A Reconciliation – 23rd September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 18 Comments

How to make something happen, how
To meet what’s left for me head-on
It’s a long road travelled upon
So what dreams of the future now?

I ran so fast to get ahead
After all the rushing around
I’ve found my feet stuck to the ground
How to make something happen, how

Can I learn from my past mistakes
Blindly followed the loudest voices
Crossroads offer too many choices
So what dreams of the future now?

How to make something happen, how
To reconcile the debris of all that’s gone?
So what dreams of the future now?

A reflection on getting older and wondering what might be next. I’m reasonably happy with my life and feel a little lack of ambition. This could be the folly of comfort but I’m tired too.
Shared with dVerse Poetry Form: Villonnet and Poets and Storytellers United – dreams and also for a course at AllPoetry.com
17th Dec 2024 – Published at Edge of Humanity

Today I’m feeling:

A little better again this morning. It was good to see more kids around school and I’ve managed to get out a little bit for a coffee kick start.

I sent a message to Kru Mai at around 10 am to see what was going on and was told that I could find 2/7 and help them out with cleaning.

So I went back to school but it was an hour and a half before I found them and they were just sitting and waiting in the canteen.

I helped out a little here and there as I was walking around but it was very disorganised and chaotic, though some of the motivated kids were doing a lot of work.

I found Jet and asked her what her class was supposed to be doing in the afternoon and her reply (as was everyone’s) was just ‘cleaning’. Whatever that might entail. She said she will probably ‘jump’, meaning skipping out of school and I laughed and said ‘same!’

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

Having options for other coffee shops now that House won’t be available for a while.

I tried Hobby this morning but the coffee is not to my taste, really and also expensive at 70 baht.

In the afternoon, I went to 22 Grams, where at least I know the coffee is great but that is also 70 baht too.

Maybe I will try a couple of other places this week just to see what else is out there.

The best thing about today was:

Getting into a real flow again this afternoon whilst at 22 Grams. I caught up on a lot of reading and a bit of writing and also worked out some other ideas for publishing poetry on Instagram and Substack.

I ended up spending almost 4 hours there and was in a good mood, so I thought to drop back by school on the way home just to check in with what was going on.

However, literally as I crossed the road to my car a huge storm rained down and traffic slowed as rain flooded the roads, possibly as most of the drainage was still blocked from mud.

I decided to skip school, though it took me a fair while to get back home as the rain pelted down all the way.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’d thought that I would pick some things up from Makro on the way home too but the rain put the kibosh on that.

Not to worry, if the rest of the week goes like today, there should still be opportunity to do a little shop one afternoon.

Something I learned today?

I learned a little bit about setting up Substack to publish and then also started investigating the Buy Me A Coffee app, though I struggled to figure out how to add the widget or embed it on my pages so far.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

I ended up giving Film my copy of Childhood’s End today. I hope he can enjoy it and get something out of it.

Praewa took this picture because she wanted to take photos of me helping to clean, which was a good idea just in case I got asked if I had helped at all!

Second Thought – 22nd September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 7 Comments

Burn all the books
It’s a cultural revolution
All the thoughts thought
Provided no solution

Dump it in the trash
Far away from winning
The sign says “not in use”
Start again at the beginning

With a second thought
Philosophy is stupid
Is it a world of facts?
Or is it only reputed?

Inspired by Existential Comics 551

Today I’m feeling:

Not too bad today, at least in the morning. I got up at a reasonable time, partly in preparation for going back to school tomorrow at the normal time.

I spent a few hours at Utopia reading and writing and could get myself into the flow for that which felt good.

By afternoon, though I ran out of energy and napped and have been lazy and run down since. I hope that feeling doesn’t carry over to tomorrow.

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

Noey being back from overseas and bringing me a couple of small gifts and making my coffee today. It was good to see her again and it sounded like she had a great time on her travels.

The best thing about today was:

Hmm – today felt like a day of two halves, the first with energy and positivity and whilst I still felt positive later, my lack of energy was disappointing. So nothing in particular stands out to me today.

Something I learned today?

I made my first poetry Instagram post today and will start learning more about it and give it a go to try and get some more eyes on my writing somehow. With no friends or followers added yet, though I have had zero views in 8 hours!

I also updated my MacBook and iPhone, which now means that I can mirror the iPhone and write directly from my keyboard into this app. This makes writing a lot easier and I would only have been able to do it before by paying for the premium option.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

By following students on Instagram, I found out that today is Rista’s birthday and so I sent her birthday wishes. She’s a nice, lively kid and I like her a lot.

Step Into The Light – 21st September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 5 Comments
Image Credit: Danial Burka @ Unsplash

So tired of being in the dark and all alone

There’s still a mountain to climb
And will the promise there hold true?

Step into the light I keep telling myself…

Step into the light I keep telling myself…

Step into the light I keep telling myself…

Submitted to WDYS #254 (above picture prompt). The title and first line is from Archers of Loaf’s ‘Step Into The Light’ and constitute the whole of its lyric! I haven’t added much more but it represents the dark headspace I’ve found myself in recently.

My reply to this post about sitting on the fence and UK politics

I could admire Thatcher as a woman dealing with a man’s world, but as a politician I despised her.

It’s impossible to say how things would have gone if she was never elected but I see the decline of the UK starting with her.

I appreciate that things were on the decline before that but this was visible during my lifetime and one of the reasons I was glad to leave the UK in the 90’s.

“Is it so wrong to sit on the fence?” – I constantly consider this, perhaps a reflection of my own Englishness. People who don’t sit on the fence seem to have more charisma and confidence but I find the world far more grey.

I also consider that I shouldn’t express an opinion if I am not fully aware of the facts.

Today I’m feeling:

A little dizzy and out of sorts. I was up early to get to my hospital appointment and forgot to even grab a coffee first.

As I was driving here, just over the bridge, there was a loose flock of sheep on the highway and one had been hit and killed, lying in the middle of the road.

There’s still garbage and drying mud everywhere at the sides of the roads and the vague fences that used to hold in animals are all flattened.

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

Not taking too long at the hospital this morning and getting back to enjoy a couple of coffees before lunch.

The ENT doctor didn’t seem too worried and just prescribed some more meds and told me to come back in two weeks’ time.

The best thing about today was:

Finishing reading Childhood’s End and enjoying it a lot.

It got me in the mood to watch Interstellar tonight as my student Film kept raving about it. I enjoyed it too, but only really appreciated it in the last 20 minutes or so when some of the earlier parts of the movie started to make sense.

I think I will lend Film Childhood’s End to read. His English is pretty great and I think he can understand most of it and would enjoy it.

Something I learned today?

I know what my throat looks like now after having a tube camera stuck in my mouth. Apart from the mucus stuck inside, things in there look good and healthy.

Brisbane managed to get over Geelong today in a tough match, losing one of their players to injury too.

It bodes well for the Swans next week, except for a couple of things.

Today, Brisbane played at the MCG, where next week’s game will be played. They are also last year’s losing finalists, which gives them extra motivation.

Having said that, most of our team played in the losing final the year before that, so that motivation is there for us too.

Thinking about following sports is something that at least keeps me focused on the now. I understand the appeal to others of sports that I have no interest in.

No Refunds – 20th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Bread and water are all that’s served
At the Epicurean diner
300 dollars for the wisdom observed
But no wine for the whiner!

Inspired (possibly ripped off) by Existential Comics 552

Today I’m feeling:

Dizzy and tired still, though a little better mentally.

I think I’m understanding a little more about why I’m feeling the way I am mentally.

My routine involves teaching and writing and those both keep me in the now. Whenever I’m not doing those things, I have been updating my blog or watching things relevant to my past ie. nostalgic.

Due to the flooding and school being closed, my routine has been upended and I haven’t been doing things that have kept me rooted in the now and way too much thinking about the past.

This has got me contemplating too much about things outside my control. Perhaps it was sitting for hours (in the now) at the hospital yesterday that has brought all this into focus.

So, now aware of this, I can think about how to improve my thoughts and situation.

I slept ok until some point in the night I had indigestion and then remembered that I had drunk two bottles of soda water in the evening, something I know will get my guts rumbling when I’m lying down to sleep. I’m a slow learner.

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 6

Today I’m grateful for:

To the student in the shop who read the staff with my shopping list (see below).

The best thing about today was:

Sydney beating Port to make another grand final. I managed to listen on the radio, which is certainly not exciting at all and really difficult to follow but at least I was able to keep up with the game.

I’ll watch the mini-match tomorrow and enjoy that.

I’ll probably listen to the Geelong/Brisbane game too and hope that they belt the shit out of each other to make it tougher next week for whoever is the winner.

Something I learned today?

Amy asked me to pick some stuff up at the auntie’s store at Fah Tai market and sent me a list written in Thai. When I showed it to the boy working at the shop, he apologised and told me that he couldn’t read. I guess he just gets by ok on speaking.

Cave And Ferry – 19th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 21 Comments

Wet with privilege, a subtle sorrow
No more songs will come
A tuneful whistle on a country drive
All that’s left of the genius one

There is always something
And always nothing too
With little air in between
The difference is the work to do

A satisfied melancholy
A poetic drama ends
Left to wander the grounds
Bumping into friends

Inspired and pilfered from The Red Hand Files #286
12th Dec 2025 – Shared with Poets and Storytellers United #207 – in between

oday I’m feeling:

Really dizzy and out of sorts. I went straight to the hospital but still hadn’t seen a doctor by midday. When I asked, they said that I had to wait for a ‘special’ doctor who only arrives at 1 pm!

My head is also not in a good place right now, either. Wild thoughts of quitting and moving or just sleeping.

Health:

Physical: 5
Mental: 5

Today I’m grateful for:

All the staff who helped me at the hospital. Despite it being frustrating, I don’t think it was anyone’s fault in particular.

The best thing about today was:

Not much I must admit. I did start to feel a little more positive by the evening, so that is something at least.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I don’t know why things took so long at the hospital today. I got there at nine and finally left at 2.45 pm. I saw a doctor for less than two minutes and was told to come back to see an ENT specialist on Saturday.

Something I learned today?

I should follow up with the staff at the hospital a little quicker. It may only be a coincidence but things only started happening once I asked what was going on.

I Don’t Want To Go Home – 18th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

A smooth glossy stone
In the palm of my hand
Face reflected on the surface
Curious to understand

Who I have become
Where I have been
Slow motion, underwater
Ripples along the stream

A soft peaceful memory
The curtain closed the stage
Coming up for breath
Living a new age

I don’t want to go home
The glitter and gold
That got me here
Is only half the story told

Inspired and paraphrased from this post at Spinning Visions
14th Feb 2025 – Shared with No Theme Thursday and the picture above.

Today I’m feeling:

Really tired and a little low. I slept well enough and got up feeling reasonable but after coffee I just felt zapped.

This morning, Tigger had sprayed near the bin and it was dark and bloodied. Not looking forward to going to school, I readily agreed when Amy asked if we should take him to the vet.

I figured that I would go back to school again later but as my energy drained, Amy thought it best that I stay home and by 11 am, I was back in bed and sleeping for an hour or so.

Tomorrow I will go back to the hospital and get myself checked out because something is definitely wrong with my body, it’s just that it doesn’t seem to be identifiable.

Health:

Physical: 5
Mental: 6

Today I’m grateful for:

Dr Arnon saying that he didn’t want to go out anywhere in the city because seeing all the mess and destruction is depressing. It confirmed for me that it is not just me feeling this way.

The best thing about today was:

More and more reading, less video watching. I’m not motivated for much else right now and haven’t done any writing for the past three days either.

No Life Ordinary – 17th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In love with trash trucks and bar signs
Dirty sidewalks and chaotic lines
Stepped on dead rats riding the rail
Soothing sirens announce a bloodied trail

A desperate reach to grab the air
The rambling mind, a heart laid bare
Spilt milk and the ding, ding, ding!
A date with disaster or a song to sing?

In love with bar signs and trash trucks
The struggle to enjoy a couple more bucks
A bustled hustle each patron employs
The sound of a memory, a beautiful noise

Shouts from the wet streets are rising
Up the five floors exercising
A cozy space amongst the debris
Dreamt by dreams, it’s no life ordinary

Inspired and phrases borrowed from this post at Spinning Visions.

Today I’m feeling:

Ok after a while but I slept badly during the night, for no apparent reason.

I thought maybe I was a little anxious about going to school today to help with cleaning up. I haven’t had this anxiety about a small, minor thing like this for a few years now and surprised to be feeling this way.

Health:

Physical: 6
Mental: 6

Today I’m grateful for:

Our local shops and the tax-free shadow economy. We can get everything we need for ourselves within walking distance.

Extra items we can order online and even shop for bigger or bulk items, we can get delivered from stores in the area too.

The best thing about today was:

I finished reading another book this morning as I was drinking my coffee before heading to school. I haven’t been reading as much this year but slowly turning away from the lure of videos and back to books.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

My feeling was weird today. After starting off anxious, as I was driving to school, I felt ok again but on arrival and seeing the mess and mud, I just felt off.

I can’t quite put my finger on why. It’s like the whole situation is depressing and I just want things to be the way they were, laughing and playing with my students.

I know this is unreasonable and against everything that I’ve been studying over the last couple of years.

It manifested after lunch in extreme exhaustion. I watched people chaotically working hard with little organisation and direction. After all, we are teachers, not a flood clean-up crew. But everyone wants to feel and be seen as contributing; it’s understandable.

Feeling dizzy and dejected, I came home and I was only a little revived after eating some dinner. I hope that I can sleep better tonight.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

I don’t feel good about not really helping to clean up the school much today.

Baibua took this picture of me because I stole her hat whilst I was chatting with her, Air and Toey as they were taking a break from cleaning.

Legend Tree – 16th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 8 Comments

Is it safe to sit on old memories?
The musty heat binds spells
The hint of all possibilities
Returned to through dusted smells

The tales all began right here
The crossroads of the village meeting
Cherished moments soon disappear
Disruptions thankfully fleeting

Why did these histories not repeat?
They were where legends made
One or two remain on this street
But nothing else has stayed

Who now will push the swing,
Laugh at the falling from the tree?
To sit in the light the moon will bring
And who will remember me?

Submitted to the above picture at this week’s No Theme Thursday which brought to mind Polvo’s Light of the Moon (hence the penultimate line). The picture makes me nostalgic for my childhood village life, where legends were absolutely made, yet not repeated by the following generations.

Today I’m feeling:

OK, though a little on edge. I guess I feel a little bad for not going to school. I don’t know why but I don’t feel like helping with cleaning up there like others are doing.

Having said that, though, I will go tomorrow and see what there is that I can help with that hopefully doesn’t involve getting dirty and I’ll go work somewhere if I can. I need to find a new quiet place to work for a while, somewhere that still has a decent coffee, though!

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

There being no real damage to Amy’s ribs, which are still hurting after she slipped while cleaning last week.

Hospital gave her the all clear and some medicine, though advised that this kind of injury, bruised ribs, can take a long time to heal

The best thing about today was:

Reading a few more chapters of Childhood’s End. Awesome thought-provoking stuff and in some ways makes me think of the possible peace China is promoting around the world, at least in comparison with the West.

Could humans pick themselves up and find a Utopian ideal by themselves? Could we submit to a power that provides for all? Could we accept internal Overlords without the necessity of an external alien threat?

In my mind, this must be possible. Though not in my lifetime. What about in yours, when you are reading this?

Something I learned today?

Anchan didn’t make it in time to apply for the exam for the school she wanted, but I think it’s because she knows that she would likely fail.

I’m still willing to help if I can, but not sure how much effort she is prepared to put in. I also don’t know what else is in her mind and what she has to deal with, with her grandmother.

Fatman report

In Celebration – 15th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 17 Comments

*It’s so hard to celebrate
Knowing all the things I know
Seeing all the things I’ve seen
The heartache of being forced to grow

Gone is the laughter
Along with all the pains
Smoothed out all the ups and downs
Only my shell remains

But I’ll pick up the cup again
And force myself to form a smile
Use up a little bit more of the magic
In celebration for a while

Still held in back of mind
A sliver of suspicion to spoil
To temper all the champagne bubbles
Dark whispers ply their toil

Submitted to What’s Going On – balance and for the prompt of ‘celebration’ at completing my first course at AllPoetry.com. Maybe these words seem a little dark but for me they represent a life of fewer ups and downs and a smoother balance in my thoughts and actions.
*First three lines appropriated from Lou Barlow’s ‘It’s So Hard To Fall In Love’.

Today I’m feeling:

Positive and alive. Maybe it’s the sunny start to the day after yesterday’s gloom but I feel switched on this morning.

I have a pain in the middle of my upper back from spending too much time lying down and/or sleeping, though. I’d like to stretch or exercise it out if possible.

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 8

Today I’m grateful for:

Making a new friend today as the baby calf came to visit and wasn’t too scared to run away. Once I was able to let her sniff me, she got curious and started licking and biting my hand, followed by my legs, arms and belly. Her tongue was as rough as a cat brush and I was left raw from her attention. I showered all the slobber off after savouring the cute animal’s affection.

The best thing about today was:

Getting a fair bit of poetry reading and blog updating done, along with a good 30-minute bash on guitar. The day disappeared pretty quickly and happily.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I saw a message asking us to go to school to help clean up but I’m going to ignore it for now and if asked, will say that I missed it and be apologetic.

Besides not really wanting to be at school to clean up I don’t really have any clothes, shoes or boots that I could wear either. I just donated all my old clothes yesterday and when I’m at school, I dress myself up in nice clothes, at home just wearing shorts and little else.

Another teacher just said that they will just go and do more lesson planning and I will actually be doing the same. I just don’t want to have to drive a 32km round trip for something that I can do at home (or more specifically at Utopia).

Something I learned today?

The U.S. government has passed a US$1.6 billion bill that aims to spread anti-China propaganda internationally, earmarking $325 million a year until the year 2027 to quote-unquote “counter the malign influence” of China around the world.

Malign influence!

Review your acts, Good and bad.

I took Amy’s freshly made mini cinnamon scrolls to Utopia and also dropped some in for Baipad, too.

I took this picture because Piti was being all chill and adorable this morning.

A Lull; A Crisis – 14th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 19 Comments

A Lull

Lulled into obedience
Cocooned in a routine
Lulling in a language
The soft belly fattened
Lulled back to sleep
A thief’s hand in the pocket
A lull in the fighting
Fresh-faced provincial naivety


A Crisis

Always in need of a crisis
To keep putting up prices
Push the thorn in deeper
Make this pain a keeper
Today was another bad day
Another breath stolen away
A cake built from glitter and guns
Towards the battle runs


A Lull; A Crisis

Lulled into obedience, always in need of a crisis
Cocooned in a routine to keep putting up prices
Lulling in a language, push the thorn in deeper
The soft belly fattened make this pain a keeper
Lulled back to sleep, today was another bad day
A thief’s hand in the pocket, another breath stolen away
A lull in the fighting, a cake built from glitter and guns
Fresh-faced provincial naivety towards the battle runs

6th Jun 2025 – Shared with dVerse OLN #385

Today I’m feeling:

Lazy again. The dark grey sky has returned with a light, constant rain. Even though I woke up and got up at 7 to feed the cats, I went back to bed and, after reading for a while, dozed a little too.

As I was driving out for coffee this morning, I was thinking about how I generally only feel motivated when I have to go to work. When I have some pressure to be doing one thing, then I’m really motivated to do another thing! This feeling is making me concerned about actual retirement. I have to figure out a way to be motivated when there is nothing else to do!

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

Amy getting us motivated and out of the house. At about 11.30, she said that we should get some old clothes together and donate them to people who need them at the moment. Lots of people are donating food but so much of it is getting thrown away as it is going off before it can be distributed.

It is a little heartening to see how people are pulling together to help each other and even to watch some folks laughing as they clean up the mud around their houses.

Others are not so happy, though. I dropped by House on the way into the city. Gui wasn’t there – he decided to stay in a hotel – so I talked a little with his mum (as best I could anyway) and she showed me inside the shop, which is a disaster, as is their front room, kitchen and bathroom, the back garden and even the parking area.

His mum couldn’t be sure how long before they could get everything sorted and the shop open again. Maybe even up to three months. I think Gui might just give up. Others who are renting their shops will be facing the same questions.

Tokyo heard me talking to Gui’s mum and barked from the safety of the terrace above the kitchen. She soon ran down and through all the mud to jump up at me as I had a snack waiting for her. She is oblivious to what is going on around her.

The best thing about today was:

Getting up and about and not just lying down at home reading or watching TV. I was also informed that school won’t open again until Thursday at the earliest, though that may change as I heard that clean-up had already started.

After seeing some of the damage in the area today, though, I can understand why it’s not just a matter of the school but also of the affected students, too.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Driving around the city and particularly the area near my school brought home the amount of damage that folks there are dealing with. All the roads are a mess of garbage and mud. Animals are loose, fields are empty and flattened and even some walls were knocked down or foundations for poles and fences so soft that they have keeled over.

We felt very subdued by it all and even though people are pulling together there’s a sort of bewilderment in the air. About 80% of shops are closed, whether they are affected by the water or not. The economy was already struggling and this is another setback to recovery.

Something I learned today?

Brisbane scraped through their final with the Giants and I listened to it live on the radio though as I wasn’t particularly invested in either I was also doing other things until the final ten minutes or so.

That means Brisbane will play Geelong and Sydney will play Port. Could end up being a Sydney Geelong grand final again and it will bring back memories of getting absolutely smashed by them in the grand final two or three years ago, whenever it was.

Well, we have to get there first and I will listen live a little more intently on Friday for sure.

Review your acts, Good and bad.

Donating a lot of clothes and pillows was appreciated by the folks doing the organising of the distribution. I hope that they end up getting to people who really need them. There may be a few villagers who end up with ni-hao! And SpeechOdd t-shirts that were too big for me.