise and encouraging everyone to eat more than they wanted, ordering Dylan and others around and wanting everyone to join in playing Kahoot. It’s sometimes difficult to see if everyone does it to humour him and not upset him or if they find him really inspiring and friendly. I find it all insincere and manipulative, as you can probably tell.

    Anyway, it was obvious I had to get out of his way for them to play so I went out to the other room. During all this, I just flagged and though I’d planned to go meet Bruno, I cancelled and headed home and was in bed before 8 and asleep by 9.30!

    I didn’t feel too bad in the morning today but couldn’t force myself to exercise and settled for coffee instead.

    I’d missed a call from Ellen yesterday and she sent me a message this morning that she was thinking of killing herself! I called her and talked with her for half an hour. She’s having some tough times and I hoped I could give her some positive encouragement. I told her we should talk again each Saturday (just so I can check in with her).

    She’s still looking for people to teach for her, which I’m too busy for now but I don’t really know anyone. Even foreign teachers at school, I wouldn’t want to recommend to her in case she gets fucked around by them. I hope she’ll be ok.

    Today, I flagged again around 3pm. Amy and I had been running around preparing for next weekend’s party at her parents. We stopped in a cafe on the way back and as we drank our drinks, we both stopped talking and subconsciously realised it was time to head home and take a nap.

    I got sucked in by the Khalil Gibran story I was reading, ‘Khalil The Heretic’ and then ended up reading comics until just before sunset. Better for a good sleep tonight anyway.

    I’ll go feed the cats and feel like watching a movie, maybe a few sips of whiskey.

    You Gotta Show Up – 17th December 2021

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    A boring meditation of repetitious boredom
    A distant goal but no one to score them
    Successful or not, you just gotta show up
    Sisyphus is happy and never gonna stop

    10th Oct 2024 – Shared with Ragtag Daily Prompt – distant

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful to snooze my alarm this cold morning. I slept deeply but woke up feeling uncomfortable so I ended up with not enough good sleep.

    Oh, new pen, I love you! But I grabbed the last one available. I hope that they restock them. This pen is called Energel Metal Tip 0.7. It’s cheap, made in Japan. The flow is nice on this paper and it’s comfortable enough in my fingers.

    I was tired again this morning and snoozed. It was cold too so staying in bed longer was too appealing to overcome.

    I did some sit-ups last night. Something that I want to add to my daily routine. I have to do them by hooking my feet under the lounge in Kim Chi’s room because I don’t have the muscles yet to pull my body weight up completely. But hopefully that happens at some point in the future. There are some things my body just cannot do.

    As I was driving home yesterday, Amy called and asked to pick up some ice so I took the turn off to go to the auntie store at the back of our house. As I approached, there is a vacant block just before the store. In the corner, near the edge of the road, is a spirit house and I saw a guy standing, facing it. As I got closer, he turned to look at me. He was wearing a trilby-style hat and a big, fluffy coat that came down to his waist. His face looked brutish, with a rough beard. He was built like a Samoan rugby player.

    The weird thing, though, was that he wasn’t wearing anything else – completely naked from the bottom down, his butt cheeks shining out to the road and the world, his skinny legs stuck, thankfully, as he swivelled his torso to eye me. I didn’t catch it and quickly drove past.

    As I got out of the car at the store, he was still standing there, facing the spirit house. Some weird ritual? More likely, good drugs. I got the ice and got the hell out of there before he decided it was time to come and say hello. Welcome to Ban Huai Phlu!

    A Good Witch – 16th December 2021

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    What power does a good witch wield
    And how can it be so?
    The power to limit jackassery
    Using that golden word – No!

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful for the coffee shop next to school where I can go and work quietly when I don’t have the car to go off elsewhere.

    Quick one today. I gotta pee and I gotta go buy some bits and pieces.

    Reasonable classes today and I enjoyed the students a lot. A little bit of effort from them will bring them a reward. A happy teacher will make a happy student.

    I started the final 30-day abs workout. Already, it’s hard! But I’m gonna do it.

    This pen is running out. That’s two pens in two days. Something else to buy.

    New Wind – 15th December 2021

    ~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

    I let the spiders in through the tiny cracks
    Their wicked whispers leave deadly tracks
    A background chatter of ropes and pills
    Terrible solutions that may cure my ills

    I must welcome the birds and breeze
    A new wind to put my mind at ease
    Open the doors to let the sunshine in
    And live life with the shadows the light will bring

    Gratitude Journal

    I am so happy and grateful to play badminton with Amy yesterday in the driveway. We had to lock out Tangmo because the day before he chewed on the shuttlecock.

    I was looking forward to only having one class today, catching up with a few things, sitting drinking coffee at House but last night Amy told me she will use the car today so I’m sitting in Le Paradis instead (the school cafe). At least it’s a little better in here than in the teacher’s room and I can be pretty much by myself.

    I also have to go to see the psychiatrist again this afternoon, just to get more medicine. I’m back down to just 50mg sertraline again for now, which seems to be doing me ok. I’m enjoying 37.5mg tramadol every day and generally that just makes me feel fucking awesome. I’m glad you can just buy over the counter here. It’s addictive but it has a powerful effect and I love it! The sertraline stops me being depressed and the tramadol makes me happy and relaxed. If there are any negative effects from this combination, perhaps it’s worth it!

    In my one class today, one of the female students, Kartoon, called me over and she had translated (on her phone) that she wanted to go and change her sanitary napkin. I thought it was cool that she had no fear to share this information without any feeling of shame or fear. Maybe girls are always like this, even when I was their age and, as a boy, I never noticed and, as a boy, I didn’t really understand the concept of periods.

    Anyway, I told her that she didn’t need to explain why she needed to go to the bathroom, that I understood girls have different needs than boys and she understood what I was trying to tell her.