Tag: Bee

Last Library Lost – 30th July 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 10 Comments

High on the dusty fumes
Amongst friends old and new
Above us, a high ceiling looms
And a door beckons us through

There are tiny beautiful things
Collected to devour
High above, a princess sings
With such emotional power

Such candies of peace and war
Looking for old times lost
Not knowing what to look for
Or worrying about the cost

Along creaky floorboards and stairs
The world can be travelled at home
There’s nothing else that compares
To reading in one’s own comfort alone

Cries for love in poetic rhyme
Tears for another’s book burning
Forever backwards travelling time
A whole world ready for learning

17th Jul 2024 – Submitted to Word of the Day Challenge
25th Sep 2024 – Submitted to Moonwashed Weekly Prompt – Poetic

Today I’m feeling:

Undecided. Still a little weary and the skies are dull and grey again though at least there is rain to make the pleasure of staying inside more appealing.

After lunch of Amy’s homemade lasagna, it’s difficult to stay awake and I thought I could play guitar but Amy has gone for a lay down so I’m struggling through. It seems to have gotten darker throughout the day somehow, the mountains drenched in dark most, as the farmer backs and forths through the watery paddy.

Today I’m grateful for:

The wind, our fans and the humidity. Despite it raining today and as it was forecast for the whole week I decided to wash my bedsheets, hang them on the terrace and shove the fan on them. Tonight I’m back in the big bedroom with clean sheets and another fan. Amy is out with Nut tonight and if she comes back late and drunk she can possibly not disturb me if I’m already sleeping.

Amy invited Bee to go with them but never got any reply before she left. Bee had commented on a photo that Amy shared of us all out at dinner, ‘miss you so much’ etc. but we know that she won’t be allowed out by herself by George.

Who knows, maybe she did get out in the end. But I doubt it.

The best thing about today was:

Watching Sydney hang on against the Bombers in the AFL. We have a slim shot of making finals still this year though to be honest we probably don’t deserve it.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Just as I’ve been sitting here writing this Cap came in and pissed on Amy’s bed. A big one, FFS! Just as everything was starting to smell nice… 

I took the wet sheets and pillow and dumped them outside on the terrace then soaked up as much pee as I could before throwing a bottle of baby powder over the whole bed.

Something I learned today?

My OG student Momo messaged me today asking me what question to ask someone to find out what kind of person they are? Cute! She’s switched to the Japanese program this year but from what I understand her pertaining to, she is online chatting with an Italian guy using English. 

Quite amazing how far we’ve come from pen pals writing letters every couple of months to just being able to immediately connect with someone face-to-face on the phone.

Momo is a very intelligent and cute girl. She can snag a handsome Italian!

What is my favourite photo of the past month?

Oddly, it’s this one. I took four photos of these flowers which hang on big trees. None of the pictures were good but I zoomed in and cut the picture down to just this and it has something about it. The image has stuck with me.

I took this picture because these pretty dragon fruit flowers only look good for a day but they are big and cake-like fluffy. Still no fruit.

We got that attitude! – 26th July 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

I am so happy and grateful for all the lovely plants we have growing in our house. Plants help make a house into a home and I feel like this is home.

To-do list

  • Awards awards awards ½
  • Push yourself to workout on weekends
  • Compliment everything
  • A random act of kindness
  • Draw something again in the next few days

Well, that was not very successful with this list. After a picnic and party with George, Bee and Dylan (and Amy, of course) on Monday, I was too hungover on Tuesday to do anything that required much thinking. So I’m back on it today (Wednesday).

I realise how much drinking takes it out of me – interrupts my plans. It’s fun to be drunk sometimes but I’m finding it worth less and less. I prefer the happy high of life and living. I’m still pushing myself but finding myself more focused now.

I spent a good 6-8 months reading and researching many different ideas about thinking and being. I’ve trimmed this down a lot now – having understood much of the content and advice. Now I’m doing less thinking about thinking and slowly turning this into action and habit. Still working towards a better life for myself.

The Chiang Rai Alternative Hour #26 – 22nd February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Music from Magma, Sir Millard Mulch, Big Grump, Chemicals Made From Dirt, Vulk, El Rass, Les Baxter, Converge, Pile, Djang San, Honeymoon Killers, Monkees, The Misunderstood, Half Man Half Biscuit, Bondage Fruit, Moving Targets, 2227.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and thankful to George and Bee to be good friends we have made in Chiang Rai.

Those who don’t pay attention to their own thoughts and know their own minds are bound to be unfulfilled in life.

Donald Robertson

To-do list

  • Contemplate your death ½
  • Upload and record TCRAH ✅
  • Enjoy teaching today (stay in the moment) ½
  • WDS spreadsheet
  • Card for Tian ✅

My belly was giving me trouble today due to the chilli and alcohol mix last night. Despite that, the day passed happily enough. I even managed to ‘meditate’ for 30 minutes. I put the word in quotes as I wasn’t fully able to calm my mind, though I did relax and feel better after it.

In the morning I was quite tense but I think it was the effect of the coffee. Usually, I’m ok but not this morning.

I struggled through making another TCRAH episode but I persevered and did it. I was quite happy with myself.

I did, at various times during the day, remind myself that I may die at any time and I felt a strange feeling in my chest that focused me back in the moment. However, it merely reminded me of all the many things I want to get sorted in my room and I soon started back on that.

Tomorrow I will go and play basketball with Bruno. I hope that it will give me an opportunity for discussion about our views on life and maybe offer each other advice on our lives. Bruno is an emotional Italian and can get overexcited about things. He reminds me of me sometimes.

Whilst hanging with George gives me a positive energy boost he can also be somewhat relentless. Bruno may be a little in the negative direction and it’s not the way I prefer to go. However, it will remind me that the world is about balance.

Father, maternal grandfather, mother “centre of my orbit”, henry st. clair he was my friend, two-gun bob, auntie and me – 21st February 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Main image – Chris Neate

The cacophony of modern life also stops us from listening. The acoustics in restaurants can make it difficult, if not impossible, for diners to clearly hear one another. Offices with an open design ensure every keyboard click, telephone call and after-lunch belch make for constant racket. Traffic noise on city streets, music playing in shops and the bean grinder at your favourite coffeehouse exceed the volume of normal conversation by as much as 30 decibels, and can even cause hearing loss.

Kate Murphy (New York Times, Talk Less, Listen More)

First, please quiet the noise in my head.

The events of this past week have put me in a spin. Even as the sadness recedes somewhat, images pop up randomly, memories flicker; a pre-tear feeling appears in my chest and throat but is soon countered by my rationality and tucked back away.

While my mind wanders less there is a lack of clarity around my thoughts. A directionless, purposeless meandering. This is a different feeling to the one I was experiencing previously. Where I could sit in my class and concentrate with students running, shouting and screaming. Now it drives me crazy.

Image: Nick Blinko

All this adds up to limit my engagement, to cloud my listening ability. I can hear but I’m not listening.

Listening is a difficult skill to master. Made even more complicated by the sound-byte outrages of social media culture. I don’t feel that I have ever been able to listen properly. I want to practice the quietening of my own thoughts and be more fully engaged, whether in conversation, in watching videos and movies and to attempt that euphoric emotion when really listening to music.

I keep reminding myself to talk less, to shut up a little. Not to jump into what I want to say, to make my point or to win the argument. Just listen. And think.

Damn, this was hard to write today. It’s probably reflected in the scattered approach and execution. But every day I accept the challenge. Put words down on paper. Get thoughts out. Think, until clarity.

Hello and welcome to inconclusive arguments in today’s conference we have a psychologist, a guru, an athlete, a freak, a scientist, a dictator, an anarchist, a mass murderer, a composer, a human vegetable, and a complete outsider. let’s open the discussion with you, er huh what gives? that look of revelation on the athlete’s face – the complete outsider is the centre of attention – just what is the human vegetable doing to the psychologist, the freak is eating the mass murderer, o my god terrifying vistas of reality and our position therein are being opened up to us all, this is the worst thing that’s happened to mankind and in the studio they’ve opted for a new dark age but your commentator has gone stark staring mad.

New Dark Age by Rudimentary Peni

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have put myself on a better path. It’s a struggle but it will be worth it.

To-do list

  • Speak less – listen more – do not complain ½
  • Write a blog post ✅
  • Check George’s lesson plan again ✅
  • Do body scan and breathing concentration ½
  • WOOP ✅

A slightly disrupted day lessons-wise but at least it meant I only really taught one lesson so it was very easy.

I took some time to read before we went out for dinner and then later meeting Bee and George. Had a few drinks together but got the feeling that everyone was a little too tired to really relax and fully enjoy the night. I, myself, really struggled to get some thoughts out on the blog and I was writing about how confusing and unclear my thinking has been since Kimi passed.

I also started reading more about the Stoic contemplation of death which is something more on my mind now.

And now, slightly hungover, it’s a little difficult to find words.

Today I will attempt to remind myself that I may die tonight in an effort to push myself back into the moment.

A stagnant pool of bile… – 17th January 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

If you could share one message with the world, what would it be?

I can’t decide an answer to this – maybe – learn to love to read?

I think as having visited many different places around the world there is not one message that is applicable to one and all.

Of course, we can say ‘love each other’ but it is a tired cliche that also begs many questions. Many religions posited this stance but they all became twisted by human interpretation.

I guess the ‘learn to love to read’ phrase is pertinent to never stop learning and growing because it can apply to anyone at any age.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to have 3 happy playful cats in my life. I hope they remain healthy and don’t suffer any misfortune.

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

Isaac Asimov

To-do list

  • Get photos taken for work permit ✅
  • Enjoy spending time with George and Bee ✅
  • Write to Chrissie ½
  • Think about how you can show Kru Noon your appreciation
  • Savour what you can, show thanks ½

School was good today. All my classes went well and the kids were happy. Not so much the teachers! Kru Noon was upset again because she had to fill classes for Said who didn’t show up and couldn’t be contacted. Kevin was also upset because Kru Tam had made him look bad in front of his kids.

The day went quickly for me as I drove into the city a couple of times to get photos for my work permit.

After work, I finished reading Anna Karenina – phew! One of the first books that I want to read again.

Then a quick shower and pick up George and Bee to go for Indian dinner. I enjoy meeting them very much and George suggested talking with Nancy about Jimmy so that she can hear about it from me rather than from him or someone else in the future. The option of going to CRPAO is good to have as a choice next semester. George is always trying to convince me to do it.

Amy and Bee had good long happy talks as we moved to the Library to hang out for a couple of hours, drinking sweet shots of unknown alcohol. They both think that George and I live in a ‘beautiful world’ – ie we see everything as good and positive. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy to try and look at life this way and feel much happier for it. I prefer this thinking style over my older negative and cynical one for sure.

For Saturday I have a couple of classes in the afternoon and Amy will go out again in the evening. I’ll be happy with another night at home. Our home is definitely a ‘beautiful world’ despite the snakes.

New day rising – 29th December 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

This morning I am filled with a quiet happiness. Determined to get up early on a Sunday and to do something, whether it be a walk, a meditation, writing or studying, I rolled out of bed, fed the cats and opted to walk to my favourite local coffee shop, Utopia.

As I prepared food for the cats a light rain appeared. Unusual for this time of year but accurately predicted by our weather apps for once. Undeterred, I set out. The temperature still cool but the minimal exertion keeping me warmed I chose to listen to a reading of a Chekhov short story. The relative quiet around made for clear listening to the beautiful words of the story as I walked through small fields of wet grass and aspiring mud. Was I still in Thailand or transported to that Armenian village?

Before I knew it I had arrived at the shop but it was too early and as I waited on the porch I listened to a primer on Nietzsche and then an imagined conversation between Fred and Jane Austen where, despite their differences they arrived at a philosophical agreement and appreciation for each others works. Inspired by this I contemplated how everyone is different but we must be able to find some common ground.

The Nietzsche primer mentioned his text’s difficult reading but also highlighted his humour. Something which I had not been previously aware of. Friends have told me they preferred to read works about Nietzsche rather than his own. I will try this approach sometime. Sometime when I can add those books to my ever growing library.

The shop opened and I lazily drank through 3 coffees which produced a wonderful buzzing awareness of all the subtleties around me. Soon an acquaintance of Amy’s arrived, a Thai lady who runs her own English school. As this was our first meeting we talked about our shared experiences with teaching here in Chiang Rai.

Coffee and conversation

I lead the conversation for a while before realising it was time to let her speak and so I asked questions about her school and so the conversation flowed. I set myself a small challenge to try to talk to a stranger every day and thought to myself that I can cross this off today’s challenge list and it’s not even 10am.

Later though, as I was walking home, the rain a little heavier than before, I realised that I had failed in another of my personal challenges. Inspired by a Tim Ferriss article I read this week I have challenged myself to not complain about anything for 21 days. To remind myself about this challenge I have started wearing a bracelet, the purpose being that every time you complain you have to swap the bracelet to the other wrist. I have made this doubly difficult for myself by choosing a bracelet that is awkward to attach to oneself with one hand.

As the bracelet effect kicked in I thought back to the conversation in the coffee shop and asked myself if I had been complaining. Despite my mind’s protestations and justifications I sadly realised I had, indeed, been complaining. Perhaps only mildly but there is a fine line between stating the facts as they are and infusing a negative into the narrative.

In fact, the hardest part of this challenge is actually recognising that you are complaining. So long as it pushes to the forefront of my mind more and more it will help me become more aware of my own words and to try to understand how someone might feel whilst listening to me.

The walk home was still wonderous as I contemplated all this and listened to the description of beautiful Masha and the joy and sadness the narrator felt. This description was thought-provoking as I also was feeling so happy with life, despite the fact I was getting cold and wet in the rain. The walk crowned by the view of the feathery grass that spikes alongside our driveway, suddenly weighed down by the heavy drops of water, pointing towards the path home.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to be inquisitive. To want to constantly learn and understand myself. This morning I listened to a primer on Nietzsche which was interesting as an introduction because I don’t know enough about his philosophy. I then listened to an imagined conversation between Nietzsche and Jane Austen where there two apparent so different writers end up agreeing on many things. I walked to Utopia this morning too. A nice gentle walk and gave me chance to listen to these articles.

To-do list

  • Prepare Lazada order.
  • Upload TCRAH and record new ep.
  • Check more Wix options.
  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Next Thai video.
  • Install WP App and streamline Chrome windows.
  • WDS t-shirt options.
  • Dye hair.

Did it list

  • Uploaded TCRAH.
  • Read 3 chapters.
  • Walked to Utopia.
  • Talked with a stranger at Utopia.
  • Wrote blog post.
  • Stayed calm despite Amy being in a bad mood.

Missed a couple of days due to having George and Bee over on Friday and being lazy and hungover on Saturday. Did not do anything on my Saturday list so moved all to Sunday and still only managed half of them, though the day is not over yet.

On Friday I kept my challenge of playing with the kids so that I would get some exercise. However, after a while, they asked me to calm down. I was a bit rough and too competitive. I felt slightly aggrieved at that moment but did calm down some. When I thought about it afterwards I realised they were right. It probably wasn’t as much fun for them as it should have been. I need to learn about the consequences of my actions – even the small ones.

*Yes, no, you can’t, but you can if you know why – 15th November 2019

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

12 Questions

Who do you spend your time with?
Is this in my control?
What does your ideal day look like?
To be or to do?
If I am not for me, who is? If I am only for me, who am I?
What am I missing by choosing to worry or be afraid?
Am I doing my job?
What is the most important thing?
Who is this for?
Does this actually matter?
Will this be alive time or dead time?
Is this who I want to be?

21st Aug 2021 – As yet, still unanswered, although probably considered and written about since. I’ll get back to this.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful to meet George and Bee yesterday even though I will meet them again tonight. They are interesting and offer stimulating conversation. I can smile a lot around them.