“Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But, since no one was listening, everything must be said again.” – Andre Gide
I am so happy and grateful that we can listen to Australian radio online. It’s nice to hear familiar English language voices even though it’s mostly vacuous nonsense. I know it makes Amy feel more comforted to listen. I’m thinking that we will end up back in Australia in the next ten years.
Woke up today with huge indecision about the future. Last night Amy and I discussed what we might do in the future and whether we are happy where we are at this time.
Amy’s reverse culture shock has been getting her down a lot and she is itching to go back to Australia – whether just to visit or to make more long term plans. She says once her parents have passed that she has no compulsion to stay in Thailand.
Combined with news that our school’s budget has been cut and we will have to teach more classes, containing more students, it’s a somewhat depressing look ahead. I would be happy not to work at all. I can ‘be’ in any place or country and the advantage for me here is that I don’t necessarily have to work, whereas in Australia it would be a must just to survive.
The current plan is that Amy goes to Australia for 3 to 6 months once there are less travel restrictions and I carry on teaching (or perhaps stop – to be considered) and then when Amy returns we start doing some sort of business on our land and see how that goes. If that keeps us both happy, then we stay and if not then maybe we have to decide to pack up and think about our options in Australia.
I started this post with these pictures of the summer garden taken a couple of weeks ago, but bigger thoughts have taken over. Let’s see how our garden grows.
24th Mar 2023 – The plan I discuss above is still in progress. Amy will have been in Australia on and off for almost two years by the end of this year and will come back then and again consider doing some business on our land. Things are a little more normalised after the 2 or 3 years of pandemic restrictions. The mulberries are going crazy again this year too. I wish the sky were as blue today as it is in these pictures. Today’s AQI is 224 (Very unhealthy).
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for our wheelbarrow. Yesterday I used it to move a whole heap of rocks to the other side of the garden. Without my wheelbarrow, this would’ve been a real pain. I’m also grateful for our big shovel too. this helped me get all the rocks into the barrow. They are both bright orange – like lots of garden equipment here in Thailand.
The best thing about today was getting a gift from Am and Tee. It’s just a mug but I liked Am’s explanation for choosing it.
I taught Maeve online again tonight and that was really a pleasure – she’s a bright and enthusiastic learner so time went quickly.
I tried to practice guitar after that but somehow my fingers and brain aren’t quite connecting. That happens sometimes. If it’s not coming together after ten minutes, put it down and try again tomorrow.
Empty nonsense in here. Bitch Magnet – John Fine – Your Band Sucks. Reminds me of me. Just wanted to rock.
What is life outside? Happiness – I’m content but Amy is so unhappy. Resolution must be found. It’s easy here for me, my style makes it easy. But I can live anywhere – I just don’t want to make my life harder. I don’t see the point. But we will start thinking about how and when to move back to Australia. I can live anywhere so long as I have my things around me. I have lots I want to do and can be done from anywhere.
Poor Amy I don’t like to see her so sad.
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for all my years of life. I’m reading Jon Fine’s book at the moment and it takes me right back to the desperate feelings I had in my early twenties. Those feelings got us both to where we are today, for better or worse. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to be able to look back and reflect on this.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to watch the football in Australia from here in Thailand. It’s a nice feeling when your team does well.
To-do list
Damn, something happened to me on Sunday. I went to visit Matt and he showed me all his cool modular gadgets which was pretty interesting. After a couple of hours though I suddenly felt like I’d had enough and left quite abruptly. I didn’t really understand it – it seemed like it was time to go.
I got home and felt ok but perhaps a little odd. Amy came home and we got into a ridiculous argument over nothing so I went to lie down and breathe away the emotions. Then suddenly I felt super tired so took a shower and went to bed. This was at about 6 pm.
Apart from waking up at different times for about 3 hours total I slept through until Tuesday morning! I just felt completely exhausted and had a headache and wondering if I still have some residual pain from the work on my tooth (headache is on that side). I can also imagine this made me cranky on Sunday too.
Needless to say, I didn’t get much of anything done during this time. Now I’m having to run around to prepare things for my visa. Our annual fun week!
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that we will go out today to take our cats to the vet.
Krishna descends to this planet every 8.6 billion years and this purpose is stated in Bhagarad-gita and we have to accept it as is; otherwise there is no point in trying to understand it!
Swami
To-do list
I taught Bruce today though actually, I didn’t really teach him anything. We ended up talking about Chinese history and how things repeat themselves. I should try and talk to more people – though I don’t really need a high quota to be happy, I have to be aware that I don’t cut everyone off.
I talked with Hayden for a little while today too. He seems to be doing okay under the conditions of the lockdown in Australia.
I watched some of Joe Rogan’s interview with Andrew Yang about Universal Basic Income and I’m starting to consider Hayden’s attitude to work may serve him well in the future, maybe at least not wasting his time and energy on a career that leads nowhere or is made redundant by technology and automation. He still needs to master himself in self-motivation and hard work for himself though.
I’m still confused about my own direction in continuing teaching at the moment. If we move to online teaching it will remove one of the things that I enjoy about teaching and that is the connection I have with the students.
And why waste time working hard when this virus could just stop me dead at any time? If we have only a year left, do I want to spend it in the frustrations of this teaching system? But I guess I shouldn’t be thinking like that (and I am still, very slowly, preparing lessons).
I am so happy and grateful for my books and my newfound pleasure in reading.
Everybody now has at least two cars, two television sets and a haunted look in their eyes. In short – we are happy.
Albert Umber
To-do list
Thursday now – we took the cats to the vet in the city for vaccines. It was good to be out if only very briefly and directly – no dilly-dally.
There’s talk of having to teach our classes online in the new semester – not sure how well that will work and not sure how enjoyable it might be. A challenge – but is it a challenge I want to take? I suppose I would still like to be doing something – let’s see.
Amy has been even more vocal about not wanting to stay here anymore and I think she will go to Oz as soon as it’s feasible again and we’ll get our heads around moving back there. We can’t really do it until Cap and Tigger have gone though – taking them back isn’t really possible.
I am so happy and grateful for the fantastic books I’m reading.
The haunting fear that other people are having a wonderful time.
The School of Life
To-do list
Feeling a little unmotivated at the moment. I think may be due to the uncertainty of the future because of the virus.
The air quality is also putting me off from even going to work in my room – just want to sit in the one room with the air purifier and watch TV or read books. So tired and lazy, I fell asleep at around 10pm. I should be doing the things listed above but I don’t feel the urgency.
Amy is also talking more about her inability to live in Thailand anymore so our longer-term plans may involved a big move back to Australia. I feel a little disappointed with this but don’t want to keep Amy here if she can’t be happy. Her positive attitude has been slowly dissolved by her experience here over the last two years – not just with society in general but also with her parents and family.
As I’m feeling older and less inclined to be working, Thailand, despite its faults, feels like a better option to me. Amy is younger and still has the energy to work hard but our finances will be back to survival levels in Australia. I can live anywhere though so it’s not as important for me.
I am so happy and grateful to be able to afford to fly to visit my friends.
Hanlon’s Razor – never attribute to malice what be attributed to stupidity.
To-do list
It was a terrible start to the day as Amy and I fought over money and my travelling. I was so upset I wanted to cancel my plans and not go to KL. I don’t feel like Amy’s frustrations are really about money or me travelling but more connected with her feelings about Thailand.
I want to suggest to her that she goes back to Australia later in the year and work there for three months and see how she feels. Something has to change.
My plan now is to try and enjoy 12 months more of teaching in the school and if I can’t get on with it then I will stop and just teach at home and online. I think Amy can go back to Australia and work if she really feels like money is going to be a big problem. It doesn’t have to be for six months at a time but that’s up to her.
Another possibility is that she really gets behind teaching at home. I feel like she hasn’t really invested herself into it to make it a viable income yet.
The other thing we should do is to sell the house. I’m sick of always having to think about money and if it is spoiling our happiness even when we live in a beautiful home then we can live anywhere. It doesn’t matter. So long as I can have a space to call my own and a happy Amy then that’s what I want.
“a parent catching her child with cigarettes and forcing him to smoke the whole pack.”
Despite my father dying of lung cancer when I was a baby, my mother kept smoking for another 15 to 20 years after, then gave up in her early 60s and lived for another 20 years, though she suffered from COPD in the last 5 or so years which restricted her a lot.
I grew used to her smoking though I actually have no real memory of her puffing on a cigarette. Of course it was only natural her naughty son would steal an occasional cigarette, find a way to light it and go off down the end of the garden and practice smoking. I could be an adult too.
It was a great game. Waiting for my mother to leave her packet unattended, gradually sneaking a couple more each time. I was never caught but I’m guessing she knew. When I had upgraded to smoking in my bedroom I would get caught once or twice and my mum just tutted and asked where I got the cigarettes from to which I would guiltily lie. She couldn’t really say much without looking like a hyprocrite.
I also upgraded to stealing my grandfather’s beer which he kept stored in an outdoor shed. I loved the feeling alcohol gave me. I also remember being able to open my gullet so the liquid went straight down without gulping. A talented 13 year old I was becoming.
When my mum gave up smoking I had already started earning my own money and had developed my own addiction. I was proud of her giving up. I still hated myself too much to try. It wasn’t until much later when my son was born that I eventually stopped and that took a huge effort. At that point I was still secretly smoking at work and stuffing down packets of mints so my wife wouldn’t detect it. But eventually I stopped.
I still have dreams about that and sometimes I hit lucidity within the dream and wonder about the fact that I still smoke sometimes. It’s a weird feeling. I really hate the smell of burning cigarettes now and try to avoid going to bars and restaurants where smoking is permitted, something which is still common throughout Asia.
If the Chinese want to make a silent protest towards their government they should surely quit smoking and stop that tax money ending up in the pockets of their leaders! But cigarettes are like a handshake there, a different cultural definition.
Anyways, I was never forced to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes fortunately, though everyone knew the story of some kid that it had been forced upon. Did it ever happen or is it just urban legend?
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful that I could quickly get over an injustice towards me.
I am so happy and grateful that I don’t have to teach today because the students are doing exams.
To-do list
A long day stuck in the classroom with nothing to do but read, which was OK, just a little lacking in stimulation. My eyes hurt from looking at the screen so much.
I went to the psychiatrist after school and got new medication. I mentioned to him I had had a difficult emotional event on Monday but after a short period of time I have managed to overcome it. It felt good to tell him about this.
It later got me thinking about how much I trust this person to open up to because I feel a little judgemental towards him as he is from a different culture. Is that fair? Probably not. But it is important to talk to someone you feel comfortable with.
In the evening we went to Nong Nik’s graduation dinner. Amy drank quite a lot and showed a lot of love and affection to her mum. As we drove home though she was very animated about her frustrations with living in Thailand. It’s an ongoing source of concern and I’m not sure how to help. Moving back to Australia isn’t a very realistic option for us at the moment.
I am also not quite happy at the moment either. This could be connected with Kimi’s death which has made me re-evaluate things somewhat. Amy says I can quit school any time and she will go work in Australia. This is a possibility but I still would like to see if I can remain happy at a school and learn to deal with the stupid events better.
Thursday is another easy day of teaching and I will try to enjoy it as much as I can, stay in the present. Remember to breathe, remember you could die tomorrow. Let’s try not to make anyone cry today.
I am so happy and grateful for the heater in my car this morning. It feels very cold!
Learning how to sit still and obey others is the necessary prerequisite to learning how to sit still and obey yourself.
thought on Chinese education at Slate Star Codex
To-do list
Had a lot of free time again today for which I’m very grateful. I wrote a few things down from what I was reading which made me realise that that is what I should be doing all the time.
An interesting Daily Stoic article talked about morning starts – movement, mindfulness, mastery. Things that I have been starting to do more and more anywhere. I feel like I have become a happier and more rounded person recently – still not challenged by a highly emotional event though.
A new challenge for this book is to recall and savour a time/event in my past and do this every night for five minutes or so. Tonight I will think about the time I helped Limited Express (has gone?) to tour Australia.
Tomorrow I was thinking about going somewhere else to buy coffee just to use my Curiosity Character Strength (which I did today by driving back home a different route) but Amy is taking the care so I’ll think about that for another day. I want to try many of the different examples of performing to Character Strengths just as an extra challenge.
Another important thing I learned today is that experiences make us happier than material things and I want to keep that in mind.
1994ever 