Tag: aging
At first, it was my taste buds failing
Said And Done Again – 31st December 2024
A reckoning with my younger self,
nostalgia or all a nonsense?
We should want to change the world,
guided by our conscience;
As the crossroads multiply,
direction becomes obscured;
Pulled along on divergent tides,
wildly thrashing, unmoored;
Ideals discarded to the wind,
just another day to survive;
Waking up to realise
the destination will soon arrive;
A reckoning born of experience
as ideals began to wane;
Everything ever said and done
will be said and done again.
30th May 2025 – Shared with Poets and Storytellers United #179 – starting over
A Suitcase Of Memories – 13th August 2024
Now my head is empty
Were the memories even mine?
I want to go back…
The comfort ahead is too appealing
I want to go back
I desperately want another go
Damn this one-way track
Damn the compelling glow
The first time I heard the seagull’s sigh…
Submitted to No Theme Thursday (and the attached picture)
Today I’m feeling:
Super tired as I definitely didn’t catch up on any missed sleep from Sunday night. Never mind. I’ll have to try tonight.
I was looking forward to sitting down with some coffee and free time when my grade 9 students called me and asked to move their class from the afternoon to this morning again.
As this kinda suits me too, leaving the afternoon free, I rushed back and we went in search of a free room, ending up in the library.
Health:
Physical: 6
Mental: 7
Today I’m grateful for:
Nong Kratae for helping out Anchan as much as she can. It may not be much and it may not be enough for Anchan but Kratae is offering some hope at least. I will have to think of something that I can do for her as thanks one day. And I will ask Anchan for suggestions and if she can contribute in some way too.
The best thing about today was:
I felt my health improve a little over the day, especially mentally. Somehow, being at school is picking me up mentally, whilst seemingly running me down physically.
I was particularly energised after my grade 8 class finished at 12.30 but I didn’t leave school for another 45 minutes as various groups of students came to distract me, wanting to chat.
Something I learned today?
After much hassling from my students, I installed Instagram and TikTok and have been trying to work out how they work and if they are even remotely useful for me.
I still don’t quite get them or how they work. At the end of the day, I just want to use this software to stay in contact with my students in the future.
Review your acts, Good and bad.
As I was contemplating being able to finish early and go home, Anchan messaged me asking to go with her to Nong Kratae’s for the first time today this afternoon.
I guess as I wasn’t due to finish until 4.30 pm anyway, then it’s not a big deal and I’m hanging around at House catching up on reading and writing. Trying to get my brain back into poem-writing mode after a few days away from writing.
Endless Teapot – 24th April 2024
The bright lights of obscurity
Are following me around
But I’m the one doing it
You’re nowhere to be found
The purpose or the point
Discovered in the doing
And when one thing is done
There’s always more brewing
Submitted to NaPoMo
Today I’m feeling:
Lazy to get up but I’m enjoying the ache in my body from exercise. I’m already reminiscing about the lost time of this holiday despite actually being more productive than last year. I’ve got into the groove of taking it easy and am now feeling anxious about getting busy again in the next couple of weeks. Though I know well that I can deal with it easily enough.
Today I’m grateful for:
A brief small storm at around 7pm that whilst not hanging around for long meant a drop in temperature that even allowed us to turn the aircon off for a while!
The best thing about today was:
Tigger coming for cuddles about 7 or 8 times. He’s getting more affectionate with his age.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I didn’t get a chance to read more of my book today as I ended up busy with other things. I did get some comic reading in and a chapter from another book that I delve into every now and then.
Something I learned today?
A US senator was complaining that a bag of steel brackets needed for weaponry was costing 90,000 dollars. A Chinese seller responded offering to sell the same thing for 8 dollars! And the reality is that US Defence spending from Chinese sources has quadrupled over the last few years. So the US military is becoming dependent on parts for war with China that are….made in China!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I sent Anchan a little more money so that she can get back to Chiang Rai as she is stuck in a village outside Chiang Mai at the moment.
I helped Amy moving around some furniture on the terrace as she wanted to change it up. It looks good and change is good.
Did you do something difficult or challenging today?
Despite the last two days of not enjoying playing guitar I picked it up again for about 20 minutes and was a little happier with my ability.
What are my thoughts on growing older?
In the last couple of years, I’ve enjoyed the wisdom that age has brought me but recently, with the feeling of time disappearing too quickly, I’m pining for the days of boredom I used to endure as a teenager.
Too much knowledge is a dangerous thing? I know it’s just the way of looking at it. Perhaps I am bored now but don’t really know it?
It can’t be helped to wonder about being able to live your life over again but now I have to take a positive attitude with me with what remains.
Overflow – 21st April 2024
I’m pouring rainbows down on you
Until your cup is filled
You’ll overflow with a love so true
It can never be killed
All your seeds will bear fruit
In fields never to be tilled
Joy spread deep from the root
A life spent fulfilled
Submitted to No Theme Thursday picture prompt, Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – Flow and NaPoMo.
Today I’m feeling:
Pretty good after a long sleep from the day of travelling yesterday. Should be a relaxing day ahead.
Today I’m grateful for:
Aircon. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this but today was freaking unbearable outside between 10am (when I woke up) and around 6pm. Even just going to the kitchen or bathroom was a chore. It’s going to be hotter this coming week too!
The best thing about today was:
I didn’t do much to speak of today though when the sun did finally relent I enjoyed watering the parched earth in the garden.
Something I learned today?
Charles Cunningham Boycott (12 March 1832 – 19 June 1897) was an English land agent whose ostracism by his local community in Ireland gave the English language the term boycott.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I gave Art and Noey some gifts of candy that I picked up at the market in Chiang Saen yesterday.
What’s a recent realization I’ve had about myself?
I’m starting to BE old. I’m not in need of thrills or excitement so much these days.
I think I realised this when I think about travelling overseas. When I think about going somewhere with Amy I’m not so interested in planning things to do and where to go.
When I see people in places on YouTube videos I think that might be nice to go and see but I’ve just seen it pretty well. I would be taking the same photos every other traveller has taken. I feel like I may not be able to savour it deep into my soul like I might have done before. I’m much more amenable to just getting on a tour bus and letting others deal with logistics.
Having said that I’m still interested in organising a tour for a band around Southeast Asia and dealing with the stress of that, perhaps because the shows would give me the drive and inspiration I’d need.
Perhaps this is not a great realisation but has crossed my mind more recently.
The Expected Surprise – 17th December 2023
Raise a toast from the bottle of heartbreak
Tears mist the eyes of dead teenage butterflies
These wounds become a comfort given time
Waxing poetic about the expected surprise
These are the happy things, preparing for grief
The painful goodbyes in the rear-view mirror
Bigger, brighter things are on the way to love
Slowly, gently, this will all become clearer
Butchered, mangled, inspired by this post at Spinning Visions
Submitted to #Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge Expect
Today I’m feeling:
A little lazy. I was going to get up with my alarm but still sleepy, Amy almost shouted at me from her bed, getting up, where are you going….? Jesus, let me wake up a little! I brushed my teeth, took a piss and got back into bed for another hour of sleep where I had a dream about us being able to drive on a piece of A4 paper as if it was a car!
Today I’m grateful for:
The trees that Amy’s mum planted on our land years before we came here and have grown to provide great shade from the sun but now have gotten so big that their roots threaten to cause problems to the foundations of our buildings. We will cut four and I hope the remaining three will be able to grow faster and stronger to provide shade again into the spaces that will be left.
The best thing about today was:
Having a tidy garden again once the gardeners had finished their work, the smell of cut grass wafting through the house.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I’ve noticed (again) that I don’t really like being in my man cave so much – it’s not quite comfortable for me and whereas in the living room of our house I feel like I am centred, in my room I feel like I am on the periphery. It’s only a remove of about six metres but it makes all the difference.
I’m having to force myself to go there to get certain things done and figuring out ways to do other things back in the living room without having all my stuff scattered around. This is a compromise of Amy’s return to our home.
Something I learned today?
An avocado is a berry.
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
I wished Noey a happy holiday as this will be the last time I see her at Utopia until next year.
I bought an onion in the local market and thanked the lady who commented that I spoke good Thai.
I nodded appropriately to the gardener who explained what they would do to our trees though I only caught a few words. I could understand the gist especially when he pointed at some leaves that looked like they were getting eaten by some bug.
I did the washing this morning, hung it out and brought it back in in the evening.
I shampooed Tigger’s head as he is getting the scabs again that he got last year around this time. He wasn’t happy but accepted his fate well enough and of course, went outside as soon as he could and rolled around in the dirt again. He really loves our home.
What changes did I experience this year?
The biggest change has been at home of course, with Amy being back in the house, cleaning up and bossing me around.
Other changes have been more subtle, such as my slow improvement to health and fitness. Also my adjustment in confidence when riding the motorbike since coming off it.
And if I look closely I can see signs of my skin sagging a little around my cheeks and neck as my I struggle with gravity. Even lying down can’t help.
Crow’s Feet – 19th August 2023
A survey of the skin
Tells our stories
A book held within
Full of old glories
The cut, once blood
When tears did run
Baked on, caked on mud
Drying in the sun
Each crevice and crack
Formed from laughs and cries
Can never be turned back
No matter how many tries
Botox babies and teens
Scared to take a fall
Fear what it all means
When it means not much at all
10th May 2024 – Shared to dVerse OLN
Today I’m feeling:
Slept early last night and got up early ready to go for a ride with Bruno, up to Doi Chang.
I was too early for Utopia but felt pumped to be going on a long ass ride. Once getting into the mountains the cool clean air tickled my nose with the now-familiar smells of fresh growth foliage and flowers. All the food stalls around added to the perfume and even the small fires around reminded me of camping trips from days gone by.
It was a joy to be out there today.
Today I’m grateful for:
Bruno being the way he is and leading us to accidentally drink civet-shit coffee overlooking a glorious long valley view.
The owners also gave us a fresh avocado with local honey and Bruno asked if they had any more to which he was told sure, just go pick them. They went off under the terrace and picked up 4 or 5 big cricket balls from high up using a net on a 3-metre bamboo pole. I love that Bruno will just go and do what takes his fancy and it always ends us up in interesting situations
The best thing about today was:
The ride down from Doi Chang and through Doi Wawee was just beautiful and Wawee especially was a pretty village. The school had just let out students at midday and we drove up past the gates. The school is magnificent, sculpted up the hillside, and looks impeccable. All the kids were happy and playful as they tumbled out down the hill.
Riding through these places made me reflect a bit more on my place in Thailand and as a teacher. I can understand more about the teacher’s and the student’s apathy when I see the places where they live and the lack of opportunities and ambition around them. I give them a hard time to make the best of themselves and now I recognise those soft faces looking up at me quietly expressing, ‘What’s the point?’
Once on the road back to Mae Chan, I got stuck behind a van with about ten school students stuffed in the back along with various packages, parcels and goods. They were all happily, lazily chatting and looking at their phones, perhaps just being in the happy childhood state of not knowing what is going to happen next, where they are going or what they will do when they arrive.
In opposition, all I wanted to do was overtake the van but the roads were too twisty to be able to get around. I just wanted to get home to where I knew exactly everything that will happen. I wished I could go back to that state of happiness that comes from interruptions to boredom, saying yes to anything, just to hang out a bit longer.
When I was like that I was usually the last one home.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I thought I would struggle with not having my usual two morning coffees but for some reason, I was just psyched to be riding and didn’t really want to stop anywhere until we got ‘there’, wherever the next ‘there ‘ was.
At the end of the 7-hour ride, covered in mud, dirt and dust I dropped into Utopia for coffee finally and they all wondered why I hadn’t been in the morning.
Something I learned today?
I learned that civet shit coffee tastes smooth but is overpriced and overrated.
What was I like as a child?
The same as I am now but less grown up….in effect, I am still a child, it is just that I have learned how to handle adult responsibilities.
Writing For Myself – 25th May 2023
The words I write, they are for me
Sure to be making assumptions
We are brothers and sisters in arms
(and anyone that cares to fall between)
Sometimes listening to the wind
Eases my burden, settles my heart
The hard code of my heart
Has been passed along for generations
back to the dawn of time
Now at this time of life, whenever it is
Let’s hope the engine keeps running
I only stop learning to rest my eyes
Things long gone are encoded and not forgotten
Whatever is coming towards me
Is all a part of nature’s play
A paraphrasing of section 1 of Walt Whitman’s Song For Myself
2nd May 2024 – Submitted to dVerse
Today I’m feeling:
Like I had a long day with three two-hour classes. I enjoy the days filled with work just as much as the days with little to do. I don’t really have a chance to think about how I’m feeling until I get home, have a cold shower and rest my aching legs. By that time I’m happy with the work being completed.
Today I’m grateful for:
Kru Tongjai for offering to write some instructions for my classes in Thai to help sort out the login problems I was having with Quizizz. She said she would do it at around midday. However during my classes that morning I figured out how to fix the problem myself and finally understood how it worked. When I saw her in the afternoon I told her I had sorted it out and she was happy because she had gotten called away to do something else too. I’ve learned to trust in things working out in time but this one was getting me worried as all my lessons are arranged around using the website. As I’ve been looking deeper into the website reporting I am also seeing more and more great options for the classroom. So I am grateful to Quizizz too.
The best thing about today was:
As mentioned above, figuring out fixing that problem felt pretty good. Along with that was some welcome rain and a continued good feeling amongst the students at school.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Finding out my student lists are all messed up was a bit annoying but then I remembered that this happens every year. One upside of this was figuring out who students were by their student ID numbers stitched onto their uniforms in Thai script. I need to learn how their numbers are written.
Something I learned today?
Looking at what I’ve written already I can see that I’ve learned many things today that are at least of some use in my day-to-day life. Maybe not substantial life-changing knowledge but useful at least.
What changes am I experiencing in my life right now?
Some physical changes due to aging such as getting tired more easily and not being able to get all my pee put easily. Will the upside of that be that I won’t suffer incontinence though maybe kidney stones instead?
As to mental changes, I believe I am still learning and getting smarter each day. I think I’m happier as I age too, the irony of which is not lost on me.
As to life in general I don’t feel like there are any significant changes really. Nothing beyond what I can expect. There will be a change soon enough when Amy gets back in October which will have to be dealt with but I feel confident we will work things out for the best.
Looking Good – 9th January 2022
This shiny apple, so appetising
Fools your sense without realising
Inside, the maggots, breeding more
In fact, it is rotten to the core
We sold the apple, sold it well
From the outside, no one can tell
This analogy can be multiplied
Across your beautiful nation wide
Within is decay, or already dead
No matter all the pretty words said
A conspiracy in which we all take part
Only the truth can fix this heart
Fuck the fuck off back to where you fucked on from.
Ricky LeFleur, Trailer Park Boys
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to the lady that gave me a 2-hour massage yesterday. It was painful but awesome and I’m still in pain now, but awesome now!
I slept super well last night after a spoonful of kratom and feel great this morning, though I’m too early for Tha Sut and no cafes are open yet, so I’m back here writing.
Yesterday was relaxed but the time disappeared quickly. In the morning, Amy and I took Na up to the university cafe for her English lesson and it was good to go somewhere different. Na was very sweet when she said that she will miss Amy.
After lunch, I watched the Youth Brigade/Stern Brothers documentary, which was pretty inspiring and reminded me that I also wanted to start a Better Youth Organisation in Dorset. I didn’t know what I was doing, just as the Sterns admitted but I wonder turn my life would have been like if anyone had responded to my leaflet to do something more like that.
After that, it was time for a deliciously painful massage that loosened up a few places in my body and made me contemplate my future with my hips. Will I need some kind of operation at some point? What can I do now to delay that possibility?
I left Amy in the city to meet her friends and came back to watch some TV bits and pieces and chill out with kratom and before you know it, the day’s gone.
Today we’ll go shopping and hopefully not much else. Life is great.
Conduit – 24th December 2021
You’re just a filter for fine foods and wine
You get a hold of it and say, “it’s mine”
Consumers of more, you’ve got it all
And it’s lonely at the top of the fall
An empty vessel, a temporary fill
Sieved away and now it’s empty still
If you hold too long it becomes a block
Account your life by taking stock
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my wheat bag and microwave to help me with my aching neck. It’s a comfort more than a help.
Now that the winter solstice has passed, it already feels as if the sun rises much earlier and the weather a degree or two warmer. The inertia of this rolling planet is building into the next storm of heat.
I talked with Amy last night about stopping work again and she joked (maybe) about in ten months, after the new laptop I’ve ordered is paid off. I only actually need the laptop for work. If I weren’t working then the computer I have would be fine. Anyway, I would love to stop working in ten months time – if not sooner!
I would miss the kids so much though and I would definitely miss watching them grow and develop into adults. Whatever they choose to do with their lives.
Tomorrow we will go with Amy’s parents to Singha Park to eat pizza. Maybe I’ll have a beet. That’s my Christmas!
I read an interesting interview yesterday from a blog called Oldster – talking to people about how they feel and deal with getting older. I am thinking about the same kind of things. The questions and the interviewees’ answers were very interesting. I thought I should try and interview myself and answer the questions here.
Is there another age you associate with yourself in your mind? If so, what is it? And why, do you think?
I think I really only associate myself with me as am now. Sometimes I remember things I’ve done and they feel like they happened to someone else. Like a movie or a dream.
There are two points in my life that profoundly impacted me and those memories are clear and strong but they feel like they happened to a different version of me (which they did, really). I can’t be that person again or would even want to be but I do feel nostalgic for the pleasant feeling I had during those times, which felt few and far between as they were happening during my teenage years. That is my first age (nostalgic age).
I was a ball of contradictory confusion. I was often miserable and uncertain about anything. Then I was also looking for happiness and was confident in my selfishness. I wouldn’t wish to go through those times again, except with the wisdom I have now.
The other age in my mind is from meeting Bronwyn around 1992 until around 2002. That age was really what I would say built on my foundations of youth. It wasn’t really until I came out of that that I truly discovered who I am. I’m still not always happy with that person but I found acceptance through all my experiences.
So these two stages are really my main growth stages and they stick out to me for that reason. Now, I feel that I am in a constant state of growth and it is not so much defined by a specific time. In my mind, I am still an adventurous 20-year-old as a somewhat wiser 54-year-old.
1994ever 