I am me, you are you
What we see, what we do
In a box and it’s all done
But you are not one

I say it, you do too
Making me, making you
Pigeonholed to belong
But you are not one

In our heads, a sum of parts
Stand divided, fool our hearts
A long road to what we become
Because you are not one

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And you’re so desperate to see the lights that you don’t dare think about what’s going on in the dark.

from Troubled Souls by Garth Ennis and John McCrea

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Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to Baew and Mee for bringing Amy home safe and sound last night after their Christmas Party. They are good friends.

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Prepare for adversity! It seems the school is attempting to stop teachers from leaving the school again, so I may have to concede my coffee time at House, at least for a while. OK – I know I will have to accept this for now. Let’s see how we go! I’m writing this because I know I can get myself worked up about it because it’s dumb. I get much more work done when I am at House. Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Yesterday afternoon and evening I really enjoyed a very chill day watching TV and reading. My eyes got tired and a little kratom put my body and mind into a blissful transition towards a fabulous, long, deep sleep.

I feel refreshed today and will start resetting my alarm back 5 minutes every day or two until I get back to 6.10 or 6.00 and get back on the abs regimen. The pizza and beer on the weekend saw a weight increase of 800g but I think I’ll be back under 76.5 again soon. Still heading towards that 75kg goal I set a while back but really now I’m more concerned with getting the last of the fat off my belly and chest.

Do you feel old for your age? Young for your age? Just right? Are you in step with your peers?

I feel young for my age, about 20 years behind, maybe even 30! I was thinking the other day about George and me being comfortable around younger people, but I think for very different reasons. For George, he is easily able to control younger people around him. They look up to him as a guide, as I once did too.

For me, I am comfortable around younger people (not necessarily young, I’m talking about up to Amy’s age) because I find them inspiring for myself. As I watch them growing, I understand more about myself. Their energies and excitements, filled with curiosity, are exciting to me. Perhaps it makes me feel somewhat superior and that is an ego boost but this is not a conscious thing. Yes, I can see where people are heading towards mistakes but I also see them find their way out of them too.

As with everyone, it is not just about age. I can see many teenagers and 20-year-olds who do not inspire or enthuse, just as I can find others older than me, still growing and learning. For me, this is a life well spent.

Am I in step with my peers? Well, I find it difficult to identify my peers. Who are they? It can’t just be people my age. And living here in Thailand, maybe still finding peers (local? farang?) blurs things further.

The auntie across the road told Amy that she couldn’t believe that I was older than her husband. We’ve never talked but she said that my actions are of a much younger person. I dunno, I get pleasure out of playing with their dog and sometimes their cat and I’m generally doing things at a more speedy pace than the locals. It’s not just a physical thing.

But again, there are some things I generally don’t like to do, things I consider may be making a fool of myself! Interesting to think about what we decide constitutes making fools of ourselves. I still won’t sing karaoke unless I’m drunk! Why is it ok then? Haha – I don’t know!