Tag: 22 Grams

Since Candide – 27th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Since Candide, suffering continues

Existential anxiety remains

Unreconciled with our worldviews
And what our nature explains


Incoherent and senseless
Are we significant at all?
Absurdity undermines purpose
To applaud or to appeal?



To fill the void with meaning
The pursuit of pleasure or power

Afflicts society’s dreaming
Making all our thoughts sour


Down in deepest depression

Addiction rises to the fore

Ideology turns to aggression

The neurotic triad score


Put it all in order, truth

Beauty and justice to prevail

For the sake of creation, proof

There is no win or fail


Absurd joy par excellence
It’s in the act, the doing

The ephemeral quality of existence

Meaning worth pursuing


The love of nature, the love of art

An admiration of a story told

The love of work plays a part

That’s the love on which to hold



What is the meaning to be chosen?
The stance taken on this burden

A call to action thaws unfrozen

A decision made becomes certain



Courage and honour found

In the darkest circumstances

Thoughts and attitude profound

And Candide’s life advances

Inspired by this article on the meaning of suffering at Philosophy Now

Today I’m feeling:

Quite good after falling dead asleep again last night before 10.30. I woke up sometime earlier this morning, though with Fleetwood Mac stuck in my head for some reason. It could be worse, I guess.

Did a little exercise again, noticing that the little that I did yesterday already had me aching in the legs. It will be good to get back to that good ache, though.

By the afternoon, I could barely walk up stairs! I had run out of energy and motivation and left my last class mostly to their own devices, which they were happy enough with too.

I stopped taking any Tramadol a couple of weeks ago, not for any particular reason, I just figured I’d have kratom and give the T’s a miss and see how I felt and as I didn’t have any withdrawal dizziness as I usually experience (I guess I did still have dizziness though it seemed different somehow) I just ended up not taking it.

That could be part of the reason that I’m not quite so focused in my thoughts and a little more scattered than usual. It could also be part of the low energy and motivation situation, too.

Anyway, as I’m feeling reasonably mentally stable, I’ll keep going for a while longer and see if things balance out.

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

The sudden message to go and sign our financial documents means that we should get paid early next week. I’ve just about managed to make it through this month without having to ask for credit. This is the first time since November last year, after messing up my visa and having to pay a bunch of extra fees to fix it again.

The best thing about today was:

Getting some presentation lessons prepared during my first class, who were busy catching up with work for other classes (or sleeping) and I wasn’t particularly interested in teaching either.

The lessons are not especially exciting but they give the students more information to improve what they will present next semester. I plan for them to present often, so I don’t really have anything more to offer to teach them. Just get them practising.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

As I technically had classes for most of the day, I figured that I would spend a bit of time at the school when I had a chance but when I went there at around 11.30, they told me that they had no milk for my coffee!

Well, decision made – back to 22 Grams. I can’t make it my regular spot as it’s a little too far from school and I am really missing House. I hope Gui gets it together to clean up and open again for next semester!

Something I learned today?

Yesterday, when I was talking with Noah and Poppy, Stang also came up to listen in and he asked me if any of the teachers were my friends.

Er…yes, I said…though thinking to myself, well, not really. I mean, I’m fine with everyone but I wouldn’t call any of the teachers my friends.

Stang then asked why I don’t hang out with the teachers and as I was thinking about it, he added, ‘you like kids?’ to which the girls were shocked and laughed too.

I was thinking how to answer them and agreed that I actually prefer hanging out with the students because, for me, we are on the same level. I told them that I didn’t like the Thai style of the teacher being above and the student below and that they must defer all the time. They agreed and hate it too. They know it’s not right.

Also, as an aside to this, I know Stang had an ulterior motive in asking about this, as he pushes the boundaries to see how close he can get to me physically. I’ve felt this since I first met him in grade 7, and he is obviously trying to figure himself out and how to approach boys that he likes.

I’m happy that he feels comfortable trying that with me and it hasn’t gone too far. I’m not sure how he fits in with his classmates. He’s openly expressed his homosexuality but never heard any of his classmates discuss it in particular. He is a big kid too; not fat but tall and chunky.

As ever, it is fascinating to watch all these kids grow and mature.

In his class in the afternoon, I happened to wander in and Namkhing was sitting in a corner and I was struck by how suddenly her face had changed to be that of a young woman, whereas only seemingly last week she still looked like a cherubic schoolgirl.

Amy (on the left) took this picture because we were all waiting around to go into classrooms and she stole my camera from my pocket and started snapping away. Amy, me, Chompoo, Stang.

Please – 24th September 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Do you want to discover who you are
Or do you want someone else to tell you?
What is it gonna be?

Submitted to Weekend Writing Prompt #382 – Please (22 words)

My name in LandSat – just for a little fun:

Today I’m feeling:

Well slept and pretty good on waking. Not quite enough to get up a little earlier and do some exercise but at least I’m feeling better.

I got to school and because it has been raining, the kids aren’t out doing any more cleaning just yet. Much of the mud is clear now anyway.

We got advised to just send work in LINE to our classes, which essentially means that I could go back home but I’m at 22 Grams for now. I’ve set the kids some work to send me and so I’m back to catching up on reading and writing some more.

(Later) I got a little screen blind sitting, looking at my laptop all morning, so I headed home and did a little shopping.

When I got home, though, I couldn’t resist a little snooze after reading a little of David Foster Wallace’s Consider the Lobster. There was a big dark rain keeping things cool and I managed to snooze with just the window open.

Health:

Physical: 7
Mental: 7

Today I’m grateful for:

Receiving an email from Jake back in Australia, replying to an order he placed with me back in April!

He seems to be doing ok though, still dealing with some anxiety issues with certain people. I told him I still have my ups and downs, too.

The best thing about today was:

Discovering that we would have classes (of a sort) today, though we could just ‘phone them in’, allowing me to sit in the cafe and do my stuff.

It wasn’t as uplifting as yesterday and I think, as I’m caught up on a fair bit of reading and writing, I should switch to doing some more lesson planning for next semester.

I miss the chairs and tables at House that I have grown accustomed to, though. I’m not so comfortable at 22 Grams. I should also check out a different space or two tomorrow. Want to get that flow back again.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Out of the blue, KhaoTang called up Amy about having trouble with some class work at her school.

She was typically over the top, saying that she’s gonna die and it took a while for Amy to calm her down. KT has some kind of disorder from being smart and overweight and getting bullied when she was younger.

It was odd though, as we haven’t really talked with her often since early 2022 when Amy went off to Australia and we stepped back a bit from her and her mum as they brought too much drama to our quiet lives.

Amy got a little wound up by this latest drama but decided to help, which also involved me having to help.

It’s actually a typical Thai teacher situation that has created the problem for KhaoTang and once we got more information from her, we could understand more about how to help.

We asked her to redo her work again, now that she clearly understood the requirement and will check in on it tomorrow.

We like to help students and already have a kind of relationship with KT but she still exhibits a great lack of social skills that I’m pretty sure come from her upbringing (I don’t want to blame her mum completely).

It’s not uncommon here in Thailand either, as I have come across similar situations at my school too.

Something I learned today?

I read a lot, the info went into the brain and there it seems to be stuck. I guess there was nothing of particular significance today but hopefully that nugget of wisdom rattling around will find good use at some point.

I took this picture because this little cutie was chilling on top of a car outside 22 Grams.

What Kind Of Monster Are You? – 1st April 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 5 Comments

What kind of life is this?
Charged with electric dreams
Memories of distant joys
Fall apart at the seams

The horror is midnight real
Roaming these dark lanes
Only ever searching for love
For these stitched-together remains

Submitted to No Theme Thursday and NaPoMo.

Today I’m feeling:

Pretty good again.  Trying not to think too much about the events on this day last year.  We go on until we don’t.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to easily find the Chinese TV version of The Three Body Problem.  I’ll watch that over the holidays.

The best thing about today was:

Being able to sneak a coffee from 22 Grams this afternoon as we took Cap to get checked at the vet.  Still the best coffee in Chiang Rai for me.  

Cap’s blood levels are a little high for his kidneys now so we have to get him tested again in a couple of weeks.

Something I learned today?

I think it is at the UN that the USA is always found in breach of rules and they always launch an appeal.  

But appeals are never heard so that the USA doesn’t have to follow the rules until the appeal is over.  

Why are the appeals never heard?  Because since the last two appeals judges retired the USA has blocked the positions of any new ones.  

Hmm – and they call themselves part of the rules-based order.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I ordered a 32” globe for Amy as an anniversary gift.  I hope it isn’t too plastic and cheap-looking when it arrives.

I took this picture because yesterday the gardeners came and tried to trip our hedge so that we push the fence back up. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple and we’ll ask the builder who is coming to fix the drain in the garage soon.

Maybe It’s A Madness – 21st December 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Staring at the TV static
Hearing the song of the dishwasher
Hidden messages reveal themselves
To those who listen closer

The stars whisper in the wind
Words that make the shapes
Colours taste of iron and gold
The myth perpetuates

Maybe it’s a madness
But someone must be chosen
As the alien messenger
The guide for the gods

Today I’m feeling:

Definitely tired again and not from lack of sleep.  Still waiting to get over the hump of exhaustion brought on by exercise.  Thankfully just the one class in the morning today and I spent til midday running around to get documents together for my work permit again before heading home and a catch up nap.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nancy again, as I asked if she could get the medical certificate I needed for me again, like she did last time.  Otherwise it means me either waiting around or going back to the city after 6pm and the last time I did that the clinic didn’t even open.  Happily, she agreed.

The best thing about today was:

A third coffee at 22 Grams, after a couple earlier at House. It tasted delicious and spurred me to action to make some easy Quizizz for my classes tomorrow.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been trying to push my student Baipad to become more confident and independent but I can see now that she is not yet mature enough and is somewhat comfortable despite her frustrations.

I get it, at 14, we want independence AND everything handed to us on a plate. Sooner or later a rude shock awakens us.

It’s an interesting contrast that she knows girls a similar age as her back in her family village in the mountains and they are already having babies. We both agreed that that is not a good situation to be in but also highlights her somewhat comfortable life at home where a bed and a mobile phone are the main objects of her interest.

Something I learned today?

I still don’t have syphilis! I’m not sure why foreigners need to get tested for this to get a work permit.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

I made sure to encourage the students who were putting some effort into their work today. Once they got rolling with it, it was great to see. Some days they make me proud. Tomorrow may be a different story of course, but I’ll take it for today.

I took this picture because this is as Christmassy as we get here in Chiang Rai. This year, despite being two months into winter already, we’re still using aircon for a couple of hours at night.

My Cockroaches – 15th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Lizards are my cockroaches
Skittering everywhere
Hiding in dark corners
Always on a tear
Cats always chasing
Mostly without reward
Lizard shit on everything
Cannot be ignored
Second life and tailless
Laying eggs in sheets
Cute little babies run
And so it all repeats

We are so focused on improving our lives, we forget how to live them.

paraphrase Alan Watts

Today I’m feeling:
Happy
Today I’m grateful for:
Breaking routine and going to Sammakhi to meet Kamboom instead of going home straight after classes. Sometimes it takes an effort to get out of my comfort zone.
The best thing about today was:
Walking around Sammakhi with Kamboom and meeting a couple of other old students of mine. It was interesting to be on the grounds of another school and Kamboom is a good kid with a lot of potential and is in a good place to realise it. I also understand better that where I work isn’t so bad for the students when I consider that some of the old Anuban students are now at Sammakhi and they were very poorly skilled before. Sammakhi is supposed to be the better school but I imagine they also have to cater for a wide range of skill levels.
Daily thought
What are you in doubt about at the moment?
I doubt when I talk myself into it.
I have felt doubt about how things will be when Amy returns but when I’m thinking about it now I know everything will be fine.
I doubt myself on bad days at school but that turns around when the next day is fine. These doubts are good reminders though, not to take things for granted.
Who is your favourite singer or musical artist right now?
At my age, it is so difficult to answer a question like this. There’s too much information in my head, too many favourites from the past, from maybe yesterday to last week, year or decade. Why even force a decision like this? It’s a conversation question but not really a journal question. 20-year-old me wouldn’t even hesitate to answer this though. Is 55-year-old me smarter or wiser?

I took this picture because Don’s new puppy was at 22 Grams today and I haven’t met before. The same type of dog as Amy’s dad and just as bouncy and active.

Yard – 12th October 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

In between the cobblestones, dark and damp
Cities raise armies in dirty power games
Unseen except for curious men in the clouds
And relocated along with the rains

The world turns slow when not watched
No one pursues the moon across the sky
A violent vicious circle magnified
Inconsequential as it passes on by

The years teach much which the days never know.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today I’m feeling:

Happy and tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

The lady at Sensi Weed who explained about all the different types of weed and associated goods her shop had for sale. I bought a tea bag, a chocolate, 4 gummies and a gram of some weed. I ate a gummy tonight and feel a little lightheaded. Maybe try the tea tomorrow.

The best thing about today was:

Getting a backlog of things out of the way whilst drinking a couple of coffees at 22 Grams. I felt very relaxed and had a lot of patience whilst waiting for my students to perform at Central.

Do you eat red meat?

I haven’t eaten red meat for the last 40 years.

I took this picture because this is my student’s (Aum) dance group performing at Central in a competition. They struggled with nine people onstage. It was much easier for the groups of five. Sunwa also performed singing and dancing solo.

Happy Endings – 26th September 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Did you plan for this deflated feeling?
Post-orgasm jism dripping from the ceiling
In the cold light of day lies the rub
Impatiently waiting for the next rub and tug

Dopamine rushes are in high demand
Sex supply is in the dollars command
Is it really just money you’re spending
As you chase after another happy ending?

Culture is a perversion. It fetishes objects, creates consumer mania, it preaches endless forms of false happiness, endless forms of false understanding in the form of squirrelly religions and silly cults. It invites people to dimish themselves and dehumanise themselves by behaving like machines.

Terrance McKenna

Today I’m feeling:
Happy and contented.
Today I’m grateful for:
Not having anything specific to do at school so I could just hang out with the kids for a while and we could communicate as best we could in English, Thai and with translation. I could also get to 22 Grams for my favourite coffee, sit and read, write and prepare some lessons for next semester. Everyone was in a good state of mind.
The best thing about today was:
Was just the sheer enjoyment of being around my students and hearing them play and having fun with each other and then with me. Everywhere I go students wave and beckon me over and want to try and chat about something. It really gives me great pleasure to be a minor part of their lives. I can remember a time in the past talking to my friends about becoming a barista or even a teacher and they all thought that I would be a great teacher. I’m trying and I’m enjoying trying.

I took this picture because…actually, my student Anchan insisted on taking some selfies using my phone and this is one of the results. Feije, Jet, Anchan and me. There was good energy today.

Condemned – 5th November 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 15 Comments

Condemned to a life of luxury
Paranoia digs away respect
Seen through anger-coloured glasses
Your reality empowers neglect

Trapped in a downward spiral
Your happiness evaporating
Chased away all the pleasures
Now anxiously awaiting

30th Jan 2026 – Shared with Poets and Storytellers United #212 – luxury

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the coffee beans that came from all over the world to make my stronger coffee at 22 Grams yesterday. A really fruity flavour. I’m also happy and grateful to Bruno for paying for it this time.

A busy day running around, organising, getting everything prepared for my students to work by themselves next week so that they don’t need to attend class. I hope that enough students are self-motivated. It’s the first week so I guess I should give them a break but breaks are all they ever really get. I’d rather push them!

It’s great having students at school again. I love it when ones I don’t know try to talk with me or we can play around a little.

Lots of Covid cases around where we live at the moment. I don’t know what the future idea is. It seems inevitable that we will have to catch it one day. How do we manage that?

For instance, there have already been cases reported at school but there’s no protocol in place. Do we close the school? Close those classes with known contact? How many people have it undetected without symptoms? Have I had it already?

Of course, everyone is tired of the situation. Should we just get back to business as usual and accept the consequences?

We got that attitude! – 23rd April 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful that today I can grab coffee at 22 Grams in the city. We have to take Kim Chi to the vet, hopefully for the last time. Thankfully, she is starting to eat again and acting more like she normally does. Due to Covid, I haven’t been going out to have coffee so it’s a positive that 22 Grams is close to the vet.

The best thing about today was laying lazily in Amy’s arms (or she was in mine), naked, aircon dreaming, drifting, relaxing – purposefully relaxing. It was a very nice feeling once I could strip away things I had to do, supposed to do or wanted to do.