Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

When Old Friends Visit – 18th January 2024

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Thanks for the visit last night
Was there a reason to come?
I wasn’t really doing anything
Perhaps that’s why you came along

And why were you the way you were?
Not quite happy it seemed
We still couldn’t even share a joke
Even in a meeting dreamed

I had to leave quickly
I felt like you were perturbed
I closed the door behind me
And woke up quite disturbed

Typing this one out has given me deja vu. I feel like I may have written something similar about another dream I had. This one though was about the anxiety of meeting an old friend after tens of years and left on bad terms. In this real dream, I had last night, the meeting did not go well

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from a 5.30 am start to start the last day of Grandmum’s funeral. It occurs to me that this (kinda) solemn occasion is a huge stress on the family. There are so many ‘rules’ and traditions that should be followed, to do it the ‘right’ way, that it’s impossible to be perfect.

By the time we got to the crematorium, stress levels were up and it almost felt like forgetting why I was there. That was soon remedied though when the coffin was opened for the family to pour coconut water over the face and body. I turned to see Amy crying and it tore at me as I teared up too as she poured over some water and said goodbye and then I was full of grief again.

At this point though, all the ceremony of the last few days made more sense in my mind.

Today I’m grateful for:

The family again for including me as part of them and not minding too much when I did not know what to do in these circumstances.

The best thing about today was:

The best thing about today will be crawling back into bed and enjoying sleep. Things get back to normal tomorrow but I can’t wait for the weekend already. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Sadly I lost my streak on my Thai study app as I’ve been too busy running around this week. I’ll not beat myself up about it because it doesn’t change the things I’ve learned already. I’m trying to make the learning a little more difficult again to push myself. I’ll get back to it.

The scheduled quiz I set for my class to do this morning didn’t work, which was a little frustrating. Thankfully there was some free time at the ceremony where I could set it up again

Something I learned today?

Assigning work to a class always teaches me who can be responsible for themselves and who will just take advantage. 

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Today I was Amy’s little worker and I obediently did what I was told without complaint, even when we did things that seemed odd to me. In the morning I carried a tray of food to another building where we sat for a few minutes and then walked back to where we started. That tray was heavy after a while but I didn’t complain.

Either we went to that place by mistake or there was something about the food being in that space for a few minutes that gave it some kind of blessing that I’m not privy to. There is a lot of symbolism going on that I don’t understand and would scoff at if I did.

I took this picture because this cutie decided to take a rest at the bottom of the temple stairs.

The Retreat – 17th January 2024

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Shacked up with a slacker
Who said our gold was in the hills
A guitar strapped to his back
To sing of other people’s thrills

The words are spat with bitterness
The war is raging in his head
But anger without direction
Is replaced by apathy instead

The party starts at home
With our disaffected friends
With the battle in our songs
Forgotten when it ends

Stirred into one final action
When the pipe of peace got broke
Understanding that our pain
Is only countered by the smoke

So it was, we came and went
We conquered nothing at all
We disappeared without a trace
Into the bottom of the bowl

Nearer heaven we rested heads
Too tired to take our chance
Extinguished, all those little fires
Where we no longer dance

inspired by ‘The Slacker’ in Zachary Mexico’s book China Underground

Today I’m feeling:

A little better again though still not quite right in the sinuses. Exercise got me going and I felt in a good mood for the whole day.

Today I’m grateful for:

The vegetarian food from Oasis and dessert snacks from the snack shop. Hopefully, there are snack boxes left over again tonight.

The best thing about today was:

Teaching my grade 10 class again. It’s a good feeling to have more mature students who try and want to understand more.

It did get me feeling a little like asking to spread out the classes between the foreign teachers so that not all the juniors are dumped on me and David. I know asking this is going to upset George though as he refuses to teach the younger ones, but it feels a little unfair not to split them more evenly.

I would be less tired at the end of the week and David is always talking of quitting because of the stress of his junior classes. I love those kids but I also value my health.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Another day of going with the flow mostly.

Something I learned today?

As I teach my grade 10s about relationships I’m learning a little about each of them and their personalities. Toon told me she is a people pleaser whilst Milk doesn’t care if a boy is interested in her. They joked that between them they make a balanced human being.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I gave some leftover snacks from last night’s ceremony to some students this morning.

I drove Amy and me home and back to the city to pick up snack boxes and food for tonight’s ceremony.

I took this picture because Tokyo was pretty relaxed. I still have to be very careful with her though. She can bite really quickly and with no apparent provocation.

Click Click – 16th January 2024

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At the flick of the switch
There’s no transformation
Remaining an ape or beast
Change requires dedication
No more time to waste
If you wish the click to clack
When you look at the sun
It’s impossible to put it back

Reflecting on our animal nature
A broken machine needing self-repair
Once burdened by distraction
Soon found themselves made it there
Feed the mind with thought
That keeps on the light
Keep quiet and count the days
When everything became quite right

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more relaxed after an extra hour’s sleep. Today is teachers’ day (apparently) and a day off from school though we are busy again at the temple. At least I got two Utopian coffees to kick off this morning.

I didn’t feel too hot after lunch and though feeling sleepy couldn’t get into a deep nap state.

Today I’m grateful for:

Whoever made the Thai snack boxes for the funeral ceremony tonight. There were enough left over for me to take some home.

The best thing about today was:

Mostly devoting my time to other people, though at the temple I’m not really doing much because I don’t know the etiquette or what is required but as soon as I’m asked I will do what is needed.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

At Utopia this morning I couldn’t stop sneezing! I sneezed about fifty times and Nick and Art were worried about me!

Something I learned today?

The top five wealthiest people in the world doubled their wealth last year! Just in one year. I’m guessing that for many others in the world, they halved their wealth. The miracle of trickle-up economics, or should I say flooding-up?

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I’ve been a good boy again, doing as I’m told at the temple. I kneeled to the boy monk as I handed him pizza for lunch! Good luck boy monk. Stay off your phone.

Driving twice in and out of the city again despite feeling not 100%. Tired by the afternoon and my sinuses feel uncomfortable.

List 3 good things you have now that you didn’t have five years ago.

I thought that this would be difficult as I haven’t really acquired ‘things’ that much but five years is a long time and I acquired one of the biggest things in people’s lives and that is a home.

This time five years ago our house was built but it hadn’t quite been turned into a home, at least as I feel about it now.

I feel comfortable and safe around our house and neighbourhood and inside is Amy’s playground for decorating. If I thought about it more and knew where to buy things easily and cheaply perhaps I would make a home environment that suits me too but I’m also a little lazy to do that. Mine and Amy’s ideas are not that compatible and I’m happy to defer to her in this instance. Actually, I’m happy to defer to her most of the time.

Five years ago I didn’t have a guitar and that cheap instrument has brought me a lot of pleasure since purchase. I don’t think that a better quality guitar will improve my playing that much so I’m happy with what I’ve got.

The last thing I have is a deeper love. My love and connection with my students has grown so much in this time and it fills me with joy. I wonder where all our futures will take us.

As I was messaging with Baipad, who is in her grandmum’s village for ดำหัวผู้ใหญ่, she told me that her mum told her to send me this picture of them in their traditional Lahu dress. 
Fatman report

Nourishment – 15th January 2024

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What does it feel like to function?
Thoughts turned to action
The picture comes alive
An outlaw in this society
We lose life every day
Yet art will always remain
The air and the food
In a world where it’s easy to starve

inspired/borrowed from this post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

A little dizzy still and my sore throat is back, I think from the incense at the temple irritating my throat.

Today I’m grateful for:

This Thai family around me. Not without faults but somehow welcoming and inclusive for this idiot.

The best thing about today was:

I did get an hour of free time this afternoon and got twenty minutes of enjoyable bad guitar practice.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been assigned a task this evening as part of the ceremony though I’m not clear what it is. I was just told to follow the others doing the same thing. I feel like a kid in a school play who doesn’t remember where to stand or exactly what to do and just looks around at everyone else and hopes no one notices.

(Later) Well, it involved some scooting on knees and wai-ing and I hoped didn’t look too out of place as the only white non-Buddhist in the room.

Something I learned today?

This was a couple of days ago but worth mentioning that journalist Gonzalo Lira died in a Ukrainian prison. He was imprisoned for reporting truths about Ukraine’s targeting of civilians in Donetsk both before the US proxy war and in the early stages of it. It’s just another nail in the US imperialist coffin that lies about freedom and democracy.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

In between classes, I came to the temple to support the family and after class, I came to collect Amy before driving us home and then back to the city again to pick up food for Grandmum’s mourners.

August (grade 8) came to my class today sighing that she misses her boyfriend (who broke up with her six months ago). I consoled her but later sent her messages to be strong and independent. She appreciated my words but I could feel she’s not strong enough yet.

August (grade 9) took this picture because she stole my phone out of my pocket whilst I was talking with Kru Ren. This is Sunwa, August and Pat, whose birthday it was today. 15th birthday I guess, though she behaves with a little more maturity than her classmates.

Love Is For The Lucky – 14th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 10 Comments

Peggy asked me to come over
She said she was alone and scared
I remember when we were kids
Dancing like no one cared

Fearless, the world was ours
We thought there was nothing to lose
Great dreams lost in the wrong turns
Sorrows drowned in booze

In her eyes, she cast the blame
Yet knew it was her fault
Slowly learned that accepting less
Could still return a result

Is she only flesh and bones
Waiting for death and forgotten?
Always a need to be needed
Made her miserable and rotten

I held her hand to lead her back
And we did that for a week
But a war was going on
And there was a wider world to seek

Peggy now, did you find your way
Did you see direction through your tears
Did we both realise true love
In the aftermath of those years?

Inspired by this post at John Coyote’s blog

Today I’m feeling:

Better than yesterday but I slept really badly, waking seemingly every 20 minutes or so and feeling either too hot or too cold. When I went out for coffee Noey commented that I looked better today, that yesterday I looked about 60 years old and today I look about 20! I’ll take compliments wherever I can get them.

It felt good to work with Thiban this morning and get the order placed for the High Voltage/Speech Odd split 12”. We were able to get that done before Amy and I headed into the city to see Grandmum and get lunch.

Today I’m grateful for:

A surprise rain last night that did the watering for us and helped clean the air of the layer of smoke descending from the mountains.

The best thing about today was:

Still being alive. Many others didn’t make it today.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy invited me into the room to see her grandmum. I didn’t want to go but felt obliged to. She looks like a skeleton, just bones and motionless except gasping for air. I couldn’t stay.

A minute later, Amy let out a scream and everyone came running. As mum comforts grandmum, saying it’s ok to go, but life wants to hold on. Shallow breath returns but how long can death be put off and is it worth it? There’s nothing to look forward to except another gulp of breath.

Another minute later and she’s gone.  

I don’t know what the etiquette is now or how to help. I feel useless. This once vibrant body is off on its final disintegration and I don’t wish to acknowledge that this is my fate. Everyone’s fate. I feel empty in my stomach.

I don’t cry for grandmum, for Amy or her family. I cry for my own useless self.

Something I learned today?

It seems that the best option for the nomeansno book is to order it on Amazon but as money is short this month it will have to wait.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Of course, today took a turn and I did as Amy instructed without complaint despite still feeling dizzy and tired by around 4pm. Lots of running around picking up things for the temple. This will be the way for tonight and the following three nights before the last prayers and trip to the crematorium.

I took this picture of Grandmum’s photos that we took to the flower shop and will be used alongside the wreaths for her funeral. Her younger self; a beautiful Chinese-looking lady, though I think the Chinese heritage was on the grandfather’s side. The picture on the right was how I knew her. She always offered me food when I saw her. I held her hand when we went out to restaurants or visited the temple, her skin was so soft and smooth that it was hard to believe she was the age she was. She would have been 92 in March. A good run but as I approach my own end it doesn’t seem like it is even close to enough.

Just A Boy – 13th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

She said we can forgive him
Because he is just a boy
As she picked up the bottles
Now empty of their joy

Without a thought or care
For the wider world around
When he needs to be somewhere
He’s nowhere to be found

Anyway, cleaning is for girls
A boy can’t do it well
It’s a privilege to clean the piss
Off the floor where it fell

Dressed in the body of a man
The brain never adapted
The childish mind, a selfish mind
Remains forever distracted

Will he ever become a man?
A real man of her dreams
She’s always doing the best she can
But never enough it seems

So, she sighs, this is her lot
To be a mother of a peer
When she weighs up what’s she got
Just what is she doing here?

Today I’m feeling:

Super tired even after an almost ten-hour sleep. I felt tired around 10 pm last night but was excited to read comics and eventually went to sleep sometime after 11. On waking I still felt dizzy and had a stiff sore neck, both of which are persisting even now as I wait for my first coffee.

Today I’m grateful for:

The kale that Amy has been growing and she threw a handful of it into my lunch of fried rice today.

The best thing about today was:

Reading Roald Dahl’s Boy about his childhood whilst in bed this afternoon and then having a crazy nap.  Woke up feeling tired for the second time today so have done next to nothing.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Doing next to nothing felt out of my control as I lacked motivation and energy. Handled by….doing nothing!

Something I learned today?

I found out that there is a Das Damen reissue of their first record that comes with a bunch of extra tracks.  I will try to find that for sure.  I think I heard that they may be making new music too.  Could be interesting.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Noey was back from her holiday and in catching up she talked about going to Australia and I told her she could talk to Amy for help with going there.

I took this picture because Creme brought these two two-day-old kittens to school as the mother had rejected them. Unfortunately, neither of them made it through the week.

Contrarian Outlaws – 12th January 2024

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Who are we gonna stick it to
When we can’t stick it to the man?
We’d rather choose not to be happy
Because we know that’s what we can

When the world is contented
Where can we direct our rage?
There’s got to be something to fight
Some violence in which to engage

We’re not searching for paradise
Because anger is all we’ve known
We’re the contrarian outlaws
Of the world in which we’ve grown

Today I’m feeling:

A little better than yesterday.  My sore throat has abated somewhat though I feel a little blocked in the nose.  I struggled through the third abs exercise for the week but can feel it having some positive effect on posture and general health.

Today I’m grateful for:

No longer being in the UK.  I watched a video today of someone interviewing people around Glastonbury and despite some ‘characters’ there they mostly seemed paranoid or depressed.  And this was whilst they were commenting how much better than the rest of the country Glastonbury was.

The best thing about today was:

Updating some 1994 entries with STE Bulletin writing which brought back some interesting memories or more preciously, reminded me of things which I had since forgotten. 

I was glad of the phone functionality to be able to scan and convert text through the camera as it saved me a ton of time though still filled up most of my four-hour break.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Two of my annoying students pushed me too far this morning though I didn’t get particularly angry with them.  I did carry through my threat to take points off them in the SchoolBright system though.  One of them was particularly upset when they found out I wasn’t joking but I have had enough of their continual disrespect and disruptions in the class.

Something I learned today?

I came across an advert for a Netflix series of the Three Body Problem.  I can imagine that it may be a travesty compared to the books and the trailer looked interesting but not quite right.  Checking a little more though I found that there had been a Chinese TV series made that actually followed the books well.  Chinese TV series can also seem a little ’not quite right’ too though.

I then found that the first two episodes are free to watch online so I’ll check those out and see if it’s worth searching for the rest.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I tipped the pineapple seller 10 baht which shocked her. She was very grateful and gave me a big smile.

I comforted Nicha who was crying this morning though she wouldn’t say why.  Thankfully, she was happy and dancing by the end of the day.

I took this picture because when I showed Jet the picture that Ploy drew of me she instantly said ‘That’s not you. Wait, I’ll draw you.’ A couple of minutes later she presented me with this!

What You Learned – 11th January 2024

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A mother’s love, so strong and true
The guiding hand was not guiding you
A little Emporer enjoys the spoils
Whilst the princess humbly toils

Slowly the empire will expand
And falls away any guiding hand
Is what you learned enough to rule
The head and heart of a simple fool?

Today I’m feeling:

Unsure.  Last night I could feel an oncoming tickle in my throat, I thought, perhaps from burning garbage smoke in the air.  I slept early and woke up feeling ok but with more of a sore throat.  There are a few sick students again recently, including Baipad and Apple who I see on most mornings. 

Now, mid-way through the day I’m feeling on the edge.  I could either recover and be ok by tomorrow or this will snowball into a full-blown flu or cold.  Trying to stay positive through whatever happens.

Today I’m grateful for:

The almond croissant that Amy bought and we shared today.  I’m not that into them so I wouldn’t usually buy one for myself but I found it sweet and tasty, a good post-dinner dessert this evening.

The best thing about today was:

At the end of my extra class with the grade 10s today I asked 4 of the students if the work was ok and they told me they enjoyed it and it was fun.  I was happy to hear that.  I had fun teaching it too.

Something I learned today?

The shortest war in history was between Britain and Zanzibar on August 27, 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

As normal, I guided a few struggling students through their work and thought perhaps that they needed some extra information that would help them with this in the future.  I think I had an expectation that they already understood this grammar (present simple verbs, positive and negative) but whilst a few knew it, many did not.  I need to make the lesson a little clearer if I decide to use it again.

I took this picture because I’d been asking Ploy, who is now in grade 9, to draw another picture of me as the previous one she did was two years old already. I like it though it is way more handsome than the real me!

Utopia Around The Corner – 10th January 2024

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We should be living in a paradise by now
Yet wrapped in realities that ground our flight
Utopia hides, beyond the hillside brow
Amidst the chaos, in a darkened night

Around the corner, this dream quietly shines
A realm where peace sings a hopeful tune
Utopia beckons and yet this hope reminds
The journey will not be completed soon

In that elusive place, worries disband,
A sanctuary where souls find their rest,
Utopia calls from its promised land,
An oasis waiting, only found in death

Today I’m feeling:

Not too bad considering I woke up wanting to sleep more.  The abs exercises hurt as I was doing them and I can feel all the work that the muscles around the rest of my body had to do because my abs are still weak.  I’m now pretty convinced that my weak abs and connections to the hips are the cause of most of my body stress/weakness, down to my calves and up to my neck.  Slowly slowly.

Today I’m grateful for:

The Downy fabric spray that is trying to counter the smell of cat spray on the sofa and isn’t quite succeeding.

The best thing about today was:

My grade 10 class who were interested in learning, in the topic and discussing it as best as they could in English but mostly in Thai.  Having a keen, attentive class is a joy.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Yesterday I got a message that today was a meeting for the foreign teachers to meet with the director but I sent a message to Kru Tang saying that I had class at that time and she was fine with that.

Later I got an assuming message from Nancy saying that it was a bit sad that I didn’t go and that I felt differently to the team!  FFS!

I told her that I had planned my lessons and that this one was quite important for my students this time and that if it was a different class then it might have been possible.  There was no reply after that.

That has upset me a little but I’m happy knowing that I’m doing the right thing for my students.

Something I learned today?

Today is Nomsen’s birthday.  Every day seems to be someone’s birthday.  Nomsen told me that she turns 14 but I’m not sure if she was counting correctly as another student in the grade above told me it was her 14th birthday today.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I comforted little Nicha who got reprimanded yesterday for having earphones in during class yesterday.  Instead of just being asked to take them out the teacher made a big deal of it and if she gets in any more trouble they’ll kick her out of school.  That seems a bit harsh considering what some of the other kids get up to.  Understandably she was a bit down.

I started my lessons on relationships for the grade 10s as Toon in that class requested it.  I made them Thai translations so that they could understand better the meaning behind the content.  In this case, I found that I wanted their understanding more than just using English.  Toon said she was happy with the lesson, so I’m glad about that too.

Tonaor reminded me that yesterday I told her I would give her a candy today. She caught me just as I was about to leave and I honoured my word, went to the car to get another candy and gave it to her. She was happy.

I took this picture because, for some reason as I approached the hospital to get some medicine, I was impressed by its stature. I’ve been here many times and not thought much about how it looks. Perhaps it was because it was approaching golden hour and the air turns a special colour.

Little Shi – 9th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 8 Comments

Little Shi was making his own plans
Putting his destiny in his own hands
From the fields to the city streets
Amongst the learned he competes

In the trees, he’d monkey around
Exploring the minutiae of life he found
Every little step that he was taking
Expanded the world he was making

And while those around studied well
They learned little that he could tell
He found a different meaning to success
Found his own way to progress

The things his father had been denied
Would not stop this little dragon’s rise
As the littlest kid he stood above
Remaining humble and sharing love

Until to the mountain, he climbed alone
All the horizons became his home

Inspired by a true story in Zachary Mexico’s China Underground
16th Nov 2024 – Shared with Poets and Storytellers United

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and positive though starting to flake a little now it’s lunchtime.  My first class was a little chaotic and frustrating but hopefully the afternoon classes will be more uplifting.

Today I’m grateful for:

Having a bag of candy again that I can gift to random students when I feel like it.  Am I the Candyman?  A little bribery goes a long way.

The best thing about today was:

Being able to control myself when pushed to the edge of my patience several times. 

It helps that I like the kids so much and they make me laugh a lot but sometimes I wish I was just teaching the more mature students.  Sometimes I feel embarrassed for myself, wondering what other teachers might think if they came into the classroom when children are noisy and not paying attention.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I wanted to go to the hospital on the way back home but the traffic was busy and getting out of the hospital with a car now is a pain in the ass since the U-turn has been closed off because everyone was using it to skip the traffic lights.  I was too tired to bother coming back out on the motorbike so will try again tomorrow when I can leave school a little earlier and hopefully, there’s a little less traffic.

Something I learned today?

Jerry Lewis made a controversial film called The Day The Clown Cried in 1972 and it was never released and has been hidden away ever since. 

A couple of years before he died he agreed that it could be released but only after he and those that were critical of the ideas in the movie had probably died too.  So then it was decided to be released in June 2024.  The movie’s story sounds interesting and thought-provoking.  I wonder what it will be like.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

As my grade 8 students were reading the text I gave them I let them try to pronounce the difficult words and gave them positive feedback when they got them right.

I followed up with Paen that she was feeling ok as I didn’t see her on Friday and she didn’t reply to my messages since then.  She said she was sick but I’m not sure if something happened with Praew that has upset her.

I was going to punish Program for being late to class without communicating with me but I decided to show him that that was my intention, but this time I will not punish him though he must remember to let me know why he is going to be late. 

Remember that this is the kid who ended up sitting in my class before doing nothing because he had picked up another student’s bag and lost his own…. I have since noticed that despite his clownish behaviour he is pretty good at English.

Tonaor randomly messaged me for advice about a logo design for her online store, which is the first I’d heard of it but I’m not too surprised. 

Kids of 13 or 14 are getting smart about making money using the internet these days.  I was happily surprised that she asked me for advice though.

This was not in my class but I took this picture as an example of a typical classroom lesson environment. To be fair, everyone had finished their work but there was no sitting quietly reading a book until the bell goes. These are my old grade 7 and 8 students, now in grade 9. There’s Phoom, Chok, Jackie and… fuck, I’ve forgotten the other boy’s name though I can picture his face quite clearly.