Author: shaun tenzenmen

Australasian DIY music specialist and practising poet, amongst other things

Unlovable – 6th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Why did she think she was unlovable?
I know she deserved much better than me
It hurt us both at the time
But the right thing to do to set her free

Then it was I who became unlovable
And I myself chose to believe
Eventually, we both came to realise
It’s only ourselves we deceive

A true story.

Today I’m feeling:

As predicted I had to get up a couple of times in the night as my guts gurgled and my ass burned and I had to skip my usual alarm not getting up for another two-plus hours at around 9.30 am. The grey outside had maintained the same level of brightness that it still seemed early morning. I skipped a shower and went straight for coffee, still wary that caffeine may soon trigger some kind of explosive action from my rear but so far so good.

When I got home I found that our clock had stopped last night and discovered that I had an extra hour and a half of day left. Bonus!

Today I’m grateful for:

Grabbing some soft serve ice cream at the little stall near the market which happens to be next door to where my student Baipad lives. I looked into the shop, which is a hairdresser and saw what must have been Baipad’s little sister running around. She was totally a mini version of Baipad which is saying something as Baipad is already short. She looked super cute.

Anyway, the ice cream was yummy.

The best thing about today was:

The grey skies never lifted for the whole day and rain is forecast 100% for the next eight days too. So it’s difficult to say what might have been the best thing today beyond such usual things as reading books and reading comics. That’s OK. It wasn’t a bad day by any means.

Oh, I just remembered I spent a couple of hours watching the football this morning too. That was pretty good as we won in a tight game with the Giants. With three games left, there is still a slim chance we can make the finals but it means winning every game and other results going our way.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Weather-inspired lethargy set in early. I just went with it.

Something I learned today?

China’s natural gas and oil reserves are deeper than other countries forcing them to drill the deepest holes ever and pushing their technological advancement at the same time.

What are three small victories I’ve achieved lately?

I’d somehow like to think that I have won over at least three lazy naughty students recently but should probably only count that as one.

I’m struggling to think of things I might consider victories. Life might be a battle but moving forward doesn’t feel like victory it just feels normal. Perhaps as a good life should.

Slow improvements to learning Thai and playing guitar don’t feel like victories because that’s the natural outcome of practice.

Victory also feels like it implies that there is a loser too.

Are there three losses that I’ve accepted recently? I don’t think so.

Rista took this picture last week because she wanted to see the camera quality on my new phone. This is her and Namkhing, who everyone seems to love. Her English is very poor but she will happily try when I push her which is a positive as far as I’m concerned. Perhaps this is part of her personality which others find attractive.
Posting this picture as, unsurprisingly, I didn’t take any today. With the forecast, I’m wondering when I might take more again.

Desserts – 5th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Making pain beautiful
A fetish the mirror reflects
Aestheticised agony
The image that projects

Decorated with poetry
And kept like a secret
It’s cool and mysterious
And you get to keep it

Please fall in love and fix
Worthy of attention
Look at the beautiful mess
Deserving of affection

inspired by musings at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Although I wanted to enjoy sleeping longer I got up and out for coffee. Amy had called during the night, though I couldn’t quite get what was happening. She was at the nightclub and I knew she could take care of herself. She hadn’t made it home but ended up calling and was staying at Aor’s house after some mini escapades. All was well though. Still feeling positive after yesterday.

Today I’m grateful for:

Sichuan hotspot. A new Chinese hotspot shop opened in Bandu so we gave it a go and filled our bellies with delicious burning chilli and peppers. I may be less grateful if I suddenly have to rush to the bathroom during the night. My stomach feels like that may be a possibility.

The best thing about today was:

Reading more of the SNFU book whilst drinking my coffees at Utopia. I’m really enjoying it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Tiredness caught up with me for an afternoon nap that I was really reluctant to get up from. I felt like I could just keep sleeping until tomorrow. I will go back to bed soon too, for a stretch of comic book reading first but I will look forward to my sleep and my dreams.

Something I learned today?

Mega Home doesn’t stop fabric spray like Febreeze or the better heavy-duty version I found at Home Pro before.

I took this picture because there was nothing particularly exciting today except for our early spicy dinner.

Old Man Of Twenty One – 4th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I was from there, but you came from here
And now we’re here you want to leave
Beyond our borders, greener grasses
Chasing after the things that we believe

The world is sure bigger than we understand
To dip toes in the sand or look out from the hill
People leaving for ports unknown
And then we feel as if we’re standing still

For miles and miles, watch the Earth curve
And start running towards all your dreams
But one day, we arrive and reminisce
For the days when nothing was what it seems

Yesterday I was seventeen and tomorrow I’ll be dead
Pretending to be adult til that’s what I became
Dismissing the words of my all-knowing elders
Who’d long since been through the same

Those times we thought we were at the centre
And everything was made for us to hold
Now understood to be just youthful wishes
With the wisdom that came from getting old

inspired by this post at Spinning Visions and its connection with my own experience.

Today I’m feeling:

Really good. An easy day with a nice long gap between easy classes. With only about 6 hours of good sleep last night, I knew I was tired but was able to just remain laid back and go with the flow.

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy persisting in hugging me last night before arousing me from my lucid dreams and into a delicious tangle of hips and limbs before we even managed to kiss. 30 minutes later and I was happily drifting into crazy dreams for far too short a time.

The best thing about today was:

From my ab workout and muesli yoghurt breakfast until sitting in this cool aircon before sleeping it’s been a day of feeling happy and spreading a little happiness around. A little bit of joy was shared between us all.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

One of my students, Namfon, couldn’t do work in my class yesterday because she had no internet connection on her phone. This morning I asked her to come and talk to me and Kru Karn because I wanted to know how we could fix the situation. I could tell Kru Karn was really short with her and blaming her and Namfon started to look dejected and almost teary. I felt sorry for her but also wanted her to know that a solution had to be found. When we went back to class I tried to comfort her and she did eventually come round to a little smile. 

In my afternoon class lovely little Nicha had a cry too because, although she didn’t admit it to me until later, she couldn’t understand the work I wanted her to do. There was a lot of work and other students were too busy to help her. She told me her frustrations and again I tried to comfort her and she impressed me with being able to read more words this year. Even though she is one of the older kids she hasn’t really matured yet and, sadly, she’s been left behind in her class. It is a frustrating situation for everyone because she could easily slip through the cracks and deserves a better chance than what is on offer.

Something I learned today?

Again with students, I saw Fah in class today and she looked lost in thought and upset about something which is unusual for her. When I bumped into her l asked her about it and she couldn’t explain in English and just said รำคาญ which I later looked up to find means annoyed. I’m learning language in use.

I took this picture last month because all the paddies are getting seeded and this should all look amazing again in a couple of months’ time. No new picture today so having to dig back.

The Saviours – 3rd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Philosophy and art are the saviours
When becoming bored with beauty
Chasing the objects of our desires
Has become a mindless duty

Nature holds a love so special
This day ripe and then tomorrow rotten
To make the thought last forever
To contemplate all that’s forgotten

Unsatisfied with the richest rewards
The sparks must generate resistance
As though seeing things for the first time
Is the wonder of one’s existence

inspired by a recent Stoa Letter newsletter
4th Apr 2024 – Submitted to My Vivid Blog

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty positive. Woke up with a start when my alarm went off. I was in the middle of a dream where I jumped into some icy water and got sucked into a cave and started drowning. But then I was watching myself counting whilst holding my breath to see if I had enough air to find my way out. 

When I arrived at my first class the kids were early and busy doing work so I asked them why and they said they hadn’t done the work in the six-day break and had to finish before their next class. I asked them what it was about and it was something to do with a futuristic world. So I let them carry on and I prepared a related quiz for them for the second half of the class which they are competitively doing now. Easy work for me so far.

Today I’m grateful for:

Hearing that Hayden has landed himself a full-time job in Brisbane. I’m not sure how this will affect being able to see him whilst I’m there but I hope this might be a good starting point for him to find a routine that he can work out to his advantage.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying being back at school even on my busiest day of classes. I had everything in order and things ran pretty smoothly. 

I also advanced myself a little bit with my guitar practising, finally being able to stumble through some difficult tunes well enough to pass that section. I’ve been stuck at the same level for two years or more mainly because there’s a fingerpicking section that I’m not particularly interested in completing but I’ll give it a go again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Nothing untoward out of my control today. Things that were out of my control were treated as such.

Something I learned today?

I had a little look at my old lessons on Google Slides today and can see that they should be relatively easy to convert to Quizizz for use next semester. Apart from being unable to control the students forgetting logins and passwords, I feel more confident using the system now and finding a good tool for tracking and ensuring work is done and revised again easily.

What do I need to let go of?

There is a certain person that I would like to get out of my thoughts. I need to let go of any resentment and bitterness that has been left. In fact, I don’t have those feelings much but somehow this person’s actions in the past come back to haunt me as validation that my attitude towards them is correct but what I would prefer is to just not care. I don’t have anything to prove so why do I keep comparing?

I took this picture because here is the top princess of the house, keeping a careful watch on his human staff.

Cyberpsychopath – 2nd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Hiding in the dark webs, to lurk and deceive
More reckless the more special you believe
Cyberpunk psychopaths, momentary flame
Burned white hot until the end of the game

Today I’m feeling:

Yesterday’s afternoon coffee kept me until midnight reading comics though I fell asleep immediately once I turned off my iPad. A nice lazy nine hours later and I’m up and drinking coffee at Utopia preparing my mind for the two days of school this week.

Today I’m grateful for:

Anything. Sometimes I feel that I take everything for granted. I think about just putting on some good shoes and walking down the highway to Bangkok with nothing. To put myself in some ridiculous situation that I will never actually attempt, and remind myself just how good I have it.

I know I have it easy yet sometimes feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

The best thing about today was:

Amy’s carrot cake which improves over time. This evening it was more delicious than yesterday, perhaps also aided by my hunger. Nuts, vegetables, cake. That’s my dinner.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Tigger didn’t eat this morning which is a bit unusual but sometimes when he has a hairball he’s like that. He did eat a little bit in the afternoon but he looked a bit exhausted. Amy decided we should take him to the vet where they found he had an infection and fever. They gave him some medicine and he immediately perked up though he was still obviously stressed to be at the vet’s. We have to keep him inside for a couple of days and take him back again on Saturday.

Something I learned today?

Stupid humans can make a story out of nothing and call it news. Ok, I didn’t learn this today but it was reinforced when mainstream media headlined a story that ‘Chinese zoo accused of a bear being a human in a bear suit’. I’m getting to the point again of cutting out news media from my life, even ones that are of interest to me as they often highlight and ridicule the stupid humans doing and saying stupid things. I want to believe that the majority is better than that.

What is one thing I can do to improve my mental well-being?

Exercise. That’s it. I know it works and it’s the hardest to motivate yourself to do when your mental health is not good.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to worry less about ______ and more about ______.

I’ve been looking at this prompt for several days now and am still not sure what to write. I’m struggling to recall some of the things that I used to worry about or that, looking back, weren’t actually worth worrying about at that time.

Sometimes I would worry about what people thought of me but then at other times didn’t care at all. I still don’t much care though I’m not arrogant or over the top about it. 

Amy told her friends that I’m an introvert but I don’t think I am particularly. I just don’t interact much with people who don’t really fall into my group of interests. And I’m ok to be by myself. I don’t need attention. 

When I was younger I worried a little about money because it was difficult to find. I don’t have a need to worry about that too much these days.

I used to feel incomplete without a girlfriend but I never really worried about it, it was just a desire to be sharing my life with one person. I’m not sure why that was.

So maybe I would tell myself not to have worried about that so much and learned to love myself more and sooner.

In some ways, I grew up slowly, about ten years later than the stereotypical norm. I was in my early 30s when I was behaving like I was in my early 20s. That’s OK. I got there in the end and maybe it’s keeping me feeling ten years younger than I actually am.

I took this picture because Cap has been squeezing himself into Kim’s old favourite sleeping spot. You can still see Kim’s fur along the edges. I miss her so much and every time I think of her I get teary and the only way I cope is to not think of her. Cap is too big for the space so bits of him flow over the edges.

4/6 Time – 1st August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Keep the rhythm
Hold onto harmony
No sleepwalking

Meditate on
Presence and principles
Mindful essence

Stop pulling strings
No imagination
Confine yourself

To the present
All with objective calm
It’s up to us

inspired by a recent Stoa Letter newsletter

9th Jun 2024 – Submitted to the Word of the Day Challenge

Today I’m feeling:

A bit more lively and with it. Forgotten now, I know that I had a few different but quite realistic dreams. I was happy to enjoy them. I also managed to push through 75 star jumps and ride my pushie to Utopia for coffee. If I could tell myself every morning that a good day always starts with exercise perhaps I could motivate myself to do it at weekends.

Today I’m grateful for:

The digging tool we have for working in the garden. I guess it’s a hoe of some sort as it can be used for that too. Swing it high and hard enough though and it can dig. I’m also grateful for the recent rains making the ground a little easier to dig too. The two little trees were quickly in the ground and I look forward to watching them mature.

The best thing about today was:

Watching Amy bravely battle an arm-sized tokay in the kitchen and work room. I knew she wouldn’t rest until it was caught and outside. We had to chase it a bit and move some furniture but eventually, I managed to trap it in a plastic bin against the wall and Amy slid a mat across the top and quickly carried it outside where it finally ran off. 

I think the lizards look amazing and they are pretty shy. They only get agitated if you bother them. They do shit everywhere though, along with all the little geckos that are running around our house. 

I’m going to buy some lizard repellent sometime, though Amy said she read reviews that they can actually attract more lizards rather than get rid of them!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy had a few requests for jobs for me to do during the day but as I was in an improved mood I just did them happily.

Something I learned today?

I chuckled at a report today of the EU sending warships to the South China Sea to protect trade routes from Chinese interference. More than 80% of the shipping through the SCS are ships coming from and going to China! The spin of the hypocrites in the West is amazing. Is there another agenda?

What do I want to focus on this month?

Focus? I’m not sure to be honest. Trying to save a little money would be useful because I have to buy a lot of cat food and get the car serviced this month. But basically, it is business as usual. Teaching, learning, reading, writing, guitar, cleaning, coffee, exercise.

Amy took this picture because she was quite proud of her carrot cakes. They look great but we haven’t tasted them yet. I’m sure they will taste great too though.

Run Run – 31st July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Running from myself, running into stories
Running for my life, running past old glories
Rolling like a rebel gathering no moss
Rolling around, pretending to be the boss
Running from stories, running into myself
Running out of ideas, stuck up on the shelf
Running along so fast, ran up to the top
Running into tomorrow and I’ll never ever stop

initiated by writing at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

A little underwhelmed again today. I thought about things I could do with my spare time until Amy decided to fill up the day with various tasks. Maybe it will avoid the inclination to have an afternoon nap.

Today I’m grateful for:

Finding two inexpensive trees to plant that will hopefully end up providing shade for the kitchen. Amy’s mum said that they grow really fast. Tomorrow I will have to dig the holes for them but it shouldn’t need to be too deep.

The best thing about today was:

Eating a typical Aussie-style hipster breakfast of smoked salmon on smashed avocado on toast with fried egg. A bit of a treat as I rarely eat foreign food when Amy is not here.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I can’t quite rise out of this subdued mood. I have no enthusiasm or inspiration. There’s no spark of life in me right now. I just have to keep going knowing that perhaps tomorrow will be a little better.

Amy and I haven’t discussed what happened on Friday night and there still seems to be a little tension in our communications. 

Something I learned today?

Today is Paen’s (Baitoey) birthday. She sent a simple ‘Happy birthday to me’ message before telling me that no one in her family remembered or did anything for her. That is terribly sad, if true. I didn’t dwell on that and instead wished her the best for the future.

I took this picture because I’ve been paying attention to trees and flowers as we went looking for possible trees to put next to our kitchen for some shade in the future. The tree we liked was about 20,000 baht including transportation and placement. Nice but we need to spare money for other things.

Last Library Lost – 30th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 10 Comments

High on the dusty fumes
Amongst friends old and new
Above us, a high ceiling looms
And a door beckons us through

There are tiny beautiful things
Collected to devour
High above, a princess sings
With such emotional power

Such candies of peace and war
Looking for old times lost
Not knowing what to look for
Or worrying about the cost

Along creaky floorboards and stairs
The world can be travelled at home
There’s nothing else that compares
To reading in one’s own comfort alone

Cries for love in poetic rhyme
Tears for another’s book burning
Forever backwards travelling time
A whole world ready for learning

17th Jul 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge
25th Sep 2024 – Submitted to Moonwashed Weekly Prompt – Poetic

Today I’m feeling:

Undecided. Still a little weary and the skies are dull and grey again though at least there is rain to make the pleasure of staying inside more appealing.

After lunch of Amy’s homemade lasagna, it’s difficult to stay awake and I thought I could play guitar but Amy has gone for a lay down so I’m struggling through. It seems to have gotten darker throughout the day somehow, the mountains drenched in dark most, as the farmer backs and forths through the watery paddy.

Today I’m grateful for:

The wind, our fans and the humidity. Despite it raining today and as it was forecast for the whole week I decided to wash my bedsheets, hang them on the terrace and shove the fan on them. Tonight I’m back in the big bedroom with clean sheets and another fan. Amy is out with Nut tonight and if she comes back late and drunk she can possibly not disturb me if I’m already sleeping.

Amy invited Bee to go with them but never got any reply before she left. Bee had commented on a photo that Amy shared of us all out at dinner, ‘miss you so much’ etc. but we know that she won’t be allowed out by herself by George.

Who knows, maybe she did get out in the end. But I doubt it.

The best thing about today was:

Watching Sydney hang on against the Bombers in the AFL. We have a slim shot of making finals still this year though to be honest we probably don’t deserve it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Just as I’ve been sitting here writing this Cap came in and pissed on Amy’s bed. A big one, FFS! Just as everything was starting to smell nice… 

I took the wet sheets and pillow and dumped them outside on the terrace then soaked up as much pee as I could before throwing a bottle of baby powder over the whole bed.

Something I learned today?

My OG student Momo messaged me today asking me what question to ask someone to find out what kind of person they are? Cute! She’s switched to the Japanese program this year but from what I understand her pertaining to, she is online chatting with an Italian guy using English. 

Quite amazing how far we’ve come from pen pals writing letters every couple of months to just being able to immediately connect with someone face-to-face on the phone.

Momo is a very intelligent and cute girl. She can snag a handsome Italian!

What is my favourite photo of the past month?

Oddly, it’s this one. I took four photos of these flowers which hang on big trees. None of the pictures were good but I zoomed in and cut the picture down to just this and it has something about it. The image has stuck with me.

I took this picture because these pretty dragon fruit flowers only look good for a day but they are big and cake-like fluffy. Still no fruit.

Grasp – 29th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The future is heading faster towards me
Time is running out to get things done
But what exactly is it that I should be doing?
I must be serious but want to have fun

When did I stop enjoying my life?
I can’t remember when I last laughed
Satisfaction always seems beyond my reach
No matter how many times I grasped

Today I’m feeling:

I can’t say it’s been a good day but my feeling has slowly brightened since its beginning at least.

Today I’m grateful for:

The security guard at Central who didn’t move me on from waiting in the car outside the entrance whilst Amy ran in to get lasagna sheets for cooking lunch tomorrow. Thanks, dude. I saw you doing a great job moving barriers for the VIP car owners.

The best thing about today was:

A big sushi dinner in an odd little family cabin space near the city. What it lacked in amenities, atmosphere and Japanesness was made up with good tasting food. Makes me want to go back to Japan though. Nothing beats the real deal.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

After Baew and Mee had gone last night I helped Amy clean up the room not realising they had broken a glass and I had just walked barefoot through its remains. Luckily no damage done. Amy and Baew had managed to get through three bottles of wine and they both looked droopy-eyed and worse for wear.

I went in for a shower whilst Amy stayed a bit longer to clean and listen to music. After I finish my shower Amy appears with a bleeding foot, presumably from stepping on some rogue piece of glass. But she’s also annoyed that I didn’t answer her calls from the outside room to come and help. I hadn’t heard her calls as I was in the shower so not much I could really do about that. She didn’t quite see it that way but angrily told me that she was fine. So I went to bed, I was so tired by now. 

In the morning I woke up and Amy wasn’t in bed and didn’t look like she had been. I went around the house and outside and the car was also gone! I called her mum but she hadn’t heard anything. I jumped on the bike and went around to her friend’s houses nearby and around the hospital car park looking for our car but no sign. 

When I got back home the gardeners had arrived adding to the confusion. Stranger still, Amy was in the kitchen doing the washing up.

Asking where she had been I couldn’t get a straight answer but her foot seemed to be fine. 

By now I was starting to feel wound up and angry. I didn’t know what to do. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself. 

Often in situations like this I’ve found that just carrying on as normal and not showing any emotion will help so I asked Amy if there was anything she wanted me to do today to which she said no so I said ok, I’m going for coffee.

This first coffee tastes very bitter.

Something I learned today?

I really am badly affected by the lack of sunshine. It gets me down more than it should. I wonder if I don’t get enough sunshine even when it’s sunny because it’s too hot to be outside. 

Anyway, these last two cloudy days have made the temperature more hospitable. I contemplated sitting in the hammock but still working my way up to it, preferring to sit in front of the TV instead for now.

I took this picture because the avocado tree is proving to be a battler after being brutally cut down by our gardeners.

Garage Renegades – 28th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A society of no use, no one else wanted to play
Inspired to produce new anthems for today
From the garage born, out onto the snowy roads
Teenagers once forlorn gathers and explodes

Alienated and rejected, the world begins shaking
Many more infected by songs the kids were making
Playtime is over, the child juggles live grenades
Better run for cover, here come the renegades

Inspired by a passage in the book ‘SNFU – …What No One Else Wanted To Say’ about Canadian punk legends SNFU.

Today I’m feeling:

Like it’s a catch-up day. Exhausted and blurry-eyed as I sit with my first coffee for which Amy has joined me before she goes to look after her grandmum for the day. Her family are off to Phan to offer prayers and blesses to their uncle in the hope that it can help them sell his land. Amy was quite relieved to not have to go and perhaps her mum understands that Amy is not interested in partaking in these events too.

Today I’m grateful for:

The man washing my bike for a couple of bucks. It hasn’t been washed for six months or so and some of the mud will be glued to the engine casing. 

In the time it took me to look down at my phone and write this, it started raining somewhat negating the effects of the cleaning but whatever.

The best thing about today was:

Playing guitar for a couple of hours. It’s been a dull grey day and I kinda dozed for a couple of hours listening to podcasts and music. I couldn’t move because Tigger was happily sleeping on me and I didn’t want to disturb him. Baew and Mee came over for dinner and told of their troubles living back here with their family and their intention to go back to Bangkok. I enjoyed food with them but was itching to play guitar so left them to it. I found a few more Damned songs that I should be able to play along to.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve run out of money early this month so already eating into the visa money in the bank which doesn’t matter now except I need to move it back into our high interest account. I’ll have to wait to get paid to do that.

Something I learned today?

Inconsequential and irrelevant to pretty much everything but I never knew that Ted Leo used to play in Citizen’s Arrest and Chisel. I read his interview in Punk Planet and really connected with what he said, much more than many of the other interviewees in the book. I’ll check out Chisel and his solo stuff when I get time.

What is one thing I wish I could tell my future self?

These were the good times. You’re glad you moved your body more often and prepared yourself for the fragile years.

(All these entries are me telling my future self something. My future self will understand.)

I took this picture because P’ti was looking handsome and content in Utopia this morning.