“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
I am so happy and grateful to have read Oscar Wilde’s Lady Windermere’s Fan yesterday. It was a really well-written dramatic short play and had me hooked to read it through despite tiredness. I love that feeling of being sucked into a good story.
Woke up today with huge indecision about the future. Last night Amy and I discussed what we might do in the future and whether we are happy where we are at this time.
Amy’s reverse culture shock has been getting her down a lot and she is itching to go back to Australia – whether just to visit or to make more long term plans. She says once her parents have passed that she has no compulsion to stay in Thailand.
Combined with news that our school’s budget has been cut and we will have to teach more classes, containing more students, it’s a somewhat depressing look ahead. I would be happy not to work at all. I can ‘be’ in any place or country and the advantage for me here is that I don’t necessarily have to work, whereas in Australia it would be a must just to survive.
The current plan is that Amy goes to Australia for 3 to 6 months once there are less travel restrictions and I carry on teaching (or perhaps stop – to be considered) and then when Amy returns we start doing some sort of business on our land and see how that goes. If that keeps us both happy, then we stay and if not then maybe we have to decide to pack up and think about our options in Australia.
I started this post with these pictures of the summer garden taken a couple of weeks ago, but bigger thoughts have taken over. Let’s see how our garden grows.
24th Mar 2023 – The plan I discuss above is still in progress. Amy will have been in Australia on and off for almost two years by the end of this year and will come back then and again consider doing some business on our land. Things are a little more normalised after the 2 or 3 years of pandemic restrictions. The mulberries are going crazy again this year too. I wish the sky were as blue today as it is in these pictures. Today’s AQI is 224 (Very unhealthy).
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our wheelbarrow. Yesterday I used it to move a whole heap of rocks to the other side of the garden. Without my wheelbarrow, this would’ve been a real pain. I’m also grateful for our big shovel too. this helped me get all the rocks into the barrow. They are both bright orange – like lots of garden equipment here in Thailand.
The best thing about today was getting a gift from Am and Tee. It’s just a mug but I liked Am’s explanation for choosing it.
I taught Maeve online again tonight and that was really a pleasure – she’s a bright and enthusiastic learner so time went quickly.
I tried to practice guitar after that but somehow my fingers and brain aren’t quite connecting. That happens sometimes. If it’s not coming together after ten minutes, put it down and try again tomorrow.
I have probably said it many times already but the time has come again to be so happy and grateful for the aircon in our house. It seemed to have come on late but suddenly this year. It gets so comfortable in an airconned room that there is a dread to leave, even if only to drink some water or go to the bathroom.
Today is First and JJ’s last day at school – although JJ may come back as a full-time teacher next year. I gave them, and Am and Tee, the cards that I had made for them as going away presents. I hope they got something out of them.
I completed a drawing for Mei at House which I think came out well and started another of Amy and Grace that should come out ok.
When I got home, after it cooled down a bit, I moved all the rocks that Amy wanted for her cactus garden at the front of the cafe/teaching room. We then both weeded the stalks of grass growing through the remaining rocks. It felt good to do this together.
I’m super tired now – mostly because I woke up in the middle of last night thinking too much about the way George has been treating me. I spend too much time, wasting too much time thinking about that stupid guy – why? I know that I cant control the way he acts so why do I let it bother me? Again, proximity plays a role as we have to sit next to each other every day for five days a week. I’ll get over it.
I am so happy and grateful that Amy had such a good time at the weekend. She came back very happy and a little drunk. I am grateful to Takky for taking care of her and doing all the driving too.
Well, Dylan didn’t make it on Saturday as he went out the night before. I can recall times when things like that would’ve upset me – especially as I was up and waiting for him at the meeting point. But now, I just brush it off and get on with other things and I spent an enjoyable day around the house and even treated myself to my first beers of the year – for which I paid for on the Sunday – but it was OK to remember what alcohol is like! It was also damn hot during the day and through the night now too. One thing I did notice is that my neck didn’t hurt in the morning like it usually does. Just the rest of my body suffering.
Anyway – the best thing that happened today was that I managed to get a lot of posts on to the blog as there is nothing much to do at school this week. Sadly, this morning George was really rude and abrupt with me, not even trying to be friendly with generic conversation, inviting others out for coffee to a different place than his usual DeLanna and not inviting me along or even looking at me. I can’t pinpoint anything in particular that I have done to upset him but he seems to have some problem with me again.
It’s sad to be posting up blogs from 2019 and how George helped me a lot and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me. I have my suspicions that it is something to do with his relationship with Bee and her friendship with Amy. I haven’t been the friend he wants me to be and that seems a little sad, selfish and egotistical on his behalf.
George likes his little troupe of followers to go along with him and everything he says and if you step out of line you are not allowed back in. Even Bee says he has problems with friends which is so odd because he is friendly and outgoing on the surface. But all that’s superficial.
Anyway, now is a test to see how I handle things because the environment at work is very uncomfortable because of this.
I’ve been reading Zen Mind, Zen Beginner and some of that calms me – but I can’t quite work out how. Other bits of it seem close to nonsense in a realistic world setting. I can understand it without thinking it’s something I should do – like bowing 9 times or something like that.
Anyway, reading, thinking, growing. It’s the same as it ever was.
I am so happy and grateful that we had beer in the house yesterday and I enjoyed my first beer of the year. I had a good time playing Xbox and watching videos and time went quickly – too quickly really. Am I grateful for my dodgy tummy this morning? Not so much.
I am so happy and grateful to Amy’s friends in Australia who will help me with a little anniversary surprise by sending her some of my drawings of their old pictures.
At my school I made friends with four university students doing their internships here. They are young and vibrant people and have a youthful idealism that I still seem possess, so it was easy for me to be drawn to them.
Today is their last day with us (unless they decide to stay here and work on the pitiful wages they would receive) and I made them each a special card. Unfortunately I forget to take a picture of each card but the front features the sketches attached. None of them are perfect but they should be recognisable to themselves I hope!
I really enjoyed the process of putting the cards together and having to come up with ideas for me, somewhat inspired by Austin Kleon’s artistic trials.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all the movies I downloaded over the years. I can watch almost anything that I ever found of interest whenever I want. I can remember when the only option was to wait for the Friday night special of the Saturday horror double bills. That made movies more special but now I can find movies that I choose from anywhere in the world.
I usually do my drawings at House where the coffee is particularly addictive. I can taste it now – almost 6 hours since my last cup. In the mornings, I can’t wait to get there and take that first sip.
Anyway, Mei, who is a pretty lady who works there has seen me drawing every day and today she sidled up to me and in her best English, her vocabulary quite limited, asked if I could draw a picture of her. At first, I was a little surprised and then a little delighted – my first commission! I told her though, that she mustn’t be upset if she doesn’t like what I produce!
Subsequently, she added me in LINE and sent me a picture for me to use – I’m only at the stage of copying from pictures.
Doing all these face drawings has been an interesting challenge and I’m kinda excited to know that I will move onto other things to draw in the future and try to improve my skills all round.
I had another good online teaching lesson and I’m at home alone as Amy has gone with Takky for the weekend for a housewarming event. With no one else around I feel a lack of tension. I don’t need to think about any verbal communication unless I want to tell the cats something. Either Xbox, YouTube or comics in bed beckon.
Tomorrow I’ll be up at a reasonable time to take Dylan up to a hill tribe village for a morning walk. Good exercise.
I am so happy and grateful for my guitar and app for learning to play it. I’m feeling very positive about learning that even when something becomes very difficult I won’t give up and I’m even starting to remember some songs and practice them without the app. My aching hand and fingers remind me how much enjoyment I’m getting from it.
The best thing that happened today was finishing a drawing of Fern and Amy that I had really struggled with yesterday. It’s not perfect but it does at least look like them now.
I also started one of Jess and Amy which is going well. I plan to a jpg to each of Amy’s friends so they can send to Amy on our anniversary – now, if I could only remember the exact date of our anniversary! Is it the 9th or 11th? I just realised I can look in this diary or perhaps to my blog for a clue….Looks like the 9th – haha!
Pic: cat waiting for quote
“A person who knows little likes to talk, and one who knows much mostly keeps silent.
This is because a person who knows little thinks that everything he knows is important, and wants to tell everyone. A person who knows much also knows that there is much more he doesn’t know. That’s why he speaks only when it is necessary to speak, and when he is not asked questions, he keeps his silence.”
-Jean Jacques Rousseau (via Tolstoy’s Calendar of Wisdom)
“I’m not sure of much of anything these days. Maybe that’s why I talk so much.”
-Robert Pirsig from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
I read these two quotes from different sources today, also reflecting on the ‘loud’ Thai people in my work environment and it was made more poignant as at this time they were congratulating two other foreign teachers for picking two correct numbers on the lottery. No one won anything that I could discern, as more correct numbers were needed but because they had two correct this seemed to indicate a mad belief in their fortune-telling skills.
This nonsense talk went on for a while and at a volume that chased any hiding cockroaches out of the room. I think for a lot of Thai people, it is all about the show and not about the reality. I’ve mentioned before my sense of this whilst living here. It still jars but rather than say anything this time, I tried to see things for what they were – and kept my mouth shut. (Until writing this, of course!)
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the foam rollers that help me to massage out any pain and tension in my back. Sometimes the relief is awesome – especially after sleeping awkwardly.
The best things today was that everyone was in a fairly happy mood as students were celebrating graduation. They all complained about having to wait, especially as the temperature rose up to 38 degrees or so.
It was a lot of fun to see everyone so relaxed. I especially enjoyed talking with Porpieng, Momo and Junior in the morning. I also talked with Baitoey and Bonus. Baitoey had written about her family situation and how unhappy it made her and how difficult it was for her to concentrate on school work. She wrote that she was depressed, her parents fight all the time – it seems her mum was only 17 when she had Baitoey – and her dad is not much older.
Baitoey had also thought about suicide. I told her my own dealings with depression and that she should know that she is loved – by me, Bonus and her friends. But also that she must consider her own love first and that is important when she can’t get it anywhere else.
I think she felt happy and relieved to write those things down even though it was so hard for her and she still can’t see a way out of the fog. I care about my students so much.
I taught online this evening and although I wasn’t really looking forward to it, even thinking of cancelling, it went well. Luckily this student is fairly capable and seems very motivated. Sometimes it’s hard to stay motivated went he student doesn’t really understand you or doesn’t have enough vocabulary to think deeper.
Where’s my tribe?
I’ve been thinking about many diverse and exclusive things these past couple of weeks, such as difficulties I have with getting on with people, my personal social media use, with-us or against-us political environments and I have come to the conclusion that all these thought processes have been triggered by being away from my tribe. This has caused a lot of self refection, some not so good internal dialogs and finally, a mini revelation.
Reading back over old entries show that I had quite an outgoing self confidence in the past and despite feeling happier these days I think that that confidence is decreasing somehow. I see this as a good sign somewhat, in that I am not so old and stuck in my ways that I think everything I do is right or perfect or that I have a fallen into the stale patterns of comfort. But I do feel that I can be knocked down easily by the judgement of some who don’t understand me or my style.
I try my best to fit in wherever I am but I am just not built to think like other people. Now I need to re-learn that that is ok and I am still worthwhile and offer value in this world, in this space.
In the last 2 weeks (since starting to think about this topic) I have gained back some of my self-confidence and understood (or re-understood) that I am OK the way I am and I don’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations except my own. If some people are rubbed the wrong way by my own manner then I can see the balance between it being my problem and being theirs. After all, these people are not part of my tribe. I still value their connection but ultimately these are not going to be people that I will, or want to, spend my free time with.
I am who I am, and I understand myself.
So – what is my tribe?
They must be connected to punk, music and the DIY ethos that I have worked with, on and off, over the last 30 years – the people and connections I have made within those spheres are my tribe. There is no punk or music scene here where I live though the DIY ethos is quite apparent in the way Thai people tend to do as much as they can by themselves, usually in order to save money.
The DIY ethos inspires me to do things under my own influence and to work hard for a common good, even if the result is personal and self-serving, the action is often the reward rather than the result.
In the past I partook in scenes as a show organizer or music producer but at this moment and place neither of these is feasible. Perhaps in an effort to discover something new to take part in I have cut myself off a little from those things from the past – particularly in an effort to remove myself from social media as much as possible. But I haven’t really discovered that something new that sparks my heart in the same way. So now I wish to reconnect – but how?
Must I soil my soul descending back into the hell of social media. Can I use it without it using me? I actually, really don’t want to do it at all but there seems to be no alternative. In the absence of anything local to be involved in, the easiest way to connect is via social media. I do miss message boards and forums of old and don’t feel the same connection with a Facebook group or even a Reddit thread.
The recent release of Senyawa’s Alkisah album, which was a worldwide cooperative release with 40 plus labels from all around the world, was an inspiring effort from everyone involved but I also feel a little reluctant to be taking part in the side of the music production cycle that I dislike the most and that is the promotion and marketing. I’ve never enjoyed it and I feel my influence is very minor compared with others who can muster the enthusiasm for these things.
The overall effort for the release though has triggered some further ideas to be more involved again and perhaps build on the catalogue of music that I have already been involved in over the last two to three decades.
Or perhaps I should just write about the music I discover in the future but even that feels like it has all been done before – much like the Gide quote at the top of this page. Can I make something new, that not only inspires me but also inspires others? Bring my tribe back together, rejoin my tribe, build my tribe again?
Pic: At the office, 2004, before re-discovering my tribe
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to wake up in the cool morning and push myself through my lethargy and do just a few minutes of exercise – enough to pump me up for the day. I can watch the sun come up and the mists evaporate. I’m not always able to do this but I’m thankful when I can because it makes me feel better.
1994ever 