“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
I am so happy and grateful for Aing and Manow for taking care of our house and cats whilst we were away. Aing is a responsible friend who we can trust and it is by chance that we met when I advertised free English lessons for uni students and she was one of only a couple who responded. I’m also still in contact with the other, K.P., so that was a worthwhile chance to take at the time.
I am so happy and grateful for a day off work today. I was a bit tired yesterday – perhaps from working out too much and not enough protein – something I should fix. So I was beat when I got home and just watched TV and slept early – a nice long sleep.
I missed a day (of writing) because I didn’t come into my room yesterday evening – just lazed, watching TV and reading and then slept a lot – was even more tired.
I was fluctuating between happy and depressed depending on how I read into people’s reactions to me. I didn’t feel fully in control.
Today is a day off – now today has a day off for Chinese New Year and the urging to get people to go out and spend money again. There’s another long weekend in a couple of weeks too!
The best thing about today was meeting Aing and Manow again – it feels like a long time since we last saw them. Aing said she misses her old gang of boys (Nu, Gus and Mink) – her new gang is all girls and ladyboys. Nothing stays the same.
I enjoyed picking weeds our of the grass as the ground is still soft from the soaking earlier this week. My hands smell of green and dirt.
I’m also happily getting better at guitar – very slowly but I can see and hear the progress. I’m still enjoying the process. Slowly, slowly.
I am so happy and grateful to my young uni student female friends who are strong independent women. I’m happy to know them and they give me hope for the future.
This lovely pup belongs to some workers at our school. He has a broken back and has to drag his back legs along the ground. He also can’t control his pee and poo. But he’s a happy dog still. The owner seemed to indicate it was himself who ran over the dog to cause its broken back, though we may have missed something in translation. Either way, he seems to be taking reasonable care of him now. His coat is clean and healthy at least.
I would still like to buy him some wheels though.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for these lovely plants in our teacher’s room. They give a great feeling of welcoming and sharing and comfort.
9th Aug 2022 – picture now lost to time (digital lack of care!)
Brain dump
Mid-June, mid-year already, all plans changed but life remains mostly the same. Hüsker Dü – I Will Never Forget You – I don’t know why. Why Hüsker Dü – why do I know all these obscure songs that no one is really interested in these days? Never mind – it’s my life.
Cooler days – wet days, rain. Sticky still – first mini exercise in days got blood flowing, heart rate up, under 80 kg. Can I stay? Get rid of belly fat – still too much. Get a belly like Bruno but that guy has so much nervous energy.
Yesterday was amusing. Life Of Brian reference into Life Of George. Critique of religion. Reluctant Messiah. What is the truth? Does it even matter? JFK. UFO. Three-letter acronyms describe our world. Stupid world? Maybe.
To-do list
Another day, another 1000 baht. At school, I managed to finish reading one of my books, learn more Thai and felt pretty chilled. I was holding some tension though so that I couldn’t quite savour the moment. That’s ok though. Despite being chilled it was (or felt) productive.
I even managed to start and finish my mini-zine for Aing, just in time for her birthday. I’ll try and do Nu’s over the next day or two. Pretty happy that I was able to incorporate something more creative in my day today.
Also – I just remembered – near the end of the work day a couple of bits of news came through. First, one of my videos got lost in a hard drive crash and will have to be recorded again in the morning. Under difficult circumstances, this could have been a chance of causing a negative reaction for me but now it will at least make tomorrow a little more interesting.
After that, there was some online discussion about having to work six days a week – again, could have had the potential for a negative reaction, but I was so involved in my book and wanting to finish it that I didn’t let it distract or bother me. At the moment it’s just talk and things change so much from day to day that it’s not even worth thinking about anyway.
Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.
Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.
Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.
Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.
To-do list
Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.
In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.
In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.
He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.
I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.
After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.
Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.
I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.
Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.
Count on the insane to save the souls of the suckers.
Nuclear nightmares last night at Chatswood apartment – safe but the outside world changed – coronavirus allegory? Kimchee trapped in an escalator – she turned up in the morning safe and sound. Why those dreams?
Eat more, exercise more – no energy, weight is okay but need to toughen up my body. Thinking, I think too much and haven’t turned thoughts into actions. Stay positive – look at everything positive – listen better – compliment, help others. Life is easy so take time for others. You can do it.
What else you got in your head this morning? Creaky little froggy under the fan, foot aching old man. Take what you want from others’ speech. They may be right, they may be wrong. Do you need to say the words? If not then don’t say them. This is your life now so do the best with it – it’s easy.
Pink, the colour – not the person. I really don’t know modern popular music – I think it’s funny. Is it calming your mind? I freeze my thoughts writing this but if I sit to meditate, thoughts come on back. Today, yesterday. Seeking clarity. Couldn’t do long meditation yesterday – got too itchy and antsy. Keep going. Keep trying. The benefits are what I’m looking for – fat sticky stomach. Breathe. Big yawn – fun day ahead and weekend after that. Gratitude and project good wishes.
Okay, rest your weakened wrists now. Got coffee cups to hold.
Gratitude Journal
I am happy and grateful for my newly found patience with things at the school. Things can be so dynamic here that they can change with every person you meet. I have been able to deal with this well so far this semester.
To-do list
A funny old day today where plans kept getting changed and ultimately nothing got done. I just went with it and felt fine. It was a good day.
Amy and I went out for one last meal at Oshinei together with Aing and Nu. When we got home I was too full and tired to write here and went to sleep very quickly.
In the morning I went to meet Bruno for coffee and we spent a pleasant couple of hours catching up on each other’s gossip. Bruno is interested to do some other things together sometime such as motorbiking around, fishing or just generally catching up. I think he’s looking for other folks to hang out with.
I like Bruno but also want to be careful with what I say to him as we both have lots of mutual teacher friends and gossip travels fast.
Today, I’m consigned to my room to sleep as Goy and Nan and their families are staying the night. Suits me – I had a lot of fun playing around with music and can keep it going all night as I drift in and out of sleep.
If it’s not raining in the morning I’m hoping to go for a motorbike around before it gets too hot.
Sweaty workout with the aircon.
Poor Deep Turtle poster, how much longer can it live? – the shelf isn’t straight – the torn poster is straight but torn!
Kneeling to write, sweaty workout for five mins, five mins is it enough? My muscles ache so don’t push it.
Remember two things today – check Aing’s grammar and… What’s the other thing – my brain is forgetting more easily. Old or painkillers – it’s okay I’m okay.
My toenails annoy me for some reason, I want them as short as possible – what are they for? Remnant monkey claws.
Books I want to read. Read and read, get lost in those worlds.
I think the other thing I want to remember is to do that introductory lesson for English revision.
Sitting now, kneeling was uncomfortable, should do at a desk but desk is cluttered. Should write quicker in cursive but even less legible than this, doesn’t matter – tomorrow cursive, see if I remember – thumbs ache – When to study Thai Drops?
This task is to empty brain and meditate – maybe should do before my five-minute workout – experiment with schedule.
Coffee, sudden thought of coffee at Eat and Sleep.
80.8 kg today, it’s okay but want to stay permanently under 80 kg – exercise – no beer!
Books, books, books – stomach okay today – situps – let’s do some. Okay so done empty brain?! Meditate.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to go to Baralee this morning and enjoy the relaxing environment with coffee and friends.
To-do list
As I was going through my morning routine I realised that I should do the Drops study first so I didn’t end up doing it this morning. That’s ok – things fall into place.
We got given a new video to make on Friday so that kinda threw out some plans but I remembered I had something that I could use from Anuban but the files were at home so I just carried on and finished off a couple of other things and will do the video planning tomorrow instead.
Bronwyn wasn’t online so I just sent her a message.
A relaxing day at work all round. There are a very few students around and that is reminding me that they will all be back at some point and the real challenge is waiting for me. having all this time to prepare though is very handy.
Tomorrow I will be able to include Drops into my routine in the morning and have set my alarm for 5 minutes earlier. It’s light at 5.30 am already, it’s sometimes hard to stay fully asleep until my alarm goes off – especially with the cats wanting to get in and out.
Tomorrow I also will try to talk more with some of the other teachers that I don’t really know well yet. Everyone seems to be getting along and there’s no feeling of ‘them and us’ that I had in Primary or at Anuban. It’s strange! I hope it remains like this.
A long time since writing in this book now a stream of consciousness writing exercise to let out all thoughts smoky air coughing up blood sore throat sweaty after a workout, well a five minute warmup anyway. Fan whirring. Door open ugh smoky air cats all safe no snake sightings. Unfinished jigsaw in front of me I enjoyed a few hours yesterday cats and books great idea for a picture. Pink gym ball I should do some situps no dream to remember right now messages coming on the phone. Meditate which first? meditate or situps many little things waiting to be done middle mass phrase Crayon Shin Chan’s little penis! Why? I don’t know but it made me laugh for a hundred Baht. Coffee! Yes, bad coffee but good caffeine. Smiling faces show teeth. Friends to be made no time to be grumpy how far do my thoughts extend before they run out or slow down. This exercise is slowing down my brain and speed of thinking – is that the purpose? Sit up straight soft seat. Tough hard wood at school. What will the day bring? Either way it will be okay – another day. I enjoy being around nicer people – that’s what I should be – nice – to everyone.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for my calm this weekend. It has maintained my happiness when I could have been upset and angry.
To-do list
Maintained my happiness throughout the day – and it was a very easy day. We had nothing to do – I wrote some more lessons but very lazily. I was nice to everyone and think I gave off enough of a positive vibe – I could always do better though.
Tonight, Nu, Aing and Mink came over – it’s Mink’s last night here so we bid him farewell. He’s a nice kid – very thoughtful – sometimes too much, so, he reminds me of me quite a lot at that age.
Tomorrow George is really excited that we might video record all the teachers singing ‘Happy’. It will be fun I really have to push myself to be in that frame of mind. Can I do it?
Gratitude Journal
I’m so happy and grateful for my relative freedom. After reading about Natascha Kampusch spending eight years in a dungeon and how she dealt with it is really inspiring. But even outside her dungeon she still has a feeling of being trapped. Hence relative freedom.
Justification for infidelity and dishonesty in all their manifestations lies in the marginal cost economics of ‘just this once’.
Clayton M. Christensen, HBR
To-do list
Well, I didn’t get many of those things done! But that’s ok because I really did rest a lot. I read a lot and watched a bunch of really interesting stuff on YouTube, some of which I really was savouring.
I was in a good frame of mind when Aing, Gus and Nu came and I enjoyed talking with them, kicking off a conversation by asking them that in ten years time they will be successful – what does success mean for them? Aing then surprised me by asking if I think about how I might die. While Gus and Nu laughed I thought it a very valid question.
It was an interesting and thoughtful conversation and I very much enjoyed it. So, nice and rested, I’m prepared for our long drive tomorrow.
Music from 65daysofstatic, Stormy Six, The Controllers, Kerosene 454, Jawbreaker, Die! Die! Die!, Death, Minutemen, Beefeater, Red Cross, Necros, Hanadensha, Versus, Au Pairs, The Paper Chase, Blast, Soul Inc.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful to see my friend Fern again.
Take a good hard look at people’s ruling principle, especially of the wise, what they run away from, and what they seek out.
Marcus Aurelius
Weight: 80.3kg
Resting heart rate: 44
To-do list
Well, looking at these five challenges it seems like I didn’t do much yesterday!
I did spend a bit more time reading as I was diving into the book about a girl’s abduction and trying to imagine myself in her position. I wanted to try to write down being there and all the thoughts going through my mind.
Later, I compared it with being a prisoner within your own mind – a place we can never escape.
I sorted out more CDs and feel that that task is getting closer to completion.
By the evening and time to go out, I was feeling very relaxed and happy.
As we were driving to the evening festival Amy got upset because I didn’t drive the way, the direction, she wanted. Her anger got more and more and I felt very embarrassed in front of Aing, Gus and Nu. There was no real need for it and I tried to brush it off as best I could.
Unfortunately, I was only able to do this for a short time until I felt sadness and anger too. I had to go and sit by myself for 5 minutes and calm my mind. I felt better when I returned but by then I was exhausted. Amy had a few beers and was happy though I was worried that she would drink too much and start getting violent with me again.
Things were ok though Amy was getting louder and I just felt like I wanted to be somewhere quiet. The noise of the festival was relentless, from every direction and incoherent. It gave me a headache. I tried to constantly talk myself in a positive headspace but it just got worse as Amy loudly tried to put me down in front of the others again. I couldn’t/didn’t want to have an argument in front of others and Amy knew this and used it to her advantage.
We got home and things had calmed down until Amy came and started on me again. I was tired and cranky by this point and bit back and we went to sleep unhappy with each other. I feel like there is something else behind this behaviour, not just a desire to try and control me.
I’d like to talk with Amy about this but will have to find the right time and try not to just get into another argument.
Something else that has been bothering me is Amy always talking about how all the money is with her and everything is in her name. At first, it was just a bit of fun but I’m not amused anymore. It feels like a fascist hold over me. I’m ok for her to take care of all that stuff but I don’t need reminding of it every week.
Again, I think Amy is not happy these days and doing these actions to compensate. I’d just like to see her happy and positive again – preferably without alcohol.
1994ever 