Category: 2021

We got that attitude! – 23rd October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful that Tangmo seems to be getting better and more active again. It’s difficult to watch another’s pet get sick and not be sure how much effort they put into taking care of it.

By 9 pm, the night I last wrote, I had a sudden wave of fatigue come over me. I felt that I just needed sleep but still felt reasonable. When my alarm went off in the morning, though it was apparent that it was my time again for my irregular slump and so I went back to sleep. After being woken by a call from Champ, which I was barely able to mumble through, I eventually woke up again around 11 am, ate and went back to sleep until 5 pm.

It wasn’t until Thursday evening I finally felt good again. I’m cautious to push myself with any exercise for the next couple of days – and I was just one day off completing the 30 day ab challenge.

Whistleblower – 19th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A truth-teller, honest words
Reality dealer
Things you don’t like to hear
Uncovered, revealed for all
Blown whistler
How could it happen here?
Sentenced, silenced and forgotten
Muddied water
Evidence made to disappear
A memory, a closed chapter
Listed traitor
History rewritten clear
The winners, they are liars
Losing later
And always living in fear

Inspired by Daniel Hale. I feel we should rename ‘whistleblower’ to ‘truth-teller’. I can hear the Minutemen in my head as I read this.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that the gasman comes whenever we call him so that we have gas and I can have omelette for breakfast this morning.

Amy dropped me at school this morning so she can go shopping so I’m practically stuck here. I’ve just been sat in my classroom, reading and writing and keeping my head down so as not to get asked to do anything, though I did knock together another English presentation for classes next semester.

Anyway, having remained successfully without much disturbance, I decided to go for a walk down to House as it’s not too hot and sunny outside. I could kill an hour, listen to podcasts and get some exercise.

As I was eating lunch, I listened briefly to a podcast called Street Wisdom that directs you to pay more attention as you are walking somewhere, much like children stopping and investigating everything they are curious about. As I set about my walk, I noticed lots and lots of different flowers blooming but as cars and footing became more of a concern, I ended up focusing more on smells.

Thailand has some wild, interesting and unusual smells that are sometimes difficult for me to identify. The fresh fruit and veg markets are easily identifiable though, with all sorts of exotic mixes. Outside one tired-looking building, an old man sat playing a guitar, sat at a ubiquitous round concrete table so familiar here. He returned my smile as he slid a barre chord up the neck.

Other buildings are derelict, sometimes overgrown, next to smart new four-car, CCTV’d houses. People seem somewhat proud of their own space but don’t give a shit what may be ont he other side of the fence, where garbage can be thrown if they can get away with it.

I love the new wooden houses that get built here and there, but there are many old ones around still in use too, though poorly maintained. I sometimes envy the people living in them, comfortable in the familiarity of their own mess and junk. It reminds me of my dirty, messy bedroom of my teenage years. A safe haven for me to stay in my stink. If I lived by myself, I’m sure my house would end up like it too. Amy keeps me clean and on my toes.

What a wonderful walk, lost on the way back, though never really lost. Hot and sticky by the time of my return where I sit now writing this.

More Sugar – 18th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Little girl, lost in her thoughts
Searching for the why
Struggles on, trapped inside
Whilst the world passes by

No answers, questions repeating
What purpose being?
Everyone else in happiness
Is the illusion she is seeing

Tell yourself, forgive yourself
And be kind to your heart
Get back up on your horse
And every day, just start

The way is forward, moving on
Learning from the past
It’s a cliche, but live each day
As if it was your last

A true story of a girl whose name translates as Sugar
Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge – Moving On

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our mask supply so we can change them often and try to stay safe.

It felt like a busy weekend but I notice a calmness within me these days. Before, I felt like I have to do this and do that and get it done. I still have things to do but I have a confidence that they will get done and don’t feel any stress to get them out of the way.

Perhaps I know about all the things I have lined up in the future – things that may keep me occupied for another lifetime or two. Yes, I want to start fiddling around with music again – it will happen when the time is right.

Perhaps this pandemic has taught me to slow down a little. Without it, I’m sure I would be busy organising new things to be involved in. A situation such as this is not so bad timing for me. I did a lot and achieved many things up until the pandemic. It’s easy for me to sit back and relax a bit.

I hope that others come out the other side with renewed energy and can pick up where things were in their lives and the state of their societies.

I had a long talk with Oh’s girlfriend Namtan on Friday. She struggles with anxiety and depression, so I told her my story. Something I said hit me quite unexpectedly.

I said that Amy was lucky that the chemicals in her brain were capable of making her positive most of the time. I said to Namtan that we are not like that – we are always questioning things and searching for meaning. It’s just the way we are. And I have accepted that. It’s not an option anymore to try to be something you’re not.

I’ve known this all along but without resolution until recently. Namtan is 28. I told her not to give up. Every day is a struggle but we are capable of digging ourselves out of the mental holes we created until now.

It was nice to be able to offer advice, though I think perhaps I overwhelmed her with too much information.

We talked a lot about books too. She’s a librarian and an avid reader. I think that’s a good start to get on the right track.

I had some stomach bug for most of the weekend and lost a kilogram in weight. Somehow, I managed to push through the abs routine each morning, though. I can see a definite change in my belly fat. I’m actually starting to like the way I look again.

The Week That Was – 21st January 1979

Feed The World – 17th October 2021

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It’s time to cut the lawn again
Pull out all the weeds
Time for regeneration
And sowing hardy seeds

Time to reevaluate everything
To see which way succeeds
Time to return to our nature
On which this family feeds

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be able to push through these last couple of days of sickness with diarrhoea and still be able to do my abs workout in the morning. I feel like I can see a little difference in my belly fat and shape.

Mr Ghost – 15th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Waking up, never sure I am me
Wondering today just who I will be
Sometimes you do not want to be controlled
You make me do all the things that I’m told

You whisper those dark secrets in my ear
Directing me through prejudice and fear
I try to blank you out, please go away!
I try to yank you out, but you will stay

Like a dog barking at the thinnest air
I’m talking to someone who isn’t there
A living being conjured in my brain
An agent I must practice to restrain

You’re taking over, no longer to wait
I cannot hold it so I accept my fate

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for this time at school without having to teach. It’s very relaxing and really helps me wind down.

It’s a dull, dark day today – feels like England. My eyes feel heavy and whilst not being at all unhappy, some of the joy seems to have been sucked out of everything I’ve done. Though I did just have a good chat with Dylan, which sees me writing this now, after 4pm, when I could be heading home.

Not much of any import occurred today. I did a lot of reading and avoided people, mostly. As I said to Dylan, the avoidance is not out of discomfort or anything about other people but when you are around people here at school, you tend to get roped into doing things.

Perhaps worse than that is being told you have something to do and getting tensed up about it and then changing minds have you not doing it in the end. An anxiety for nothing. Of course, it would be better to learn to deal with it without having anxiety but this avoidance works well too. Where I can quietly read and write as I please.

Soi Dog Wandering – 14th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Snuffle in the undergrowth
There’s something living there
Scratching at an itchy head
And sniffing at the air
Sad dog sat contemplating
Where has the feeder gone?
Time to sleep in the road
Til the next car comes along

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for my new pillow. This one seems to be helping with my sore neck. I’m hoping it can help get rid of the pain altogether.

12th July 2023 – We have a stack of pillows in our house now as we are constantly seeking relief for sore necks. I believe I may have finally come to the realisation that it is not the pillow that is the problem but my lack of movement and exercise throughout the day. Some pillows are undoubtedly better than others but my neck pain has dissipated much more since exercising and stretching it more often.

I was just reminded about depression (reading about someone’s experience) and realise I haven’t had any dark thoughts, or dark days, I should say, for a long time. At least, it feels that way. I guess I do have dark thoughts but they are let go without breeding further. A little bit of exercise, medicine, less alcohol, a combination of all. I feel more comfortable in this world at the moment, conscious of how time passes by so quickly.

Yesterday, I took a quick afternoon ride and discovered yet more hidden hills and valleys close to home. It was a beautiful day. Hot but cooling, as I was exploring randomly. Many dead ends, stuck in pineapple fields. Going up a hill track that I hoped I wouldn’t have to come back down, then, without option, careening back down. Covered in mud and scratches from thorny plants.

Returned home to find the gardeners finishing up, took a shower and enjoyed our house, renewed again with trimming back of the jungle.

On Tuesday, Amy and I talked with a bunch of students at Berm and Hangie’s new cafe and Amy got fired up, thinking, ‘we could be doing this at our own place and helping the students with their English. It’s good to see her thinking about this option again.

The Week That Was – 14th January 1979

Walking Contradiction – 13th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I’m a walking contradiction
No, I’m not, I plead
One day this, one day that
How can I succeed?
Do as I say, not as I do
I’m going nowhere fast
When I say that red is blue
I mean that first is last
I’m a walking contradiction
Depending on my mood
Don’t tell me about yesterday
When I was really rude
I know what is right and wrong
And I must always be right
Try to keep up with me
And I’ll enjoy the fight

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to still be able to find off-the-beaten-track paths to ride around nearby home.

Where Were You? – 12th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Hello, my old friend, where have we been?
I travelled around the world to see the things I’ve seen
The past is a cloaked memory yet difficult to forget
Here we are again with little time to be upset

All the hopes and dreams we shared, left along the way
Stuck in a nine-to-five, kids and rent to pay
Do we recognise each other with the words we are using?
No longer in need to win if one of us is losing

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the beautiful temperatures in the evening and morning. What a wonder this earth is.

When I got home yesterday, Tangmo slowly made his way over from his house. He looked so sad and we comforted him and petted him as he lay down on his side, not understanding himself what was wrong with him. Occasionally, he would raise a paw, like a request, ‘Please help me’. Amy shed many tears and we can’t help but share his sadness.

Yesterday I felt inspired to start writing about my 1979 diary entries (see link below) but today I feel tired in my brain. Perhaps I should eat some lunch and guzzle another coffee and come back to it.

I’m not even sure why I’m at school at the moment. We have nothing to do and I avoid people as much as possible, scared that they will give me something to do. I sit in my classroom just reading and writing.

My 30 day abs challenge got more difficult but I’m getting through it each time. I think that is tiring me out, though I can say that it also makes me feel good. Can this old body go for another 100 years?

The Week That Was – 7th January 1979