Tag: broken heart

Nourishment – 15th January 2024

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

What does it feel like to function?
Thoughts turned to action
The picture comes alive
An outlaw in this society
We lose life every day
Yet art will always remain
The air and the food
In a world where it’s easy to starve

inspired/borrowed from this post at Spinning Visions

Today I’m feeling:

A little dizzy still and my sore throat is back, I think from the incense at the temple irritating my throat.

Today I’m grateful for:

This Thai family around me. Not without faults but somehow welcoming and inclusive for this idiot.

The best thing about today was:

I did get an hour of free time this afternoon and got twenty minutes of enjoyable bad guitar practice.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

I’ve been assigned a task this evening as part of the ceremony though I’m not clear what it is. I was just told to follow the others doing the same thing. I feel like a kid in a school play who doesn’t remember where to stand or exactly what to do and just looks around at everyone else and hopes no one notices.

(Later) Well, it involved some scooting on knees and wai-ing and I hoped didn’t look too out of place as the only white non-Buddhist in the room.

Something I learned today?

This was a couple of days ago but worth mentioning that journalist Gonzalo Lira died in a Ukrainian prison. He was imprisoned for reporting truths about Ukraine’s targeting of civilians in Donetsk both before the US proxy war and in the early stages of it. It’s just another nail in the US imperialist coffin that lies about freedom and democracy.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

In between classes, I came to the temple to support the family and after class, I came to collect Amy before driving us home and then back to the city again to pick up food for Grandmum’s mourners.

August (grade 8) came to my class today sighing that she misses her boyfriend (who broke up with her six months ago). I consoled her but later sent her messages to be strong and independent. She appreciated my words but I could feel she’s not strong enough yet.

August (grade 9) took this picture because she stole my phone out of my pocket whilst I was talking with Kru Ren. This is Sunwa, August and Pat, whose birthday it was today. 15th birthday I guess, though she behaves with a little more maturity than her classmates.

Titanic Struggle – 13th December 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 13 Comments

All adrift, clinging to a plank
An act of violence ruptured
The bottom of the boat that sank

All hopeless, no help in icy waters
The push-and-pull unstructured
The cruel winds of heaven tortures

All alone, no kindness heard
Can the heart be healed?
Returned by the comforting word

All afire, broken and impermanent
The future one day revealed
When feet planted on new firmament

dVerse challenge

1st Jun 2024 – Submitted to the Ragtag Daily Prompt

Today I’m feeling:

Very good. I pushed through exercise and felt good for it. At school, I comforted ****** as best I could and asked Jan to keep me updated. I feel a little hopeless about helping her and I can imagine she feels even more so.

Today I’m grateful for:

Nut’s Auntie and uncle who came and cleaned up lots of little details around our garden, in particular, pulling the weeds out from the driveway where our purple grass grows.

The best thing about today was:

Hearing from my grade 10 students that the reason that they wanted me to teach them next year is that they feel relaxed in my class and find it fun and more enjoyable than with Thai teachers. I have to wonder what some of their other classes are actually like.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

On arriving home Amy was cleaning Bruno’s high-pressure hose (and seemed to be in a bad mood) and told me he wanted it back. 

I was doubtful about this as he had said to keep it as long as I needed and I still have a few places I’d like to clean up. 

I was also informed that I would have to drive Nut’s Auntie and uncle back to Bruno’s after they had finished which would be soon. 

I didn’t say anything, I hadn’t even got the shopping inside yet. I just accepted my fate and took a quick shower by which time they were ready to go. 

Of course, once we got there, Bruno was surprised to get his machine back already as he knew I hadn’t finished with it, and said to take it back. I hushed him and told him not to worry about it, as it already revealed Amy’s little white lie and I made no complaint. Amy seemed to be in a better mood by then, so all was good as we drove back home again.

Something I learned today?

It has only ever snowed two times in the Sahara. How’s that for some relatively useless information.

Review your acts, and then for vile deeds chide yourself, for good be glad. — Discourses 3.10

Once again offering support to my students struggling with mental health issues.

I took this picture on Sunday morning because this was the same mountain that we were at the top of the afternoon before, rising out of the cool morning mist.

Unlovable – 6th August 2023

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ 1 Comment

Why did she think she was unlovable?
I know she deserved much better than me
It hurt us both at the time
But the right thing to do to set her free

Then it was I who became unlovable
And I myself chose to believe
Eventually, we both came to realise
It’s only ourselves we deceive

A true story.

Today I’m feeling:

As predicted I had to get up a couple of times in the night as my guts gurgled and my ass burned and I had to skip my usual alarm not getting up for another two-plus hours at around 9.30 am. The grey outside had maintained the same level of brightness that it still seemed early morning. I skipped a shower and went straight for coffee, still wary that caffeine may soon trigger some kind of explosive action from my rear but so far so good.

When I got home I found that our clock had stopped last night and discovered that I had an extra hour and a half of day left. Bonus!

Today I’m grateful for:

Grabbing some soft serve ice cream at the little stall near the market which happens to be next door to where my student Baipad lives. I looked into the shop, which is a hairdresser and saw what must have been Baipad’s little sister running around. She was totally a mini version of Baipad which is saying something as Baipad is already short. She looked super cute.

Anyway, the ice cream was yummy.

The best thing about today was:

The grey skies never lifted for the whole day and rain is forecast 100% for the next eight days too. So it’s difficult to say what might have been the best thing today beyond such usual things as reading books and reading comics. That’s OK. It wasn’t a bad day by any means.

Oh, I just remembered I spent a couple of hours watching the football this morning too. That was pretty good as we won in a tight game with the Giants. With three games left, there is still a slim chance we can make the finals but it means winning every game and other results going our way.

What was out of your control today and how did you handle it?

Weather-inspired lethargy set in early. I just went with it.

Something I learned today?

China’s natural gas and oil reserves are deeper than other countries forcing them to drill the deepest holes ever and pushing their technological advancement at the same time.

What are three small victories I’ve achieved lately?

I’d somehow like to think that I have won over at least three lazy naughty students recently but should probably only count that as one.

I’m struggling to think of things I might consider victories. Life might be a battle but moving forward doesn’t feel like victory it just feels normal. Perhaps as a good life should.

Slow improvements to learning Thai and playing guitar don’t feel like victories because that’s the natural outcome of practice.

Victory also feels like it implies that there is a loser too.

Are there three losses that I’ve accepted recently? I don’t think so.

Rista took this picture last week because she wanted to see the camera quality on my new phone. This is her and Namkhing, who everyone seems to love. Her English is very poor but she will happily try when I push her which is a positive as far as I’m concerned. Perhaps this is part of her personality which others find attractive.
Posting this picture as, unsurprisingly, I didn’t take any today. With the forecast, I’m wondering when I might take more again.

Diaper – 27th July 2021

~ shaun tenzenmen ~ Leave a comment

When love has gone wrong
Run off to dark spaces
Desperately clinging to hope
Remembering those embraces

Butterflied chest and tears
And seething like a viper
In the car for 20 hours
Wearing an adult diaper

A last romantic gesture
To mend your broken heart
May push away with vigour
Forever to be apart

Don’t laugh at their madness
When Eros too was your sniper
At one time or another
We’ve all worn the diaper

Inspired by We Learn Nothing by Tim Kreider, recalling bad reactions to broken hearts

Gratitude Journal

I am so happy and grateful for the preserved cabbage that we got given by the Chinese students who went back to China. It was yummy.

I ended up sleeping at around 7.30 last night and I’m glad I did. Still felt dizzy and tired this morning but my mood picked up after my first class of the day.

Tigger is in the hospital again and Amy and I went to see him at lunchtime. He has some dodgy blood level count which seems to indicate a kidney problem but the vet said we caught it quickly before he had organ failure again.

I’m glad I cancelled teaching yesterday and tomorrow. I’ll have one class tonight after school but like I mentioned yesterday I’m in the right frame of mind as I already have the natural tension from teaching at school.

Perhaps I’ve been working too hard recently but I feel compelled to be doing things. The quote from Ryan Holiday that we are human ‘beings’ and not human ‘doings’ was interesting to me as at this time, with lockdowns and everything, we are not actually ‘being’ as much as we would like. I am always ‘doing’, I never stop doing things, and those things keep me happy. Sometimes I get too focused on some things when I could be doing more, perhaps around the house or in the garden, for example.

Sometimes I wish all my stuff was in the house (as opposed to my man cave outside), especially as I would have my music playing all day long, and would read books on the terrace more. Now I feel like I have to do all my things in my room so it divides everything up into ‘my’ time and ‘other’ time. It’s a first-world problem in a third-world country!