“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
I am so happy and grateful for the little massage ball I bought last week. I can use it on my neck, shoulders, back, hips, arms and legs and get a nice mini massage. I’m lucky that I can afford these little things.
I am so happy and grateful for my few friends who really understand me. I know I can be difficult to get along with sometimes though (obviously) I’m not sure why. So, it’s nice to find people who can accept me for who I am.
Indonesia’s intense, vital experimental duo Senyawa release their newest album Alkisah via a decentralised worldwide co-operative effort. An explosive, exploratory trip through Senyawa’s unique sonics, Alkisah represents these masters of unpredictable experimental music pushing their own boundaries.
Instrumentalist Wukir Suryadi performs on his homemade instruments, created from bamboo and other natural materials, offering a rarely explored link between the ancient, traditional, mystical music of South-East Asia and the contemporary avant-garde.
Vocalist Rully Shabara (also of tenzenmen recording artists Zoo) mines the human voice for its strangest and most challenging sounds, chanting, yowling and throat-singing like a chorus of demons in one song and an arcane, chattering machine in the next.
Rhythms skitter and crash around like gamelan, punctuated with trashcan drums or bulging plumbing percussion, while doomier moments (such as “Istana”) crush with seething waves of distortion and Rully’s mesmeric growls (a mix of Javanese, Bahasa, and other Indonesian languages). The record lurches from urgency to apocalypse, a twisting and twining story with animist mythology and hellish atmospherics.
ALKISAH can be translated as ONCE UPON A TIME.
This is that time.
SENYAWA
Wukir Suryadi: Custom Instruments
Rully Shabara: Lyrics, Vocals
Recorded and Mixed by Iwan Karak
At Eloprogo, September 2020
Soundscape of Eloprogo recorded by tesaran
Artworks by Sopeng
Minang proverbs on “Kabau” compiled by Taufik Adam
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my tooth guard. Without it, I would grind my teeth down to the gums. I think my neck problem comes from doing this too. Maybe it’s because I drink too much coffee but I sleep well most of the time.
I met Bruno for coffee this morning and enjoyed a little ride around on the way there and I felt in a good mood when I arrived. As ever, we discussed our thoughts on teaching in Thailand, our frustrations with it and our solutions for dealing with it. We both feel much the same. We try our best because we want the best for the kids. We work hard for them whether they appreciate it or not. If we can make a difference to one student then our stress has been worth it.
Let’s hope I can remember this with my class tomorrow! Haha!
More importantly for me I brought up my feelings about George. I wasn’t sure how much to say to Bruno as George had said that they were good friends before but I could feel that something wasn’t quite there.
As it turns out Bruno has much the same problems with him. That he’s hiding something, or putting on a facade of happiness which makes us feel like he’s insincere, his patriarchal behaviour and upset when people don’t do what he wants or behave the way he would like. Neither of us dislike him but both feel less need to do things together (with him).
I always liked George for his positive and outgoing personality. He does deal with some things very well but if it is a facade then it puts sincerity in doubt.
I talked with Bruno about how we both feel that we know about our own weaknesses even when we can tell others the best way to deal with something, it can be very difficult to do as you say for yourself. I used the analogy of ‘the doctor who smokes’. And perhaps this has some similarities to my feelings about George. I know the way I should be with him – to let it go, don’t overthink etc but it keeps nagging at me unavoidably.
I also realise that I don’t say he is insincere or arrogant but that is the way I perceive him. That’s all I can control – but how? This is a difficulty for me.
We also discussed how Bruno had mentioned before that I seemed to have peace of mind but I explained that’s not so – as ‘the doctor who smokes’, I know the way to be but struggle so much to achieve it. I said that what my difficulty is is accepting who I am and why I am the way I am. When I’m happy – such as last Monday – nothing can hurt me but when I’m not quite right – such as Friday – I just can’t find that acceptance – though I do generally know that the feeling will go away again. At least I know now that I can accept myself – this actually feels like a recent event though.
And it’s weird looking back at old diary entries, seeing that even 30 years ago, I knew all these things, could say all the right things yet I still haven’t found real peace of mind. I felt good talking about these things and somewhat validated that it wasn’t just me being a bad friend to George and there was someone else having exactly the same thoughts as me.
I am so happy and grateful for the weeds in the garden – a reminder of the constant struggle of life and of the determination to survive. Don’t give up. I am also grateful for the nicer things that grow in our garden. In the mornings there is a beautiful smell from a flowering tree which brings me a great feeling of harmony.
Yesterday was a kind of brought day and got me down a bit. When that happens I usually don’t feel like coming to my room and watched a load of YouTube and a movie instead. It felt like the right thing to do somehow although perhaps I might’ve gotten better quicker if I had come here – maybe I’ll force myself next time.
What a strange week. From a weird ecstasy on Monday to what sometimes felt like tragedy on Friday. I had an ominous feeling before my class on Friday and looked over my lesson to make sure the students could manage it. They actually did well enough but they were difficult to control. Champ came to talk with them though I didn’t know what about and they were all quiet and curious for a few minutes after that. It was difficult to get them to focus after that and I lost my patience, having to repeat myself again and again and packed my things and told them to leave 20 minutes early – they could tell I was upset with them.
Later, I talked with Champ and he told me he had told them that next semester they wouldn’t have a farang teacher for English as they were too disruptive and loud with me – forcing me to be loud (and frustrated) with them. Obviously they kids would have been curious about this and what it actually meant.
I felt better after discussing things with Champ a bit and came to my own conclusion that I’m really only happy teaching students who want to learn and I struggle to control those who don’t. Sometimes I can laugh it off but it often seems to depend on me.
I don’t where my foreboding came from earlier in the day but it certainly proved right – or was it a self-fulfilling prophecy?
I also got really upset with George as he insisted that Dylan play guitar for everyone in the room. George does this often – forcing people to do things whether they want to or not. It’s not normally anything extraordinary but it really grinds my gears and I feel another contribution to my turn around on my like for him.
I can also feel that he has a problem with me now as he no longer includes me in anything – probably because I usually want to do other things most of the time. I feel it’s a little bit like retribution against me somehow. I don’t follow his way so I’m excluded from his chums. I feel it’s a little insincere because also at the same time, he can still be nice and friendly. Maybe I read too much into it and think about it too much – maybe it’s proximity, as we spent too much time together earlier in the school year. Both our bad sides are shown.
His manipulation of people shouldn’t bother me as I can’t control him or the people he directs the manipulation at. He tried it with me many times before and he knows it doesn’t work with me.
Uh – I feel it’s a shame and that all the problems I have with people stem from me. Sometimes that’s ok and other times it gets me down. But I feel it’s not something I can easily fix within myself.
I am a solitary person. I do need other interaction but just enough to satisfy myself. I am jealous of how other people have more social lives than me but don’t want to be obliged into it if it makes me uncomfortable. I find most people boring to be with. That’s the way I am.
Hang in there, Shaun
I woke up briefly from a nice dream and thought to myself, wow I must remember this and now I’m awake I just remember doing this but not what the dream was!
Sounds like a little rain outside – weird.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my interesting dreams where unusual things come to visit my imagination and I wake up and wonder what they mean, at least for the few seconds I can remember them. I remember trying to get away from something or avoid something but what was it?
Cat cries – wake up call – got a present for you, toss and turn – nice dreams again, forgotten or fading already.
Cranky neck, cricks and creaks.
Birds call – wake up, the sun is coming, left big toe throbs in pain.
Welcome to another day.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my weird independent personality. I prefer just to keep myself amused over trying to keep everyone around me engaged. It’s not that I’m cold but it’s just the way I am. I work hard for my students and other younger people – I offer them my advice and my point of view and expression are just as valid as any other teacher’s methods, I’m sure.
Amy’s alcoholic uncle got killed, being hit by two cars, so we’ve been running around a little bit sorting things out for his small funeral. He was not particularly well like so there wasn’t much to attend to in the end and everything was over within two days.
Someone mentioned that the size of the funeral is a reflection of the person’s life. Steve’s funeral was attended by so many people it was standing-room only. But, so what? Do either of them care? I think that they would both ask for a chance to do it all over again.
Amy wishes for a small funeral. Me too.
Both classes today were enjoyable as I watched kids trying a little more than usual to do and say the right things. Dylan and I both agreed it was weird how some days the students are all good and other days they can be a nightmare.
Yesterday I stopped to talk to some students in the canteen and a couple asked me to teach them more English so I’m trying to arrange to help them out once a week. They gave me the impression they were keen to study and that is what I am looking for in the students. Let’s see.
All in all, the working days have been good this week.
I am so happy and grateful for my dreams. This morning I didn’t get up with my alarm to exercise. One, because I was tired and two, because I was having a nice dream. I remember meeting Stef again and she was happy to see me and I told her I missed her, she had a stomach ache and I comforted her. Later I was cleaning my room and there were two Cappuccino’s playing with Tigger.
Finish ab workout and yoga stretching – feels good, a little tired – less than seven hours sleep – dump thoughts and meditate.
What thoughts now? With pain in hand thoughts are difficult – when trying to meditate thoughts come easy.
Sat by the river with George yesterday – not much time tho but was pleasant, talked about how different countries have different cultures. When it comes to community, family and sharing things. I mostly recall the sunlight on the river.
Anyway highlighted some of our differences in behaviour which we all have to accept and understand – sometimes forgive.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to our neighbour’s dog Tangmo who came to visit yesterday morning before I went to work. He was running around full of energy and ran away from Tigger. I tried to get him to follow me out so I could close the gate but he kept running back inside. It made me smile for the whole day.
Yes, today was pretty good too. Spent a good morning at House – drinking coffee, sketching and reading. I feel like I’m on top of many things at the moment.
The best thing about today was helping students with some difficult L and R tongue twisters – it was fun and they didn’t give up.
Started reading Sartre’s Age of Reason and also completed another sketch.
I am so happy and grateful for this book and pen – I can write down my thoughts, feelings and gratitude. Thank you to the shop I bought them from, the people who made them, the people who delivered them. I wonder how many miles they had to travel from start to finish and how many hands they touched around the world.
Weirdly happy today. Many things to do and I did them easily (maybe I’ve forgotten something) but everything just felt easy today. Is this what ‘normal’ feels like?
I did a few different random acts of kindness. I watched Infinitely Polar Bear yesterday and it was ok – interesting story – it made me think about my own mental health and how some days are good and others bad without any obvious reason.
Today was perhaps and up day but I want it to be a normal average day. Any difficulties that arose I could handle – I’m just confused about what it is I need to do to keep feeling good like this.
I finished my second run through Notes From Underground and really loved the last chapter of The Dream of a Ridiculous Man this time.
I think I forgot to mention yesterday reading an amazing chapter from The Infinite Jest – all about trying and failing to give up smoking pot. It seemed the author could tap into every single thought a person in this position might have. Paragraphs lasted whole pages – it looked intimidating but made perfect sense.
This morning started off with a smile as I tried and failed to shepherd the neighbour’s dog, Tangmo, out of our garden. That dog is so happy and playful.
I also managed to do a couple of sketches for my gratitude cards and whilst not perfect I’m pretty happy with them. All right – good!
To-do list
I am so happy and grateful for all the food we have available. Amy’s mum and dad brought us lots even though we have enough already and we have out to eat too. It feels like we will never struggle to eat. Let’s hope it stays that way.
Yesterday was a tough day as Tigger had peed on Amy’s bed again, which she found when she woke up (and it was the second time this week).
Then, after having waited for 2 weeks or more for some garden stuff to arrive from China – the parcel arrived around 9 am and it was the wrong thing sent. This put Amy in a foul mood all day and I managed to be uninfluenced but by the afternoon I was as depressed as could be. I think about how privileged we are and I hate to complain about dumb things though I know I’m just as likely to get upset too sometimes.
Anyway, today is a much better day and I’ve really enjoyed reading and writing a lot. Now, to feed the cats and maybe play a little guitar.
1994ever 