Tag: anxiety

When Old Friends Visit – 18th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Thanks for the visit last night
Was there a reason to come?
I wasn’t really doing anything
Perhaps that’s why you came along

And why were you the way you were?
Not quite happy it seemed
We still couldn’t even share a joke
Even in a meeting dreamed

I had to leave quickly
I felt like you were perturbed
I closed the door behind me
And woke up quite disturbed

Typing this one out has given me deja vu. I feel like I may have written something similar about another dream I had. This one though was about the anxiety of meeting an old friend after tens of years and left on bad terms. In this real dream, I had last night, the meeting did not go well

Today I’m feeling:

Tired from a 5.30 am start to start the last day of Grandmum’s funeral. It occurs to me that this (kinda) solemn occasion is a huge stress on the family. There are so many ‘rules’ and traditions that should be followed, to do it the ‘right’ way, that it’s impossible to be perfect.

By the time we got to the crematorium, stress levels were up and it almost felt like forgetting why I was there. That was soon remedied though when the coffin was opened for the family to pour coconut water over the face and body. I turned to see Amy crying and it tore at me as I teared up too as she poured over some water and said goodbye and then I was full of grief again.

At this point though, all the ceremony of the last few days made more sense in my mind.

Today I’m grateful for:

The family again for including me as part of them and not minding too much when I did not know what to do in these circumstances.

The best thing about today was:

The best thing about today will be crawling back into bed and enjoying sleep. Things get back to normal tomorrow but I can’t wait for the weekend already. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Sadly I lost my streak on my Thai study app as I’ve been too busy running around this week. I’ll not beat myself up about it because it doesn’t change the things I’ve learned already. I’m trying to make the learning a little more difficult again to push myself. I’ll get back to it.

The scheduled quiz I set for my class to do this morning didn’t work, which was a little frustrating. Thankfully there was some free time at the ceremony where I could set it up again

Something I learned today?

Assigning work to a class always teaches me who can be responsible for themselves and who will just take advantage. 

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Today I was Amy’s little worker and I obediently did what I was told without complaint, even when we did things that seemed odd to me. In the morning I carried a tray of food to another building where we sat for a few minutes and then walked back to where we started. That tray was heavy after a while but I didn’t complain.

Either we went to that place by mistake or there was something about the food being in that space for a few minutes that gave it some kind of blessing that I’m not privy to. There is a lot of symbolism going on that I don’t understand and would scoff at if I did.

I took this picture because this cutie decided to take a rest at the bottom of the temple stairs.

Donation Pile – 19th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Tears of heartache spilt on her dress
The memory held must no longer impress
“This was me, but this was me then”
And she will never be that person again
She can’t carry all the ghosts of time
All the lives lived already left behind
She cannot hold on to the warm evening air
And this dress no longer takes her there

inspired by writing at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

Woke up feeling okay after a good sleep, shoving the fan against the open window again as the temperature actually rose during the evening. But as I was driving to work I suddenly felt a wave of tiredness come over my brain. My body still felt ok but my brain wanted to switch off. Unfortunately, that’s not an option but I wonder if this is my regular run out of energy that I will need a big sleep to catch up on?

(Later) I managed to pick up my energy throughout the day though I was looking forward to relaxing at home until Amy reminded me we have a plan to meet Nong Na.

It ended up raining so hard that when we got home everyone agreed to change plans to meet another day instead.

Today I’m grateful for:

My student Pin, who didn’t complain when I tracked her down in the canteen at lunchtime and made her try to read the work she should have done yesterday. I know she struggles to read so I wanted her to see that I am there to help her and push her forward even if the progress is only marginal. She did her best and I was grateful that she tried.

The best thing about today was:

Whilst I was standing amongst a group of students talking with Jet and Noah, Nicha stood beside me and started massaging my wrist and forearm. 

I’m not sure why or what was in her thoughts but I appreciated the massage as my wrists were sore from doing some push-ups this morning. 

I don’t feel uncomfortable when teenage students (boys or girls) do odd things like that. I think maybe they are testing boundaries or testing themselves in a safe environment. 

I know other teachers’ own boundaries may be pushed in that situation but I would never let anything become inappropriate. 

I play with my students as if they were my own children and would never hurt them physically or emotionally. I want them to grow, unafraid of criticism and to develop their own self-esteem and confidence in their own actions and emotions.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Amy dropped me at school today so I had no car to zip out for coffee, not that I have much time on Wednesdays to do that. I embraced being in the school for the whole day and filled the time with helping, talking and playing with students and teachers alike.

Something I learned today?

The guy most of the country voted for in the recent election has been disallowed to be prime minister on a technical issue because that is what certain people in power want. When these people don’t get what they want through the systems in place, they can always find another way. The tide is turning but it’s too slow for many.

What am I feeling right now?

8 pm – Ready for bed but not quite out of energy in my limbs. 

My eyelids are heavy, my ankles are aching, my wrists are sore.

My mind is still humming though with the idea that I have to prepare some more lessons soon. I don’t think I have enough for some of my classes. I also know that I won’t have much free time in October to prepare for the second semester. This anxiety is sitting quietly in the back of my head.

I took this picture because this critter was sitting happily on the wall outside the classroom.

Make The Call – 10th November 2022

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

It’s just a call, dial the number
Maybe they won’t pick up
And all will be forgiven

Dial the number, make the call
The click of the pick-up
The heart skips
A new beginning
Nervous

Once words flow though
Out the stories pour
These things kept secret
Now shared experiences
Empathy and sympathy emerge
That won’t be so bad at all

No man can really say that he knows what joy is until he has experienced peace.

Henry Miller

Today I’m feeling:
Satisfied but still tired.
Today I’m grateful for:
My old student Kamboom, who messaged me and we were able to arrange to meet at Sammakhi next Tuesday. I can see from her messages that her English is excellent now. It must be nearly three years since I saw her last time.
The best thing about today was:
Watching Top Boy for a couple of hours and not getting itchy to watch something. I’ve been flicking around Youtube too much so it was nice to submerge into something a little more sustaining
Daily thought
Do you still think you can change the world?
I think we have to think like that. We change the world with the way we interact with others and any of our actions are passed along into the future. Even in a diminished capacity, every little thing we do moves us forward, for both better and worse. The seeds may be sown by a single word. I have to believe we can.
What do you explore on the evenings or weekends?
Evenings and many weekends are usually mental explorations. Otherwise, I like to go for long bike rides and explore tracks, often overgrown and unused. I don’t usually explore much on foot or explore different food and drink places. I’m comfortable with the good places I have found but know its also good to try new places and find other new favourites.

I took this picture because every year I can notice when the sun rises above the stupa on the horizon. It feels like my little Stonehenge although there’s nothing particular about today from where I’m looking out. I wonder where the sun rises above it on solstice days. It’s possible it carries some meaning in that way as quite a lot of cultural events are based around the moon at least.

The White Torch – 22nd December 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 11 Comments

Like a ray of moonlight through the window
Sweet words fall like dew drops from petals
Connected by vapour pulled through the air
The briefest touch sends hearts spinning

Pure eyes emanating light, lit large
Her grace flows forth like a stanza
This tree in blossom fights against her sorrows
A brief affection, two bodies made into one

A love cleansed by tears remains pure
A single thought makes it so
The flowers hidden in darkness
Cannot hide that held in our hearts

The universe trembles to this sweet music
This delicious dance felt for the first time
Love and fear fills the heart with joy
The obstacles of doubt surmounted
– Every minute now, a year of love

Mangled from the titular chapter of The Broken Wings by Khalil Gibran and inspired by the attached picture of an old student of mine. I read this chapter and saw the picture on the same day and combined, they both took me back to enjoy that soft sick feeling in the stomach and chest of teenage love.

3rd Mar 2024 – Submitted to Weekly Prompts Colour Challenge
16th Aug 2024 – Submitted to dVerse OLN

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful that from today the daylight hours will get longer again. I say this as I saw the sun appear above the mountain this morning filling the sky with its orange light.

I’m anxious and overthinking again at the moment. I need to overcome this feeling somehow. Yesterday I talked with Champ and I could feel he understood my frustrations with school but it became obvious that if anything happens down the line, such as more complaints from the parents, then he will not support me. Not necessarily by choice but just to protect himself. This is kinda disappointing really but I guess it shows me where I stand.

I think I’ll make some changes with some small things in my life again to give me back more of a feeling of control again. I feel not strong enough to support my own beliefs, not arrogant enough to feel superior, not flexible enough to bend to the will of others.

The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.

There’s something to be said for thoughtless manual labour. Weak. Time feels like it’s running away but it’s not real – why am I insisting on making it real? Is this my midlife crisis? Gotta self-talk my way out of it.

More Sugar – 18th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Little girl, lost in her thoughts
Searching for the why
Struggles on, trapped inside
Whilst the world passes by

No answers, questions repeating
What purpose being?
Everyone else in happiness
Is the illusion she is seeing

Tell yourself, forgive yourself
And be kind to your heart
Get back up on your horse
And every day, just start

The way is forward, moving on
Learning from the past
It’s a cliche, but live each day
As if it was your last

A true story of a girl whose name translates as Sugar
Submitted to Weekly Prompts Wednesday Challenge – Moving On

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for our mask supply so we can change them often and try to stay safe.

It felt like a busy weekend but I notice a calmness within me these days. Before, I felt like I have to do this and do that and get it done. I still have things to do but I have a confidence that they will get done and don’t feel any stress to get them out of the way.

Perhaps I know about all the things I have lined up in the future – things that may keep me occupied for another lifetime or two. Yes, I want to start fiddling around with music again – it will happen when the time is right.

Perhaps this pandemic has taught me to slow down a little. Without it, I’m sure I would be busy organising new things to be involved in. A situation such as this is not so bad timing for me. I did a lot and achieved many things up until the pandemic. It’s easy for me to sit back and relax a bit.

I hope that others come out the other side with renewed energy and can pick up where things were in their lives and the state of their societies.

I had a long talk with Oh’s girlfriend Namtan on Friday. She struggles with anxiety and depression, so I told her my story. Something I said hit me quite unexpectedly.

I said that Amy was lucky that the chemicals in her brain were capable of making her positive most of the time. I said to Namtan that we are not like that – we are always questioning things and searching for meaning. It’s just the way we are. And I have accepted that. It’s not an option anymore to try to be something you’re not.

I’ve known this all along but without resolution until recently. Namtan is 28. I told her not to give up. Every day is a struggle but we are capable of digging ourselves out of the mental holes we created until now.

It was nice to be able to offer advice, though I think perhaps I overwhelmed her with too much information.

We talked a lot about books too. She’s a librarian and an avid reader. I think that’s a good start to get on the right track.

I had some stomach bug for most of the weekend and lost a kilogram in weight. Somehow, I managed to push through the abs routine each morning, though. I can see a definite change in my belly fat. I’m actually starting to like the way I look again.

The Week That Was – 21st January 1979

Mr Ghost – 15th October 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Waking up, never sure I am me
Wondering today just who I will be
Sometimes you do not want to be controlled
You make me do all the things that I’m told

You whisper those dark secrets in my ear
Directing me through prejudice and fear
I try to blank you out, please go away!
I try to yank you out, but you will stay

Like a dog barking at the thinnest air
I’m talking to someone who isn’t there
A living being conjured in my brain
An agent I must practice to restrain

You’re taking over, no longer to wait
I cannot hold it so I accept my fate

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for this time at school without having to teach. It’s very relaxing and really helps me wind down.

It’s a dull, dark day today – feels like England. My eyes feel heavy and whilst not being at all unhappy, some of the joy seems to have been sucked out of everything I’ve done. Though I did just have a good chat with Dylan, which sees me writing this now, after 4pm, when I could be heading home.

Not much of any import occurred today. I did a lot of reading and avoided people, mostly. As I said to Dylan, the avoidance is not out of discomfort or anything about other people but when you are around people here at school, you tend to get roped into doing things.

Perhaps worse than that is being told you have something to do and getting tensed up about it and then changing minds have you not doing it in the end. An anxiety for nothing. Of course, it would be better to learn to deal with it without having anxiety but this avoidance works well too. Where I can quietly read and write as I please.

We got that attitude! – 5th May 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful that I got another two days off school. Only found out in the morning, before leaving. Felt good.

My brain and body are fried. 3 or 4 weeks of constant weed brownies and binging on TV series. It was getting me down.

When I found out a couple of days ago that school starts again today, I got over the initial shock and started to prep myself mentally. Last night, I became very anxious and restless just thinking about it – especially as we would probably be at school for a whole month before any students return – meaning we would likely end up sitting around doing nothing the whole time. My negative brain was kicking in.

So it was with some delight that a message came through this morning that our return was delayed a couple more days until Friday. Now, I’m trying to straighten my brain out a little more and psyche myself up for things.

I remind myself that I was getting lots done when I was in a routine and even if I didn’t enjoy the actual routine of working, I did enjoy all the benefits of some regularity. I’m coming back together.

We got that attitude! – 21st May 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for opportunities and choices. Last night Takky asked again if I would be interested in teaching with him and Alan at Tessaban 6. It’s good to have options.

To-do list

  • Enjoy the day again – not much for me ✅
  • Meditate and exercise – get up early ✅
  • Can you do morning pages? The quiet voice?
  • Drink more water ½

I got up early and did some weights and stretching, as well as a quick meditation. I felt pretty good but was a bit down and subdued when I got to work. I was still thinking about last night and my worry about Amy drinking too much sometimes.

I was a bit snappy with George too. He has been so helpful for me and Dylan and introducing us to the school. Today I got a bit annoyed at him telling us the best way to do something and felt like I wanted to assert myself a little so I can show a little independence. That was all well and good but I’m not as good a subtle craftsman with words and expression as he is and I worry that I upset him a little.

I still struggle to think carefully about how my words come out and how they might be received. I’m not yet quick enough to work out a better way of expressing my assertions.

I also think that my grumpiness is caused by the discussion last night about the possibility of working with Takky and Alan. They make a good option for doing meaningful work in their school but it would mean working a lot harder than I do right now and my preference is to work less and less! It is nice to receive praise from them but I also still doubt my own abilities.

Ellen has also been talking about teaching online through students she finds for me and she talked about how competitive it is now. She asked me what my main skills were and I really wasn’t sure what to say! I don’t really know what they are!

I often feel like I can’t really do anything until I’m actually doing it and even then when I get praise, it’s still not enough to give me confidence.

I met Kru Tang this morning and she mentioned that Kru Boe missed me a lot and Tang said Boe cried about what happened with me at the school last year. One thing that has come out of that is that things seem to have improved there quite a lot and it seems to be a result of my efforts and sacrifice there.

I did feel good about that but it’s not the kind of situation I want to find myself in again and the offer to work with Takky and Alan could prove to end up the same (or is that just my anxiety speaking?).

George says I like to play mind games, implying that I think too much about some things. I don’t know. I guess I’ll think about that too.

Tomorrow I’ll try to think how to be assertive in a more gentle manner – and listen first, in full, before deciding what action I want to take.