Tag: Ben

I vacillate a lot or maybe not so much – 10th June 2020

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Alice Donut on brain jukebox today. Workers here already dig, dig, digging. Young fat Chinese-looking guy or maybe sumo.

Thai was tough this morning brain not ready. Stretch stretch stretch – feels good – my muscles are for a smaller body – muscles – 5 foot 10 my body 5 foot 11.

Making bed, so happy and grateful – imagine that I live in this house – wait! I do! We own it but in the end, we are just renting – we are not going to live forever. How lucky we are to be here. I have my room, my books, my CDs – everything. I love it. I have my health (just about!). Can I live to be 300? I feel like it might be possible! There’s things to do.

Wow, many thoughts seem clearer each morning now – maybe I’m not awake yet, need that coffee. Dream… Oh, wait I was dreaming about school I remember but now not sure. The more I try to remember the further away it gets. Time to meditate I bet when I do my mind will fill with ridiculous thoughts. Trying to remember that dream. Oh well, let’s practice.

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for everything around me in my life. I’ve been so happy with our wonderful home and with my time together with Amy.

To-do list

  • Find smoking video for Bruce ✅
  • Positive-smile-compliment-wish ½
  • Listen – respond with understanding ½
  • More Thai practice ✅
  • Actually draw mini-zine

Another simple, easy day with no real problems at school. George is still talking about conspiratorial faked moon landings and I can’t work out if he is really believing in these things or just trying to be provocative. I think it’s a bit manipulative to try and generate some discussion but it seems somewhat at odds to me with his usual calm and clear-headed thinking.

In the afternoon we met Kevin, Ben and Mike (three French teachers – teaching English) and I felt a little bit in conflict – particularly with Mike who I can’t help but be competitive with. He says things that make it seem like he knows things about me that he thinks are secret or don’t want him to know but actually, I don’t really have that feeling until he mentions them. I need to stop feeling like that at all and not play into that game – difficult as it is for me. I can realise my shortcomings, but can I act to improve on them.

In the morning Hayden contacted me and said he was in the psych hospital after having a panic attack and meltdown. He sounded very upset and it was a little difficult to try and find the right words to say to him. I can empathise with having negative thoughts and self-talk but personally never got to the point of panic.

He talked a little about what the causes of it were, though they are all external and are obviously upsetting for him to deal with but I don’t have a clear view of the whole picture.

I blame myself somewhat for not being a good enough role model and being absent in his life. I do think that I had given him my perspective on these things based on my own life experience but it can be hard for someone to comprehend until they go through it themselves. He shows many of the same traits I had at that age – self-doubt, low self-esteem etc. These are things I struggle with even now.

After talking with his mum to get more background it seems the stem of the current problem relates to his girlfriend who does not seem to be a person who brings him up but puts him down. There’s obviously some conflicting emotions going on for him and he’s struggling to deal with that.

Amy gives me her pointed advice and shows some frustration with me in not giving him a better foundation on which to build and when she asks me what I can do to help him I really don’t know what to say and then, what to actually do. Tough love is probably not the best option right now. His mum may wrap him up in cotton wool again and he still won’t learn how to deal with things for himself.

I hope he can accept that he might need medicinal and therapeutic help and arrive at the right conclusions for himself. I feel a little helpless and useless. I couldn’t be a good dad – just a person with the name, dad.

Nu and Aing came for dinner as Nu will leave on Friday. One by one our friends are leaving. I have just tomorrow to make some small gift so I really must make a mini-zine for him tomorrow and give it to him.

*The Week That Was – 22nd April 1985

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Record of the week: Husker Du – Anything

22nd April 1985
Everyone likes Husker Du – Yeah!

23rd April 1985
Some of my money went missing. I reckon it was Miller myself but I can’t prove it. Me, Big Crabb, Lee, Little Crabb and Ben had a fire – others at ice skating.

24th April 1985
Did not go to Youth Club.

25th April 1985
Mum reckons I might get the sack.

26th April 1985
Crabby bought computer round. Me and Lee got very merry.

27th April 1985
Been sacked – but got job back. He’s sacking Neil instead. Celebrated employment. Muz was seriously pissed. He’d been to a wedding.

28th April 1985
Went up Crabby’s to play computer.

*The Week That Was – 9th July 1984

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Record of the week: Organised Chaos (live), Cult Maniax – No More Beach Boys

9th July 1984
Got up. Went to school. Took the books back. Saw a few teachers there. Went down to Wimborne. Went to careers shit crap. Saw Jim. He’s coming over on Wednesday. Burd came over. We eventually found someone with some booze. Me and Muz got absolutely smashed.

10th July 1984
Went to Sharon’s. Not doing painting which pissed me off. Put dirt in a wheelbarrow and took it down garden. Rubbing down a couple of posts. Came back. Got ticket for Friday if it’s on. Met Jez, went to Ben’s. Did some taping. I came back. Watching a shit film.

11th July 1984
Got up. Jim came round. Listened to records for a while. Took dog. Went down shop. Then back. Jim rode my bike around. Went to Murray’s. I went and got a video. Watched it at Muz’s. American Werewolf in London. Jim went on. I had tea. Went to see Bernice. Came back. Don’t know what else I done. Suppose I went to sleep.

12th July 1984
Went to Sharon’s. Did this and that. Got wet. Sharon had a moan. I felt like telling her to piss off. Did more odd jobs in the afternoon. Came back. Started typing up PCH booklet. Did that all fuckin’ night. Can’t remember anything else. Whether anything happened or not I don’t know.

13th July 1984
Got up. Went to town. Got photocopying done of lyrics and some photos. Went down Poole. Left bike at Justin’s. Got coach. Got to Warminster. Got drunk on the way. Gig was an hour late. Self Abuse – good. Organised Chaos – excellent. Cult Maniax – good. Didn’t see much of the Subhumans cos had to catch coach. Walked up to Justin’s, rode home. Got back about 3.

14th July 1984
Malcolm Owen d. 1980. Got up. Felt fuckin’ knackered. Lounged around all day. Decided to go at 6. Went to Bernice’s. Went down pub cos there was some do on. John Lines bought me a drink. We then got 4 cans. Lines only wanted one. I went to Holloways. Got some photos. Had a drink. Came back. Was dark. That’s life.

15th July 1984
Got up. Lounged around again. Jez came over. I told him about my idea for a fanzine – he says he’ll help. He’s coming over tomorrow. He went on. Talked to Muz for a while. Came back. Doing PCH booklet. Went to sleep. Good weekend really.

*The Week That Was –11th June 1984

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Records of the week: Big Fat Beast – Roses are Red…, Pregnant Combine Harvesters – SDC rip-off job

11th June 1984
Got my mum’s record player yesterday – plays records at right speed now. Went into Wimborne. Saw Hatchard – the cunt. Saw Simon. He got me some fags. Came back. Went down track. Came round then Hinton Martell. Saw Carly who nicked some fags for me. Called for James S. Had a chat. Said I’ll buy Greg’s bike. Me and James went for a ride around. Still got back in time for Hill Street Blues.

12th June 1984
Got up at 10.30. Didn’t do much as usual. In fact, all I can remember is going over Jez’s. Went for game of snooker in which I won haha. Came back to watch the Young Ones which was pretty good. After that, I did practically fuck all but I must fill up these spaces, mustn’t I?

13th June 1984
Fucking alarm shocked me out of sleep. Fuckin’ maths exam. Piss boring. Managed to write six poems in front of Granny Gray. Came back. Had a bath. Took dog. Went down track. Filling in bits now, making it better. Came back for tea and went down again. Built a fucking massive fire and burnt some of the rubbish down there. England 0-2 Uruguay

14th June 1984
Got up, pissed around. Me and Jez were running around looking for Ben. Jez came over. We loaded stuff into car and mum took us over to Dominic’s. Left stuff there. Me and Jez walked to Verwood. I got slightly drunk on the way. Went to Goober’s. His mum took us back, started practicing. Went out, came back. Went in pub, got something to drink. Mum collected us and told me I had a job tomorrow.

15th June 1984
Got up at 6.15. Went to Lorna’s. Me and Stewart went to a house. Stripped a couple of windows. Ate sandwiches with Bob (?). He took us to Verwood where I was shifting blocks. Got 6 quid off Bob. Got 3 off Stewart. Came back. Went down to see James. We decided not to go and see Vicki so I stayed there and watched Class of 1984 which was ok. I’m sure Jello Biafra was in it. Also saw Airplane II.

16th June 1984
Got up 11.30. Went to Wimborne. Got the Entity which I’ll watch at James’ tonight. Took it to their place. Had a chat. Came back. Took dog. Went back to Wimborne. Got Sounds. Had a chat with some people. Roggo(?) got a tattoo. Came back. Watched telly til 8.15. Went down to Gaunts. Went to James’. Took us about an hour to get the video to work. Watched the Entity which was good.

17th June 1984
Got up 11.30. Fuckin’ knackered for some reason. Rung Jez. He came over. Rang Ben twice but he wasn’t there. Went down to Winton. Vince, (?), Dodds, Jim, Roo, Jez and me went. Self Abuse played bloody good. Madmass were bloody good as well. Cult Maniax also good. I didn’t stop dancing. Rupert was being a big fuckin’ prick. Came back. Took Vince back. He says he’ll drum for us.

*The Week That Was – 4th June 1984

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Record of the week: Black Flag – My War (again)

4th June 1984
Got up. Did this and that. Took dog. Burd came round. We did some practising til someone rang up and told us to stop. Did tape for Zoe and Sharon. Went down track later on with Jasp and Muz. Did a couple of fires and things. Got sofa from Houldey’s and put it in garage. Jez hates my painting. Haha.

5th June 1984
Got up at 7. Went to school. English in the morning. Went down town with Chesh. Came back. English all afternoon. I smell fuckin’ bad. Got home. Had a bath. Went down track. Everyone was down there. Muz, Martin and Scott chickened off down Hinton M. I went there later. Went to Frost’s and watched Young Ones. Met James and Greg. Had a laugh – remembering things. Watched Young Ones again on their video. Got back at 12.

6th June 1984
Got up at 10. Went to Wimborne to get stuff for Jasp. Met Jim. Had a chat. Came back. Gave Jasp – weedkiller. Came back then went back down. Did bloody everything. Made a fire jump which I went over. Came back again. Zoe rang. Had a decent chat. Cleaned (?) out. Went back down. Tried to start a fire. Martin got in a shit, literally. Had a laugh down at the school. Shit up Beki, Dandy and Becky. I hate Beki Houldey.

7th June 1984
Can’t remember much but I must’ve gone down to the track cos I didn’t do anything else. I was out this evening cos I missed Porridge. Jasper got done for making fireworks. Rode around the school on my moped. Had a laugh generally anyway. Me and Muz talked til about 10.30 and I came back.

8th June 1984
Went to Wimborne. Met Fog. We went to the Job Centre. I came back. Went down the track. Rung Jez up. He was going to Wimborne Disco. I went over to his place. Ben’s mum took us to Wimborne. Bought some booze. Saw Rupert the fucking cunt. Saw Jim. Jez went into the disco – the wally. Me and Ben stayed outside and drank people’s drinks. Ben got totally pissed and I was pissed. Rupert’s mum brought us back. Other things happened too daft to mention.

9th June 1984
Rupert’s mum brought Jez over to my place at 12. We didn’t get to sleep til 4. Woke up at 11. Did more on tape. Gave out leaflets on way to Houldey’s. Dandy was wearing a minidress – cor. Pissed off for a while. Mum took Jez home. I went on me bike. Me and Jez went to Ben’s. He seemed alright. He reckons Hatchard broke his nose. So we’ll have him. Had a chat with Ben’s mum. Came back blah blah blah.

10th June 1984
Got up. Went to Wimborne. Folk Festival was on. Mum was there. Didn’t see many mates so came back. Did fuck all. Went to track. Football was on. England beat Brazil 2-0. Fuckin’ surprise or what? Watched Spitting Image which was good. Watched rest of Sybil while doing crosswords.

*The Week That Was – 21st May 1984

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Record of the week: Confessions of Sin – Confession, Self Abuse – Loose, PCH – (This is not) Call The Cops
Record of the month – Subhumans LP, Confessions of Sin (live)

21st May 1984
Was going to start The Scar last night but started it today instead. Read half of it then watched film – which was ok. Had a bath. Then went to Houldey’s. They were setting up their new suite. Came back. Rang Paul. Talked for a while. Found out Zoe rang, said she’d ring again tomorrow. Watched Hill Street Blues. Read some more then went to sleep.

22nd May 1984
Decided not to go to school. When I woke up I started reading book. Finished it at 4 o’clock. It was a good book. Haven’t been doing anything otherwise. Went to Houldey’s. Found out Kathryn will go out with me when she’s finished with whoever. Zoe rang and apologised for Saturday. Dunno what else I did. Drew In Execlsis on my wall. Went to sleep.

23rd May 1984
Woke up early for some reason. Jez came round at about 10. Jim came at 10.30. Drew things on wall. Decided to do some PCH. Went to Houldey’s. Only Beki was there. I came back and got some sugar. Took our tape back and played it. Came back and did some more PCH. Came in. Jim and Jez went. I went to Houdley’s. Went to get some petrol. Came back. Came back. Went to Jez’s. Had a shit game of snooker. JC was there – cunt. Went to Ben’s. Went to a barn (?) on my bike. Came back. Spurs won UEFA Cup on penalties. Film was shit.

24th May 1984
Woke up about 10.30. Took dog. Went to Wimborne. Saw Liz eh. Got haircut. Bought some paints and gel. Came back. Went to Houldey’s. Had a chat with Beki. Came back. Wrote some of book. Didn’t do fuck all. Went to Jez’s. We went to Ben’s, spent ages trying to find him. He was with Harrison. Recorded tape to tape – stuff for Crass. We left at 10. I got back at 10.30. Dunno what I did but it must’ve been good.

25th May 1984
Woke up. Got letter from Zoe. Photos returned – so I decided to take them back to Bernice. Went to Wimborne – she weren’t home. Went round town. Saw a few old faces but not Bernice. Went to Jim’s. They’d just left to go to Poole. Left photos at Jim’s. Came home. Went to Jez’s to get money he owed me. Went to Houldey’s. Good news. Kathryn will go out with me. I think I was supposed to ring her but I’m not sure. Came home. Rang Paul and Andy. There’s a gig tomorrow at the squat but I can’t go. Went to sleep.

26th May 1984
Woke up. Watched TV. Was going to go to Wimborne but couldn’t be fucked – too wet. Got petrol and paper. Finished another book – Tarotown. Watched England V Scotland (1-1). Started Beast on my wall. Went to Houdley’s, no one there apart from Mr. H. Came back. Started painting the Beast’s head. Finished at about 11.20 – looks fuckin’s superb. Pissed off cos I can’t get Kathryn’s phone number. Watched film – Harry In Your Pocket – good.

27th May 1984
Woke up 12.10. Did fuck all. Had a bath. (?) went to get cat for Lorna. Stewart gave my mum a fiver – I had £2. Ben came over. His mum took us to Jim’s. Jum’s old man took us down to Winton. Pissed around for an hour. Got tickets off Andy. Cinema was a pit. Takano – ok. COF – fuckin’ brilliant. Self Abuse – brilliant. Got chucked out of a pub. Mum collected us. Took Jim back. Ben stayed the night.

*The Week That Was – 26th March 1984

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

Record of the week: Conflict – Cruise
Record of the month: Anti-Sect LP, Sex Gang Children – Children’s Prayer, Mauritia Mayer, Abyss, Confessions of Sin – Loose (Live)

26th March 1984
Woke up at 9 minutes to 8. Physics – had a go at Hayward. Maths – shit. Lunch – didn’t go for a fag. Social – messed around with Mandy and wrote a song. H.E. – had a go at Pritchard. Pissed off really. Watched some telly. Went down club – got some baccy. Bike’s not working properly. Watched Hill Street Blues.

27th March 1984
Got up at right time. Had Physics practical most of the morning. Went for a fag after it. Lunch – pissed around with Burd. Went to typing exam all afternoon. Did ok in that I think. Bus home was quite funny – it was very quiet. Look at bike to see if anything was visibly wrong. Went for a runaround – seems ok. Doing some more art – it’s coming on quite well. Enjoying The Dickies. Just about to watch 5-a-side football. Night, night.

28th March 1984
H.E – (?) with 4 years – had a chat with Sarah. Physics – organising the PCH party. Lunch – me, Jim and Burd went for a fag down in the woods. R.E – ok. English – did this play. Biz – had a chat with Julie. Maths – shit. Waiting to watch Milk Cup replay and soccer six later. Not a lot else really. Can’t wait for PCH. Liverpool 1-0 Everton. Went to sleep.

29th March 1984
Art – burnt a picture and nothing else. P.E. – played football, pissed around. Lunch – nicked some clackers (?). Should be able to get drums from Sponge. Played football. Social – did projects. Biz – did (?). English – read play. Went out to Just’s – gave cassette to his mum – he wasn’t in. Came back to Gaunts. Me, Muz, Burt and Graeme went up to Houldeys. Chased them home. Came back – typed up PCH, organising songs. Went to sleep.

30th March 1984
Assembly – snore. English – did fuck all. H.E. – wrote some songs. Maths – shit. Lunch – played football. Art – ok, new ideas for pictures. Biz – typed up PCH cos Bell wasn’t here again. Physics – pissed around – wrote a song ‘Apeshit Hayward’. Went to see Dandy. Went on over to Burd’s. Went to club with him and Ben. Went over to Roo’s – nicked his bike as he’s gone to Devon. Ben rode it, Burd on the back of me. Met Rich down at Gussage. Played cards in the Drovers. Did a smart wheelie on the way back. Burd came off the back. Came back to the club – me and Ben got chucked out. Came home. Watching horror film Dr Phibes Rises again – looks pretty silly.

31st Match 1984
Football’s not on so went to Poole. Burd and Ben were on bus – wrote song. Found out Mike doesn’t like me. Gilly was fucking following me everywhere. Met Paul and friends, still he followed. Met Simon, still he followed. Met Paul again. Finally Gilly pissed off. Got the bus back. Burd got on at Wimborne. He got off at my place. Ate some frogspawn, wrote some songs. Went to Houldey’s – tried to shit up Jamie. Put road sign in someone’s drive. Came back, recorded some stuff. Took Burd home. Came back, watched Comic Strip and some of the film. Also found out that can get some drums now. Get them on Monday.

1st April 1984
Got up. Did some typing. Chris came round. He went to get me some roly papers – told my mum he was getting some chocolates. Had some jam roly-poly. Pissed around doing fuck all. Watched TV. Went to Simon’s – didn’t stay long. He went and practised with Ian Bryant’s group. Came back, watched Spitting Image, film and Sky At Night.