I am so happy and grateful for my lounge where I can lay and read or listen to music or even sleep.
How does it help…to make troubles heavier by bemoaning them?
Marcus Aurelius
To-do list
Stretch and exercise when you wake ½
Meditate before looking at the computer ✅
More CD sorting ✅
Clear emails ✅
Figure out script for files ✅
Quite happy with today. Spent a lot of the day reading Lu Xun’s ‘Medicine’ for a Chinese student studying about translations. It was interesting and put me in a good mood. Helped by figuring out the script I wanted on my computer.
Almost at the end of the first week at home. I would like to and ride around a bit but it doesn’t matter too much. When I’m away from school I start to feel more like myself again. Still practising, still improving.
I am so happy and grateful to be surrounded by all this music. It’s a wonderful collection of my life.
Remember: what gets attention is not always important. And what is important rarely gets attention.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Record new TCRAH ✅
Clear emails
Read more entries for 1994ever
More CD organising (complete in 2 weeks?) ✅
Complete Coursera course ½
Another lazy yet satisfying day. Tomorrow I want to do some kind of exercise and meditation in the morning. Being at home, unable to go anywhere is an interesting challenge. I feel like this is a great opportunity to get some things done but also that none of it really matters if it does get done or not so there’s no real pressure. I know that if I do a little each day then tasks will get completed.
Picture of some flying insect building its home on one of our trees. Not for long!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for this time to enjoy my life. I can sit in my room in silence and feel content.
Idleness can be useful; it allows us the space to explore and soothe our troubled soul.
School of Life
To-do list
Record and upload TCRAH ½
Close tabs on Chrome ½
Read and write (writing is awkward) ½
Don’t start anything new ✅
More CD organising ✅
Lazy day. I did a bunch of preparation and bits and pieces. I could quite happily stay at home all the time. What do I really need to be doing? Tomorrow will be the same so I’m glad of that.
5th June 2024 – Whilst I’m still happy at home, the long periods of time spent at home after this point due to COVID-19 definitely made me reevaluate this thought!
Music from The Cavedwellers, Circus Brekovic, Deerhoof, Descendents, Gregory Isaacs, The Milkshakes, Queen, Didjits, Octafish, Elvis Costello, Emporer Yes, Althea and Donna, The Soul Owners, White Blacula and This Heat.
Weight: 79.0kg Resting heart rate: 48
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for being able to sit on this plane. To be able to afford to visit my friends. And for having a home to return to.
To-do list
Meditate on the plane – reflect on these days ✅
Please try to stay calm when back ✅
Wear mask all day ✅
Finish reading book ✅
Take some photos
It’s Tuesday as I write. Getting back was equally emotional and equally flat. I felt numb. Amy is angry at the inconvenience that my trip has now caused us. She’s not so much upset with me as upset with the situation.
I drank a couple of whiskies and fell into a deep 12-hour-long sleep. I got up for lunch and fell back asleep again for the afternoon, got up for dinner and then went back to sleep around 9 pm.
Now it’s Tuesday morning and everything still feels flat. The situation with the virus is looking increasingly likely to postpone the WDS tour which meaning losing all the money on our flights in South East Asia. That’s the situation now and what we have to deal with.
Amy and I are stuck at home for another 12 days. I don’t anticipate any illness from the virus so we just have to wait and carry on as best we can.
I am so happy and grateful for Epit taking the time and effort to drive me around KL and to take care of me on this visit.
Regrets are only regrets if you haven’t learned something from them.
To-do list
Talk with Talib and Thiban about plans ✅
Talk with Sikin about tapes ✅
Stay positive – enjoy the friendships of the living ✅
Savour the tahlil and Kimi’s memory ✅
Everyone here is so lovely and friendly. I really like it and I love to visit but it is strange not to see Kimi. I keep imagining he will suddenly appear.
Sikin seems to be doing ok but I’m not sure when she’s by herself. Epit and Aelin’s kids are fun and I hope they have enjoyed having me around.
Tonight I just found out that I won’t be able to go back to school due to the virus and a new law enacted that stops people who have been in Malaysia from going out for 14 days on return. This is kind of good news though I’m guessing I won’t be getting paid. Hopefully, I can treat it like a bonus holiday and I still have the online teaching to do.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to afford to fly to visit my friends.
Hanlon’s Razor – never attribute to malice what be attributed to stupidity.
To-do list
Follow usual morning routine ✅
Wear make everywhere ✅
Meditate ✅
Find out about SIM card ✅
Enjoy time with Epit and his kids ✅
It was a terrible start to the day as Amy and I fought over money and my travelling. I was so upset I wanted to cancel my plans and not go to KL. I don’t feel like Amy’s frustrations are really about money or me travelling but more connected with her feelings about Thailand.
I want to suggest to her that she goes back to Australia later in the year and work there for three months and see how she feels. Something has to change.
My plan now is to try and enjoy 12 months more of teaching in the school and if I can’t get on with it then I will stop and just teach at home and online. I think Amy can go back to Australia and work if she really feels like money is going to be a big problem. It doesn’t have to be for six months at a time but that’s up to her.
Another possibility is that she really gets behind teaching at home. I feel like she hasn’t really invested herself into it to make it a viable income yet.
The other thing we should do is to sell the house. I’m sick of always having to think about money and if it is spoiling our happiness even when we live in a beautiful home then we can live anywhere. It doesn’t matter. So long as I can have a space to call my own and a happy Amy then that’s what I want.
I am so happy and grateful for my psychiatrist who prescribes me my medicine. Can I live without it?
Forgiveness is choosing to not let negative events of the past define how you feel about someone or something in the present.
Mark Manson
To-do list
Finish Chinese drawing.
Eye-gaze practice – so difficult! ½
Stay calm. Talk less. ½
Staple exam papers. ✅
Focus on colours today ½
Stayed calm but talked quite a bit with Said and George.
Occasionally focused on colours and tried to remember about eye gazing. It’s really uncomfortable though!
I stayed calm during a difficult lesson this morning but some of the smarter kids had a great idea to go outside and finish the lesson and it worked out really well.
My other lesson was fine and I spent a couple of hours talking with George. I really look up to his way of thinking and want to push myself to end up like that too. I found myself interrupting him in conversation sometimes though and must try not to do that, and to really listen to what he is saying rather than just waiting to say the thing I want to say.
I felt a bit rejuvenated after that though not having any proper lunch made me tired as I got home. I did, however, feel some relief at it being the end of the working week for me.
Tomorrow I will use the time on the plane to read and meditate.
“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”
Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.
I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.
It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.
I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.
When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.
I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.
If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.
Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?
This is England….
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me. I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.
To-do list
Finish death course ✅
Read the Bandcamp article ✅
Staple exams
Write a blog post ✅
Practice eye gaze technique ½
A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.
I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.
It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.
In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.
I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.
Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.
I am so happy and grateful to have a phone that helps me organise things in my life.
The way in which the stream of life is to continue on its journey is written in the sands.
Sufi tale
To-do list
Please stay calm ✅
Reply Stoa emails – they are challenging ✅
Print more for KhawThang ✅
Watch out for catastrophic thinking ✅
Offer to help someone ✅
A quiet day today. I realised that my self-esteem is not good at the moment and not sure why.
Dealing with the kids today was a bit of a struggle for me to be honest, even though I was fairly calm and relaxed but it made me question what it is I’m doing and if it is bringing me happiness. It could just be end-of-semester exhaustion and a feeling of lack of motivation.
I’ve been thinking a bit recently about what I really enjoy doing and that is tour organising. I don’t see any way to turn it into a monetary venture but it would be something that would bring me closer to contentment. The time to do it would be soon though, as I’m getting older and lots of travel and sleeping on floors will get more difficult. I want to talk with Amy about this sometime when the time is right.
28th May 2024 – The COVID pandemic put any of these ideas to rest.
Tomorrow we have no classes and not been told what we are supposed to be doing so I will plan to finish off some things that I am studying.
I’m also getting to the point of thinking to limit all the information I’m trying to process. It’s all good and thought-provoking but I may not be giving myself enough time and opportunities to process it.
1994ever 