A little tired but in a good mood. I’ve been waking up before my alarm quite often which is a little annoying as I know I’m not getting quite enough good sleep. This morning as I was dozing and waiting for my alarm to go off I wondered if it was because I was excited to exercise. That was quite an interesting thought for me.
I moved on to Intermediate leg exercises this morning and got through it pretty easily. I don’t think I can move up to Intermediate arm exercises yet though. I still don’t have the strength in my back, shoulders and arms yet and I’m still waiting for my right shoulder to fully recover before getting back into even the Basic exercises that I normally do.
Today I’m grateful for:
All the drivers that let me cut into their queues so that I could get to work a little quicker this morning (actually every work morning!). Traffic is getting busier and busier along the bypass now and the dumb traffic light systems they have in place frustrate everybody.
Anyway, I will let people in when I am in a similar situation and see other folks being in a hurry.
The best thing about today was:
Getting paid! But now I have to be really careful with the reduced payment again this month.
Can I stick to no more than two coffees a day and nix the third that I have every other day or so? Buy less snacks, no candy for the kids, no meat sticks for the pups….?
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
As soon as I got paid I settled my account with Gui at House. That was just over 1000 baht! Gah!
He has offered to let me pay once a week before but I told him I didn’t want to do that because I can fool myself by only paying 130 baht a day, convinced that that amount is acceptable. But seeing 1000 baht a week…..that I can’t rationalise!
Something I learned today?
Today was Baitoey’s birthday. I only taught her a little bit last year and she was quite quiet in class but she is always friendly and playful with me since then. I gave her 5 baht as a gift because that was the only money I had in my wallet! My last 5 baht!
Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10
My old student Noah was complaining about T. David this morning and then in the afternoon, after they had a class together T. David complained about Noah and her attitude. So I thought I would message her and see what the story was.
She said she has given up in his class because he goes too fast and she doesn’t understand. When she told me that other students do understand I encouraged her to ask them for help (though I know she has struggled to make good friends in this class). I told her not to give up and that I will help encourage her as much as I can.
Kru Ning talked to me a little after our classes about some of the grade 7 students we share as they sometimes don’t show up to her class, or do little or nothing whilst there. I confirmed that they were a little difficult to get motivated and gave her my suggestions though I struggle with them too.
It was nice to actually have a Thai teacher ask my opinion, or for my help, with our students. I guess usually they don’t because perhaps they don’t want to admit that they are in that situation or admit that perhaps a foreigner might have another angle or useful idea.
I took this picture because when I got home I found a package from Ryu in Tokyo with his Stacked State CDs and t-shirt plus his solo CDs. I will listen to them tomorrow. A weekend of furious fastcore.
Running from myself, running into stories Running for my life, running past old glories Rolling like a rebel gathering no moss Rolling around, pretending to be the boss Running from stories, running into myself Running out of ideas, stuck up on the shelf Running along so fast, ran up to the top Running into tomorrow and I’ll never ever stop
A little underwhelmed again today. I thought about things I could do with my spare time until Amy decided to fill up the day with various tasks. Maybe it will avoid the inclination to have an afternoon nap.
Today I’m grateful for:
Finding two inexpensive trees to plant that will hopefully end up providing shade for the kitchen. Amy’s mum said that they grow really fast. Tomorrow I will have to dig the holes for them but it shouldn’t need to be too deep.
The best thing about today was:
Eating a typical Aussie-style hipster breakfast of smoked salmon on smashed avocado on toast with fried egg. A bit of a treat as I rarely eat foreign food when Amy is not here.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
I can’t quite rise out of this subdued mood. I have no enthusiasm or inspiration. There’s no spark of life in me right now. I just have to keep going knowing that perhaps tomorrow will be a little better.
Amy and I haven’t discussed what happened on Friday night and there still seems to be a little tension in our communications.
Something I learned today?
Today is Paen’s (Baitoey) birthday. She sent a simple ‘Happy birthday to me’ message before telling me that no one in her family remembered or did anything for her. That is terribly sad, if true. I didn’t dwell on that and instead wished her the best for the future.
I took this picture because I’ve been paying attention to trees and flowers as we went looking for possible trees to put next to our kitchen for some shade in the future. The tree we liked was about 20,000 baht including transportation and placement. Nice but we need to spare money for other things.
Cold eyes watch the quiet shuffle Into the box of hungry confession A crust of bread, two glasses of water A dogmatic ritual obsession Mary and St John aside the cross Glare ominous at this loathsome boy Bowing down, accepting absolution Returning soon cleansed with joy
*based on Anton Chekov’s In Passion Week
Today I’m feeling:
Happy though I have a runny nose and feel a little run down.
Today I’m grateful for:
My students Nice and Stamp keeping me up to date with their classmates’ news and gossip, though it made me a little sad to see them all splitting up at the end of the semester.
The best thing about today was:
Getting my work permit sorted without any waiting time or problem.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
Baitoey decided to tell her mum that she went to the hospital and that I took her. Her mum then called the school to ask if they knew about this and eventually Kru Tongjai contacted me about it. She said that she has to be informed if any of her students go outside the school just in case anything happens, which I understand. The thing is that I didn’t know who I should have contacted at the time and I wondered if Baitoey would have still wanted me to take her to the hospital if she had to tell Kru TJ first. I knew it was a delicate situation and could cause me trouble but I considered Baitoey’s trust and health first.
Something I learned today?
Talking with Nice today she told me about her own battles with her mental health and showed me where she had cut herself on her arms. She also mentioned that she didn’t know what to believe about Boss and Baitoey because they have a history of being flexible with the truth. It did make me consider that perhaps they had lied to me but I don’t think so. Even if things weren’t quite as they said they are still obviously having issues and maybe not sure how to express themselves.
What values will guide my choices this year?
Fairness, kindness, understanding. As generalisations at least! What choices will I face? There are none of significance on the immediate horizon.
I took this picture because it was the last one before my battery ran out, taken at the Kasalong Restaurant, PB Valley on Saturday. No new pictures today.
A bridge is beckoning And she’s holding the rope Talk of a reckoning Now unable to cope Don’t take that flight Out of selfish pride Step up to the fight Your future undenied The love you never felt Maybe on its way Fold the hand dealt Here to stand and stay
Today I’m feeling:
Happy in myself, a little stressed for others.
Today I’m grateful for:
The kind psychiatrist that talked with me and Baitoey about her problems and ideas to help her. Baitoey scored very poorly on her psychiatric evaluation and I didn’t realise quite how bad she is feeling. The psychiatrist was nice, calm and helpful though and asked me to come back with Baitoey if she doesn’t want her parents to come next time.
The best thing about today was:
I had an enjoyable time walking around school and watching different sports events that many of my students are involved in. There was a really good atmosphere, and everyone was having fun.
What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?
When I got to the hospital with Baitoey it was just as they closed the department for lunch for an hour. Instead of just sitting there I decided to head to TLC to pick up my work permit documents and swing by Oasis to pick up food for dinner. When I got to TLC there was no one there but I messaged and waited for a bit and eventually, Nancy appeared with my documents. I jokingly asked if the application money was there too and was shocked when she said that TLC would reimburse the fee this year! Cool! Baitoey waited patiently in the car and then we headed to Oasis but when we got there it was shut! Damn, I was looking forward to their food too! Oh well, never mind. We got back to the hospital in time just as they reopened again.
Something I learned today?
Old mate Dean Crowe is playing in a band called Potential and will tour New Zealand and catch up with Kieran and Chrissie there. I want to go to NZ again!
What would I like to savour or enjoy more often this year?
I’d like to enjoy better health and having more energy. To savour doesn’t really come into it because savouring can come at odd times, sometimes unexpectedly.
Art and I took these pictures on Saturday because as I was taking the picture of P’ti he was taking the picture of me.
With an easy week last week, no classes on Monday as it was Teachers’ Day and lots of kids skipping school on Friday as it was Chinese New Year made for a nice relaxing lead into the weekend.
On Saturday morning I couldn’t quite decide if I was motivated enough to do anything but eventually, I forced myself out after riding my pushbike to Utopia and back and washing Amy’s doona, which one of our cats had thrown up on. It took all day and several goes in the machine to get it clean and spun, it’s heavy when full of water and stops the machine sometimes and by the evening I gave up and hung it out wet.
So at around 10.30 am I dropped a vial of acid and headed out on little Fino, magical mystery motorbike, with a plan to finally find the way to Mae Chan through the mountains to see how easy it is to avoid the checkpoint. I already knew it wasn’t easy but I’d never actually completed a round trip.
The last time I tried was at the end of the rainy season and that was when I got covered in lots of mud. This time the dirt tracks were flattened rock hard and further on, became a dusty powder.
With a little detour I found the route and as the acid kicked in I felt a wonderous bond with the earth. The valleys of jungle descending to rice fields and streams shone in the golden light and deep blue sky.
On this outward journey, I noted several side roads that looked interesting and thought to investigate on the return. At the end of the valleys, an old village of weather-worn farmers and cute kids and then soon to my destination. It had taken much less time than I expected so those side roads were ripe for investigation.
Up along ridges, riding through pineapple fields, high gradient, still damp earth tracks that I wondered if I could cruise back down without overheating the brakes, off into the forest, where I opted for the new path rather than the familiar, ending up I-don’t-know-where but just kept going because all roads lead to somewhere (most of the time!).
After an hour I hit some paved road and another village of old people and cute kids. As I sat at a junction, one way saying ‘the way out’ but the other way begging me along, an old man with red teeth, high on betelnut maybe, came forward and I asked if I could go on ‘the way in’ and he waved me on with a belly laugh.
And the way in was more beautiful valleys, one after the other.
A beam of light in the distance caught my eye and through a small field, another valley shone as golden hour approached I rode on until I woke up a farmer in his shack, who quickly put on some pants and wandered out to the path. I apologised for making him get dressed as his beautiful dogs came to play. He suggested there was no way out if I kept going and this time I deferred to his judgement and turned back, chuckling at the apparent serenity of this farmer’s life and wondering of the stories he would tell about this stupid farang riding his little bike deep into the middle of nowhere.
And so I went on, reasonably confident I was heading somewhere and new beautiful valleys appeared around every corner, even though they all look the same. It’s amazing to imagine all these places exist and are not just photographs in National Geographic.
Riding between two rice fields I suddenly hit some smashed-up concrete blocks that would have been dumped here in the mud during the rainy season to provide some grip. Now they were embedded in the solid ground and crumbling with each tyre that hit them. Unfortunately, I hit one at the wrong angle and it sent my front wheel off into the powdered earth and keeling over to a sudden stop, throwing me off in front, and perhaps I jumped a little too in an effort to get away from this heavy machine that could land on my leg.
I tumbled forward, hitting my chest on the ground and twisted onto my back where I then also hit my head on the hard earth and came to a stop. I looked at the sky from my new bed of dust, blinked, and mentally surveyed my body, triggering memories of times previous when I’d hit my head or an object had hit it, with that loud stinging ping. I picked up my arms to readjust my glasses and started laughing! Then I slowly and gingerly got up.
As I twisted onto my side I felt a pain in the right side of my chest and my thumb where some skin had come off. Not too bad, considering! I picked up Fino, who had survived completely intact and soldiered on with some laboured breathing as the excitement of events still rattled my body.
On and on until finally back to paved road again and eventually the main road. But still, in the golden hour that lasts from about 3pm to 5.30pm depending on where you are, I went on to investigate PB Valley – some kind of resort with a pretty lake and waterside restaurant. It looked well-maintained but hard to tell if it was being used. There was no one around and a lone security guard sat in the shade away from the gate and motioned me to just go ahead. I wondered who would come all this way to stay here. There didn’t look like there was enough entertainment within the resort and apart from an elephant camp a few kilometres away there’s not much else around.
Eventually, I weaved my way home, waving to various kids and shouting hello and I wondered about the possibilities of doing something for these kids. I have these big ideas at times like this but never feel the push to investigate more, perhaps scared of overcommitting and knowing that these kids need more than just irregular fun visitors.
Finally home and evaluating my injuries after a good shower, I think I’ll be ok. Though as I’m writing this two days later I’m contemplating a checkup at the hospital. I think if I do have a cracked rib though there’s nothing that can be done.
Saturday night I woke up to more cat-sick sounds and a quiet Sunday saw me washing my doona and hoping that at least one of them would be dry by evening.
This week at school is Sports Day (Sports Four Days!) so no classes til Friday and I’m guessing lots of kids will skip that day too. I’ll just have to walk around a couple of events each morning before heading off for coffee and home. Sabai Sabai!
My old student Baitoey contacted me as she heard that I took Boss to the hospital on Friday and she wants to do the same, so I will help her this week too. I’m a little worried that I may get some flack for helping these kids but feel duty-bound to offer help in any way I can. The more kids I speak to, the more I see that they need emotional support. Some can manage themselves but others are really struggling and when they say they don’t want to live anymore then I have to do something.
That’s the end of this book but surely not the end of the story.
Why is this time dead? A month to end the year When will the winter wane And snowfalls start to clear?
Eternal hope for spring Give us one more go Young buds march on pretty Running beyond the slow
Why is December dying And January a start? Run no more towards the sun Temper your beating heart
Darkness must fall before we are aware of the majesty of the stars above our heads.
Stefan Zweig
Today I’m feeling: Tired, dizzy but in an ok mood. Today I’m grateful for: Amy’s friends to take her up to Doi Chang overnight for a drunken adventure. The best thing about today was: Finding an interesting youtube channel of a Chinese girl travelling from Europe to China. It’s nice to see this kind of video from a non-western perspective. Another thing was my old student Baitoey sending me a recording of her playing an online kalimba. She played Happy Birthday and wanted me to hear it. That was very nice of her and I appreciated it. What was out of your control today and how did you handle it? I wasn’t sure when Amy would be coming down from the mountain. She called at 10 am and it seemed like it would be early afternoon but it turned out to be around 6pm and by that time she was drunk already and we had to get through some shopping at Makro. She was in a good happy mood and I just let her be herself and everything was groovy. Something I learned today? From watching the youtube mentioned above I got a quick tour around the small Chinese city of Guangde in Anhui and it made me want to go there. Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind. The tune to We Three Kings as I was just playing it on guitar. It didn’t sound terrible!
I took this picture because this is the view from my afternoon position at Utopia because it’s busier than the morning and my usual table isn’t available. For afternoon coffee I drink a Dirty, a creamy milk with a shot on top, with chocolate shavings.
“A person who knows little likes to talk, and one who knows much mostly keeps silent. This is because a person who knows little thinks that everything he knows is important, and wants to tell everyone. A person who knows much also knows that there is much more he doesn’t know. That’s why he speaks only when it is necessary to speak, and when he is not asked questions, he keeps his silence.”
-Jean Jacques Rousseau (via Tolstoy’s Calendar of Wisdom)
“I’m not sure of much of anything these days. Maybe that’s why I talk so much.”
-Robert Pirsig from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
I read these two quotes from different sources today, also reflecting on the ‘loud’ Thai people in my work environment and it was made more poignant as at this time they were congratulating two other foreign teachers for picking two correct numbers on the lottery. No one won anything that I could discern, as more correct numbers were needed but because they had two correct this seemed to indicate a mad belief in their fortune-telling skills.
This nonsense talk went on for a while and at a volume that chased any hiding cockroaches out of the room. I think for a lot of Thai people, it is all about the show and not about the reality. I’ve mentioned before my sense of this whilst living here. It still jars but rather than say anything this time, I tried to see things for what they were – and kept my mouth shut. (Until writing this, of course!)
Gratitude Journal
I am so happy and grateful for the foam rollers that help me to massage out any pain and tension in my back. Sometimes the relief is awesome – especially after sleeping awkwardly.
The best things today was that everyone was in a fairly happy mood as students were celebrating graduation. They all complained about having to wait, especially as the temperature rose up to 38 degrees or so.
It was a lot of fun to see everyone so relaxed. I especially enjoyed talking with Porpieng, Momo and Junior in the morning. I also talked with Baitoey and Bonus. Baitoey had written about her family situation and how unhappy it made her and how difficult it was for her to concentrate on school work. She wrote that she was depressed, her parents fight all the time – it seems her mum was only 17 when she had Baitoey – and her dad is not much older.
Baitoey had also thought about suicide. I told her my own dealings with depression and that she should know that she is loved – by me, Bonus and her friends. But also that she must consider her own love first and that is important when she can’t get it anywhere else.
I think she felt happy and relieved to write those things down even though it was so hard for her and she still can’t see a way out of the fog. I care about my students so much.
I taught online this evening and although I wasn’t really looking forward to it, even thinking of cancelling, it went well. Luckily this student is fairly capable and seems very motivated. Sometimes it’s hard to stay motivated went he student doesn’t really understand you or doesn’t have enough vocabulary to think deeper.
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