Are good intentions always the best? The drunkards put it to the test What reactions would their honesty bring When told that they had said the wrong thing?
Camaraderie broken without moderation A bitten tongue is an undesired sensation But there’s a skill to an honest liar That the drunkards’ needs require
Words remain and legends born When from the heart they were torn Never accounted on the ledger’s expense A friend who chose to take offence
The Outsider…is the one man who knows he is sick in a civilisation that doesn’t know it is sick.
Colin Wilson
Today I’m feeling: Tired and a little down Today I’m grateful for: Amy’s quick recovery and not needing my help too much to prepare for her dinner party this evening. I was still exhausted and got back into bed at 11am after vacuuming and doing a few other chores to help Amy. I read for a while and slept, getting up again around 3.30 and feeling a bit better. The best thing about today was: Reading Khalil Gibran’s The Prophet. I look forward to reading it again in the future. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I pretty much relinquished control today and let myself be directed by Amy. My brain was barely functioning during the morning so I had little reason to push on with things that I wanted to do. Something I learned today? Utopia is closed tomorrow! My backup coffee place in Black Smooth but I’ll have to remember to take a book with me. Do you have a daily routine? A flexible one as I try to have lots of little tasks that I would like to do every day but also don’t beat myself up if I miss them. In the morning I do a very brief stretch and exercise, I used to meditate for 5 minutes too and may get back to that. I shower and feed the cats and feed myself before heading off to school and hopefully one or two coffees. Things are flexible after this. But in the evening I strive to play guitar, follow up on emails and write this journal, read a book for about 20 minutes, and then read comics before sleeping. I’m not a fan of doing the same thing every day so including some or all of these tasks is an aim and each starts anew.
Amy took this picture because this was her in the hospital (yesterday) getting her first rabies shot and her bite wounds dressed. She’s in less pain today but has a bit of swelling. I hope it fixes up quickly.
The mountain is not going to move You see it but don’t see The time taken is given back Even if you disagree
Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness and dies by chance,
Jean-Paul Sartre
Today I’m feeling: Exhausted Today I’m grateful for: Amy got bitten badly by Tokyo at House this morning but I’m grateful that we could get to a hospital easily and get it looked at and also get a rabies injection. I’m also grateful that I was able to quickly reschedule my day and take a day off from school to help Amy. The best thing about today was: Getting well wishes from my students for Amy and also them doing the work that I assigned them. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Dogs are out of my control and I didn’t take into account that whilst Tokyo is happy with me there are other people she is just aggressive towards. I felt like it was my fault that Amy got bitten because I gave her some food to give to Tokyo but unfortunately, Tokyo already thinks it is hers and so bit Amy to get it back. I quickly decided to take care of Amy rather than go to school. For the last three nights, I’ve had less than seven hours sleep and it caught up with me. By the time we got home at lunchtime, I hit the bed for almost six hours. I’m still tired now at 9pm. This is one of my catch-up days where I get little done. I’m more accepting of the fact that these days come now and then. Something I learned today? Dogs be dogs.
I took this picture because there were these webs all over the lawn this morning though weirdly when trying to take a picture of more than one they kinda disappeared in the picture.
The drudgery of the day-to-day Took our childlike sense away No longer dwarfed by all around Bored with all the knowledge found
No longer novel and mysterious Everything became so serious Less scared of what’s seen and heard Memories need to be shaken and stirred
The eyes of children opened wide Light pouring in deep down inside Inspiration to seek the sublime A world in which you can redefine
The battle against conformity requires you to adhere to another kind of conformity.
Dana Kletter, from Manchild 5
Today I’m feeling: Happy and positive though a little tired due to the lack of sleep from recent nights. Today I’m grateful for: The school director thanking us teachers for our hard work and effort at his school. Even if it was just a vague excuse for a meeting arranged by TLC as pats on each other’s backs, I still appreciate that he said these things. Most of the time we feel quite unrecognised and underappreciated. Of course, no pay rise, no bonus, and no Christmas gifts for us! Oh well, my coffee schedule messed up by the meeting I took the opportunity to invite David to House for a quick Kickstarter brew. The best thing about today was: My unruly class of kids in 1/7. Before it started I took Goy aside and asked how she felt about my class. She’s a quiet and top-grade productive student and I don’t get chance to talk with her much. She said she liked the class but when prompted said that it was too easy. I know this and apologised to her but she understood that I have many low-skilled students to manage. I asked her about her classmates and she said they were very annoying and make it difficult to concentrate. Obviously, I agreed and I thanked her for her thoughts. I was glad that she was happy with me as a teacher at least. Back in class, the kids wandered in lazily and mostly in high spirits. The two that I kicked out on Tuesday sheepishly laid low in their seats but I made an effort to try and engage Nong Aoi though she insisted she couldn’t write because her hand was hurting. I tried to make it fun by writing with my other hand which she tried for about ten seconds before giving up. With my left hand I write ‘Aoi ❤️ ?’ and Saipan and Rista got excited and said ‘Geno’. So I got a little embarrassed but it gave me an idea. I quickly got to a break point with some writing and hooked up the speaker and searched YouTube for Dexys ‘Geno’ and started playing it. Many kids got up to dance including Aoi and she had a big smile on her face. It was good to see. I settled them all back down with a promise to play it again at the end of the class. After a while, Aoi asked to escort another student who was feeling sick to the bathroom, however, a few minutes later she turned up with four boys, one of which was Geno. They stuck around for a while but got bored waiting until the end of class. When it did come I played Geno again and other excited dancing kids asked for a couple of other songs and that’s how it ended. I love these kids, one moment crazy upset, the next crazy happy. Just like every other human you ever met. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Last night I found a scratch on Kim Chi that looked pretty serious. Amy was concerned and we talked about whether and when to take her to the vet. It was already 9.30 and I was ready to sleep. We decided not to go then but spent the next couple of hours trying to clean the wound and watching her, putting on a collar to stop her licking and discussing what to do today. As we give her a special medicine for her leukaemia, we don’t generally give her any other medicine from the vet so as not to mix them. She seemed ok this morning and ate without a problem, just annoyed at having her collar on. I called Amy later from school and she’d cleaned up Kim’s room again and decided to keep her there to keep her out of any more trouble. When I got home though she seemed to be more uncomfortable with the wound, which is right on her empty ballbag and was weeping a little cloudy fluid. We quickly decided we should take her to the vet which meant a 2-hour round trip and not a relaxing evening at home. But this is what we do for those we love and so I enjoyed the drive, the traffic, the vets and everything else. I could’ve been annoyed at this loss of free time but I turned it into positive time. The vet advised to bring her again tomorrow which throws out some other plans but this is the way we have to roll. Something I learned today? Talking to David over a coffee he told me new things about South Africa that I didn’t know. There are maybe 11 tribal groups in South Africa, all with slightly different cultures. Since the end of the apartheid, the ANC has ruled non-stop but corruption is rife and although overt racism has gone it still exists in more subtle ways. The government is seemingly directed by rich bankers and billionaires ensuring their money keeps rolling in. David said he has come across many more South Africans in Thailand recently as folks are getting out to seek a better future, something which is not possible for the majority. Of course, it’s far more complicated but the underlying immorality and inhumanity are obvious. Perhaps inhumanity is actually the default of humans. Humanity is only something achieved in small doses. Which aspects do you think makes a person unique? It’s late already and I would like to write more about this but it also seems obvious that the answer would be ‘every aspect’. There’s no getting around the fact that everyone is unique.
I took this picture because, on a valley bike ride with Bruno, he recommended stopping at this fish restaurant for me to check out. We had a small quick meal and chatted overlooking the fish pond. It was only about 2pm and the owners/staff were lazing around one of the tables. Bruno seemed to think they were high or perhaps they were just in that chilled laid back zone of rural northern Thailand. We were also greeted by an assortment of shaggy dogs and scrawny cats, happily playing, hunting, snacking and snoozing. Lazy days at the fish pond restaurant on a road off the beaten track. A ‘local’ fish pond restaurant for ’local’ people.
4 billion years to get to this point So fuck up, dickhead! Pull your head in, it’s not about you A tiny speck on a single thread We’re not here to fuck spiders There’s always good and bad seeds Everything is a part of everything The whole has everything it needs
Thank you to the Aussie vernacular.
Sometimes I would like to go back in time and punch out the younger version of me for being so retarded.
Brian Walsby, on behalf of most everybody
Today I’m feeling: Happy but a little tired Today I’m grateful for: The citronella incense trying to keep the mossies away. It’s not working particularly well but can imagine we would be itching and scratching even more without it. How is incense made? Maybe I’ll try to find out….now. Well, the site I checked said they ground ingredients, and mixed with water to make a paste but didn’t give any hint as to what the ingredients might be. The best thing about today was: Delicious fish, fish tofu and veggies in a mushroom hotpot soup with fresh chilli and garlic and chilli sauce. Zing. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I didn’t have any feeling of things being out of my control. That could be through passive acceptance or relinquished control. There were elements of my classes that were out of my control whilst I was doing one and two-on-one reading study with students but there was no way around that. I still managed to keep the class lightly occupied during their ‘free’ time. Something I learned today? I learned that the BBC published an article about a scientific breakthrough with nuclear fusion but then that seemed to be countered with lots of ifs and maybes. As with most reporting on science, the media speculates well before anything is clear. It’s frustrating that our media and our brains are even wired to accept and promote this. What does your ideal day look like? Imagine living the ideal day over and over. It would soon lose its charm and so I posit that an ideal day is one where I wake up in the morning, make fewer mistakes than the day before, do something different, learn something new and develop my body and mind. I don’t have many ideal days but that’s ok. I need something to aim for!
I took this picture because I was looking for different angles to take a more interesting photo.
The concept of greatness entails being noble, wanting to be by oneself, being able to be different, standing alone and having to live independently.
Nietzsche
Today I’m feeling: Ok, mellow enough Today I’m grateful for: Nong Nam and Nong Aoi for testing my patience today. I asked them to do something in class and they refused so I asked them to leave, to which they immediately complied. It was a little comical but it was good that they just left. Better for everyone. The best thing about today was: I got home early again and went off for a bike ride with Bruno and we actually ended up at the place we intended for once. When we got there there was a big building and a sign for the area: ‘Non-Hunting Area’. It was the end of the road and we were kind of interested to walk up the mountain a bit behind the building. It seemed we disturbed the people ‘working’ there as the five or six dogs they had came running and barking. I have no idea what these people do there and I’m pretty sure we woke most of them up! After a few minutes, the dogs settled down and we talked with ‘the boss’ for a bit, who suggested coming in the morning time when it’s more pretty. The dogs started sniffing and licking around us and had now become very curious and friendly. They were well-kept and beautiful. It was a quick and nice ride all-in-all, through the valley and to the edge of the mountain. Another little part of the area explored. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Last night I slept very poorly though it was mostly a case of being uncomfortable and tossing and turning through the night the result of which had me expecting to feel very tired today. To try to ward this off though I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and told myself I was feeling good and I would feel good all day. I knew I had two classes and planned to go for a ride in the afternoon, which I could have easily blown off if I wanted to rest but somehow today I felt a little more motivated and wanted to try to overcome this recent lethargy. Something I learned today? I learned from Bruno what a tapioca tree looks like and that under each tree can be a great number of large tubers from which a few different things can be made. When I was little my mum used to make tapioca pudding for me and for some reason as Bruno was talking about these tubers I was imagining them to be full of tapioca pearls which simply fell out of it. I realised my stupidity once I saw a picture of a cut tuber though! Duh! Apparently, they are easy to grow and of course, as soon as we rode around a bit we saw them everywhere.
I took this picture because I had had enough of two of my students who were rude and disrespectful to me in class (see above) so I told them to get out. I was upset with them but I wasn’t in a bad mood and I laughed even more when another student (Jet) handed this drawing to me.
The big cheese on the housing estate The tough guy standing guard at the gate The geezer at the bar talking shite Bouncers bouncing idiots into the night
All the finagling to become the king To lay down the tune for others to sing Here amongst the whores you sit The king of nothing, the king of shit
‘King of a shithole’ was a line in Top Boy Summerhouse. The first line is a nod to a Half Man Half Biscuit song ‘He’s the big cheese down at the Tourist Information’.
The fact that a man who goes his own way ends in ruin means nothing…He must obey his own law, as if it were a daemon whispering to him of new and wonderful paths.
Carl Jung
Today I’m feeling: Lethargic and dizzy Today I’m grateful for: Yet another of Thailand’s holidays giving me another day off work. I spent it restoring energy, sleeping and watching TV! The best thing about today was: Watching Top Boy and identifying with one of the child characters that felt lost and useless. He got manipulated because of his ignorance and it made me think how easily that could have happened to me. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Amy was a bit grumpy in the morning so we kind of avoided talking about anything much. She cheered up later when Takky, Hangy and Berm came over and they all got on the wine. I was still dizzy and tired and was grateful that I could just watch tv whilst they had a blast. Describe your most ideal day from beginning to end. I get up in the morning I go to bed at night Everything in between is a bonus.
I took this picture because it is gardener’s day again today. Always looks good after they’ve been.
Janky parking in entitled lots The prize to get has got to be gots The hustled and hustlers dancing in jitters A microcosm of moronic critters Overrun with amateurs, unable to discern Anything beyond their own concern Grown men anxious and chomping at bits Losing their minds in explosive fits Society and humanity seemingly forgotten The race to the top has now reached the bottom Used to a life full of broken noses Shop til you drop, or at least til it closes
Embrace all obstacles as learning experiences, as means to getting stronger.
Robert Greene
Today I’m feeling: Content and tired Today I’m grateful for: Nong May, Amy’s cousin (?), for driving me to get coffee in Lampang. Also dad for driving on the way in the morning, and mum for paying for lunch. The best thing about today was: I really enjoyed driving back from Lampang for the first hour. My neck got sore after that though. I also enjoyed lucid dreams again on the way there and was amazed it was already 11am when we got there. The drive only felt like 30 minutes to me but was almost 4 hours. Also meeting the little girl doing dot-to-dot in the cafe whilst I was waiting for coffee. She was very cute and curious. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Most of the day was out of my control and I had already accepted this beforehand. Something I learned today? Why do I struggle to recall things at the end of the day? Does information logged in my brain stay in there? Is it useful? Does it only get activated when triggered by something relevant? I suppose that makes sense. Or am I going through days without learning anything at all? I did learn it was Nong Fah’s birthday today, thanks to a notification in LINE! What’s your favourite time of day? Sunrise and golden hour are both up there. Birth and death. Why? The living and sleeping parts don’t hold the same appeal? Like the land meeting the sea is more special than being in the ocean or the middle of the land. Do special things only happen at the edges?
I took this picture because this was the pretty garden area behind the restaurant we ate lunch at in Lampang. There were some amazing mountains along the way but I was driving and couldn’t take pictures.
At first, we like a winner Until boots are filled too high The smell of musk becomes too much And needs to be demoted to ordinary guy
Nothing really belongs to us but time, which even he has who has nothing else.
Baltasar Gracián
Today I’m feeling: Lethargic Today I’m grateful for: Samuel Beckett (again). I watched about half of Endgame with Michael Gambon and though was enjoying it very much it just made me think that reading it would be a better experience. Its absurdity is very English and reminds me of Vivian Stanshall, Gormenghast and Cacophony-era Rudimentary Peni. Philosophically dark and disturbed, tinged with my favourite laughless humour. I’m grateful to be English! The best thing about today was: Reading Anton Chekhov’s short story called A Happy Man. A simple text with a very obvious ending but the set-up was nice and satisfying. I think I felt comfortable knowing what was going to happen and enjoying the happiness of the happy man in question. It’s a reminder for us to be happy in our times of distress and discomfort. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I woke up tired and though could have spent the day productively resigned myself to a three-hour afternoon nap. It was a nice day to have been doing something but I found myself absorbed in nice dreams. I wondered if it was possible to just keep dreaming after you die. Something I learned today? I learned about a friend and their story (though told to me second-hand) and can empathise with their behaviours which I dislike. They are in a situation which is a little similar to one I have experienced a couple of times in the past and was difficult for me to deal with but I know now how to avoid arriving there. It’s not really my place to offer advice though I will try to help by perhaps directing their thoughts to other things instead. Distraction can be a good use of time as things may sort themselves out without any action necessary. What’s the weather like? This rather dull small talk topic I mention often when writing perhaps because it is still curious to me. Growing up in England the weather was strangely important, maybe it is everywhere. I’m nostalgic for the extremes of English days as they would bring excitement to the mostly dreary bitter days. Now I’m living in opposite-land though more often comfortable at a lack of having to consider what clothes to wear. This morning though I was slightly bleary-eyed, sitting in the sunrise and considering how perfect this day was. I felt awesome.
I took this picture because sometimes the things I plant are out of control. I like this tree at the front, I’ve never seen anything like it and have no idea what it is. Its branches grow in weird directions and its flowers are bright red. Amy wants to cut it back but I’m interested to just let it be and seeing how it develops. I know we’ll probably have to cut it down completely at some point if we build more. Behind are the trees Amy’s mum planted before we built anything, now tall and wide and the tallest is now completely overwhelmed by a climbing plant that has a smallish beginning down by the entertainment area. Again, I’ve let it go wild and enjoy the excellent shade it gives and the gorgeous fat buzzing bees its flowers bring but there’s a chance it will stop the tree from getting enough sun. I figure I will cut it soon though it will undoubtedly make a return.
The wolves are gathering Circling their prey Armed with razor claws Wet teeth on display Surrounded by enemies Fallen down ill Fears turned to acceptance Of the coming kill Hot breath drinks blood Flesh torn and ripped Life flows away Once so tightly gripped Now the hunger sated Left in the soft snow The body reconciles The way we all go
The future of the human race will likely depend on our ability to transcend this tribalism and to see our fate as interconnected with everyone else’s.
Robert Greene
Today I’m feeling: Happy and relaxed Today I’m grateful for: The confusion caused with communication in our school as there was a meeting in the afternoon that meant we didn’t have classes. It was not clear if we were supposed to attend this meeting, along with all the students and there was enough confusing information that it meant I could sneak away, come home and have a nice afternoon nap! I can see my attitude to miscommunication is positive when the outcome works in my favour like this and luckily in this part of the school everything generally works out like this. This was not the case in our other schools. The best thing about today was: Listening to the Pitchblende album at high volume after Amy went out for the night and I ate a weed gummy. I always liked Pitchblende and their music is not easy to latch on to. Last night took it to the next level. If I hadn’t been getting sleepy I would’ve listened to the whole album again. As it was I hopped into bed and fell asleep listening to the jazzcore podcast which was also terrific. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? As I was driving dad’s van back from our Mae Chan dinner, all the u-turns were closed off by police, which happens when a member of the royal family comes to visit Doi Tung and they want the motorcade to be able to smoothly pass on through. This meant we couldn’t make our exit for the last 200 metres home and we were instructed to pull over to the left and turn our lights off and wait for it to pass. Amy was a little frustrated and said “fucking stupid” and her dad was annoyed at where I pulled over and wanted to move 5 metres forward but everyone told him it doesn’t matter though by this time he’d jumped out of the car indicating he was going to drive now. He got back in the passenger seat and I was just bemused by everything. Amy’s dad has some weird reactions sometimes and I don’t get it at all. I can’t see any connection between the way Thai kids react and the way he does. It’s like an alien mindset to me that I just can’t understand. It seems to be cultural but most reactions I can see some sense in but sometimes his are just bizarre. I’m curious about how his thinking works! Anyway, I agree with Amy that it’s fucking stupid to inconvenience so many people like this (hundreds and hundreds of police have to stand around for up to six hours preparing for this)but there doesn’t need to be a reaction to it. In the end, we only had to wait a few minutes and I calmly sat and waited until we could go again and we were home without too much delay. Something I learned today? I’m writing this on Saturday morning and recalling events of yesterday and I know there are many small things I learned in passing, by reading, talking and interacting but nothing is stepping forward to announce itself right now. It’s one of those days of learning whilst not knowing you’re learning. Accumulating knowledge, stored in the brain bank and used subconsciously. Today I will try to be more conscious. In what ways are you good at your job? I’m good at my job in that I can make the students feel like they are having fun whilst learning a little. I come up with ideas for classes and I try to gauge my student’s feelings and abilities and help them when I can. I’m flexible, patient and understanding. Really these are not specific skills for my job of being a teacher but more for life. Life is my real job. Am I good at that? I’m still a student in that regard and hope to always be.
I took this picture because Cap was super chilled and sunk into the sofa, lost in his fur. No new pictures today so this is a default fallback cat pic!
Is he laughing at or with? The thief of dreams Time was never his to give Stolen in extremes The folly of wasted youth The crooked smile beams Dirty with the truth Liew, scrubs and cleans
The media never met a potential apocalypse it didn’t like.
from Superfreakonomics
Today I’m feeling: Happy Today I’m grateful for: The National Geographic English textbooks the school somehow obtained and I’ve been able to use in one of my classes and figured a way to push 4 of the better students by giving them higher graded books. I hope it pushes them a little. The best thing about today was: Playing, teaching and having fun in class, trying to motivate them and helping them find the correct answers to questions and seeing their faces light up when they get it. They may forget it by tomorrow but in those brief moments, I feel like I may be a legitimate teacher! What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? A few of my smart students in one class were very distracted by having their phones and I’ve noticed them slacking off a bit lately, just copying work and not really attempting to learn. Instead of getting angry or upset I talked to them after the class and let them know that I was aware of their changed behaviour and was a little disappointed by it. They looked a little sheepish as expected and I’ll have to wait and see if it has any impact. I’m pleased with myself that I kept calm this time. Something I learned today? From listening to the Oh Brother podcast I learned that the curmudgeonly Mark E Smith always returned his empty pint glasses to the bar. It reminds me that I usually clean up after myself in the cafes I go to when I’m finished and I wonder if I’m also a curmudgeon and this is my small act to show others that I may be a good human after all. Are you going to do something exciting? One would hope so…. But…. I’m not very exciting these days. Chiang Rai is not particularly exciting and it’s all suiting me just fine. I kinda miss being excited but with highs come lows and I prefer to avoid the lows. If Amy starts a business here then that will be kinda exciting. Is it stress that gives me excitement? Organising a SEA tour would be exciting but it’s the stress, the heightened awareness, the lack of sleep etc combined that holds me in awe. So, it seems the answer may be no, or, kinda….
I took this picture because this little innocuous waterfall sits outside the school cafe and I walk by it every day, noticing it but never really looking at it so today I stopped for a second to enjoy it.
1994ever 