Super tired again. Yesterday I managed to resist an afternoon nap and I got to sleep OK, until Cap kept crying to go in and out of the bedroom and then to be fed. Happy to know that he has his appetite but I just want to sleep more!
Today I’m grateful for:
Amy and her family deciding to go for a fish lunch out in the rice fields. It was good to do something different though it was funny that they decided on the restaurant that Bruno and I went and tried as we were riding by a year or two ago.
Also to Kru Karn who offered me her shelf space in the teacher’s room to keep my things. I’ll do that for now but may move it to somewhere more suitable later.
The best thing about today was:
Reading more about the British Empire in Africa. It was interesting to read that there were people who abhorred the colonial treatment of other human beings at the time. Interesting in that nothing much has changed, sadly.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I haven’t been able to do any more lesson planning as I haven’t been able to get more information from Kru Mai about my classes yet. It’s a little frustrating as it is what we are supposed to be doing this week and now it means I will have to do more in the actual holiday time.
When I went to school just before lunch I found lots of people cleaning out the office space for Kru Puu who will stay in there in future. Unfortunately, this means moving my stuff out from there and also not being able to use it for one-to-one speaking exercises anymore. A lot of student’s work that I was keeping to look at later was also missing, presumably thrown out. Oh well. Nothing stays the same.
Something I learned today?
I just got sent a video by Noey. It was of me riding the wrong way at the traffic lights (to save time) as I was out getting a tub of ice cream at the 7-11. She must have been on her bike at the traffic lights going in the other direction.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I messaged a few more students today and had little conversations of encouragement with them.
I took this picture because this was the view from our restaurant table at lunch time.
No longer trapped under the weight of the memories A hand raised to the sky, victorious and defiant Understanding the fall, seekers of the truth Now standing tall and becoming self-reliant The dirt in the mind gave birth to the seeds That grew everything to satisfy these needs
Today I’m feeling:
A little lethargic and somewhat bewildered that finally, the time has come to get on a plane again. Last night’s mala dinner is twisting my guts up and I’m hoping they settle down soon as I’m worried a coffee will be the instant trigger for action that I don’t need.
Today I’m grateful for:
The 49 baht 7-11 fried fish in lemongrass microwave meal that served as lunch and dinner. It was super tasty and not too filling.
The best thing about today was:
Due to the nature of the day, there has not been a lot going on. I did some online reading, some YouTube watching, my usual two coffee morning, a nap (nondescript but pleasurable), and checking and double checking my things, with a constant feeling of having forgotten something.
One thing making me laugh right now is a girl sitting opposite me, late teen or early twenties but her legs don’t reach the ground and she’s shaking her legs back and forth like a child might. When was the last time I felt like dangling legs or skipping just for the fun of skipping?
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
With travelling in the evening I often don’t enjoy the day as I just have an anxious feeling of anticipation. It’s always in the back of my mind that it’s very important that I’m in a certain place at a certain time.
(evening) I must remember never to get coffee at Black Canyon. It reminds me of several coffees I threw away in England. With modern technology, it should not be possible to make a beverage that tastes so bad.
Something I learned today?
I was surprised when Nong Aing saw my open bag and said ‘Is that all I’m taking?’ 3/4 of the bag is souvenirs, and the rest are my clothes. I figure it’s enough but… Obviously, I don’t pack like a girl but now I’m worried. The idea is to have space to bring back more of Amy’s things. The bag only weighed 15kg in the end and my carry-on is just a jacket and a book.
When was the last time I trusted my intuition?
I seem to have pretty good intuition about my students and can pick up when something is not right. Often they can’t tell me though because their English level is not high enough. They also seem to have good intuition about me and if they can express themselves they are happy to come to me for advice.
I guess I had to trust my intuition that I would be okay here in Thailand, both when we came together and then to stay by myself whilst Amy went back to enjoy Australia some more.
What is my intuition telling me now? I’m hoping but not hopeful that Amy can find some happiness here in Thailand and if she can’t that she will go back and forth between here and wherever she wants to explore. My intuition tells me that I will be okay with whatever comes next.
I took this picture because Tangmo came to visit, looking somewhat reticent at the decision he’d made to jump into the stream. I think he was scared to go home. He was still here a couple of hours later and I found what looked like a snake bite on his leg. I went over and got the old uncle, who walked Mo back home. Hope they take him to the vet. Otherwise, he may not be here when we get back.
Under the waterline Is where dignity remains Invisible to others The pleasure and the pains
Behind the smile Is where the psyche trains Inside the mind Words to the self explains
Not all thunder Brings along the rains Under the waterline Are made the unseen gains
Today I’m feeling:
Slept well last night and feel ok today though not particularly motivated. I’m hoping that will return next week when the kids are back at school.
Today I’m grateful for:
7-11 food. Although I’m a little negative about 7-11 because there are way too many stores nearby I’m glad that they at least give me an alternative for a quick microwave meal that can stave off my hunger.
The best thing about today was:
Dropping by to see Bruno and Nut and being offered lunch. It was good to catch up with them though they were hungover from a long day of drinking yesterday. They were feeling a bit slow and I didn’t really have much to update them with so I didn’t stay for too long. It made me realise that I’m not used to communicating after five weeks being mostly at home by myself. I know my mood will lift once I see my students again.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
On Telegram today I got a notification that my old colleague at the cafe in Woolworths, Joy had just joined so I sent a message saying hello. I got a reply but it seems like it’s not her and I got an angry message asking if I was a scammer. It got me thinking that we have years and years of old contact numbers kept in our phones and computers that many people will have gotten new numbers and then after a few years those old numbers get recycled. What feels like a strange world that we live in will just feel normal to the younger generations and then one day they will get to feel like this too.
Something I learned today
I started with the Thai app again mainly just to busy my brain. I also want to try and do a little more meditation again so registered again with Smiling Mind.
What is something I wish I had known when I was younger?
Everything, obviously. There’s no point wishing for something that can’t happen.
This is my cartoon face. Or more precisely, a younger me’s cartoon face. I’ll do a current one soon.
Is this narrative true Or just what you want to hear? If everything is obscured It surely can be made clear Is this narrative a lie Or what you choose to believe? When lies are lies and lies are truth It’s manifest to deceive
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
Aristotle
Today I’m feeling: Pretty good. A little antsy but not for any particular reason. Today I’m grateful for: The new 100-watt light bulb above me that means I can read a bit more comfortably again. The last one didn’t last for long. The best thing about today was: Riding my pushbike to Utopia this morning. Nice temperature, cloudy and little traffic. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? Amy needed some money to buy wine at the shop as she couldn’t pay by card so she came and asked me to get some cash out for her. In the evening the same thing happened at 7-11. We share our money so it’s not that big a deal but it was something that we couldn’t control at the time though because we were together the solution was quick and easy so Amy didn’t have any frustration. What are you most thankful for? This seems obvious but I’m most thankful to be alive. I wouldn’t be anything otherwise.
I took this picture because I find this building incredibly interesting. It looks like it’s from a Ghibli movie. I’m not sure if it’s a hotel or a student dorm. I took this a couple of days ago up by the stupa. No photos at all today!
You are a nice and pleasant person Loath to admit or examine your dark side As your fallibilities may worsen Deep insecurities, desires to hurt people Fantasies of revenge, suspicious of others Your hunger for power and attention Attempts to place you above your brothers This dark side haunts your dreams Leading to inexplicable depression And blame laid on circumstances As you fail to understand the lesson
inspired by a Robert Greene piece from Daily Laws
If their work is satisfying, people don’t need leisure in the old-fashioned sense. No one ever asks what Newton or Darwin did to relax, or how Bach spent his weekends.
J.G. Ballard
Today I’m feeling: Happy Today I’m grateful for: The new frozen veggie microwave meal option at the 7-11. It wasn’t bad and at 45 baht pretty reasonable too. The best thing about today was: 2 hours guitar? 3rd day in a row walking to Utopia? Golden hour bike ride again? Finish watching After Life? The sounds, the smells, everything… What would your life be like without music? Could it even be called a life? Music is everywhere. Imagine no music! We have it so I guess it’s possible to imagine not having it. What do we not have then, what things unimagined yet? I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have music in their life somehow. Everyone must in some way or another.
I took this picture because I waited for golden hour again to go for a ride but just to counter sunburn rather than for good pictures. However, I was lucky enough to get some good pictures too.
What would I have been with you? All I’ve ever known is without Can I lay the blame at your door For my years of anxiety and doubt? And if you had been here Would I have just followed your lead? Adopted a view of the world In which we both had agreed Not knowing what may have been I can only compare with others I never knew you but I miss you My father, sisters and brothers
When people learn – as I doubt they will – that they can’t get something for nothing, crime will diminish and we shall all live in greater harmony.
Joseph Weil
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I managed to buy some food yesterday afternoon looking around the shops and stalls two times without finding anything that got me salivating. Just a 7-11 microwave rice and a pack of salad but it was just what I needed.
Thailand reminds me of the free festivals I attended occasionally in the UK in the mid to late 80s. There’s a chaotic order and unspoken civility but one that borders on the edge of disintegration at all times. Whilst everything goes well for everyone concerned things go on as usual. But things don’t always remain that way and then will be the true test of one’s mettle. Sometimes the rush of blood from my head, as I stand up too quick, reminds me of that wafer-thin barrier between reality and insanity.
At the moment, Thailand is far more beautiful at night, when the rough edges are hidden in darkness. The smoky haze of the day’s white skies now unseen, along with the mosquitoes that suck on your sweaty ankles.
The days are full of dust and dirt. Individual abodes may gleam and glitter powered by personal responsibility but the bits in between are left to rot and ruin. Construction is everywhere, as in all developing countries, ignorant of the political decisions made in far-off lands. I try not to keep up with the news of the world but the stupidity of the American presidency is hard to ignore, like a train wreck in super slow motion. I know enough about Thai politics to not talk about it. I am the stranger in the strange land and that suits me fine.
Politics…..
We avoided any house stresses by taking a quick trip to Chiang Mai. This was its own small test of my driving skills. Whilst puttering around the city of Chiang Rai is a pleasant enough affair, the open road, full of its mountainous twists and turns, is a different beast altogether.
Tail-gaters desperately seek advantage and pull out at any opportunity and decide they will ‘go for it’ if there is even an inch of space. All this at high speeds that even had me bemused at how fast I was going. Amy and I whooped and hollered at one particular basket case who we hoped to see crash in a fiery ball of petrol and oil but instead, everyone acquiesced and moved aside and let the danger advance to be somebody else’s problem.
Settling into the drive, it is quite a pleasant trip through some nice forest and jungle, offering some nice views when you may afford a brief glance away from the road. After three hours though I was happy at the approach of Chiang Mai.
The city has grown considerably since my first visit and I must confess my dislike of it now. It sprawls and crawls, taking its dusty entrails out into the paddy fields, eating up new villages as it goes. We were lucky enough to be heading out into those edges though, to meet our friends from Sydney past.
Jess is one of Amy’s best friends and she was staying with her aunt and cousin. It took us a long while to find the location but once there it was an oasis of frangipanis and beautifully cut grass. A big main house and steps leading to what was until recently a small and very popular restaurant. So popular in fact that Jess’s aunt was on TV just a few days previously talking about the construction and design.
Two dogs, one in its autumn years, the other a bouncy teenager, sniffed at us and the younger one was warned not to get too excited. Aunt Siripan advised that sometimes he can get aggressive for no reason as I would discover several times through the evening. Though he never bit he would snarl and bark, teethed bared and scarily so. But a few seconds later he would be calm and look up at me with a sorrowful face. It was shocking and amazing to see. One second I was expecting a bleeding arm and the next I’m in love with this pup’s dopey eyes and soon after scratching his belly again, prompted by a paw offering.
Auntie’s food was amazing as expected. She had spent a fair amount of time in different parts of the world, including England, even speaking with a stronger English accent than myself. She spoke a very deliberate and thoughtful Queen’s English which was impossible not to like. We were regaled with stories of her life and past times, though saddened by the sudden death of her husband last year, which eventually saw her overwhelmed with the task of running a successful restaurant solo.
She was now reviewing her plans for the future but still in obvious mourning for that close comfort and steady hand of guidance of a partner. She commented that if she died now she would die happy with her life as it was but I encouraged her to consider that if she lives until she is 100 she still has another third of her life ahead of her.
Our evening was enjoyed with other Sydney friends, all now scattered worldwide, Lekky and Steve and Lena. We were so happy with our time there that inevitably Jess was asking us to leave as she was tired and wanted to go to bed. Jess is the bright shiny smile as she awaits food, but once filled just wants to slip away and retire.
We cheered everyone off as Amy and I headed over a suburb or two to stay with her old high school friend Oh, around midnight. Amy wasn’t quite done for the night though and got Oh to ride to the 7-11 to get more alcohol. So it was at 2am we finally go to bed with plans for a late meet up with Jess and her dad the following morning.
That done, we headed back over the mountains for the quick return journey. Exhausted I was by the day’s end but finished off nicely with a full and fancy dinner with an ice cold beer.
So it was for the next couple of days, us totally escaping the realities of our house build, a mini-holiday, a quick trip via a tea plantation into Myanmar, to get me a new leave-by-date in my passport and to score ridiculously cheap malt whisky that I just hope is real when I get to open it in our new house…..one day!
1994ever 