Tag: Australia

Ghost In Place – 30th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 3 Comments

Bursting in without knocking
A mountain of memories returned
Those days of confusion were shocking
And a heart left badly burned

Mentally reset by counting to ten
Big brother came to soften the blow
Remembering what year it is again
And closing that door, just so

Inspired by this story at Spinning Visions
14th Dec 2024 – Shared with Weekly Prompts Weekend Challenge – Ghost

Today I’m feeling:

Positive but a little tired and soft-sighted. Exercise was tough again but easier than yesterday. Still only doing one set for this week. Hope to get back to two next week.

Today I’m grateful for:

Seeing all my happy students again, giving me hugs, telling me they missed me, asking for candy! But most of all to Aunwar who brought me a piece of cake for my birthday! A typical, kind, Muslim gift. If only he was good in class! Haha! He’ll get there.

The best thing about today was:

Still being able to duck out after the morning flag-raising ceremony and sit in the cafe for a couple of hours before hanging out with the kids again at lunchtime, distributing the knick-knack gifts that I brought back from Australia and then heading home around 1pm. 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Originally we were told that we had a whole week of activities but today I found out that we start our scheduled classes on Wednesday. Not particularly bothered by this and I know that everything changes all the time now and can better cope with these annoyances.

Something I learned today?

A Chinese airline passenger threw coins into the engine when they were boarding. It’s happened more than once and each time they all said they did it for luck and a safe flight!

What is my favourite memory from the past month?

Being in Sydney again and catching up with friends and family. The blue skies, green trees and purple jacarandas; old familiar smells, sights and sounds. 

One particular brief moment stands out and that was walking over the new park at the end of Barangaroo, along the piers of the Rocks, under the bridge and around to the Quay. 

Throughout my travels around the city were constant reminders of events past, who lived where, warehouses, houses and venues for shows. 

My life, guided by the dull dreary boredom-brown of England, then expanded by the city and country relaxed-excitement of Australia and contemplated here in hot-humid jungle-country Thailand. It’s hard not to be happy.

What am I learning about life right now?

I’m in the middle of a ten-day mini-meditation Stoicism course and whilst it covers many things I have learned already I need to keep reinforcing these things and keep them in mind and transfer them to practice.

I’m also learning that I don’t have enough time for everything and need to prioritise some things. I can easily fill my days. Every day.

I took this picture because the full moon with Mars (?) nearby was the view this wonderful temperate evening where I breathed deep the relatively fresh air. Perfect.

What Is Culture Today? – 21st October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Everything is an advert Begging you to pay But it’s all a load of talk With very little to say No contribution to society Not in any little way Is it only me alone That doesn’t understand the play Too old for an opinion Too old, too far away Is it possible to tell me What is culture today?

Today I’m feeling:

Excitedly anxious as we pack and prepare for our flight this afternoon. I’m not looking forward to it but am looking forward to getting back to Thailand and home. It’s been very pleasant to be back in Sydney as a tourist but that’s all I am in relation to being here this time.

Today I’m grateful for:

Karin and Peter for letting us use their house as a base whilst they are away on their own travels. I’ve never met them but I am grateful.

The best thing about today was:

It hasn’t happened yet but getting off this plane will probably be it!

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

There are lots of empty seats in today’s flight so should be able to spread out a little bit after take-off. 

(later) The ten hours are nearly up and this flight has been nowhere near as much of a struggle as the one to Australia. I’ve stayed awake and hope to be able to sleep soon after getting to the hotel and then be back to normal in the morning. Let’s see.

Something I learned today?

Being able to catch up on my Substack reading I read a lot about Israel and Palestine and didn’t realise that the Jews in Israel are extremely disunited and would likely collapse into civil war without having Palestinians as an enemy.

How can I be kinder to myself today?

I’m pretty kind to myself every day. I don’t think I need to be especially kinder. I’d be better served by being kinder to other people and again, I feel I’m kind most of the time too. I have noticed how much Australians are more wordily polite than folks in Thailand but also at the same time how these words don’t always translate into actions.

Today will be a little gruelling as we spend 9-plus hours on a plane. I’ll try to remain patient and kind!

I took this picture because that’s our plane and the last picture of Australia for a while.

Used To – 10th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

A stupid child shouting abuse at others
Running away from the fires lit
Giving constant shit to forgiving mothers
Until they no longer stood for it

Shouting from a stage the bitter truth
Angry words to the congregation
Obstinately always demanding the proof
Deeming those far below this station

Then working hard, through sweat and tears
A love thought to last forever
But there was nothing more important than beers
That life can never be kept together

Chasing opportunities, an inspired need to change
A white-collar worker on the twenty-fifth floor
Those times sure did seem strange
And could never understand there’d be more

Loving coffee and oneself much more than beer
It’s as if someone had switched the signs
Overcoming the challenges and fear
And learning to read between the lines

As things change, they remain the same
Smile at the parts of the whole
What used to be is still part of the game
Put it together and accept the role

inspired by this line about boyish skateboarders ‘They look like the self that they will tell someone about one day.’ at Spinning Visions blog

Today I’m feeling:

(2.15 am) It’s going to be a weird day today. I just had a one-hour uncomfortable doze and now I’m just waiting to be able to check in for my flight, maybe grab an hour or two of sleep and then try to force myself to stay awake on the flight so that I can sleep at the appropriate time in Australia. 

(4.44 am) No more sleep so I reckon I’ll have to catch up with some on the flight. I’m starting to flag now.

(11.17 am) impossible to sleep except for brief dozes which may only last a second or a minute. I’ve no idea. Time is going quick enough. There’s no entertainment except the book I brought with me and the cache of entries on Substack, which I guess I can slowly catch up on.

Today I’m grateful for:

The tough authoritative-looking guy at passport control who was very pleasant, commenting on how long have been in Thailand and asking if I was coming back to which I replied ‘Of course!’

10th Jan 2024 – What a palaver that turned out to be and which could have been averted with a little more conversation at this point.

The best thing about today was:

Finally putting my body into a proper bed and falling asleep.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

On the way to check in, I bought a couple of packet meals for Hayden and Bronwyn that I thought they might enjoy. I shoved them in my bag.

At the gate there was a long queue up on the gantry before going down to the waiting area. I decided to wait until the queue died down. They were checking carry-on luggage for any liquids over 100ml. Apparently, Australia doesn’t like to let anyone on their flights with water etc even if purchased inside the airport.

I opened up my bag and they seized on my purchases which I thought maybe had some liquid component inside. There was a bit of a buzz as questions were asked and people came over, walkie-talkies were engaged and the last of the rest of the passengers went on down. I heard the lady on the walkie-talkie reading out all the ingredients and after a few more minutes went running off.

I asked another guy what was going on and I thought he said something about cancer, as if there was something in the ingredients that Australia finds unacceptable.

After a little while though I guessed he was trying to say ‘cancel’. As the plane was nearly fully boarded by now I said that if that was the case then, maipenrai, don’t worry about it but he told me to wait for the lady.

The crew came up from downstairs wanting to know what the problem was and I was starting to get anxious that I wouldn’t be able to get on the plane for whatever this stupid reason was.

In the distance, I could see the lady alternating between running and walking to get back. The guy with me said that the shop shouldn’t have sold the products to me knowing that I was going to Australia (as they’d checked my ticket).

The running lady couldn’t muster up more energy to run but eventually, she made it back and I wondered what I was in for but she just apologised and handed me my money back! I was free to go.

Amy took this picture because, after 5 and a half years, I’m back in Australia. To be honest, it doesn’t feel that long and after being around Aussies on the plane, it doesn’t feel like much has changed either.

Untold Story – 7th October 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Your wisdom made you arrogant
Though smart enough to hide
Behind that handsome smile
Your true feelings kept inside

When the winner’s cup is presented
You’re humble in the glory
Just enough to disguise
Your secret untold story

A letter from future me (sent 7th April 2023)

Dear FutureMe,

Right now you are feeling so sad and down about life. One week ago today you took little Kim to the vet where they told you she would have to stay overnight. By the next day she was gone and on the following day you buried her next to the garage.

That first week without her has been hellish. With Amy away in Australia, herself suffering the sadness along with the inability to comfort each other, it feels like double emptiness. One little cat had made such a great impact on your own little life.

You try and fill the space with Cap and Tig but their own individual personalities don’t cut it. They have their own thing going on.

Along with all this is the terrible air pollution burning your eyes and giving you headaches. When you read this it will just be a memory and hopefully you are enjoying the clean fresh air at the end of rainy season and looking forward to winter. Don’t forget this though. This shitty air will come again. Be prepared.

As the ghosts of Hellcat still haunt you, slowly this pain will dampen and I hope that all you have now are the best memories of little Kim Chi and all the love she brought to you. Like all that you’ve lost in your life – mum, Steve, Kimi – they were special.

This is hard to write. I’m sitting here in Utopia feeling a little like not wanting to go home and be surrounded by the memories. It’s the holidays now and not wanting to go out into the foul air means staying home and subjecting myself to the constant reminders of that bright-eyed little one.

I hope you are feeling better mate.
Shaun from the past

Today I’m feeling:

Aching all over. Old muscles must’ve been activated yesterday. I slept well enough and woke up before my 8 am alarm but feel like today may need a nap to catch up fully.

I was dizzy drinking my coffee and have come home and got back into bed! I don’t feel sleepy, just tired.

Today I’m grateful for:

Yesterday! Despite my tired body, I feel great, especially after a two-hour top-up of sleep. Slowly I’m feeling (and seeing) the benefits of my exercise habit.

The best thing about today was:

I enjoyed playing guitar today and ended up playing for about an hour and a half. I didn’t do a whole lot of anything else much otherwise though. No exercise at all today. Give my body a chance to recover.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Around 2 pm I decided to go out to the shop next to Utopia to get my favourite dish, Lard Na, but when I got there the lady said she’d run out of the crispy noodles. She provided a solution in Thai that I didn’t understand but agreed to and waited with some trepidation. But I shouldn’t have worried because the thick rice noodles she used she had added an egg too which had gone crispy and tasty, all buried under the usual sauce, tofu and veggies I like.

Something I learned today?

I watched a couple more episodes of The Making of Apocalypse Now and understood more the parallels of the history, the movie’s story and the making of it. The crew went through their own kinds of hell to make it possible. Quite an impressive feat and one of my favourite movies.

What do I hope to achieve someday?

100? To wake up with no aches? Recognition, immortality, legend?

Complete 100% satisfaction and happiness?

I feel like I don’t have any real goals set to tick off any achievements and now I pass the mantle on to Hayden and my students. They have potentially more future ahead of them than I do and my hope is that they achieve some of their dreams and wishes.

I took this picture because this little buddy was pleased to see me again and quickly presented her belly for rubs.

The Beautiful People – 29th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 2 Comments

Heads may turn in Soho streets
At soirees at the Ritz
And so this scene oft repeats
Amongst the glamour and the glitz

Here are seen the painted faces
And the finest flowing dresses
But the real beautiful people
Are down playing in their messes

The artists and bohemian types
The dustbin men, already sleeping
Absent of any media hypes
Content in the company they’re keeping

The farmers covered in mud and shit
The real diamonds under dusty feet
Pearly smiles gleam as they exit the pit
Just enough energy left to eat

All the beautiful people go unseen
Away from the cameras clicking
This is how it has always been
Since the time that kings came tricking

Let’s celebrate their grime and sweat
Grateful for the time they’re giving
Don’t let the glamour rats forget
Why they enjoy the way they’re living

21st Mar 2024 – Submitted to Ragtag Daily Prompt – Colourful Streets

Today I’m feeling:

Relaxed and a little sad. Most of my relationships now have been formed around my students and I know that I will miss them during the holidays. Some students feel the same, not necessarily about me but about not being able to meet their friends often. But it is also great to have a break from it all too and I’m starting to look forward to going to Australia.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nong Gam for putting a frangipani behind my ear, giving me a hug and saying she will miss me in the holiday. I have appreciated her efforts to improve her English this semester and she has appreciated the time I spent to help her.

The best thing about today was:

Little Nicha wrote a very sweet message for me in the Quizizz I gave her class today. Along the lines of ‘Thank you to help me learn more when I am struggling and for comforting me when I was sad.’  I’m tearing up a little just writing it! 

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I had psyched myself up to stay at school and play a little tennis with Funfai before her coaching but it had rained a lot during the afternoon and I wasn’t sure if she would still go. She said she wanted to and the rain had cleared so I waited around playing volleyball with a bunch of other kids. But then more rain came and I gave up and we agreed to try again next semester when there will be less rain. 

So, it was annoying that I stayed around when I could’ve gone home quicker but I still enjoyed the time hanging out with different students.

Something I learned today?

Last night I was following up on the drama at school with Feije and asked Nong Fah what was the story. She told me a little and it was a totally new story to the one from the day before! 

When I asked Fah what she thought about the events she said she didn’t know, much like when I asked her before what was up with Feije recently. I then realised that she was being typically Thai-style diplomatic and didn’t want to say anything bad about someone else. 

I found this kind of endearing but also frustrating in that it’s difficult to know how people really feel about things in Thai culture.

Either way, it was an interesting learning experience for me to see how some cultural norms are here through the lens of my students.

Also in relation to yesterday, the student having trouble with his friends messaged me saying he stopped being friends with them because they were punching him. I told him that friends don’t do that and that he can tell me if they keep bullying him. He said that it was okay because he didn’t want to cause any trouble. I told him that I understood but that I was there if he needed me. 

I thought that this was a kind of Thai attitude but now I’m writing more I guess this is how many kids deal with being bullied anywhere in the world.

What changes did I experience this past month?

This feels a little difficult to contemplate these days. Things are changing a lot more slowly than previously and are less noticeable.  I guess that as it’s gotten to the end of September I’m starting to feel a little excitement about going to Australia, as I will leave in ten days time.

Also as the month has gone on and the holiday approached, I’ve felt a gradual winding down and relaxation in the classroom.

I took this picture because I have no new pictures today so scouted around the house for something interesting. These cats are part of a set of 5. The picture behind is from a long time back as I was still dying my hair black then. I think it’s from a trip to somewhere in Thailand.

Step On – 13th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 4 Comments

Stairs never-ending
Treading same old paths
Hungrily ascending
Reliving time-worn pasts
Sun beats relentless
As per the decades gone
Head spun senseless
Sisyphus is never done
When was really my time?
Did I ever really belong?

22nd Jul 2024 – Submitted to No Theme Thursday and the picture above

Today I’m feeling:

Ok so far, after invigorating exercise and a cold shower. Last night I set the aircon to turn off and despite waking up hot at some point, it wasn’t too uncomfortable. In the end though, I found myself waking up about 20 minutes before my alarm and thinking about Amy’s parents and what happens next and considering even longer term that if they are gone and if something happens to Amy too then who can I turn to for help? 

My energy is starting to flag a little by this afternoon though I feel quite contented. I look forward to getting home and hopefully, I sleep well tonight.

Today I’m grateful for:

Getting home after a long-ish day. I’m tired and hungry though not grumpy. Not yet anyway.  I picked up salad at the uni market, where I also bumped into Nong Na, and I’m savouring the prospect of eating it after a few minutes in the fridge to cool it down.

The best thing about today was:

Enjoying my grade 10 class as they struggled through taking notes on a phone call. Thankful for technology that allowed us to set up a group call that allowed myself and the best English-speaking student Toon to sit in the teacher’s room carrying out the conversation whilst everyone listened intently, or in bewilderment, on their phones.

Kru Nu came in at one point and sat smiling listening to us have the conversation. I hope the smile meant she was happy with my work and not a ‘what are you doing here’ ironic smile.

Anyway, most of the students struggled so much that in my break between classes I quickly wrote another conversation and found a video that they can also use for listening practice and we will do that tomorrow.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Despite feeling tired already during the morning, Amy had rung to ask me to drop by to see her mum and dad. With a busy day, it meant I would have to go after school finished, where I would have preferred just to get home quickly. I had already expected this call a little and of course, it would be the right thing to do considering the circumstances. 

So I dropped by, breathing deeply, meditating my way through my lack of energy. They both appreciated my visit and I asked them about Leo, Dad’s dog, and took him for a walk. At least he was walking when I could shake him off my leg. He has sharp nails that scratched me even through my jeans and leaves a bad doggy smell that Tangmo was very curious about later when I got home.

I offered to come walk Leo anytime they wanted and to call me if they needed me to do anything. They seemed happy despite the situation. I guess we don’t know anything too much yet, just that they have found the cancer. Things may get more serious and sooner rather than later.

After getting home and feeding Tangmo a snack I stripped off my dog-smelly clothes straight into the washing machine and showered off any further lingering dog juices.

Something I learned today?

With talk of operations and chemotherapy Amy told me about how Thai people she knows who have suffered similar medical issues in Australia had to pay very little for treatment there if they were covered by Medicare. One girl even said that she would now be dead if it had happened in Thailand as she wouldn’t have been able to pay for the treatment. Another plus for Australia.

What do I enjoy most about my daily life?

Morning coffee, reading books, reading comics, listening to music, talking to my students, playing guitar, writing here, post-exercise cold showers.

Which do I enjoy the most? Why do I have to choose? 

If it is something I most enjoy I would think I should do it more but I do these things just enough. If I did them more they may become less enjoyable.

I took this picture because we were taking Leo out for his walk. I want to say that is an excited look on Leo’s face and it may be, but that is also what he always looks like. Imagine just being constantly excited. It looks stressful!

Stuck In Reverse – 9th September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Oil pours from the heart
Thick, sad and grey
Even the falling tears
Cannot wash it away
Struggling with movement
This unreal ache inside
Consumes all thoughts
As if one had died

Life continues blurred
A no-prescription fix
Life left without magic
A wall without bricks
Cogs no longer turning
Rusted brown from salt
Stuck in reverse
But nobody’s fault

Today I’m feeling:

Still a little run-down. I had some tension in my legs that stopped me from sleeping much beyond my alarm and eventually pulled myself out of bed. The gardeners are coming today and I was expecting them to wake me up but no sign yet. I contemplated some exercise but flaked out. Ugh.

Today I’m grateful for:

Being able to watch the AFL again this season. This elimination final has got me tense and stressed and it’s the end for Sydney and the rest of the day will feel a little flat unless I find something to do to pick myself up. Fark it!

I’m also grateful to the Swans for their determination to make the finals this year against the odds. They are not a premiership-looking team at the moment though to be fair they weren’t in 2012 either when they beat Hawthorn. Let’s wait for next summer.

The best thing about today was:

Receiving a nice message from my student Namkhing (see yesterday) for helping her improve her English. It made me feel appreciated.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

The gardeners still hadn’t come by 1 pm so I went out to grab some lunch and go shopping and when I got back three hours later they were just leaving. As I wasn’t here I couldn’t tell them not to cut Kim’s patch but at least they left the tub that is placed over her plant. The things growing there will recover pretty quickly anyway so not too bad.
Elsewhere I can see everything is pretty badly done if you look closely. Really no attention to detail.
I was curious if the little papaya would get destroyed and sure enough, it did. I don’t want to tell Amy how unsatisfied I am with their work as it will just make her upset and angry and give her more ammunition to complain about her undeveloped third-world country. I think that will just get me down so I’ll just dwell on the fact that at least the grass looks better.

Something I learned today?

There are an estimated 8.7 million species on earth and more than 80% of them are undiscovered. (factanimal.com)

What am I most excited about for the future?

I should be more excited about going to Australia and I probably will feel it more once I land. The familiarity of Sydney will make for a strange feeling as this will be the first time to take a holiday in this city. Most holidays I had when I was there involved going to someplace else.

As I was writing this Amy video-called and I could see the familiar deep blue sky behind her. I could sense the smells, sounds and feeling of being there. Whilst I miss that now, I know that familiarity breeds contempt or more just complacency and taking things for granted. Maybe I’m even taking things for granted here now too as I’m less awed by the fact that I am here in Thailand.

Beyond that, I’m not particularly excited about anything specifically. I’m either flat or satisfied with where I’m at right now and I prefer to think I’m the latter.

I took this picture because this excited little pup came to greet me at the restaurant next door to Utopia. It’s grown since I last saw it but I could still squash it with my foot!

Ask – 1st September 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

The old man looks like his life has been lived
The stories contained in the lines on his face
No more want except a smile and a seat
What would you want to be asked in his place?

picture found in a newsletter but I forget which one.

Today I’m feeling:

Positive but a little tired what with it being the end of the week. I sure don’t feel like Fridays are a big day to plan going out and getting drunk anymore. Get home and read a book. What a boring old man but I don’t care. I’ll do what I enjoy.

Today I’m grateful for:

The iron and ironing board that I have located in front of the lounge to inspire me to sit and iron the thirteen clean shirts here too. I’ll watch something interesting or listen to music to make the passing of that time more entertaining. Anyway, I’m grateful to own this equipment and that both the board and iron have served us well for more than five years already.

The best thing about today was:

As I was leaving after my first class this morning I went to see David who was preparing for his class with 2/6. I didn’t make it in to see him though as different groups of kids came to talk to me. Goya appeared in front of me holding the cutest tiny kitten and I immediately grabbed it for cuddles. I couldn’t quite get to the bottom of why she had a kitten in class and I reluctantly gave it back. Still grieving for Kim and our boys getting old, both Amy and I have told ourselves, no more cats but it’s hard to think about when there are unwanted kittens everywhere all the time. Caring for cats so much has tied us down a lot though. Today Amy said that if we didn’t have cats we would be living permanently back in Australia already. I’m finding that difficult to think about as I am feeling so contented here right now.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I had planned to spend my four free hours finishing off my grading files but when I tried to log in this morning our school was no longer listed in the system for some reason. I checked with another teacher and they had the same issue. It’s not like there was nothing else I could do in the meantime so it was only a minor annoyance and when I posted a message in our teacher’s group Kru Ren advised that the name of our school had changed for some reason and when I tried again I could get in. I updated all but one class and will get that one completed over the weekend. Bend with the breeze.

Something I learned today?

Amy messaged me that the face-tattooed German guy who ran the Bavarian bar in the city is now in a Bangkok jail and due to be deported back home to face murder charges from his time in a biker gang. I was not at all surprised by this news.

What am I looking forward to this month?

The end of it! The end of this semester and then preparing to go to Australia in October. I’m a bit tired today and started to feel a little wearisome to be teaching today though it’s enjoyable once I’m in class.

Kwang took this picture because I left my phone at my desk whilst I was helping other students. She is a smart independent tomboy, currently with a lackadaisical attitude towards studying. So long as she doesn’t go off the rails she’ll be good in the future. She also has a model-like face which she likes to hide with the mask and could be a child actor, model or somesuch. In comparison, this picture is not particularly flattering of me! Still need to work off some excess rolls of fat that accumulated during my prime years in Australia.

Pick Up The Gun – 23rd August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Can no resistance be explained?
The water surrounds the rocks
Doing nothing is still doing something
That can’t be explained to the jocks

To pick up the gun is enticing
But ultimately is an excuse
It’s the escalation required
To break through a lasting truce

The wisest study the art of war
Their patience is to be admired
While the provocateurs will eat themselves
Without a single shot being fired

inspired by the titular Bill Hicks bit

Today I’m feeling:

With doing extra exercise in the morning I’ve been falling asleep a little earlier these last couple of nights and with no meals yesterday after breakfast, just snacks, yesterday I woke up tired and sleepy.

I pushed through exercise this morning despite feeling like I could give up. I’m glad I did that. My body feels good and my brain, despite telling me I’m tired, exhausted, sleepy etc, is feeling good too.

Today I’m grateful for:

My little plastic toe separator for my left foot’s big toe, trying to push it back into line and hopefully ease the pain in the main joint. I’ve tried a few others but they have ended up being painful to wear for long periods. This one I can wear all the time (except when wearing shoes).

The best thing about today was:

A sudden feeling in my feet that was free of pain. It was really noticeable though only lasted for a couple of seconds. I will be pleased if this is a sign of moving towards pain-free feet. I know this is an odd thing to list as the best thing but I was shocked when I felt it. In my negative thought mode, I wonder if perhaps my pain receptors are turning off instead!

Something I learned today?

Thaksin came back to Thailand after 15 years in exile and went straight to jail. He’s 74 years old and has health issues and the talk is that he will have to serve 8 years in prison. This all happened on the same day his old political party made a deal with their foes to form a government without the party that won the election earlier this year. There’s something tricky going on for sure!

What am I curious about?

Hmm.. I feel a lot less curious about things these days. As with the quote from the other day, I’m aware that there is so much I don’t know but I’m also not concerned with it either.

Maybe I’m curious about how long I will live and be able to ward off senility and fragility. I’m not really fighting against it but trying to maintain what health I do have. Ultimately it doesn’t matter.

I’m less curious about music these days as I have so much backlogged that it’s overwhelming. If I was still involved in a scene I would be more motivated to keep looking for new things. I kinda miss that but enjoy other things instead.

I’m curious about how I feel when I fly to Australia in October. This will be my first time in Australia for a short holiday, much like we would do every couple of years from Australia to Thailand. I’m not looking forward to the prices though!

I took this picture because it took me a moment to realise what this was from inside the door. This beauty is bigger than my hand.

Spreading The Pain – 10th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 16 Comments

I hate myself and I’m letting go
I’m about to tell you what I know
Transferring hate counters my pain
Until I start to feel the hate again

A vicious circle, beyond my control
I chose to further damage my soul
If you refuse this hate from me
How will I ever learn to be?

Closed my mind to all your tales
All my successes feel like fails
I found myself brought to my knees
To spread more pain as I please

A walking contradiction runs away
From all the friends that want to play
A pain no longer able to bear
And no helping hands left to care

A loser in life, love and existence
Taking the path of least resistance
Kill me now, I’m scared to commit
Suicide – I just can’t do it

8th Jan 2026 – Shared with What’s Going On – letting go

Today I’m feeling:

Bleary but upbeat. I hung around at school for an hour, enjoying hanging out with all the many students I know and even some I don’t know. I came out for coffee but sitting here for a couple hours has seen my energy levels fall and I decided to cancel my class this afternoon and go home, especially as Amy leaves again tomorrow morning.

Today I’m grateful for:

Some sun breaking through for an hour or two to dry our washing. I still have a couple of doonas to take to the laundromat that will need washing and drying which I’ll try and do this weekend.

The best thing about today was:

Coming home to find that Amy had mopped and vacuumed before she leaves tomorrow. As we have another long weekend coming I can enjoy a clean and relaxing house.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

We’d told Aing that I fly to Australia on October 12th so asked her to come here on the 11th. As I had to tell Bronwyn and Jochen what dates I would be there I thought to double-check my flight details and discovered that I actually leave on the 9th! Luckily we hadn’t booked her ticket already! With a few messages back and forth everything is confirmed and we’re good to go!

Something I learned today?

I watched another Jerry’s Take On China about how the US is stirring up trouble in the South China Sea about a reef claimed by both China and the Philippines. Amazing how easily reality can get distorted through the lens of corrupt and compromised media. I find it difficult to reconcile that I’m more likely to trust Chinese state media these days. At least in amongst the weirdly Asian political presentation style it is just generally facts that are stated. No opinion or bias just plain reporting. The criticism will be that it is completely biased to the party’s doctrine but that criticism can also be directed to any Western media these days too. No matter the many-party system, there is really only one party. As the old saying goes, ‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the government always wins’.

What are some of my favourite song lyrics?

All the quotes that I entered here for 2022 I entered into a little notebook to send to Hayden. As there was lots of space left I decided to fill it with lyrics that I love. But when going through them and looking at them as words they somehow lose their impact. Some words carry their emotion in the way they are sung along with the memories of sweet times gone.

I took this picture because I received a nice package from Reece in the USA containing the Flesh Narc compilation which I will release soon, along with a whole slew of bonuses that I will have to find time to enjoy.